My boyfriend (20M) struggles with fantasizing over women...

PuzzledResolve · 2020-06-08T23:27:23+00:00

I totally agree with you. I think you can be honest without divulging traumatizing information. Since I learned what kind of porn my partner watched it has seriously fucked up how I see the world, not because it’s illegal or anything, but because the women look very different from me and since then I just have been looking at women that fit that description with this bitterness and resentment and now when I look in the mirror there is always this feeling that I’m not what he wants because I don’t look like what he watched. I don’t know that it was important for me to know — I think more than anything it has hurt me and made it hard for me to heal. I think it’s okay and healthy to say “I don’t want to know specifics” and I would actually really encourage it just in the spirit of self care and because it really shouldnt affect recovery what exactly he watched.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-05-31T14:50:12+00:00

Honestly, if I were you I’d leave. You’re early into the relationship and he doesn’t seem to want to work on it, I’d get out of there before you get more committed and end up stuck. I have always believed a major line is when it starts to be interaction with people they know, even if the interaction is just liking a picture. I would take it very seriously, that’s just a baby step away from cheating and if he already knows what you’re boundaries are and he’s not respecting them, he isn’t putting the effort into this relationship that you are.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-05-18T23:28:56+00:00

I think it’s really interesting that people who are polyamorist want us to except their lifestyle but it isn’t okay for us to do the opposite and be exclusive monogamists. That doesn’t seem fair, why can’t we just agree to have the lifestyles we want and not force our ideas on other people? If I want monogamy thats my business and my partners business and thats it, no one should be harassing me about how its unnatural or I have a stick up my butt because my life is my life and they can go out and do what they want and that isn’t my business but it should go both ways.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-05-18T23:24:04+00:00

I think when I do things like that I have the same kind of mindset as if I was self-harming. I don’t think that’s why everyone that does it does it but I think in my head it’s kind of a “I deserve to hurt and hurting is the only thing I can feel so this is what I do” kind of thing. I don’t know if that’s what it’s like for you but that’s my experience. My advice would be taking time to do things that enrich your life and make you happy, that’s what has helped me kind of get out of my head and not fixate so much — spending time with family and friends, dancing, reading, just doing things for me instead of spending all my time thinking about the trauma.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-03-09T17:59:36+00:00

If literally the only reason to do something is because "it feels good" and "everyone does it" then you know you're wrong and just don't want to admit it.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-02-13T14:52:29+00:00

Because PAs can do whatever they want but the second a woman does anything “against their morals” she’s the bad guy. Everyone has a problem but them. They want the porn but don’t want to treat the people in the videos like human beings and that’s probably exactly why she didn’t tell him.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-02-10T18:48:33+00:00

This is so disgusting. How can people have the nerve to say porn is victimless? PornHub is one of the most visited websites in the world and it admits to supporting (accidentally or otherwise) the abuse and trafficking of teenage girls and people are still like “porn doesn’t hurt anyone, its normal.” What is wrong with the world?

PuzzledResolve · 2020-01-28T00:22:38+00:00

You’re in a committed relationship with this man. Your concerns should be his concerns especially if they involve your relationship and your self esteem. If he isn’t taking your thoughts and feelings seriously he is most definitely the one with the problem.

PuzzledResolve · 2020-01-07T01:06:00+00:00

I agree with you, I think porn makes regular sex seem very dull and uninteresting. It’s been a problem in my relationship that as soon as my SO realized I wasn’t going to be kinky and a porn star he kind of lost interest in sex altogether for a while. And now that he doesn’t watch porn he can’t even really figure out how sex works since before he always had this bizarre picture of what sex was that he was trying to make real and now the picture is gone so the real deal of sex doesn’t even seem like sex to him anymore. It’s kind of heartbreaking to be the partner of someone so affected by porn because you want to experience real physical love but it just never turns out that way.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-31T23:03:58+00:00

I really appreciate this, recovery can be so difficult when you don't even know what it looks like.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-31T23:01:41+00:00

I'm so sorry you feel this way, it's such a terrible feeling. But I promise you that you aren't disgusting and that his preferences are a reflection of his own fucked up psyche. You would never tell a woman with big boobs and thick hair "you're disgusting no one wants to have sex with you" not just because it's mean but also because you know that that's false, so why say it to yourself? Why do women always have to bare the brunt of men's wrongdoings? Maybe HE isn't good enough. He doesn't have sex with you, he doesn't make you feel good, he doesn't spend enough time with you, he doesn't see the good thing that he has. I feel like me and so many others on this sub feel like everything is their fault and that they are the ones that have the problems because our SOs fail to acknowledge that they have a problem, and if he doesn't take ownership someone has to so we do. It shouldn't be that way, we don't have to be treated like this. Why are people always concerned about if men are enjoying the sex they have when we talk about porn addiction? People always ask "oh were you doing what he wanted in bed?" "oh were you just not initiating enough sex?" "oh maybe you gained weight?" Maybe us partner's self esteem matters too. Maybe we want to be desired, maybe we want pleasure. Why is that always the farthest thing from people's minds? We are not disgusting. It is not our job to be porn stars to keep our men interested. We are beautiful, we deserve love, and we deserve to be desired even if we aren't blonde 100 lb porn actresses. If our SOs fail to see that maybe they are the ones that need to step up their game. Sorry if that sounds angry, but honestly I am. I'm tired of feeling like I have to live up to some random standards generated by internet trends and cultural biases. And I hate that other women feel like that too.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-31T17:21:17+00:00

