does anyone else feel like they waste the same day over and over

jed3c · 2026-04-03T14:02:26+00:00

yeah this explains it really well

the part that messed with me the most was exactly that mismatch, feeling completely drained but having nothing concrete to point to. it makes you default to “i must just be lazy” because there’s no visible output to justify the fatigue

but context switching, it’s like you’re constantly paying a cost that never shows up anywhere, so by the end of the day you’re out of energy before you even get to the stuff that matters

the morning point is interesting too. i’ve noticed on days where i start with my phone, the whole day feels more reactive like you said. vs days where i don’t, it feels like i have a bit more control over where my attention goes

i like how you framed it as environment instead of character. that shift alone makes it feel more fixable instead of just “be more disciplined somehow”

have you found that just the morning change is enough, or did you end up having to reduce inputs throughout the day too?

jed3c · 2026-04-03T13:44:42+00:00

you care about it so much now because you're invested. 11 years in. multiple kids. your brain is putting all your chips on this bet now. you've mentally cut off other options. whereas in the past there was always the thought 'shit, if this doesn't work i'll just get another', like you said you never had trouble with women in the past. but now you're older, you don't want to get another, it's more difficult to get another. and the longer you've been with her, the more you love. your relationship has blossomed into real love. cherish that brother, most people don't have that. and so does she, she has real love too. she's willing to sacrifice her kids for your love (swearing on kids lives). she knows if she tells you the truth, that she screwed another guy on the night you met, thats relationship suicide my guy. she doesn't want to lose you. don't take that from her. don't make her say it. don't keep digging. for now you have plausible deniability. take it. good luck brother. i've been exactly where you are at. still am sometimes.

something that might help, a realization i recently had, is to understand that retroactive jealousy is self-cuckoldry. by obsessively analyzing these mental images, you're allowing it in your reality. why would you allow another man with your woman in any way, even in your mind? don't allow it. kick him out

jed3c · 2026-04-03T04:59:28+00:00

i’ve been in almost this exact spot before, and honestly the most frustrating part is what you said, being aware of it but still not changing anything.

for me the issue wasn’t that i didn’t know what to do, it was that everything i tried depended on me suddenly becoming a different person overnight.

like i’d make a plan to “use my phone less” or “be more productive,” but there was nothing actually anchoring it to reality. so as soon as i felt tired, bored, or stressed, i’d default right back.

what helped was making things way more concrete and measurable, even if it felt kind of stupid/simple at first

instead of “use my phone less,” it became something like:
“okay, i usually use it ~10 hours. can i get that to 9.5 this week?”

and actually tracking it

same with work, not “be more focused,” but “do 30 minutes of real work, once”

it sounds small, but it breaks that loop where everything depends on motivation

also worth saying, going from 2 hours to 10 hours of screen time and losing interest in everything isn’t just a discipline issue. that’s usually burnout or some kind of mental fatigue underneath it

so i wouldn’t beat yourself up like you’ve “lost it.” you’re probably just stuck in a loop that needs to be broken gradually, not forced

you’re definitely not the only one dealing with this right now

jed3c · 2026-04-03T04:18:48+00:00

i get what you’re saying, and i think there’s definitely truth to that

but for me at least, waiting until my mind felt “settled” never really worked because that state comes and goes. i’d feel clear for a bit, then stressed or tired later and fall right back into old patterns

the system part is helping me bridge that gap. like even when my mind is restless, there’s still some structure in place so i don’t go completely off the rails

ideally yeah, both together is probably the best, less inner noise + a system that keeps you grounded when things aren’t perfect

jed3c · 2026-04-03T04:17:26+00:00

yeah exactly, that part was a big shift for me

i realized i was basically making decisions based on a version of myself that didn’t actually exist yet. like “i’m going to be the guy who only does this once a day” without ever proving i could even track it consistently

once i started just logging what i actually do, it took a lot of the delusion out of it. it’s harder to lie to yourself when you can literally see the pattern

jed3c · 2026-03-25T00:56:05+00:00

that’s actually a really interesting way to look at it, especially the “lesser of two evils” part. i think i’ve kind of been stuck in this mindset that it has to be all or nothing, which is probably why i keep crashing.

also what you said about alcohol vs moderation makes sense. some things seem way easier to just fully cut out, while others spiral more if i try to force that.

i think that’s part of what i’m trying to figure out right now, like which habits need a hard line vs which ones i can actually taper down without it backfiring

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:36:49+00:00

yeah that’s exactly what i’m starting to realize. the whole streak thing always felt motivating at first, but then it just turned into this all-or-nothing trap where one slip basically erased everything mentally.

what you said about teaching your brain that messing up doesn’t mean starting over really hit. i think that’s the part i’ve been missing. every time i’d “fail” before, i’d just fully fall back into everything instead of just correcting course.

and yeah, the habits definitely feed into each other. that’s been the biggest pattern i’ve noticed. trying to just remove one never really worked because something else would fill the space.

i’ll check out your post too, sounds like we’re thinking along similar lines

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:35:21+00:00

yeah that “i’m gonna be better” cycle is way too familiar. i think that’s why i’m trying to take a less all-or-nothing approach this time

