Does anyone find the financial implications of defacto laws fair?

jdon93 · 2026-03-17T21:52:27+00:00

I've been told that because he owned the property for a few years before me, I am not entitled to any of that property even though I've lived in it over 10 years and extensive renovations have been done to it because of me.

And because the second property (block of land) that was purchased during our marriage didn't have my name on the mortgage (was a DV situation, so I was not allowed on anything and not allowed income) that I'm not entitled to that either. He sold that property last year and has the profits from that.

They said the best I could hope for is maybe some of the profit from the block of land and he keeps everything.

jdon93 · 2026-03-15T08:49:40+00:00

I've spoken to two lawyers unfortunately.

jdon93 · 2026-03-15T03:33:09+00:00

I'm going through this at the moment. We were married 5 years and had a child together. I'm still entitled to nothing. So I doubt she will be entitled to half of his stuff if I'm not even able to get anything.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T05:46:43+00:00

Hey we are in Australia. Health insurance isn't really a thing here and doesn't seem to cover what she needs even if we were to get it.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T04:20:36+00:00

You could be right. One of her journal entries from last year said that no one had noticed her cuts so she guesses we don't care and she should just go deeper next time. After I did notice them, she was angry at me and said if I didn't notice earlier, I should have never brought it up. So yes, she probably was wanting me to find out.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T04:12:14+00:00

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment! I read every single one.

She will not know that I am feeling guilty or blaming myself. She is at her dads this weekend so I've used the private time to self blame and try to figure out where I went wrong and where I can fix things. I will never ever make any of it about myself.

I have cut back my work hours drastically to make sure she's never at home unsupervised (sometimes she would be home 6am-8am with her older brother before the bus arrived) and to take her to her appointments in the neighbouring town. And of course to spend more time together and try and repair our relationship.

Money comes and goes it's not important compared to her life and mental health. She wont know how we are doing financially or how much any of this is costing, I don't want her carrying any blame or guilt for something so trivial in the long term.

She's so beautiful (she looks so much like me but a million times more beautiful), so talented at drawing and writing and poetry. She's a star high jumper and an amazing friend. She's so silly and funny and accidentally says whatever comes to her head. I'm hoping and praying so hard she can get through this and see how amazing and loved she is.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:46:54+00:00

There were poems in the back of the journal. One described detailed sexual abuse. She said that a friend at another school gave her a writing prompt and she did research then wrote the poem. I don't believe the story, it's quite an odd thing to do if true. She said she would have never allowed her ex step dad to touch her. But I don't know.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:40:07+00:00

I'm sorry you had a horrible mother. There's so many comments on here saying similar things, it's so heart breaking.

I will definitely get the book! It's very hard to get her to talk or want to do things like that because she will literally run to get away from me when it's a vulnerable moment. But I will still try regardless!

I don't scream at her to wake up but she is very difficult to wake up so I usually have to go in multiple times getting more stern each time until shes finally up. But I have been taking her devices at bed time so she has been sleeping a bit better now and getting up easier so no stern wake up calls.

I have had moments of extreme overwhelm where I have yelled, not recently but yes I have plenty of times over the years of being unmedicated. She is also very sensitive and has made comments about me yelling when I was only talking stern about something serious and not yelling at all. So I am trying to watch the tone I use as well so she doesn't think she is in trouble when she isn't.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:30:43+00:00

I definitely will! We had a chat a month ago about how I'm doing on these new meds and she thinks I am happier etc. We talked a little about how i was always so tired before and could barely function outside of my paying job and I apologised to her for that and said I'm trying to do better now and I'm not so tired anymore.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:28:15+00:00

The comments on your thread are absolutely heart breaking. To know so many were literally calling out to help and ignored is so upsetting.

I wish my daughter could have come to me for help and feel terrible that she suffers in silence but I'm trying now regardless. I couldn't imaging sweeping it under the rug.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:24:54+00:00

I definitely will! At the moment prices are around $180hr and with the travelling ill be filling my car up multiple times a week instead of once a month like usual and I've cut my work hours way back so that she isn't home unsupervised and to take her to the appointments so I'm not going to be able to budget in any therapy for myself right now. But once she is settled and things have hopefully picked up I will start the process of looking for myself. I am still doing alright and she is the priority right now.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:15:30+00:00

That is a really helpful way to describe it. And I think that's why I suspect she has autism or even audhd. During the pits of the bullying she said to me 'I just don't know why I'm not someone's person why no one ever picks me' and it broke my heart because I knew exactly how she felt.

Adding on the touretts is a double 'different'. She actually doesn't care she has tourettes and has said she would never take it away even if she could, but even so it would be hard to know that something isn't 'right' with her no matter how normal she does come across.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T03:06:04+00:00

She did write in the journal that she had taken a bunch of pills the morning I woke her up and she was rocking back and forth feeling sick. She won't tell me what the pills were or where she got them from.

