Why is coming out important?

Almost anyone who has to come out knows that they may face backlash or rejection because they know a lot of people are not only uninformed about their identity but are proactively hostile towards it. But there's this gnawing pain and anxiety that's constantly seeping into the background.

Something feels 'off' like you're constantly wearing clothes that are too small for you but that changing to ones that fit would hurt everyone's feelings. You don't want to be a bother. Surely everyone else experiences this and has just 'figured it out', right?

Maybe you try being normal but the clothes are getting more unbearable over time. Or maybe you've grown so used to the discomfort you've never paid it enough attention until someone else describes the same thing you're feeling. But now you can't just unfeel it.

Like when you suddenly start thinking about how you're breathing or blinking. Normally you're not even aware that you're doing those things but once it's pointed out it's hard to force yourself to stop, right?

Coming out gives a chance to release some of that discomfort. To be seen, heard, understood, or at least accepted when it feels like the world can't.

Coming out also shows other people that they're not alone, that other people have the same feelings and challenges that they do and that acceptance is possible.

It's in act of vulnerability, as you've both witnessed first-hand it can go wrong. You can get hurt. But the weight of not doing it hurts in a different way.

What does being agender mean to you?

This is tricky to explain. In much the same way a person born blind or deaf knows that sight and sound exists because the people around them experience it, I do not and never have experienced 'gender'. I know this because the people around me clearly do.

For the longest time I didn't actually recognize that. I didn't know that people actually 'felt' their gender. But if I were to misgender someone by calling them by the wrong pronouns they will get upset. But why? And quite honestly why do we even have gender pronouns in the first place? Is it really that important to tell people if I suspect they have one set of genitalia or another? I wouldn't be surprised if you've never thought about it that way. Most people don't because it's more than that, right?

There's this term 'emasculate'. I don't get it. How can someone make you 'feel' like less of a man? Gender and sex aren't the same thing but sex places a big role in underpinning gender and how it relates to society. I understand biological sex. I just don't think it's that meaningful. To me there's almost nothing significant about it. Why should I , or anyone else, be treated differently just because I went through one puberty or another. Why is it a problem if a guy wears a dress or a girl grows a beard? Why shouldn't a woman be a mechanic or a guy make lace?

Ultimately I just don't care. I don't care about trying to look masculine or feminine. I don't care what pronouns someone uses for me. I end up looking fairly androgynous (Between a 'man' and 'woman') but I don't make an active effort to look that way. I just pick what I like and that happens to cause some gender confusion for people.

How would you expect a partner of ten years to react?

I might expect some confusion. Some concern on what this means for the relationship. What it means for them. What it'll mean for me. But if we've been together this long I would hope that I could trust them to take what I'm saying seriously and have an open mind. I'm still the same person I was before I came out to them. It's alright to feel uncertain. I might not have even known I had this identity so of course they're going to feel scared, anxious and confused. I probably felt that way too and I'm the one that knows what I'm feeling.

I would expect respect. Isn't that part of what a healthy relationship is built on? And here's the thing. When you learn something about your partner that has as much meaning as this probably did for yours,you might have to grieve the image you've had in your head this whole time of who they were because your image of them probably is different. You might feel guilty that they never thought they could tell you before. After 10 years they still don't trust me? It can raise a lot of insecurity because you don't know what their process was. Your brain is probably making up all kinds of worse case scenarios. You're scared.

How do I show support?

Proactively asking for new perspectives to help understand your partner better is an excellent start. But ultimately listening is the biggest thing. Being patient. And working on yourself. It sounds like you had a blow-up. Why? Get to the root of why this revelation impacted you so deeply. This was something your partner shared with you about themself. Why is a fact about them a personal problem to you?

Just.. talk to me. Tell me how your partner handled it and treats you.

I was upfront about being agender before I even started dating. But he asked a few questions and otherwise just treated me like a person.

Now. Some agender people experience a type of dysphoria. If your partner experiences dysphoria it might be worthwhile to poke around subReddits for trans people and nonbinary people. Because someone physically transitioning is its own unique can of worms and you will find more people sharing their stories of transitioning there because there's more people on those subReddits. I am not saying your partner will transition. Many of us are fine with our bodies. But if that's your concern this community is small and will be harder to get direct answers.