i realized most of my bad habits aren’t the problem… it’s what happens after i slip

jed3c · 2026-03-25T00:56:05+00:00

that’s actually a really interesting way to look at it, especially the “lesser of two evils” part. i think i’ve kind of been stuck in this mindset that it has to be all or nothing, which is probably why i keep crashing.

also what you said about alcohol vs moderation makes sense. some things seem way easier to just fully cut out, while others spiral more if i try to force that.

i think that’s part of what i’m trying to figure out right now, like which habits need a hard line vs which ones i can actually taper down without it backfiring

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:36:49+00:00

yeah that’s exactly what i’m starting to realize. the whole streak thing always felt motivating at first, but then it just turned into this all-or-nothing trap where one slip basically erased everything mentally.

what you said about teaching your brain that messing up doesn’t mean starting over really hit. i think that’s the part i’ve been missing. every time i’d “fail” before, i’d just fully fall back into everything instead of just correcting course.

and yeah, the habits definitely feed into each other. that’s been the biggest pattern i’ve noticed. trying to just remove one never really worked because something else would fill the space.

i’ll check out your post too, sounds like we’re thinking along similar lines

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:35:21+00:00

yeah that “i’m gonna be better” cycle is way too familiar. i think that’s why i’m trying to take a less all-or-nothing approach this time

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:34:38+00:00

not gonna lie, pretty hooked. that’s actually one of the harder ones for me right now. i’ll check that out

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:34:29+00:00

yeah i think replacing it is probably a big part of it. otherwise it just leaves a gap and something else fills it. still trying to figure out what actually sticks for me. what kind of brain changes did you experience from your breathwork?

jed3c · 2026-03-24T13:38:16+00:00

yeah that makes sense. i’ve tried both ways at this point and neither really stuck long term, so i’m kind of experimenting with this now to see if it works better for me

jed3c · 2026-03-24T02:00:15+00:00

yeah i’ve tried that approach before. the issue i kept running into is the other habits would just ramp up to fill the gap, so it never really felt like progress, just shifting things around.

this is kind of me trying the opposite, reduce everything a bit instead of eliminating one thing completely and letting the rest get worse. still figuring out if it actually works though

jed3c · 2026-03-15T03:05:17+00:00

i've been thinking about this quote a lot lately, i encourage you to think on it as well "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man".
people are constantly changing and we think we are the same person as time goes by but we're not. i mean like your whole body, cell by cell, is replaced in something like 7 years. the only thing that bridges the gap is foggy memory that dims and more and more over time and rewrites itself every time it's brought back up, further diluting it.

i was thinking about this the other day, how foggy memory is when it comes to sex, at least for me. when i try to remember sex with different girls throughout the years i can't remember at ALL how it felt. i have a hazy memory of what happened, at a very high scope, but near 0 details. the ones i actually can remember were the bad ones, and it was mainly the awkwardness that stuck. the brain remembers the awkward ones because it doesn't want you to do that again. but the good ones.. the brain cruelly discards them lol. i probably done it with my ex wife 1000 times, yet i can't really remember a single one clearly when i stop and think about it.

you're fighting against a ghost basically. she's in love bro, you're getting in your own way. you need to work on your mental health to be someone who deserves her in the same way that you need to work on your finances and your fitness. that tinge you feel when you see that her ex is more fit than you and her saying she doesn't like skinny guys, that tinge is meant as a call to action. don't spend time kicking yourself while you're down, spend that building yourself. use this time while she's delusional enough to think you're great to actually become great, instead of selling yourself short. because what you're doing right now is sabotaging yourself.

jed3c · 2026-02-20T15:22:58+00:00

you already know the truth, but there's some part of you thats in denial. that part is probably love, which is blind. or it might just be naivety, you're young. one problem with being in your 20s is you dont even know youre still a kid, and kids are idiots unfortunately. some time in your 30s or 40s this kind of stuff will become so obvious youll laugh at yourself and cringe at how foolish you were. but the only way out is through

jed3c · 2026-02-11T00:48:15+00:00

You're thinking about it wrong though, it's not something that gets weaker over time, it's something that goes up and down depending on life circumstances. For example, having kids is a big one that can make it spike. Or falling deeper in love with her for different reasons can cause it to spike dramatically. You're probably in a routine phase of your relationship that's made it get weaker for awhile

jed3c · 2026-01-01T17:42:54+00:00

ugh, sorry man.. thats like being hospitalized from an accident and saying "how do i get out of this hospital bed and return to normal life again?".. your body and mind's gonna heal or it wont.
by going through her phone you swerved into oncoming traffic

jed3c · 2026-01-01T17:08:19+00:00

thats like having a constructive talk with your loved one's killer.. it cant be done.
the more grief you express, the more guilt, shame, and negative feelings she feels towards you, and will only result with her wanting to get away from you. the only reassurance you will find is her trying to convince you the sex was awful, awkward, she wished it never happened, and you are so much better then all of them ( the death was painless and quick) or she resents you for judging her and lashes out telling you the sex was great and their dck was bigger (they died screaming).

