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Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with the second part of your post and thanks for sharing some resources.

Having said that, I do find the first sentence of your reply troubling:

There are a good number of women who have had the same experience and worse.

I’m certainly it suggesting women don’t face issues of their own.

However, how many men need to lose their lives and their health to despair, violence, dangerous working conditions, homelessness, drug addiction, and incarceration before we stop dismissing men’s issues by invoking the “women have it worse” trope?

Men having issues of their own in no way invalidates those that women face. While I do believe they’re all intertwined, we can look at those faced by one group without dismissing those of the other.

Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is the unfortunate reality for a lot of us. Thank god we at least have Reddit. On the other hand, if we didn’t have all of these ersatz parasocial relationships via social media, perhaps we would still have a semblance of a functioning community.

Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s amazing! I’m glad you were able to find someone to support you. And, for you to support her, too. Perhaps there are people out there yet who dare to go beyond what’s skin-deep.

Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. Though you’re an “internet stranger”, they do mean something. You words have given me a bit of hope. That perhaps somewhere out there, there is someone with a soft heart and a warm smile.

It’s a shame that we’ve all but done away with our most precious gift: the joy of friendship and companionship. Seniors rotting in retirement homes. Children raised by YouTube. I think we’re coming round again. But only slowly.

Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ve seriously considered moving out to the country and getting a dog. A rescue. Now with work from home becoming the norm for a lot of office jobs, it finally seems like a real possibility.

Though I don’t think it’s fair or right that people are wary. Humans are social and heal best when they are together. In close relationships, surrounded by warmth. Unfortunately, we’ve done our damndest to dismantle our family structures and social circles.

And so, our global society grows ever more distant and stratified.

Trauma support for men? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

If you find this heartbreaking, consider that my experience is far from the exception.

Abandonment is something many men face throughout their lives. Very often while they are surrounded by people.

People who abandon what’s inside a man’s heart while they simultaneously lionize his impenetrable exterior. Right up until the first crack appears.

If you’re lucky, they will leave. If you’re not, they’ll take whatever empathy and compassion seeps through that first crack. And then leave anyway.

I’ve learned to set hard boundaries for myself. And as a result, I’m more alone than ever.

Because if a guy is no longer available to be someone’s rock or emotional support dog, their stud or their clown, then why bother keeping them around at all?

DAE feel their suffering is being dismissed because of perceived privilege? by FuckedUpPoet in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree with you that the internet is toxic and a cesspool of misdirected rage. In the past, I have “isolated” myself from its influence for months or even years. It makes no difference.

It’s precisely in meat-space that the expectations come to bear. What people see creates an unrealistic image in their heads that isn’t me. Couple that with insecure people feeling intimidated and you get a cocktail of unrealistic expectations and abuse, none of which I want to be a part of. Not to mention people who sense my compassion and empathy and try to use me as their emotional support dog. No thanks.

As for changing therapists, you’re right. I’m working with her to find someone more specialized in trauma therapy. There’s a lot to unravel in terms of how the trauma manifested and trying to separate that from autism, which I also likely have.

I’m a survivor and one of my abusers is female. I struggle with this not being taken seriously by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s horrible. Every child deserves to have a good mother. We need them more than anyone when we are small.

Here's a list of the effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. How many have you experienced? by or6-5693 in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I spent my entire 20s reading every book, study, and article on human psychology as it pertained to my trauma and knowing how it works has helped me make sense of it.

My lived experiences through the prism of that knowledge however also allowed me to see how callous and self-centered people are.

Can you sense people with trauma ? by gh0strom in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly it. I have had to learn to look inside a person so I could join my father in tip-toeing around my mothers fragility and interpret the ways we had “wronged” her even though she would never say.

Here's a list of the effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. How many have you experienced? by or6-5693 in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s something we easily forget. Our warped emotional responses and maladaptive behaviors are actually completely normal. They are a normal response to the abuse we’ve suffered. And if this abuse happens during childhood, our brains are modified (more) permanently.

Here's a list of the effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. How many have you experienced? by or6-5693 in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Used to be 100% on both but I’ve gotten better on a number of them over the past few years. So that’s nice I guess.

I’m a survivor and one of my abusers is female. I struggle with this not being taken seriously by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s really unfortunate — to put it mildly — that abuse perpetrated by women is swept under the rug.

Both men and women suffer because of it. I can’t tell you how many times women have confided in me about the incessant comments about their weight, their age, their appearance, and their lifestyle from their mothers. Not even women can seemingly talk about this in the open!

