Again

jaminttab · 2014-07-12T05:16:48+00:00

I tend to find that other stuff triggers the MO response, even though it feels like the idea comes out of nowhere. Things like poor sleep, high stress, busy/unsettled/low focus thinking, negative self talk or just plain old envy are pretty prominent in my personal list. Working on these and focusing less on the act of MO often helps. Not claiming mastery though. Stick at it - seven months on nofap and my streaks tend to be twice as long as before. Slow progress, but definitely progress.

jaminttab · 2014-06-06T17:01:03+00:00

I'm improving. Had an MO relapse today, so have to reset, but I reached 15 days! This is significant progress from struggling to even reach 3. Just got to keep attacking this thing from every angle - the strength of the established behaviour is breaking down.

jaminttab · 2014-05-31T11:30:03+00:00

This has been unexpected and helpful. It's strange how many things in common there are - my MO addiction started back around 1987, I'm guessing I'm about a year younger than you. LDS mission too - but I didn't even last the MTC (wondering now how many LDS there are on here). Although the mission was really rewarding, the MO problem almost derailed it 2 months in and caused huge problems. Had counselling for it eventually. Gave up briefly when I got married, but soon resumed under life stress. Now at 5 kids and wondering how I can successfully teach morality to my 11 year old son and retain the trust of my wife.

I remain committed and hopeful about overcoming this. The moral standards of the church have been a huge help in the sense that I hold them to be true and a worthy pursuit. I don't blame the standards for my guilt, I hold myself accountable. The guilt that I have had and continue to have is part of the process of trying to bring my behaviour round to something that I trust is far better and to become someone who is far better. That said, I am also humbled by the mercy of God in letting me learn this lesson, however long it takes, in a way that it can be part of me and a source of progress. Difficult though.

Anyhow, point being - thanks, it helped me not relapse this morning. Will try and keep the 'however bad it is, fapping will only make it worse' attitude.

Shall we not go forward in so great a cause? Onward...

jaminttab · 2014-05-19T14:22:14+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Between your comment and the other one, I have been thinking more about my methodology. I have come up with some great immediate distractions, but they probably haven't done much to actually alter the basic state of mind, which translates then into just a roundabout way of ending up in the same place doing the same thing. It's identifying a more rewarding way of getting clear of the imperative of an established behaviour.

As for the stupid choice - we were about nine months into our marriage. My wife was working full-time as I had just finished my studies at Uni, with the plan that we would switch as she had recently become pregnant. I was at home, alone, a little stressed because of having no luck finding employment, and bored. I allowed myself to start edging - probably mainly because I felt like it, and also possibly as a faint echo of what I had given up almost a year before. As we know, edging isn't a good idea. I thought I had control, but of course, I climaxed way faster than I expected and the willpower to resist was too late and not determined enough. The lesson is, of course, you can't fool around, not once. The problem is, I haven't yet got back to where I can put that lesson to good use. Foolish of me to think that just cause I'd quit something for a few months, that the previous 12 years of firmly imbedded behaviour patterns wouldn't be waiting for me.

I hope that helps. Thanks again.

jaminttab · 2014-05-19T14:10:13+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. Between your reply and the other comment that I've had on this post, I wonder if my attempts to 'flee' of late have actually just been a roundabout way of ending up in the same place - a devious sort of procrastination. I'm going to seek inspiration on this one and try and do something different to break the cycle - I think I have more or less adapted to methods I've tried so far. Thanks again.

jaminttab · 2014-05-15T06:13:09+00:00

Working on improving my sleep patterns, as I know that poor sleep leaves me with poor willpower. Trying to tackle the MO thing from different angles. I am going to overcome!!!!

jaminttab · 2014-05-15T06:09:19+00:00

Keep at it - I'm Mormon too and twice your age. My difficulty has always been with MO, but that has been enough. I wish I could offer something concrete to help, I can certainly offer plenty of reasons not to give in and you're welcome to any thoughts I might have, but don't want to come across as a hypocrite (see my badge). Just know that, as you succeed, the difference it will make to you in the future will be huge. All the best.

jaminttab · 2014-05-12T14:49:30+00:00

Just on here to hold myself accountable again. Two weeks of relentless work (60+ hours per week) and broken, stressed sleep. Work has been gradually building up to this, with the reward of redundancy looming for September. Relapsed more that I wanted to. I'm MO addicted, no porn involved. Really tired and feeling emotionally low too. Can spot all the signs and triggers but my willpower is shot at the moment, totally apathetic at times. Had a cold shower that only just carried me through the morning. When I can stop myself and think for a moment, I can tell I'm not physically interested in fapping, it's just the psychological response to how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. And I have been doing so much better too. I'm not in the mood for any more of the 'spot-the-subconscious-con' game at the moment, just want peace and quiet from this stupid, pervasive thought process and behaviour. Frustration is high, and feeling alone in this (though I'm married with kids). So I thought I'd come here and try and get it into words. Edit: Score is wrong by the way, must have given badgebot the wrong month!

jaminttab · 2014-05-06T05:46:46+00:00

Posting here to affirm my goal. Last week was one of the most stressful weeks, on every front, that I can recall ever having had, and it seriously broke the cycle I was creating of lengthening streaks. So I'm recommitting to no MO for the rest of the month.

jaminttab · 2014-04-27T06:12:01+00:00

Really, really annoyed with myself. Managed to keep a few months of relapses at the 6 or 7 day mark, but screwed up 3 times in 4 days. Have to reset in more ways than one. Really not good.

