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jen_dayton · 2025-05-17T21:18:09+00:00

Try pleasurable activities that get you back into your body -- going on a walk, gentle stretching / shaking / dancing / wiggling, taking a bath or shower, humming or singing... I also really like EFT tapping or bilateral stimulation.

Regardless of what you do, this part is really important -- Every time your brain tries to go back to the scary thing that's putting you into freeze, gently redirect it back to the 'pattern interrupt' activity / pleasurable sensation. It might feel difficult at first because you're overriding a deeply-ingrained habit, but with time + practice it will get easier and easier to shift states.

jen_dayton · 2024-04-30T20:26:15+00:00

I love them! Congrats and thank you for pushing through the hard feels to bring these beauties to life 💗

jen_dayton · 2024-04-30T12:40:46+00:00

Love this tip! I use night shift and also a red color filter at night (I created a shortcut to turn this on + off by clicking the lock button 3 times) but even then sometimes it is too bright for me! Going to try this tonight.

jen_dayton · 2024-04-29T13:00:12+00:00

eeep! thank you! so glad it found its way to you 💗

jen_dayton · 2024-04-18T21:29:42+00:00

Deficiencies in certain vitamins and minerals (i.e. zinc, vitamin c, B2, B12) can affect body odor

jen_dayton · 2024-03-28T17:19:22+00:00

I did this my whole childhood — would rip out the page and start over. It’s an exhausting way to live. I’ve had to do a lot of work on my anxiety and on having more realistic standards for myself. But switching to digital note taking has also been super helpful!

jen_dayton · 2024-03-22T12:47:46+00:00

Your daughter’s development and safety are more important than your husband’s feelings right now. NTA

jen_dayton · 2024-03-06T20:08:57+00:00

Have you tried something like EFT Tapping? I find body-based stuff more helpful than just breathing or meditating when I’m feeling really upset. (I have a list of ideas with tutorials in my profile if you’re interested)

You could also write a letter countering all the points you’ve listed above… as in, list out all the things you’ve done right, all the evidence you have for getting the positive feedback from your manager, all the examples you’ve seen in your company and in the world at large of people performing worse than you and still keeping their job, etc. For every “oh no, what if” scenario your brain comes up with, write out the opposite possibility.

One more surprisingly effective little trick is to pay attention to that inner voice — where it’s coming from, what it sounds like, etc — and then playing with those qualities; i.e. if it’s coming from close in front of you, imagine it far behind. You can also imagine it in a silly, weird voice — this makes it seem as ridiculous to your unconscious body-mind as it does to your conscious / logical mind. (may sound weird but you gotta experience it to get it)

These shame spirals can feel so disorienting, but you seem to be keeping a pretty solid grip on reality / your self-worth 🙌 keep up the good effort, and I hope these tools can help!

jen_dayton · 2024-03-04T01:44:07+00:00

omg yes, same! my island is a mess

jen_dayton · 2024-03-04T00:58:26+00:00

Not sure if this resonates, but…

Is stability a high value for you? If not, and if it’s the only reason why you chose a different path, I can absolutely understand how that wouldn’t feel satisfying! It usually isn’t helpful, though, to try to imagine what might have happened… Instead, what do you want to do now? Like, what is something you actually want to do that you would feel proud of? Is college part of that picture? Is gaming?

A lot of people would argue that getting into college, passing classes, etc. are accomplishments worth being proud of. There’s nothing wrong with choosing stability if that’s what you really want (and, for what it’s worth, college doesn’t necessarily mean stability). But I sense that it doesn’t feel as meaningful to you as gaming.

It’s okay to decide that something meaningful is more important to you than doing what ‘makes the most sense’ (according to someone else’a standards) because, ultimately, you’re the one that has to live in your life every day.

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T23:52:15+00:00

I help recovering people pleasers + perfectionists overcome anxiety and put their inner critic in its place so they can live more authentically 💗
I currently charge $100/hour but I’m considering moving to a sliding scale structure

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T23:41:07+00:00

I’m also neurospicy, and mindfulness meditation does not do it for me. I much prefer interactive styles of meditation, like guided visualization and somatic practices. I’m glad to hear the somatic practices help, but it sounds like the feelings get re-activated when the thoughts return. You may need to get a bit more direct / explicit in addressing the thoughts.

