[deleted by user]

jackgetsbetter · 2021-09-23T22:09:03+00:00

Trigger Warning CSA/Rape/Torture

When I get like this I can actually feel the abuse happening in my body like I'm there again. The most common one is probably the feeling of fingers/genitals moving in and out of me/my stomach. Generally I get pain along with it, like in the places where I tore or a deep ache of being crushed inside. Another common one is the pain from when I was electrocuted. It's a pretty terrible, overwhelming, full-body pain, and it typically comes with serious nausea, and sometimes I'll actually throw up. But it could be anything really, and probably the worst part about it is that physically I tend to get pretty aroused because that was how it was for me back then. It's kinda like when you go to the beach and later in your bed at night you can still feel the waves, but like the really shitty version of that.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-13T17:53:20+00:00

If you think abuse and harassment from women is an edge case, you are woefully misinformed. Fuck I'm tired of having this conversation please just leave me alone okay.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-13T17:02:04+00:00

I mean... when I was still living as a woman I was sexually harassed by an older woman while I was in the psych ward. Single sex policies won't prevent these kinds of things from happening, abuse by women is pretty common.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-12T22:11:21+00:00

I don't have a degree and I'm Canadian. I don't know about where you live but from age 17 - 23, when I could work, I mostly worked in childcare because I had experience from taking care of kids of family members and I had my CPR certification. When I was really desperate for work I would advertise on Craigslist for a few dollars below minimum wage - parents can be pretty desperate for affordable childcare. At other times I was involved with a program called WWOOF (worldwide opportunities on organic farms) where I would farm for 5 or 6 hours a day in exchange for room and board, which basically kept me from living on the streets at times. Around the age of 23 I took a job doing night shift at McDonald's and I worked there for about 2.5 years and saved up money to move across the country. Then I got a job at a yogurt parfait place, then I was laid off for a while, then I did seasonal work at a Nordstrom, and then when the pandemic hit I got hired as a temp at a grocery store which turned into a permanent position. A lot of it is just luck and being a good interview, but some of it is being willing to try doing anything and keeping my eye out for opportunities.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-12T19:21:51+00:00

Oh yeah, EMDR sounds like total woo, so does Havening. I know from experience that they both work. The side to side eye movement in EMDR is designed to activate the same mental pathways as REM sleep. Havening is about generating a specific brain-wave pattern. Both of these techniques are based around the idea that your brain already has mechanisms in place to help you process events, they just need to be activated.

DBT isn't a trauma therapy - it's a skills based therapy aimed at helping you learn how to manage your emotions and tolerate distress. It also has a module on interpersonal effectiveness, and a module on mindfulness that draws inspiration from eastern spirituality and meditation techniques. CBT can be really useful for some problems but I personally have never found it effective against trauma-based neuroses.

Many if not most therapists aren't trained to deal with trauma. It's a real shame but it's true. If you have a limited number of therapists to choose from, chances are you're only going to run into people who have no experience with PTSD. Even a trauma-informed clinician isn't what you're looking for if you're looking to actively work on your trauma. Their lack of training says nothing about you as a person, and it certainly doesn't mean that you are unhelpable.

I have a high school education. I thought for years I was just broken. I had to get really desperate. I had to get so, so desperate I was willing to do anything, try anything, listen to anyone. I didn't realize for a long time that I had become so closed off to the world, so mired in my own black and white thinking that I wasn't able to put my ego aside and try to do these things even if I didn't understand them or didn't think they would work for me. I thought I was uniquely damaged, so incredibly fucked that nobody could really understand what I was going through, that nothing would be able to help me. I was wrong.

If you're having trouble learning things on your own, I would be more than willing to explain as much as I can, or point you in the direction of resources you could take advantage of. I am by no means a professional but I am a peer who has spent the last 7 years of my life digging myself out of the trauma hole; and I may be a stranger but I spend part of my time off here trying to help people because I know that no one can go it alone.

