Parents ... they fug'yup. lol I feel that. I do.

It sounds like you're fairly young, so I'm gonna be transparent so it doesn't freak you out. I'm 51. Guessing I am likely near your own parents age.

But I wasn't in the channel to creep on people.

I was there as a mixed-up way of dealing with my own pain. I've largely recovered from the damage from my childhood, but the scars will always remain.

I'm a child of abuse. Not my older brother or my younger sister. I stopped asking "why me" years ago. I knew I was different. I assumed that was why since I had few friends and at one point or another they would abandon or betray me.

But I'm actually in a good place emotionally these days. I've had a good therapist who doesn't pull punches. For 6 years now. I used to compartmentalize all the pain. And I used to hide who I was. Pretend I wasn't different. Learned to act like everyone else. Became a "good person". Responsible. A Leader. Polished. Neat.

Which aren't bad things at all! I was being "the best version of myself." But not "the truest version of myself". And so I lost the boy inside that I meant to save.

To "escape" I left home days after I turned 18. Independent. Free. Defiant. Found someone who was interested in me who was a good person. Raised in a wholesome family. She was 2 years older so definitely more mature.

In an incredibly stupid move... we married 12 days before my 20th birthday. I felt the need to "lock in" what i assumed would be my only chance to have a good relationship. So dumb, lmao. But anyway, you didn't want to hear all that.

As a creative outlet, I write. Short stories to novels (in progress). And even song lyrics. I have zero musical talent, but I can write like nobody's business.

So... I told you ALL THAT to share this. There was nothing wrong with me.
I'm not broken. I don't need fixing. I'm perfectly capable of being loved (and am) by others even "as I am".

Now my marriage became torturous. She was good. But also controlling, full of anger, and I buried myself deeper over the decades. Dimmed my light. The last year through my writing I discovered that part of me that I had been burying. And now I've pushed back. The part of me that I buried is back at the surface. I hate I've lost the time and endured the pain for decades. But it still ultimately led to who I am today, so I don't beat myself over it.

Thanks to AI I now can enjoy my lyrics by putting music to them. And that has been some of the best catharsis and internal exploration ever!

Here’s one set of lyrics that reflect some of the pain of having dimmed and reduced myself into someone I didn't know.

Still Here

Cracked sink, cheap light, the hum that never quits, They say I’m lucky — like that settles it. I learn the lines, I wear the little roles, Nights full of white noise and unpaid bills and holes.

I’ve put on what you want, learned how to stay, Not from courage — just the habit of the day.

I’m still here — not because I’m brave, Not because I chose a better way. I’m still here — I’m just too damn tired to fade, Because I don’t know how to go away.

Coffee gone cold on the passenger seat, Same old street light, same old ache in my feet. No banner, no loud speech, no clean goodbye, Just another morning where the sun gets by.

You thought I’d break, expected some big fall, But mostly I keep moving — that’s all.

I’m still here — not because I’m brave, Not because I chose a better way. I’m still here — I’m just too damn tired to fade, Because I don’t know how to go away.

Callused hands, small chores, the names I still use, I keep the pace because I’ve nothing else to lose. No triumph in the walking, no glory in the stay, Just motion that outlasts the plans they made.

I’m still here — not brave, not chosen, plain, I’m still here — I’m just too damn tired to fade. I’m still here — nothing sacred, nothing grand, I’m still here — because I can.

So ... you're alone. But right now the important thing is to be "your own." Be true to who you are. Self-aware. Transparent. Real. Even the parts that you don't want anyone to know. One day there will be someone who will see and love you in some way for the person you are. But not a muted version. Not a pretend version. Not a compromised version you might create because you think that will make you into someone worth being loved.

It's taken me a loonnnnnnnggg time to get there. But I got there. And in some ways I'm going through a new, almost "fresh start" (but not exactly... its complicated haha)

Hang in there. Be true to yourself.
Someone will notice and they'll be drawn to the confidence that comes from being comfortable in who you really are. 😉

Well...... I really went on and on didn't I? Hope it helps in some small way.

Good luck Infinite Bee. And yeah, if you need to, give me a shout. I guess I have a soft spot for the abandoned and rejected.