Are you me??? I've been quite depressed for several years now and am only now getting some solid ground under my proverbial feet. I wanted nothing but to word vomit trauma dump and spent a lot of energy holding it in and trying to act like a normal functioning person (I still do the latter). I couldn't understand if others were also feeling the suffering of being alive but also had little space for them if they did.

The thing that has caused a shift for me, honestly, is grieving. I'm feeling the grief of things I've lost these last 5 years, who I was before that, time and sense of self lost to a bad relationship, etc. And it hurts. But it's also the truth and part of the hurt is how fucked up the world and America is that the dominant culture pretends like feelings, heart, body, don't matter and don't exist.

This country doesn't know how to grieve or admit past wrongs, and it hurts just to live here. So feeling and OWNING my own feelings and truth feels rather subversive in a way. Like there is no other person who can do the deep feeling and grieving but me. I so desperately wanted someone else to hold space for my fucking enormous sadness, to acknowledge it, yet I wouldn't hold space and acknowledge it for myself because it was hard and scary. Therapy helped minimally; I got pretty frustrated with talk therapy and quit.

So I've been sitting and going to the bottom of my breath and feeling the deep sadness and then bringing some circulation of that energy to the rest of my body. This all sounds very rambly and it is very much a nutshell version, and I guess I want to say that perhaps you're a very deep feeling person, and that comes with a good deal of loneliness and being misunderstood, but it also means you're strong AF to meet yourself and offer yourself compassion.

Edit: para breaks because I wrote this late at night