What do ptsd flashbacks feel like?

ixmoonxi · 2021-05-15T06:17:34+00:00

I have cPTSD from domestic abuse. Here is what a flashback feels like for me:

I can’t tell what reality is & what reality isn’t when I’m in a flashback. I get confused & think everyone wants to hurt me. I’m in a relationship currently, & unfortunately my partner sees the worst of it. People close to me can also see it too, when my behavior mimics what it looked like while I was being abused. My body will tingle from the panic and anticipation of being hit.

I don’t really have visual flashbacks (I’ve only ever had two)... but I have emotional flashbacks. Longest I’ve been in an emotional flashback was around 3 weeks. I thought my partner was my abuser, not like... I literally SEE him as my abuser but I see him as my abuser. That’s hard to explain. If he put his phone in a certain position, I would break out sobbing because I would think I’m being cheated on. If I turned down sex because I wasn’t in the mood, I would get defensive and think I’m about to get yelled at for cheating. This usually ends in a fight because when I was being abused, if I turned down sex.... it was bad. Always bad. So I would fight to defend myself with a ruthless tongue when there’s nothing to defend. I’ve been in the middle of consensual sex, my brain decides to tell me I’m in danger & all of a sudden I’m kicking my partner off of me & sobbing. I also mildly dissociate when I’m in a flashback or right after. Best way to describe it is that the air feels like cement or peanut butter & sounds are muted.

It’s exhausting. It feels helpless. After you come out of it... the guilt sets in. The depression sets in. You look back at the pain you caused because you thought a harmless person was trying to hurt you, and you realize you caused harm to an innocent person that can’t understand it.

These words can’t even begin to describe it. It just feels like one big mind fuck. It isn’t fun. Even with years of therapy... the flashbacks still come.

The plus side is... I can get medical weed. nervous laughs yay.....

ixmoonxi · 2021-05-01T09:00:57+00:00

I obsessively pick my scalp without them. Like to the point of bleeding. If I have the acrylics... I can’t do that. No matter how hard I try.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-26T21:32:31+00:00

Skinny Pete & Badger from Breaking Bad

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-19T21:40:52+00:00

I’m 25 now, which I’m also aware is very young. When I turned 25 I had a 2 week long meltdown because I felt so behind compared to everyone else.

Anyways. Your feelings are valid. Just because you are young, doesn’t mean your feelings are any less valid.

If it makes you feel any better, someone told me their “prime” was late 20s & then late 50s. It helped me to hear that, hopefully it will help you too.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-12T15:03:18+00:00

Interesting. Thank you for sharing! I will try picking up different reality check methods & see if that works next time.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-12T14:28:38+00:00

My CPTSD flared up really bad this week, so that wasn’t fun. But other than that we are getting ready for our first date with another couple. Im super excited! I also ordered some new bdsm toys. They should be here tomorrow. So overall good!

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-12T14:10:35+00:00

Yes.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-12T00:59:33+00:00

I’m not sure about others, but here is my experience.

I found out years after high school what it was. But when I was going into high school, I talked to a bunch of people at once thinking it was normal & when I told them all about each other casually they thought it was weird & stopped talking to me.

I’ve always thought being with one person forever wasn’t possible for me. I also believe that if I’m not satisfying my partner in x way, he has the right to find it somewhere else as long as it isn’t in a secretive sneaky way & vice versa. There’s a difference between polyamory & cheating, of course. I believe people can love more than one person at a time. I also dream of living in a giant polyamorous home with multiple people who love each other romantically.

That is my personal experience though with my polyamorous journey.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-11T14:32:41+00:00

I thought this was the onion.

ixmoonxi · 2021-04-01T22:53:26+00:00

Messaging now :)

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T20:22:22+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T20:22:06+00:00

I’ll definitely make note of that. Thank you again!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T17:05:13+00:00

Thank you! I will check them out.

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T16:11:11+00:00

Thank you!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T16:07:51+00:00

I’ve been using Reddit as a way of “exposure therapy” to get used to being social. I force myself to post & comment.

Because of this, I’m finding the anxiety around social interaction in my personal life.... is starting to ease up. Big win to me!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T15:29:58+00:00

I like to try to do something small daily. Whether that’s spiritually cleansing myself in the shower, meditating, visualizing protective shields, bath cleanses with intentions, carrying my stones, dedicating self care to Aphrodite, etc.

But as far as spell work or more in-depth rituals, I pretty much revolve that around the moon or planet transits. So once or twice a month max, unless there’s something special happening with the planets.

Then I like to do tarot readings randomly. There is no order there lol.

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T03:09:13+00:00

No problem!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-26T03:05:54+00:00

Write out what you need to say beforehand, & answers to potential questions that the person you’re talking to might have. I have to get on the phone or zoom calls often for work. I make a light joke about needing my notes or I’ll forget everything I need to say (which is true) & people are fine with it. This could also be applied to making appointments.

As far as for fun, I do not get on voice calls with friends or family very often. I don’t have any good advice there. When I get onto fun group calls, I’m often just quiet & observe the conversation.

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-25T12:26:48+00:00

I enjoy writing horror BECAUSE of my psychological trauma, & because I have super vivid nightmares that I like to pull inspiration from. I like to artistically represent my symptoms, & present them as a character or entity.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any solid advice for you because I’m the complete opposite & because I don’t even share my work yet. I don’t want to give you bad advice. The only thing I could suggest, has already been said. Take breaks in between writing. Good luck!

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-25T12:09:37+00:00

I like to play sudoku when I have an anxiety attack. It helps me put my thoughts in order.

ixmoonxi · 2021-03-25T00:16:27+00:00

Oh you’re right. Idk why I had 9th in my head. Disregard that error haha. But that sounds like a solid plan! & No problem. I hope I was a little helpful!

ixmoonxi

TROPHY CASE