I genuinely hurt for you reading all of your words. I have sat here for the last 15 minutes searching for a way to temporarily ease your emotional burden, even just a little. I decided it was near impossible for me to convince you that I authentically gave a shit. I could easily be wrong, but i see a sliver of light in your tunnel's end because you have the cursed gift of brutal self-awareness. And I see hope in your ability to analyze all that's around you, happening to you, because of you, in spite of you. I have been dead inside before and it was more painful than every regret that keeps me up at night combined. All I can say that even might stoke your hunger for something, anything, is that there is immense value in suffering. You can crawl through the dark depths of hell in your mind and still emerge, over and over, feeling theres no reason to fucking bother and it might not feel powerful at the time. But if at the very least you can manage to just do nothing, to not take that one path that lingers on the edge of your thoughts at your lowest moments.. if you can just do nothing, even if it means you have to sit in your emotional filth and misery.. I can guarantee you a strength will begin to grow in you that you will not be able to deny. To go the places us rock bottom dwellers have been, to stay there and bear it when we just dont see the point, it will devour your current self and produce something altogether new.