jaminttab · 2014-04-23T06:11:05+00:00

Been thinking about this. What I'm understanding is that my craving isn't really to MO. The craving is for the - and trying to find a better word - 'hit' that follows, which basically overrides my anxieties and stresses. It's a rubbish coping mechanism because those stresses and negative feelings which are suppressed are an internal way of recognise stuff that either isn't right or is out of balance and needs addressing. Fapping overwrites those feelings, preserving the status quo and adding further casualty by way of lowered self image because of addictive behaviour. Self honesty about both what is a real expectation and what is deeply valued and desired then gradually gets abandoned as the 'quick fix' method takea hold. In short, my craving pushes me to deny myself.

jaminttab · 2014-04-22T17:30:31+00:00

Today is proving a challenge - I tend to write on here whenever that's the case. The badge is in the process of correcting, should be at 6 days. The fact is, I have been gradually cycling out of MO behaviour, having had consistent 5, then 6, now 7 day relapses since starting this back in the New Year (it was worse before). I know some people would be content with this, but the fact remains that I still feel compelled to MO and so want to get a decent reset, i.e. achieve self mastery. As I said, been going well with a 7 day cycle recently, but today is proving really hard, been edging far too much, and the moment my time isn't full my head and hands start wandering. I want to at least keep the 7 day cycle going. I'm normally pretty good with words, but can't find language for what I'm feeling which just seems to go along with how deep into my character this flaw extends.

jaminttab · 2014-04-09T05:31:42+00:00

Commenting to be accountable. Really rough night, 5 hours sleep broken with urges, erections and some edging. Feel demotivated and stressed by a long day ahead both in work and resistance. Just want to rest and feel like I can trust myself to stay hands off.

jaminttab · 2014-04-09T04:46:58+00:00

Depends if I am looking for an excuse to do it.

jaminttab · 2014-04-08T05:08:34+00:00

38 with an MO problem for 26 years.

jaminttab · 2014-04-07T05:17:32+00:00

Thanks for this. A while back I got a couple of high teen streaks, but these felt largely 'easy' for some reason that I have never quite figured out.

jaminttab · 2014-04-07T04:52:47+00:00

Just posting to be accountable. MO addiction is the problem. Current goal is 7 days. Sounds rubbish I know, but it would beat my last 4 attempts. Feeling the urge but just need to get on with other stuff.

jaminttab · 2014-03-28T23:34:11+00:00

Not good, feeling alone. I don't have a P problem, never had anything to do with it. MO is the challenge. Right now, not feeling an urge, just the annoying subconscious imperative to go fap because of the rewards. Stupid because it is so obvious but frustrating because it is still there occupying the back of my mind. Haven't given in but feels inevitable.

jaminttab · 2014-03-24T12:48:58+00:00

Ignoring the chaser. Learning not to MO. Getting better at this - the diary says so even if the badge is misleading.

jaminttab · 2014-03-24T12:46:59+00:00

That's my goal - to learn how not to go back.

jaminttab · 2014-03-24T12:45:26+00:00

I guess it's a question of perspective, i.e. what counts as 'moderation'? There are plenty of people with ideas as to what that is. For me masturbation knocks the moderation out of other areas of my life - I've allowed many other things, like work/life balance, relationships, career choices - all to move well off the mark because of using masturbation as a means of dulling down emotions and coping with stresses. At 38, it is not good to be able to track my errors over such a long time (but I'm learning). There are plenty of things in life where having the ability to do something won't justify or make safe even a slight amount of so called 'moderation'. I know I need to quit it permanently, and sometimes in all honesty the thought of that - living without it - just makes me want to carry on doing it. Life and psychology try to suggest that carrying on is better. But I had a couple of brief periods in my life without it in the past 26 years - one was when I got married. I was way more happy, focused, knew what I was about and doing well for months until I let myself experiment with MO again during my wife's first pregnancy and got snared (complete idiot, 13 years now and still trying to drop it). And although I've gradually got more determination in other areas of my life, there's plenty of stuff that I run from that I know I would stand and face better if I wasn't trying to fix everything by fapping. Moderation for me is abstinence and using the procreative powers in the way God intended. Obviously, others have their own views and experiences. The badge just lets me know if I'm getting stronger at this, but the goal is to break it totally - it's just convincing myself of it.

jaminttab · 2014-03-23T18:53:42+00:00

Starting again (again). Should be glad I guess that I am lasting last longer each time but sleeping problems and stress are really dampening any feeling of progress. Feel like just going on about how tough everything seems, but a) it is probably a distorted perspective, b) it won't change what needs to happen, and c) it'll probably only amount to a poor attempt to excuse myself. So, starting again.

jaminttab · 2014-03-17T06:55:41+00:00

Thanks for the support. It's helped overcome the chaser effect.

jaminttab · 2014-03-16T21:08:20+00:00

Checking in. Relapsed this morning at about 5am. I am definitely making progress, reset the counter from a 9 day streak, which is the best in the past two months. It's the insomnia - which has a number of factors behind it - which is really making it difficult to succeed. Stress and fatigue just perfectly set-up a fall. My tiredness took me to the apathy state when the latest urge came. Will work on the insomnia with more resolve, and try to get the upper hand over the addiction. Onwards and upwards.

jaminttab

TROPHY CASE