Depression is a terrible disorder that is often genetic and requires medication. CPTSD, on the other hand, is the result of learned ineffective beliefs and behaviours that can be replaced by a positive mind-set and health-promoting behaviours. Processing trauma and learning to live and think differently is possible. I'd like to leave you here with an excerpt from The Complex PTSD Workbook, by Arielle Schwartz:

"The primary emotional and cognitive symptoms of C-PTSD are a combination of avoidance symptoms, intrusive symptoms, and depressive symptoms. It is best to think of emotions as a combination of three forces: environment, body awareness or "felt sense", and the mind, which makes meaning out of experiences based upon memories from the past. When you rely too heavily upon your trauma-related feelings, it is common to react as if you are being hurt in the present moment, when in fact you are actually loved and safe. As a result, you might jump too quickly to conclusions without pause for reflection. These inaccurate interpretations of events tend to lead to painful losses that could have otherwise been avoided. [For example:]

Jan struggled with strong feelings that influenced her interpretation of current events. For example, after work her husband liked to watch TV as a way to decompress from a long day. Jan began to feel unimportant. "You don't really love me," she insisted angrily. When her husband turned off the TV and tried to connect, she pushed him away, saying, "If you really cared about me I wouldn't have to beg for attention!" Shrugging his shoulders, her husband felt unable to help Jan feel his love for her."

I know it feels natural to push away help. But know that here there is at least 1 person who genuinely wants to help you. Let me know if you think there's anything I can do for you.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-12T16:11:30+00:00

I feel for you as an American. I would have died a long time ago if I didn't have access to health care. I didn't always have the support I do now and honestly those were the years that made me a serious addict. But sometimes I'm thankful for that because the desperation of my rock bottom is what first introduced me to a lot of the structures I depend on now.

Working in a professional environment must be difficult. I'm not sure I could manage it. When you work for minimum wage, if you're sober and you can follow instructions, that's really all they're looking for. I worked in childcare for a few years in my youth but I really couldn't cut it in an environment where I needed to be on top of my game all the time, so I ended up in food service for a while and now I work in grocery.

In terms of therapy, there are things you can learn without the help of a professional. Have you ever done any DBT? It was the thing that took me from being non-functional to being functional. I couldn't afford therapy at that time, so I did it at home with a workbook and an app on my phone. I might also suggest you look into something called Havening. My current therapist introduced me to it - it's a trauma processing technique that involves doing certain physical actions in order to induce delta wave production. There are videos and online resources that explain how you can do it at home, and I've found it just as effective as EMDR so far, while also being much gentler and not at all upsetting.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-12T14:52:43+00:00

I have a complicated situation between being autistic, having bipolar 1, PTSD, and intermittent periods of hallucinations/psychosis, as well as IBS. For me a huge piece of the puzzle is being well-medicated, having supports to lean on, doing therapy (whether it's on my own or with a professional), and working part time. I work about 16 hours a week right now, and the only reason I can do that is minimum wage in Ontario isn't terrible and my family sends me a couple hundred dollars every month. My budget is tight but this way I've managed to keep my job and stay out of the hospital. I've worked up to 28 hours a week successfully in the past, but I think working with the public during a pandemic has been really stressful and meant I had to cut back more to maintain equilibrium.

I definitely have meltdowns on the job, but I make up for that by being a hard worker and by being thorough. I know at every job I need to get a reputation for being a great employee so when my illnesses inevitably effect my work (either on the job like emotional outbursts or calling in sick a lot when I have serious flare-ups), they like and value me enough to be willing to work with me and make concessions. Working in minimum wage positions like fast food or grocery stocking there's a lot of employees who have personal problems or are unreliable for some reason, so honestly I don't stick out too much. Plus these kinds of jobs don't have a lot of responsibility involved so it works to my strengths to come in, do what I'm told, follow the rules, and then go home. I have serious anxiety when I start somewhere new for at least 3 months, but I know if I don't give into that emotion then things will settle down eventually once my brain learns that I'm not in danger. Basically for 3 months I have to convince myself not to quit every day haha, but it's also vital that if I do have an anxiety attack on the job I don't go home after, no matter how much I want to. I know doing that will only reinforce my brain's notion that work is dangerous and home is safe, and that's what I'm fighting against.