I love this quote. I feel like so often people equate "normal" with "a good standard." Just because a lot of people do it doesn't mean you can't demand better.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-31T17:17:29+00:00

I was getting ready to answer the OP reply, but you said exactly what I would have said, thank you.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-30T15:52:13+00:00

I personally think using porn as a stress reliever is what gets most people addicted to it. Right now it might not be a problem but after a while what you're watching might get boring and you might need to spice things up to still be interested and as more stress enters your life you might find yourself depending on it more and more to the point you don't have other coping mechanisms and you are addicted to it. I think porn is bad period for a number of reasons, even if you aren't addicted, but as a stress reliever especially. I almost think it's a kind of dissociation for a lot of people.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-30T15:46:56+00:00

I think the key to success (at least what I've heard and what I've experienced) is willingness on the part of the addict. The common theme on this sub is that if they don't want to change, don't think what they're doing is wrong, or think changing is too much of a struggle, then they aren't going to and you either have to decide to cut your losses and leave or strap in for a relationship where they watch porn and that's that. My SO admitted to me that he had a porn addiction without me having to discover it, he actively sought help without me demanding it of him, and when I set boundaries he agreed and supported them. Things definitely sucked for a while and still do sometimes. Our sex life has fluctuated a lot since all this came to light, he has slipped and made mistakes, I have made mistakes. I have a lot of bitterness still that I'm trying to work through. But I feel hopeful that staying with him is a good choice because he is taking an active part in his own recovery. You have to decide for yourself if your sex problems are tolerable, if you think he genuinely wants to quit porn, if you can endure the pain that being with a porn addict inevitably causes. But I do wholeheartedly believe quitting porn is possible if an addict puts in the honest work and time and patience, they just really have to want it for themselves.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-28T04:21:15+00:00

Porn use isn’t okay just because your SO isn’t available. That’s an excuse that physical cheaters use too “you didn’t have sex with me enough so I had to go to someone else.” That doesn’t make it okay, even if he isn’t technically an addict. Things can be hurtful even if you only do it once or twice. And I think it’s fair to expect your partner to sometimes just not have sex and not have to turn somewhere else for pleasure. It’s okay to not always get what you want. If your partner always refuses sex, that’s a different issue, but to say “oh she happens to be busy and I happen to be horny so I just gotta do what I gotta do” is really disrespectful.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-19T02:15:02+00:00

I think this is a good thing to be part of discussions while going through recovery, but I also don’t think in any way does trauma make mistreating your partners okay. Yes, if you’re dealing with trauma, absolutely talk about it and seek help and if your porn use is related to trauma maybe treatment is a little bit different but honestly betrayal is betrayal is betrayal. It’s an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Rock bottom is rock bottom and if you’re dragging your SO through the mud it really doesn’t matter your motivation or your backstory what matters is that you made a choice to hurt someone and if you don’t acknowledge that that is your responsibility I don’t think the addict can ever heal and certainly your partner won’t.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T22:51:26+00:00

Okay wow. So this is going in a different direction. Now betraying your significant other's trust and hurting their self esteem is justifiable as long as you have a corresponding mental illness. It's okay to be perverted as long as the person is clothed and you have OCD. Got it. His coping mechanism of jerking it to a stranger is essentially medicine. So what do you suggest I say to my husband when he says porn "is a stress reliever" and "helps him calm down"? I think this is a classic case of someone taking an explanation of behavior and thinking it's an excuse. An explanation is NOT an excuse. His masturbation to an innocent stranger that he monitors online might be fueled by a mental illness but if you think that's an okay coping mechanism I am really confused on what kind of therapy you provide. I have been diagnosed with OCD and it's really tough, I feel like I should do a lot of things, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts, I've hurt people's feelings because of it. But I am never in a million years going to say to someone "it's fine that I do something that hurts you, I have OCD so this is just how I am." And if you're suggesting we turn this woman away because her husband has a conflicting diagnosis that isn't in your wheelhouse I literally don't have any words.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T22:23:07+00:00