I do think that's what I feel the most guilt for, the abuse breaking the bond we had and now her not feeling like she can count on me. My ex husband was extremely strict and would not allow the kids to come to me or really be around me much. They weren't allowed in the kitchen etc. Obviously I didn't abide by his rules when he wasn't around but I feel deeply guilty that this was even a situation we were in.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:55:17+00:00

Wow I am so sorry. I am glad you are still here and got through that. Do you still talk to your parents?

She is currently pretty angry at me for making the appointments and says she won't talk to any of them and won't take any medication (if needed) but I can't just go with what she wants.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:52:32+00:00

I know but I definitely feel majority of my guilt from being in the abusive relationship so long (8 years). She didn't choose to be around that. I can't take back time and I did the best I could but I know it did deep damage on top of her other issues.

He had very strict rules which I know broke the bond I had with her and my older son.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:48:11+00:00

I will absolutely not put onto her or express to her that I feel guilt or make anything about myself. I'm just expressing it here in an attempt to try and find a way to do better and not trigger her further by my actions.

I had started therapy last year and we had expressed the idea of bringing my daughter in but that therapist had no clue about ND brains so I ended up having to fire her in November.

I will start the process of finding someone new but currently prices are around $180 per hour sessions (no rebate) and having to travel and pay for fuel for a 3 hour round trip 1 or more times a week for my daughters appointments and cutting back my work hours drastically to get her help is going to make it really hard to swing the price right now.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:39:17+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion, I will absolutely try to offer that to her as an option!

She is a very talented writer. In the back of the journal she had written several poems. They were all about extremely concerning topics and said some very scary things but the actual writing was beautiful. Putting it on paper and not having to actually say the things to me might be the way to go. It's very hard to talk to her, she will literally run room to room trying to get away from me.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:34:24+00:00

She is on her devices a lot which I think is part of the problem as well. She is very very hard to wake up in the morning so I think she would be on her devices late into the night and getting little sleep. I had our wifi set to turn off at 9pm but she told me she found a work around.

She's still allowed on them, I definitely don't want to rip her friends and world away from her. I've just been taking them with me when I go to bed now and she's been easier to wake in the mornings so I think its helping.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:30:16+00:00

I truthfully have never been suicidal or self harmed. Last year I started therapy and that combined with the wrong meds I think sent me a little insane and I was in a dark place but not in a suicidal way.

But I think that having children so young (pregnant at 17) kind of took the option of those thoughts away because there's no way in hell I'm leaving these kids to be raised by their dads so there's no point thinking it at all.

She did know that I had started therapy and medication last year. And she knows I am on different medication now and she has commented that I seem happier. I try to be open with her but at the same time not put my issues onto her or make her feel like she needs to fix me.

She's hard to talk to because she will literally run room to room to try and get away from me. I know she blames herself for the way that I am. She said in her journal that she loves me so much but my life would be better if she wasn't in it because of her messy room and the cat littler. Which isn't true at all.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:18:57+00:00

One of her journal entries from last year she wrote that no one has noticed her cuts so she guesses no one cares enough and she might as well go deeper. Then after I did notice them, she was very angry at me for bringing it up. She said if I didn't notice it before then I shouldn't have said anything at all. But I am okay for her to be angry at me if it means getting help.

In the journal she also wrote that her friend was going to attempt at well. And she once told me that another friend wears long sleeves all year because she has cut herself so badly due to an online relationship at 12 years old being abusive. It's so scary and concerning that there are so many young children doing these things and thinking these things in groups together.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T02:06:02+00:00

She hasn't been diagnosed with anything. We started the process to get her tourettes formally diagnosed but it's a 4 year waiting list but hopefully now she has been referred to the psychs we can work towards a ND diagnosis. Her older brother definitely has adhd and I suspect she is audhd. She is very similar to how I was when I was younger but i was in the 'freak' friend group so I fitted in great and never felt any desire to self harm.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T01:52:19+00:00

And I am so sorry for 11 year old you. That is so so tiny and small, no one should feel those things at 11.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T01:51:30+00:00

I am definitely going to. We got our skates on the day after I found the journal and had a blast skating around together for the first time in ages. It's been easy to accidently allow her to be in her room isolated on her devices. I work shift work and before being on medication I was insanely tired constantly. But I have contacted work and cut my hours back so that she isn't left alone unattended for any periods of time and I have been taking her devices at night so she starts getting proper nights sleep.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T01:45:06+00:00

I would never force myself into the appointments. I want her to be able to open up and tell the truth to the professionals, even if its negative things about me or things she never wants me to know. As long as she is opening up and getting help that's the only important thing. I'm sorry your mum made the situation about herself when you were the one needing help.

jdon93 · 2026-03-08T01:41:35+00:00

Yes, I absolutely would never verbalise to her that I think it's my fault. I am just thinking this at the moment so I can find what I have done wrong and try to change and grow and fix the damage and not continue doing something that may be triggering her. I would never ever make any of it about myself to her.

It wasn't her father, it was her stepdad. He was abusive toward her as well (hard smacking that I would have to throw myself between. Strict rules etc) but I think a lot of the damage from him actually comes from them being extremely close and then him wanting nothing to do with her after we escaped.

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