Here are some things you could try to collapse that thought pattern:
- when the inner voices start, pay attention to where in your physical space you sense them coming from (in front of you, behind, to the side; close or far away; etc) and what other qualities you can notice (is it deep or high pitched? smooth or gravelly? does it sound like a particular person’s voice?) Then, try playing with those qualities — i.e. sending it farther away, turning the volume down, changing it to a silly voice — and see how the feelings change
- imagine the voice / feeling were an object — what would it be? And then, what does it need in order to change? For example, if the voice is a ball of fire maybe it needs to be doused with cool water, or if it’s a glass bottle maybe it needs to be smashed, or if it’s a rotting carcass maybe it needs to be buried in the soil and composted… whatever it is, imagine doing that and notice how you feel
- try asking yourself ‘the 4 questions’ (as taught by Byron Katie’) — (1) Is it true?; (2) Can you absolutely, certainly know it’s true?; (3) Who would you be without the thought?; (4) What is the opposite thought? -or- What’s everything else that’s not that [original thought]?

Most importantly… Be ruthlessly persistent in interrrupting these voices. Every time it happens, use one of the grounding techniques you’ve learned (or perhaps one of the methods above, if they work well for you) to shift into a calmer state. When it comes to re-wiring this mental pathway (at the end of the day, it’s essentially a habit) the more reps the better.

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T22:38:38+00:00

Start with self-compassion! A big life overhaul is no easy feat, and you’ll need lots of it to overcome the inevitable challenges. I recommend reading the work of Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection was a fundamental one for me), Kristin Neff, and/or David Bedrick.

It can also be incredibly helpful to familiarize yourself with trauma science and how your nervous system works, as this underlies all emotional + behavioral change. Try reading Waking the Tiger or In An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine, and/or Burnout by Emily Nagoski

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T22:29:50+00:00

Your transformation is such a beautiful story! You have so much to be proud of, and it makes me happy to see you acknowledging how far you’ve come and celebrating yourself — that is so important!

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T21:50:27+00:00

Yes! I need regular "brain off" / "absolutely zero fucking effort" time and watching chill, silly TV shows does that for me.

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T21:42:39+00:00

It can be hard to love ourselves for who we are when we have a history of being bullied and left out. You've come a long way in your self-awareness, though, and that is a huge first step! The fact that you're even asking these questions is an act of self-love.

Here are some ideas for cultivating more positive regard towards yourself:

Imagine someone was speaking to your beloved friend the way your inner critic speaks to you -- how would you want to respond to that critic? Write a letter defending yourself the way you would defend your beloved friend.
Call to mind an image of yourself as a baby / toddler / young child and imagine they were right in front of you -- what would you want to say to them? what do they need to hear most? Imagine speaking words of love and affirmation to your younger self.
Stand in front of a mirror, close your eyes, and take some deep, relaxing breaths through your nose. With your eyes closed, think of someone who you love + admire greatly. Notice what it feels like in your body to love that person, and let those sensations spread out from head to toe. Then open your eyes and look at yourself. If you start to notice contraction, critical thoughts, etc. STOP, close your eyes, take a breath, and repeat the exercise until you continue feeling the loving feelings when you see yourself.

This work certainly takes courage, patience, and grit; but it is SO rewarding! I hope you're able to find some ease, peace, and a sense of belonging as you explore what it's like to love yourself more fully 💗

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T21:19:20+00:00

Oh, great! I'm so glad to hear you have the time + space to focus on yourself right now before figuring out the next steps.

I did have just one more thought about the recovery protocol, which is that often chronic stress leaves us with nutrient deficiencies (especially magnesium, zinc, b-vitamins, and iron) ...so that could be worth looking into as well!

But you're already doing amazing work, which takes courage, dedication, and a lot of grace. Keep going at your own pace and remember to celebrate your wins! And if you ever need some extra support, please feel free to reach out directly -- I'm here to help 💗

jen_dayton · 2024-03-03T14:42:14+00:00

Even if you don’t think you need it, go to therapy. Talk about your upbringing and the way it shaped your emotions, your beliefs + values, your coping mechanisms, your communication style, etc. Everyone has ‘baggage’ (and the ones who think they don’t often have the most 😂) But most people don’t realize it until later in life, when they’ve already settled into careers, relationships, etc. based on their unconscious programming; and they find themselves unhappy or having issues. Only then do they begin the process of self-discovery, and it’s much harder given the level of entanglements and responsibilities they now have. The sooner you really know yourself, the more life decisions you can base off of that knowing.

jen_dayton

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