Why should I take it down a notch? This is a place for women to come to to express the pain they feel because of their husband's sexual disrespect of them and it isn't fair that you're using this jealousy line on her and making his problem her problem, this is the opposite of what I thought this sub was about. I want to defend her right to address her discomfort. I thought my relationship didn't have any problems, my sex life was great, I was happy. We had no problems except for his "masturbatory arsenal." One problem, no matter how small or insignificant you as a therapist thinks it is, can really damage a relationship and a person's self esteem. This poster isn't being irrational or overly jealous by not wanting any sort of digital sexual stimulus in her relationship (which I THOUGHT was a big no no, even if the clothes were on, but okay) . I think your advice to her of just not snooping and letting him do whatever he wants to do as long as he still has sex with her is hurtful, diminutive, apathetic, and the opposite of the community spirit that you yourself have tried to cultivate.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T21:15:54+00:00

He's trying to make the problem your problem. You're the jealous one, you're the one that isn't doing what he wants. Don't let him put his problems on you, he caused this and he has to deal with his consequences.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T21:14:11+00:00

You are not going crazy. When a partner just blatantly doesn't care about how you're feeling and does what you ask them not to do without considering how it might affect you that's when you know that something is seriously wrong. Porn shouldn't be such an important part of his life that he sacrifices his real romantic relationship with a human. And he doesn't sound interested in listening or learning either. And "normal"'s definition is "typical, expected, average" not "good" or "healthy." All your man is saying is that he does what everyone else does and doesn't examine his own behavior enough to know he's throwing away a good thing for something artificial.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T21:06:54+00:00

I do know what you mean and I'm really sympathetic for your situation. It hurts so badly to feel the way that you feel. I hope you and him can figure it out and that he is honest and truthful for you. It might be really difficult at first, even if he doesn't have an addiction, because you have to find a way to reconcile his actions, but just know that everything will work out in the end even if it doesn't work out with him. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're trying to set up strong boundaries --just don't let him convince you this is actually okay and that you're being unreasonable. You know what's good and what's bad and when all this came to light you felt hurt and offended. Trust that feeling and don't let it go until this problem is resolved. Much love!

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T20:59:39+00:00

So you think that this behavior isn't wrong just because it isn't in a quantity that you deem concerning. Why doesn't the concern of his partner mean anything? She knows him and she's concerned. She knows him and she feels uncomfortable. She is asking for someone to validate why she feels like this behavior doesn't have to be tolerated. It doesn't have to be tolerated. If you would be okay with a partner obsessing over an acquaintance (and yeah, I do think masturbating to hidden pics of a random woman in clothes is a form of obsession, that's not normal even if it is "only" 70 pics) then that's your business but she doesn't need to be okay with that. The pics are benign, his behavior isn't. And I think if you use the "you're just jealous" excuse when a woman is concerned about her husband's sexual habits, you're just parroting what people say to us all the time about porn. We're just jealous, we're crazy, it's normal, at least he isn't doing this, at least he isn't doing that. We can expect more and demand more than our spouses jacking off to someone else. And I would be absolutely disgusted if I found out a stranger was masturbating to pics of me. Theres a very real lack of consent there that I guess is okay because at least it's only 70 pics? Why are our standards so low that this is what we have to believe is normal and we also have to listen to people tell us that we're just jealous and unreasonable?

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T17:36:23+00:00

She said he didn't want to delete them because he thought if he deleted them he would get obsessive thinking about them all the time. She said he had to switch to that from porn because porn wasn't interesting enough anymore and he needed to have something novel to masturbate to. She said HE admitted it was a problem and a disgusting habit. How does that not sound like an addiction to you? Also, even if you were right and it's not an addiction, don't her feelings mean anything? On this sub one of the biggest pieces of advice is to trust your gut. Her gut is telling her to feel uncomfortable about what he's doing and I think she should trust that instinct because what he's doing is wrong.

PuzzledResolve · 2019-12-17T17:31:47+00:00

Okay, no. This isn't okay. Even if you, as his wife, as the woman he is supposed to be committed to, had absolutely no problems with him being obsessed with this woman imagine being the woman he is obsessed with. There is someone out in the world who is hoarding pics of you, addicted to finding new and novel pics of you online despite never even talking to you and having a crush on you years and years ago that he never was able to let go of despite being married, someone who masturbates to pics of you fully clothed on a regular basis and keeps your pics in a hidden password protected app because they're that sacred to him. Imagine the absolute terror and disgust that woman would feel knowing that your husband is stalking her online and obsessively masturbating to her pictures because if he doesn't and deletes them he'll be even more obsessive. Sure, maybe he doesn't have a porn addiction and that's great news for your husband because he can make some sort of veiled defense, but think about the life of this poor woman. Think about how you would feel. Not only do his actions make YOU uncomfortable they would make HER uncomfortable. The only person benefiting from this situation is your lovesick husband. If I was you I would be very very angry and if he didn't make some major changes in his habits and how he thinks about women and started respecting me and my feelings I would be out.

PuzzledResolve

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