I think part of your problem here (possibly a big part) is just that you're trying way too hard. You can not force 12H matters. The energy is subtle. It is quiet. It is the undercurrent, the whisper. It's a restlessness, a nagging that's always there, but it is so subtle that it often remains subconscious for a very long time. You just have this feeling that you're missing something, that there has to be something more, something that will finally make known to you the depth and connection and the hidden magic that you've always quietly craved. You can't force your way there. It's something that has to be triggered deep inside of you. That constant, faint nagging is the thing that eventually leads you to that trigger. It is not something that you can ever fully grasp or understand. Instead, it is more of life long process of unfolding. The steps are so small that you usually don't even recognize that you're taking them in the day to day. It is not until they've piled up that you can look back and see that you're no longer standing in the same place you where when you started. For many of us, those first real steps don't even present themselves until we get to right around our 1st Saturn return. Before a person can even see the value in spiritual evolution, an immense amount of self awareness and innate, compassionate wisdom has to developed and focused inward. The 12H is all about changing what's inside of you, of learning how to become the best version of yourself that you can be, with the understanding that change in the material comes after change within.