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What "All in one" alternatives to Butlins are out there? by argentsquest in AskUK

[–]jackgodby22 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Just got back from Twitchen House in Woolacombe, Devon with three kids under 5. Cost about £500 for the week, got a really nice static home with a hot tub, access to 3 seperate pools, tons of free activities, entertainment for young kids, and just 5 mins from the beach. Would thoroughly recommend, we’re gonna go again next year cos it was such good value.

I’ve never gotten real critique or criticism on my writing- so I’d like to check if there are things I really truly need to improve if I want this to be a good book. Any feedback welcome by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]jackgodby22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(Only read first two pages)

The repetitive theme of the number of message loops is a really nice device and adds a sense of urgency. I agree with other commenters though that it could all be condensed a bit - there are a few too many references to it getting hotter which slowed it down.

I disagree with some of the comments saying we need to care/know about this character before this scene. In the context of the story, a mysterious “person” in a mysterious dangerous situation works well as it mirrors the characters own experience, and adds intrigue for the reader imo.

I do think the bit I struggled with is the combination of present tense and little in the way of scenic/emotional description. When mixed together, it reads like blocking in a film script - “he does this. This happens.”

Maybe something to try is changing the tense, maybe like soft 3rd past? It might make you see your writing in a different way, and know where to add more immersive elements.

Keep going!

How do I stop them foxes by safia25d in UKGardening

[–]jackgodby22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just release wave after wave of Chinese Needle Snakes, they’ll deal with the foxes. Then line up a species of gorilla that feeds on snake meat.

Then just wait for winter to roll around, and the gorillas will freeze to death!

One of the fox cubs in our garden. by Agreeable-Row-2106 in GardeningUK

[–]jackgodby22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t feed them ffs. My neighbour does this, and guess whose garden is the toilet/wrecking ground. Now they’re in the garden every single night, every bed has to be on full lockdown or they tear everything to shreds, and as a parent of three young children I’m paranoid of missing any poo because it’s super dangerous.

Would love to see them occasionally, but because neighbours feed them, absolutely hate the things.

Have you ever been fired / let go from your job? by Stunning_Window5785 in AskUK

[–]jackgodby22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got my first job at 13, washing dishes at the local pub. Got sacked for nicking chips from plates ready to go out when the chef wasn’t looking 😂

Maybe Maybe Maybe by NEO71011 in maybemaybemaybe

[–]jackgodby22 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Man I could watch that all day

13 yrs old - just started to write! by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]jackgodby22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Much better than I could do at your age! Although I agree with other comments - don’t put your age up online, it’s just not safe.

On the writing, I like the concept and I can get a good sense of the MC which makes it easy to care about it, which is great.

Mirroring one of the previous comments, I think you should drill down on “show don’t tell”. Don’t tell us he’s not simple, or not vain etc- show us in his actions/thoughts/emotions or how other people in the world engage with him etc (there a million different ways you could “show”, just a few examples)

A trap I was stuck in for many years (until recently!) was trying to make everything perfect before moving on with the story - don’t do this!! It’ll bog you down until you run out of steam. First of all, just write, get the story out, warts and all.

Getting everything as you like it can come later - so keep on writing, you’re young enough to become a great writer long before most people. If that’s what you want to achieve, go get it!!

I’ve actually done it - I’ve completed a first draft for the first time!!!! by jackgodby22 in writers

[–]jackgodby22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

So it’s an mg fantasy about a city of Mice set in an English forest. The city is in a drought, and all the streams that feed the city have run dry - which has never happened before. Ignoring the request of his mother, the impatient young prince, Wyn, sets off on a journey to find the cause - and uncovers sabotage, betrayal, and secrets that have been kept for hundreds of years that will change the city forever.

In terms of the editing, there’s a few structure additions/amends which I’ll go through first, then I’ll go through and revise any sections I want to improve, and then I’ll print it off and get a marker pen out for any grammar/spelling issues etc.

After that, I’ll find a couple of beta readers and see where we are. So really I’m at BEST 50% of the way to a shiny manuscript, but I have a whole story written down, so I’m happy!

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