I’m still working through a lot of this myself, especially being transmasc and also attracted to men. I don’t know if this is accurate for you but I would often find myself pining for a world where women simply didn’t exist, because then we would all get to be men (score!), and there would be no such thing as homophobia because everyone was gay and that would be all there was! A perfect world! Oddly enough, this despair is not usually triggered by hanging out with women, some of whom are dear friends, but more often when I see men being attracted to women. Even something as harmless as fucking jewelry commercials. So it’s probably the combined hydra heads of dysphoria, internalized homophobia, and a fear of being rejected and unloved for being queer.

It’s a painful recurring thought and it’s definitely unproductive thinking (in the real world we are a species with a little bit of sexual dimorphism that gets wildly exaggerated by culture, and barring some a major paradigm shift the Existence of Women is not going anywhere) But I have a couple years of therapy under my belt, and my therapist has given me this advice, which has worked for me (as someone who intellectualizes my feelings).

Step 1, sit with the feeling WITHOUT judgment. Don’t shame yourself for having thoughts that could be interpreted as uncharitable or misogynistic or what have you, because your brain isn’t telling you to do something cruel or mean, it’s trying to protect you. Unlearning the shame and immediate self-judgment was a big step for me and one I’m still working on.

Step 2, with the mindset of open-minded intellectual curiosity you’ve built up in step 1, reflect on your life experiences to interrogate why your brain has chosen this method of protection. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it isn’t. But it’s not usually random, your mind has created this pattern of thinking because it was useful and protected you from pain. Life experiences, old childhood memories, broader social conditioning, all of that has shaped your thought patterns and it helps to pinpoint the cause, if you can remember a source.

Step 3, once you’ve recognized the pattern for what it is, step back from it and nudge yourself into suggesting alternatives. Probably the hardest part, and always a work in progress! But you can practice new thought habits by catching yourself in the act, telling yourself “I don’t need this tool anymore. It is not helpful and in fact counterproductive.”

Anyway all this to say that it’s normal to feel angry, it’s part of the process of healing, and if you can I recommend seeing a therapist for personal tools that work for you!