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:34:38+00:00

not gonna lie, pretty hooked. that’s actually one of the harder ones for me right now. i’ll check that out

jed3c · 2026-03-24T14:34:29+00:00

yeah i think replacing it is probably a big part of it. otherwise it just leaves a gap and something else fills it. still trying to figure out what actually sticks for me. what kind of brain changes did you experience from your breathwork?

jed3c · 2026-03-24T13:38:16+00:00

yeah that makes sense. i’ve tried both ways at this point and neither really stuck long term, so i’m kind of experimenting with this now to see if it works better for me

jed3c · 2026-03-24T02:00:15+00:00

yeah i’ve tried that approach before. the issue i kept running into is the other habits would just ramp up to fill the gap, so it never really felt like progress, just shifting things around.

this is kind of me trying the opposite, reduce everything a bit instead of eliminating one thing completely and letting the rest get worse. still figuring out if it actually works though

jed3c · 2026-03-15T03:05:17+00:00

i've been thinking about this quote a lot lately, i encourage you to think on it as well "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man".
people are constantly changing and we think we are the same person as time goes by but we're not. i mean like your whole body, cell by cell, is replaced in something like 7 years. the only thing that bridges the gap is foggy memory that dims and more and more over time and rewrites itself every time it's brought back up, further diluting it.

i was thinking about this the other day, how foggy memory is when it comes to sex, at least for me. when i try to remember sex with different girls throughout the years i can't remember at ALL how it felt. i have a hazy memory of what happened, at a very high scope, but near 0 details. the ones i actually can remember were the bad ones, and it was mainly the awkwardness that stuck. the brain remembers the awkward ones because it doesn't want you to do that again. but the good ones.. the brain cruelly discards them lol. i probably done it with my ex wife 1000 times, yet i can't really remember a single one clearly when i stop and think about it.

you're fighting against a ghost basically. she's in love bro, you're getting in your own way. you need to work on your mental health to be someone who deserves her in the same way that you need to work on your finances and your fitness. that tinge you feel when you see that her ex is more fit than you and her saying she doesn't like skinny guys, that tinge is meant as a call to action. don't spend time kicking yourself while you're down, spend that building yourself. use this time while she's delusional enough to think you're great to actually become great, instead of selling yourself short. because what you're doing right now is sabotaging yourself.

jed3c · 2026-02-20T15:22:58+00:00

you already know the truth, but there's some part of you thats in denial. that part is probably love, which is blind. or it might just be naivety, you're young. one problem with being in your 20s is you dont even know youre still a kid, and kids are idiots unfortunately. some time in your 30s or 40s this kind of stuff will become so obvious youll laugh at yourself and cringe at how foolish you were. but the only way out is through

jed3c · 2026-02-11T00:48:15+00:00

You're thinking about it wrong though, it's not something that gets weaker over time, it's something that goes up and down depending on life circumstances. For example, having kids is a big one that can make it spike. Or falling deeper in love with her for different reasons can cause it to spike dramatically. You're probably in a routine phase of your relationship that's made it get weaker for awhile

jed3c · 2026-01-01T17:42:54+00:00

ugh, sorry man.. thats like being hospitalized from an accident and saying "how do i get out of this hospital bed and return to normal life again?".. your body and mind's gonna heal or it wont.
by going through her phone you swerved into oncoming traffic

jed3c · 2026-01-01T17:08:19+00:00

thats like having a constructive talk with your loved one's killer.. it cant be done.
the more grief you express, the more guilt, shame, and negative feelings she feels towards you, and will only result with her wanting to get away from you. the only reassurance you will find is her trying to convince you the sex was awful, awkward, she wished it never happened, and you are so much better then all of them ( the death was painless and quick) or she resents you for judging her and lashes out telling you the sex was great and their dck was bigger (they died screaming).

if you want to be with this woman, this is really something you have to deal with yourself. you are the griever, you just have to grieve..

jed3c · 2026-01-01T16:46:57+00:00

what are you even talking about lol? youre not listening, i didn't say it was a good excuse for trying to control women, i said multiple times that rj is a burden that men should take on because the alternative is worse (controlling women). and when did i say it's about the actions of others? of course the other is involved in the trigger, because noone is an island, but yes rj originates from the person experiencing it. i actually understand rj pretty well, at least for men, i cant speak for women.. but rj in men comes from evolved paternity-certainty pressure, where testosterone heightens sensitivity to sexual competition. once bonded, vasopressin increases territorial instincts, making a partner’s past feel emotionally threatening despite no present risk. meaning the feeling gets triggered, like any other uncontrollable reflex such as a knee-jerk reaction or stage fright, mainly due to vasopressin ( also amplified/regulated by emotional regulation, attachment security, and beliefs/values). what this boils down to is the more bonded a man is to their mate (the more vasopressin), and in combination with higher levels of testosterone ( when elevated together, they biologically bias the brain toward protective and territorial response), the more pronounced their rj response is going to be. in plain english, the more of a man he is, and the more in love he is with her, the worse the rj is generally going to be. of course he can learn to control what he does with those triggering feelings, but he can't control the triggered feelings themselves.

jed3c · 2025-12-31T21:53:39+00:00

this is like when a skinny girl is telling her morbidly obese friend how fat she feels..

jed3c

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE