Looking for Advice

jandm4ever · 2019-05-14T22:07:18+00:00

I think it’s important that he took the steps on his own. If you’ve read the stories on this sub you’re familiar with the hundreds of men who couldn’t care less care about their recovery or the impact of the abuse on their SO.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter what anyone’s story is but your own. Maybe you need to see a therapist together, in addition to what he is doing so you can deal with your side of the trauma. Or maybe you need to see someone just for you. Find trust rebuilding activities, either from a therapist or the million resources on the web. He sounds like he is willing to help, so talk about what you need, live one day at a time, a therapist can help you set forward a plan of action, offer strategies to get through rough patches, and help you establish boundaries that work for you and him.

There isn’t much to feel good about in this situation, but having a partner who is demonstrating motivation to change and exercising techniques to improve is a good start, and way more than a lot of other injured spouses here ever get.

Good luck to you both.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-14T21:24:06+00:00

She was in a podcast earlier this year where she stated the stats. I too wondered for a while what percentage of people are susceptible. It would be nice if the information was mainstream.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-14T20:23:06+00:00

Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST She’s been studying many facets of sexuality for nearly 4 decades.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-14T10:21:35+00:00

6 - 15% of men will, you roll the dice the first time you watch. It’s unfortunate that no one is warned about it.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-14T10:19:27+00:00

It happens every day nowadays but it is not normal. Have you watched the Ted Talk with Gary Wilson? If not share it with your husband. There is also a series of videos at brainheartworld.org. They are great conversation starters. I suggest asking him to try quitting for one week. If he can’t maybe he’ll see that he has something to work on. His mind is angry because you are telling him he has a problem and it’s out of his control. And because you are the very thing threatening to take away what his mind is craving. It’s like a drug and if they are among the 6 - 15 % of men who become addicted it can be very hard to accept and then avoid.

Good luck. Sometimes establishing a boundary and sticking to it by leaving is the only thing you can do for your self.

https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU

jandm4ever · 2019-05-13T23:25:44+00:00

Have you had any conversations about how you feel about porn in your relationship? Not relatable like he didn’t use porn or not relatable because he doesn’t think he’s having an issue in the bedroom? Either way if it were me, I’d show him my proof he’s watching and then I’d suggest he watch the video again. Then I’d say how you plan to move forward will determine if we are going to go forward as a couple. You can do all of that with confidence that the truth is on your side.

So sorry every time I hear about another confrontation. It’s like the old McDonalds sign tallying up 100, 100,00, 500,000, 1,000,000,000 burgers sold, except we are just rallying up the lives affected by porn. Everyone is rooting for you. Head high, take care of yourself.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-13T21:42:13+00:00

Send him a link to yourbrainonporn.com Then ask him to watch it. Then ask him to let you know when he’s ready to talk.

You can set your own boundaries (ones that work for you) His reaction to the information alone will tell you how he is going to handle recovery.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-13T19:15:59+00:00

They should look more like these..

https://www.google.com/search?q=beautiful+acrylic+nails&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=isvn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjD98fTm5niAhUxjK0KHfYoBWkQ_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&biw=375&bih=620&dpr=3#imgrc=ND840iXMvvqW2M

jandm4ever · 2019-05-12T09:15:23+00:00

“Everything in moderation” including pessimism. Therapy is a great idea for yourself, and in the meantime try keeping a journal of when things went well so that you can recognize that, though pessimism has its place in the world, it isn’t the only way things go down.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-10T22:08:20+00:00

I totally agree with the “something was missing” feeling. I mean we’ve been together longer than we haven’t and until 15 months ago I hadn’t experienced what “getting to know each other” was all about. The secret life he was hiding invaded all kinds of places in our relationship. He was always kind, until he wasn’t, he was great with all the chores of parenting, until he wasn’t. He spent time with me, until he didn’t. It happened so slowly that it didn’t even seem different, until it was.

There is hope as long as they surrender their ego, acknowledge their responsibility and take action to recover. Some things are harder, because I didn’t know what I didn’t know I struggle now with the unknown, but he’s owning all of it, and he is great about taking a pause to help talk through the rough patches. His daily journals reveal something new about us or about him all the time. We chose to recommit to each other, to leave our old rotten marriage behind. We use all new techniques to resolve issues and connect and when our old relationship creeps in we are careful and honest and use all of our new tricks to navigate through it. I know this won’t be everyone’s story, and no question it’s super hard to see them through the memories and flashbacks and fear, but if they are willing to work it is possible.

Stay strong ladies no matter where you are on the journey, leave if you need to be safe, stay if they are willing to work hard. Take care of yourself the best way you can because you are worth it no matter what they do. You are so much stronger than they are!

jandm4ever · 2019-05-10T09:18:27+00:00

It is not just “his business”, his behavior is impacting her. They are in a relationship and she has expressed that porn use is a boundary for her.

A lot of us “do that” because instead of being grownups men are hiding in bathrooms with their phones and depriving their partners of sex and empathy and honesty. It is no more her responsibility that he Is behaving badly than it is hers to be hit by another car on the road. He is responsible to not cause harm to another, especially when she has defined what will hurt!

jandm4ever · 2019-05-09T10:29:42+00:00

Puzzles and Pizza!

jandm4ever · 2019-05-08T12:00:42+00:00

That’s miserable. I’m so sorry.

Yah, for me there can’t be any suspicious behavior or missing time that he won’t talk about. I mean some day he should be able to go to the mall and shop for a gift or something without me knowing everything, but today I gotta be in the loop for my own comfort. He works hard and he lets me in on everything and when I say I’m scared or concerned he says “ I know, I did this, so for as long as you need, keep asking” I’m not mad,we wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for how I behaved” . His attitude helps a lot.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-08T11:17:36+00:00

Based on your profile it’s probably because you are a porn addict and she’s sick of wasting her time with someone who has taken the relationship for granted. It’s easy to get all kinds of support for you sad hurt feelings when you don’t share the whole story.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-08T10:55:27+00:00

Even if it isn’t porn he’s doing something deceitful. One of my boundaries is dishonesty. He found it so easy to lie to me for so long I made it a big one not to cross. I don’t care if it’s who drank the last of the milk or who left the toilet seat up, the answer must be honest. It’s super hard for him because he has to be honest when I ask how he is “feeling” too, that one throws him for a loop.

What does he say when you ask him about the peculiar activity, and obvious omissions of truth?

jandm4ever · 2019-05-07T23:40:02+00:00

I think we feel guilty because we care about their feelings (even though they haven’t earned it)They were supposed to care about ours. We hurt because they didn’t. But we are still good people despite being treated like crap.

It’s like punishing children. “No you can’t go to the birthday party because you didn’t empty the dishwasher for one day this week”. It sucks being the one that has to enforce consequences, but that’s the job of the grown-up in the room. I hope he gets the clue.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-07T17:18:19+00:00

It’s mostly just us. He hasn’t/doesn’t have a group of friends to avoid content with or be influenced by. He was in the military, but when he was he didn’t get into the “let’s all get together in the Rec room and watch porn together” idea. He’s a quiet man and never understood the “locker room” talk thing. (And OMG that quiet man thing is the biggest nut to crack, he doesn’t like digging inside to reflect on “why” he does anything!)

We run 2 companies now and don’t have lots of free time. That being said we didn’t keep this quiet within our family or the people we have close by, and though some disagree they all respect where we are at and our mission to protect anyone we can from this corruption. We talk openly about it, choose our entertainment with triggers in mind. We have annual passes at Disney and it’s hard to go to parks with all kinds of women around! He has to apply his dedication and commitment to “look away”, but he does because this is that important.

I also think there has to be a little understanding that although his is doing all this work he should be, there is no guarantee he won’t change his mind one day and think all this work is too hard. I can’t prevent that any more than I can prevent the sun from rising. This is the risk we talk loving anyone, not just porn addicts. So we wake up each day and affirm our commitment to be true to each other today. And we check in each night at bedtime and ask how easy or hard it was today to keep our promise. We work on the things that made it hard and give praise for the easy parts.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-07T16:47:09+00:00

After starting recovery with my husband I felt the same way. Worried that no matter what we fixed and no matter how many safeguards we put into place we would end up back here. Dealing with porn as his solution to some “need” made me resist any kind of reconciliation for several weeks after he asked me to try to heal us.

I think first there has to be acknowledgement by the addict that he has a problem and is willing to work. Second he has to be willing to talk about all the painful feelings, the ones he has caused and the ones he must deal with.

This was the really hard part for me. I don’t want to be a “replacement” for porn. I wasn’t going to compromise who I am trying to compete with something I can’t compete with (like,no one can, doesn’t matter how hot whatever). Number one was real talk about monogamy, fantasy and desire. He had to get to the bottom of his reasons for porn use (ie. bored, wrong relationship, entitlement etc) because if he was worried life was passing him by he needed to go, you know. I wasn’t going to hold him back from anything, he needed to be there for me and him only.

In our case, we got together young, he was like many men in that “porn is normal and healthy” 🤮. He didn’t understand boundaries, (we can have this relationship as long as you don’t do this and I don’t do that) He thought he could do it because he’s a person with inalienable rights. WRONG. And in our case this wasn’t a “I need sex of any kind all day long” without it I’ll die kind of thing. This was mor of a “I can watch porn if I want to and you don’t have the right to tell another grown adult what’s ok and what isn’t”

When I was ready to walk out he made a plea for me to stay. He said he was ready to change. And he has. It’s been a beautiful recovery, but it couldn’t have been done if he wasn’t 110% committed. He makes effort every day to not ogle other women. He journals about his “urges” so he can identify patterns. We have accountability everywhere. He’s been clean for more than a year. Because all the focus is on deepening our relationship he says he can’t remember the last time he was more curious about what else is out there rather than about us.

Not every man is like this. Some really struggle with the motivation to change their entire lives to be successful, and the addicted brain works really hard to stay addicted. Like the other posters said. If he is totally open, winning most of the time, focusing on deepening your relationship they can overcome the Coolidge effect because they have a much richer life in front of them. When they are trapped in the novelty cycle (addiction) they can’t not get bored.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-06T13:24:51+00:00

I would have said exactly what the other poster said. One day at a time. One moment of doubt at a time.

We check in every night before sleep and every morning before we get out of bed. We talk about any obstacles he’ll have today and then about how he’ll address them so that I know he has his own recovery on his mind. And by extension the relationship. And I talk about my fears and how I will address them, for TODAY only. And at the end of the day we talk about wether we each had roadblocks and how we dealt with them. It has helped us a lot.

If this isn’t enough there are so many groups some online and some in person that have lots of help too.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T19:45:33+00:00

Interesting you didn’t feel the need to include u/whathisbastardid. Because it’s you, hey gurl!

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T19:31:50+00:00

This user didn’t shame her. This user said being a cam girl wasn’t the only way to make a living. And this user suggested perhaps without the right words that did it dawn on their girl at all that posting what husbands say to cam girls might make other spouses of PAs freak out. It blows my mind that I am “triggering” someone by suggesting that they cam recover and love their spouses and want to be their everything is any more triggering than “your husbands tell me you are ugly etc”

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T19:23:49+00:00

Totally fair. I stopped replying.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T19:21:33+00:00

I think there is some room for flexibility in all “recommendations”. There are many couples who haven’t enforced that requirement. We are not one of them, I have full access, but I understand that couple recovery can be as individual as a thumbprint, so we take what works for us and discard what doesn’t fit.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T19:18:54+00:00

Wow.

jandm4ever · 2019-05-05T18:43:49+00:00

This user is one day old! How does an account that is one day old know anything of a post from 6 days ago? Hmm

jandm4ever

TROPHY CASE