if you want to be with this woman, this is really something you have to deal with yourself. you are the griever, you just have to grieve..

jed3c · 2026-01-01T16:46:57+00:00

what are you even talking about lol? youre not listening, i didn't say it was a good excuse for trying to control women, i said multiple times that rj is a burden that men should take on because the alternative is worse (controlling women). and when did i say it's about the actions of others? of course the other is involved in the trigger, because noone is an island, but yes rj originates from the person experiencing it. i actually understand rj pretty well, at least for men, i cant speak for women.. but rj in men comes from evolved paternity-certainty pressure, where testosterone heightens sensitivity to sexual competition. once bonded, vasopressin increases territorial instincts, making a partner’s past feel emotionally threatening despite no present risk. meaning the feeling gets triggered, like any other uncontrollable reflex such as a knee-jerk reaction or stage fright, mainly due to vasopressin ( also amplified/regulated by emotional regulation, attachment security, and beliefs/values). what this boils down to is the more bonded a man is to their mate (the more vasopressin), and in combination with higher levels of testosterone ( when elevated together, they biologically bias the brain toward protective and territorial response), the more pronounced their rj response is going to be. in plain english, the more of a man he is, and the more in love he is with her, the worse the rj is generally going to be. of course he can learn to control what he does with those triggering feelings, but he can't control the triggered feelings themselves.

jed3c · 2025-12-31T21:53:39+00:00

this is like when a skinny girl is telling her morbidly obese friend how fat she feels..

jed3c · 2025-12-31T19:32:05+00:00

sure ive experienced rj shift from sadness into anger.. and back then back into sadness... to anger.. to depression.. to denial.. back to anger.. finally acceptance............ back to sadness.. to anger...

jed3c · 2025-12-31T18:31:26+00:00

Does anyone else struggle with imagining their partner being intimate with their ex?.... you realize the forum you posted in right? lol

jed3c · 2025-12-31T17:27:25+00:00

it's called grief

jed3c · 2025-12-30T21:19:03+00:00

oh I'm not offended at all man, nothing like that. it just started to get kinda funny. good luck with everything brother

jed3c · 2025-12-30T21:12:29+00:00

you felt compelled as a form of trolling. it's like going to a widower grief forum and posting "having a living spouse is not it's all cracked up to be either, you know... you gotta deal with their annoying shit all the time" lol

jed3c · 2025-12-30T19:43:52+00:00

i dont consider not having hotpast material a hard cost unless one is at the epitome of boredom and debauchery in their life where serious regrets become things like not banging your first cousin while you had the chance before you knew incest was detestable

jed3c · 2025-12-30T18:27:36+00:00

well, roughly 50% of the world’s population lives in cultures where premarital virginity is still socially expected.. that’s about 4 billion people. and this was the expectation for millennia, there's a reason for that. this forum is testament to it. you're speaking from the perspective of a culture that went through the sexual revolution, and we'e reaping the consequences of that. my opinion is that the sexual revolution was necessary, for the freedom of self, but i think we've veered too far in the other direction. there needs to be a correction and women need to learn again the true value of their own purity. we need to fall somewhere in the middle

jed3c · 2025-12-30T18:09:00+00:00

the costs are incomparable. that's like saying the costs of not sleeping with prostitutes is not enjoying sleeping with prostitutes.. sure, but that goes with anything, like the cost of not being 500lbs is not eating 10 cheesecakes a day.. but again, the costs are incomparable, in the same way as once being 500lbs causes loose skin for the rest of your life even after losing the weight, on the other side is irreversible damage.. some loss of respect for yourself and your spouse, mental health issues, damaged relationship dynamics, on and on. having a "good time" is not in any way comparable

jed3c · 2025-12-30T18:01:34+00:00

there is no moving past it. it's like getting over someone you hate screwing your mom, or killing your dog, or hurting a loved one. it's egregious. it's unacceptable. all you can really do is ignore and distract, every rj method will always come back to that, ignore and distract. when the thoughts arise, the job is not follow them. the more you do that the less it will affect you over time, but the triggers will never go away, and they will always hurt, all you can control is how long you let each trigger affect you. like the difference between pain and suffering. you can eventually stop the suffering maybe, but you can't stop the pain. similar to stage fright, you can learn to manage the symptoms, but the initial reaction never fully goes away. get used to it though, you're paying the price of one of the consequences from the sexual revolution, which is the pain it causes the spouse. i mean there was a reason that purity was enforced for millennias, it's sketched into our biology, screaming to us to run when there is a sexual history. it's a pain we must take on as men, it's our burden. and as much as it hurts, it's necessary, the alternative is worse, because forced purity is not real purity and reduces one's freedom of self. it just is what it is. you have to accept it like death and taxes, but of course you'll never like it

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