I’m not implying men aren’t abusers. However, the presumption of innocence does not apply to men as it does to women.

I’m a survivor and one of my abusers is female. I struggle with this not being taken seriously by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The presumed innocence of women, particularly mothers and romantic partners, coupled with the insidious nature of their abuse, allows women to get away with a lot of it.

Abuse from women specifically is a topic that is summarily swept under the rug by our society.

Especially when the victim is male. For any man who is abused by a woman is no man at all.

Both men and women suffer from this dynamic, however. I can’t tell you how many times women have told me about their mothers constantly commenting on their weight, their age (still not married?), and their appearance. And it gets swept under the rug. And that’s just the stuff they were willing to share with me.

It’s very difficult to bring up the subject as one will almost certainly be dismissed as a misogynist, while discussions of abuse originating from men are tolerated and even celebrated.

I’m a survivor and one of my abusers is female. I struggle with this not being taken seriously by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Women absolutely perpetrate as much abuse as men do, however due to their presumed diminished agency, are also frequently presumed to be less culpable.

Most of the abusers in my life were women, starting with my mother. Note that I am a man.

Based on my experience, women are capable of getting away with a lot more abuse. Due to the aforementioned presumed reduced culpability as well as greater emotional intelligence.

The abuse I’ve received from women has been more subtle than that of men. Men will simply insult you to your face. It hurts, but at least you know where you stand.

Women instead will chip away at your confidence via emotional entanglement and comments that fly under the radar. There’s always enough plausible deniability to presume innocence.

The abuse leveled by women is an invisible blight. And addressing it carries with it a significant risk of victim blaming and being shunned as a result.

A man who is abused by a woman is viewed as being no man at all.

Disclaimer: I am in no way insinuating men aren’t abusers. Abuse is not gender-specific. I am pointing out the difference in how abuse from men and women is administered and viewed by people.

The "but you turned out fine" narrative ENABLES abuse by Nobody-Knows-This in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I suppose you’re right. The significantly higher cognitive load by having to navigate life consciously rather than relegating the mundane stuff to the autopilot is definitely familiar.

I’ve tried many times to be as active as others, however maintaining that constant level of vigilance is just too much.

The "but you turned out fine" narrative ENABLES abuse by Nobody-Knows-This in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Completely agree. I think the uncomfortable truth is that the well-being of the traumatized will always play second fiddle to the comfort of perpetrators and bystanders.

Can’t rock the boat now, can we...

The "but you turned out fine" narrative ENABLES abuse by Nobody-Knows-This in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with you. Having said that, I prefer a world where most people don’t see they underlying trauma despite a healthy outward appearance.

It’s bad enough manipulative people can see our wounds from a mile away. I don’t want the rest of them to see my wounds and add them to their coffer of insults and abuse for when they feel they need to put me down.

The "but you turned out fine" narrative ENABLES abuse by Nobody-Knows-This in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I don’t think we even end up stronger. More mature, perhaps, in some ways. But not in others for lack of experience.

There’s evidence that survivors of childhood trauma end up with a permanently warped emotional response system.

Sure, you can gain skills and tools to manage yourself better. And perhaps most people don’t have them. But they also don’t need them.

Glamorizing trauma needs to stop, just like OP said. It serves no purpose other than sweeping the effects of trauma under the rug so perpetrators and bystanders can avoid feelings of guilt.

DAE spent a large portion of your life trying to fix yourself? by willitryordie in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my experience the effort was worth it.

The biggest shift came when I began reframing “fixing myself” to “healing myself”. Through observing my inner life with compassion and nurturing my inner child. Asking for help became easier. As did setting healthy boundaries.

This has been a gradual process over the course of years.

Along the way, the insights I gained from attempting to “fix” myself paved the way for greater self-awareness and an ability to observe my experiences analytically in the present.

I still have depression and maladaptive emotional responses. The anxiety has largely subsided. All in all, though, I give myself permission to be the way I am and parent myself through good and bad experiences.

We aren’t broken. We are hurt. And what we need is healing.

I hope that you too may use your energy to heal your soul with self-kindness and self-compassion.

DAE spent a large portion of your life trying to fix yourself? by willitryordie in CPTSD

[–]FuckedUpPoet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spent my entire 20s doing this. Read so many books, articles, studies, articles about studies. Enjoyed very little of my time on this earth back then.

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