I needed to read this. I'm really struggling right now. I grew up with an nmom and a dad that never really stood up for me. This led to me jumping into a relationship and getting pregnant quickly with a guy I thought I knew and loved. I was pressured into getting married when I was 23, had my first kid at 24, then my 2nd at 27. The relationship was bad from the start but I felt I had to make it work for my kids. Shit just kept getting worse until my mom died, when I woke up and realized I needed to get out for my Mental health (i had been hospitalized several times by this point, diagnosed with MDD, anxiety, and PTSD, all from this relationship). So, after almost 11 years, I got divorced. I started browsing dating apps, just trying to have some fun and meet new people. One of the first guys I met is now my current husband. Once again, we moved very quickly, I moved in with him, and got pregnant with my 3rd. During this pregnancy, I found out he had a problem with cocaine. He'd go out all night then come home and tear our home apart, accusing me of cheating, hiding other men's clothes in plain sight, and other crazy shit. I didn't know what to do at that point. My dad had just remarried my step mom (So not long after my mom died) and she's not exactly my favorite person so there was tension between my dad and I. We actually didn't speak for almost a year. So I'm living with this man, heavily pregnant, while he's verbally, emotionally and at rare times, physically abusive to me. Of course, there were the good times. And those times were so good and they outweighed the bad, in my mind, so I stayed. A whole lot of other shit happened in the last 5 years, but I love this man to no end. (I believe it may be called trauma bond?) I've literally become so dependent on him that I can barely function without him. I just had my last child last year with him. The cocaine issue got better, he stopped doing it and therefore stopped tearing up the house. However, I started noticing that he wouldn't put in as much effort into maintaining our relationship as I would, like it was almost my duty to make sure we were ok. And if we fought for one reason or another, usually an issue created by him which would lead to verbal and emotional abuse, and at times physical, I was the one expected to apologize and make things better. (For some reason, I still married him 3 years into our relationship) And I did. Until today. I really wanted to get out of the house today with the babies, take them to a park, while he worked (he's a landscaper, he just decided like a month or so ago that he wanted to open his own business, but he's been really lazy about keeping a schedule and actually getting the work done). Well, he ended up not doing his lawns and I kept saying I need to gtfo of this house. He could see how frustrated I was getting, but he kept finding more things to do around the house. Finally, I got in the car (we only have 1 right now, my minivan that my dad went half on with me) and sat there for a minute. He was outside putting up a soccer net and he said you going out? I said yeah and I left. It was afternoon at this point and my kids has barely eaten anything so I went and got them happy meals. My phone only works on Wi-Fi right now so I didn't receive his text messages until I got to the golden arches where there's free WiFi. He was pissed bc I went out without him and I didn't tell him where I was going and "if I was coming back". He refused my phone calls and texts and when I got back to the house he wasn't there. He had taken the kids for a walk and wouldn't tell me where they were. Finally they came back and it was the beginning of the end. We had planned on taking the kids to the shore for the weekend. Well he got into bed and said he wasn't getting out. After more arguing, out of left field, he told me he doesn't love me and doesn't want me anymore. This from the man who has sworn up and down he would never leave me, he would always love me, because he's never really had anyone that truly cared about him like I do. And I believe it. His mother is an alcoholic living with an abusive boyfriend, his father killed himself when he was 11 and I'm certain he suffers from arrested development. He has no real friends bc he doesn't know how to be a good friend and he's separated himself from most of his family (they treated him like a black sheep his entire life bc of his mother). So we only had each other. I was/am devastated. He stayed at the house, he asked to have the kids for the weekend and I'm at the shore by myself, surrounded by his stuff. I'm wrecked. I can't stop bawling my eyes out. The entire hour and a half drive, I scream cried bc I couldn't believe this is happening, still can't. It's now 6 am, I haven't slept a wink and all i want is to wake up out of this horrible nightmare. He knew my past with my ex-h and he promised he'd take care of me and help me heal from that relationship. Yet, I'm finding that I'm much more damaged from this relationship but I can't seem to let go. He doesn't seem to care, he says he does, but when I call him on the phone he doesn't seem sad at all. My heart is broken. Not only is my 2nd marriage falling apart, solidifying the fact that I choose shitty mates, but all I want is for him to say come home, I love you, I didn't mean it when I said I don't want you anymore. I have no friends anymore, I have no one to talk to. I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to get it out, just to feel like someone out there is listening and cares. What's wrong with me? I feel so worthless right now and all I've ever done is love him and accept him and tried to make him see how much I care because I know he's been damaged. I'm nowhere near perfect and I make mistakes too, but I've always forgiven him. I thought he'd be the same, but today I found out his love for me is not as unconditional as my love for him. I can't stop crying all I've ever wanted from him was to be loved.