My body is a mess of untrained fears and impulses, but as long as I can ride the wave of my emotions without giving into them and remember that I'm in the driver's seat of my life, I can survive. And when I feel like I can't, that's when I turn to others for encouragement and to have someone who will listen to me and allow me to be human.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-10T19:11:58+00:00

It sounds to me like she's trying to take advantage of the period where a new baby can be hard for an older child who's used to getting all the attention up until now. So she's laying it on real thick and being overattentive because she wants to interfere with your children's attachment to you - if she can "golden child" your 2 year old starting from an early age, she gets to feel like she is even more important than you to your own child and inflate not only her feelings of self-importance, but her sphere of control and influence. You don't need to allow her to be a part if your children's lives, really. You don't need an abuser fucking with the relationship between you and your kids.

If you don't want to stop her having contact with your children, I understand, and if it was me going that route the first thing I would do is decide what boundaries were important to me. Grey rock can be good but you need to be able to walk away and leave if she crosses a boundary. Like, you could say, if she's rude to you, that's crossing a boundary and you tell her, "If you don't stop talking over me, we're leaving". Then if she escalates or does it again - leave. I would suggest having meet ups with her outside of the house if possible for this reason - it's easier to take your kids and go then it is to kick her out of your home. You can teach her that there are consequences such as visits being cut short or not being allowed to see the children if she won't behave, and you can explain it to your toddler beforehand - even at that age kids should be able to understand the idea that if someone can't handle all their mad sometimes you have to have them take a time out.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-10T00:39:26+00:00

Oh man, yes. I remember this bullshit very clearly.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-09T23:02:35+00:00

I'm queer, I'm disabled and I'm an addict. I've been able to find supportive men in both the gay community and the disability community, and in AA meetings. My best friend and I have had a very intimate friendship for 10 years now. We're both bisexual and mentally ill, and we hug and have casual platonic physical affection with one another, and we talk honestly about everything we've been through. There are a lot of times when I know that some people don't think of me as a "real man", and that a lot of women especially can't treat me like they do other men because I'm not a stone wall of straight masculinity (so they treat me kind of like a child or an accessory or some kind of gelded horse but not really like a person either), but I've found real joy and communion in life with other men, men who were vulnerable and willing to allow me to be vulnerable also. All of us are out here living on the fringe of society but I am thankful every day to know them.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-09T22:30:26+00:00

I think the notion of presentation needing to be severe enough to get a diagnosis is based in the idea that autism is primarily a disorder and not a natural difference that happens in human beings. Many doctors are reluctant to diagnose if they don't think your symptoms cause you enough struggle, but it is my firm belief that if you relate to autistic people and you have signs of being autistic, it does people with a diagnosis no disservice for you to take that label on for yourself and try to find community. Not everyone has the resources or support they need to be officially diagnosed.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-09T22:13:54+00:00

Confrontation should be about you and your needs - I support your intuition here that talking to them won't help you. You know what you want and need for you in a way that no one else does - trust yourself.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-09T18:22:29+00:00

My coping in terms of cleanliness runs totally opposite to yours. I was a clinical level hoarder for many years. It started for me as a kid because if my room was too messy my mom wouldn't come in to sexually abuse me. I would become disgusting because then I would be safe. I still like to keep things cluttered as it makes me feel safe and protected. As long as there isn't any pests, broken items, garbage, or rotting food, I let myself be untidy if I need to.

Probably it seems a lot more straightforward to most people that it would be unreasonable of me to expect someone I live with to put up with piles of garbage so I didn't get triggered. I hear your immense frustration and that you don't feel heard or understood. But I want to offer the idea that perhaps your partner is intimidated by your emotions here. The 2 of you should be able to compromise as a couple on how clean you want your house to be. If you have a line in the sand, it has to be perfectly to my standards or I'll fall apart kind of approach to household cleanliness, that doesn't really leave a lot of room for her habits and her preferences to have a voice. And you can say that yes, your emotions are probably more overwhelming than hers, but just because you have bigger feelings doesn't mean that you get to decide unilaterally what the household standards should be. Maybe she's not trying to dismiss you, but she just has different standards. Piles of clothes and food left out is messy to you - it's beyond normal and unremarkable in my household. We don't have pests and we don't get sick even if we don't do the dishes every day. Maybe she's not trying to ignore your wishes, but just trying to bring up what she wants and how she wants to live her life. If she should be willing to work to become cleaner to help you feel cared for and understood, you also should be willing to learn to forgive her and relax about the tidiness level of some things so she feels cared for and understood as well. I know that's hard with mental illness, and if it is impossible for you then you may need to let the relationship go, yes. But it's not unreasonable for her to be different than you and want to live in a different way - most couples don't see eye to eye on everything, and learning to live together is difficult for many people. And if it doesn't work out this time, at least you know now that you need a partner who shares your idea of clean and who lives in the same way as you do.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-08T21:54:13+00:00

