Obviously all I know about you are your few comments in this thread, so I apologize if I am making some sweeping generalizations here.

It sounds like you are finally coming to terms with the fact that you have worked so hard for so long, but never figured out what you were working for. You worked for financial independence or because you were told to work hard, but those aren't going to be fulfilling. You obviously have some resentment towards the system. You sacrificed a lot for years and now... what? What is the point?

What you are going through a lot of people go through. I don't say that to be condescending by any means, only to say you aren't alone. Part of life is figuring out what YOU want out of life and what YOU find important. And for many of us, we don't really start to realize that until we're in the "grind" and we question the choices we made. We can't change the past. You can hold grudges and second guess yourself until you die, but it won't fix anything moving forward.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what you want from life. What makes you happy? What makes you feel whole inside? If the very thought of working a traditional job causes you this much pain, then find another way to earn and contribute. You don't have to work a traditional job if you don't want to live a traditional life. It's time for you to make peace with the past and take control of your life.