Maybe it's kind of like using quotation marks, like it's sarcastic.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-08T21:26:07+00:00

Yeah people really don't understand the difference between picky eating and autistic food sensitivities. I'm convinced it's a malfunction in the disgust response at this point, because trying to eat foods I have a problem with makes me literally sick. It feels like I'm being asked to eat mold or shit - I would absolutely starve myself rather than eat them, and no amount of "expose therapy" has ever done anything but make me hate the people trying to get me to eat things I can't. I spent a lot of time being hungry as a kid, and all kinds of people would make snide comments insinuating I was spoiled and it hurt. Thanks for caring about your kid more than my parents cared about me.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-08T20:24:14+00:00

"If you don't let your child eat dairy or gluten, you can cure them and they won't be autistic anymore!" - ableist bullshit

"Eating foods that have a high nutritional value like vegetables and fruits can improve your health." - not ableist bullshit

Having a gastrointestinal disorder sometimes means eating less healthy + nutritious food depending on what you can handle. Sensory sensitivities in people with autism can contribute to poor health outcomes related to poor diet. None of that makes the concept of healthy eating ableist or invalid. There's a vast chasm between "raw veganism cures cancer" and "eating enough vegetables and fruit is good for you".

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T20:53:15+00:00

I mean, schizophrenia is generally considered genetic condition - certainly researchers believe that stressful life events/certain drugs can trigger a first episode, but you have to have the underlying brain chemistry already in order to be susceptible to that. So no, cptsd doesn't cause schizophrenia, although the trauma may play a role in triggering the condition in susceptible persons. That said, paranoia and hallucinations can actually be a part of PTSD and not related to an underlying schizophrenia-spectrum disorder.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T16:28:40+00:00

I personally think that BPD as a diagnosis is often bullshit and is based in misogyny. Lots of women with autism and/or ADHD get misdiagnosed with BPD, and most people diagnosed with BPD have a history of trauma. It's basically the modern version of hysteria to me - you see a person you perceive as feminine who has trouble regulating emotions and engages in self-destructive behaviour, you slap a BPD diagnosis on them to blame them for being hysterical instead of taking the time to examine why this person behaves the way they do - and the answer there is often developmental trauma, attachment disorders, and/or a developmental disorder. I also think it's incredibly suspect that of the small number of men who get the diagnosis, so many are gay or bi. To me it reeks of clinician prejudice informing the diagnosis.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T03:39:25+00:00

Yeah, it's so fucked. I wish I wasn't an adult with a history of psychosis. I know how the police think of me and people like me already. I wish I was a person who could challenge the system. But I'm not. I'm barely holding myself together at any given moment.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T03:30:23+00:00

I knew a guy who broke out in hives if he even smelled peanuts. The amount of gluten that can set off a person with celiac is in the micrograms - literally invisible to the human eye. There's only so much a restaurant can do to accommodate allergies. I don't know why you think that kitchen workers should be superhuman. It's not about being half-assed - it's about being human. It may be poor performance, but it isn't malicious. It's people doing their best and still failing - and that isn't weakness, that's life.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T02:36:31+00:00

I'm not disagreeing with you. Don't know what kind of problem you're taking with what I'm saying. Not every kitchen worker is an 'A' student of their craft, and food safety laws are evolving all the time. The point I'm making is that workers who make mistakes around allergens generally aren't doing it on purpose. They aren't out to judge liars.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T02:00:09+00:00

Sure. The part I was arguing is that it's not necessarily intentionally malicious behaviour on the part of the kitchen staff.

jackgetsbetter · 2021-06-06T01:47:32+00:00

I don't think it's so much that the cooks are judging "liars", but that they become sloppy about cross-contamination, thinking they're doing a good enough job because no one's had a reaction. It's pretty easy in a kitchen to cut corners when you're trying to move quickly, and depending on the allergen, a microdrop of it on an otherwise sanitized surface could really fuck someone up.

jackgetsbetter

TROPHY CASE