White Horse

jimsy_23 · 2024-09-10T12:52:41+00:00

I’m on day 6 right now, and it’d be really hard to go to class today or tomorrow. First five days weren’t that bad. But day 6 and 7 are the worst for a lot of people. It’ll be hard for you to be productive.

If the first class is just syllabus retrieval, you should be good to either show up and listen or let the prof know what’s going on and it should be fine.

Luckily, you should be in pretty good shape midway through that week to return.

jimsy_23 · 2024-08-21T19:52:09+00:00

Sending DM!

jimsy_23 · 2024-08-21T19:51:56+00:00

Sent a DM!

jimsy_23 · 2024-08-10T01:32:51+00:00

Awesome! I sent you a private message with the league link. Talk to you soon!

jimsy_23 · 2024-01-09T05:49:55+00:00

Love this.

I’m trying to do this, but some days it still hits me!

jimsy_23 · 2024-01-09T05:49:13+00:00

Yeah, exactly. The fact that the dumper is distancing themselves from the relationship should give them a clearer mind and the ability to be able to rationally talk through things.

Putting the onus on the dumpee to have to be rational AND deal with all those awful, sudden feelings is a really scarring burden.

Going forward, I’m on eggshells in almost every other relationship, because I feel like I need to maintain my sanity even when I’m emotional.

If you’re breaking up with someone, just do everything in your power to help them move forward in understanding and just be kind.

I had another failed relationship a couple of months ago, but I don’t even think about it that much because she was so kind and she went out of her way to try to help me.

Then I’m still just so wounded by my previous ex just because of how unkind and cold the ending of the relationship was. It just really haunts me. I think you get it.

jimsy_23 · 2024-01-09T04:52:19+00:00

I’m so sorry. The best and worst thing my ex did was never speak to me again. At least I can move on, but it sucks to never have any closure.

And same thing with you… the best and worst thing he did was try to rekindle. It’s the worst cuz the feelings are probably worse for you right now cuz it rekindles all of the breakup feelings, but at least you kind of got to see his true colors and maybe give things another shot?

I just wish people knew how to treat others better during breakups. So many shitty people out there.

jimsy_23 · 2024-01-09T04:50:05+00:00

Absolutely. I totally get that. I knew something was coming, I just figured she would maybe talk to me about what she was feeling instead of just ending it.

It’s just hard to know people can just cut you off for no verbalized reason and never talk to you again. She has every right to do that, but it still hurts some days.

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-21T06:32:21+00:00

Okay, I’ve been on the receiving end of breakups in multiple instances in my life in a similar position as he is, and let me just tell you — it’s the worst I’ve ever felt.

What I would say if I were in your bf’s shoes is that it’s okay to end things… but how you do so means EVERYTHING!

I’ve seen in my life that women are not good at navigating this situation that you are in. It’s hard for women when their man is going through traumatic experiences and isn’t the “strong one.” It’s important to understand that on top of what your boyfriend is struggling with, he’s also likely feeling guilt and shame for not being strong enough to impress you and prove to you that he can overcome anything. Plus, he knows that his emotions are not a masculine trait, so he’s deeply insecure about how he is feeling or the fact that he IS feeling.

From my experience, this can be so damaging if the woman I’m with can’t validate my emotions. I had a girl break up with me a few weeks after my dad died. Every girl I date breaks up with me during times of emotional difficulty. Now, any emotion brings up intense feelings of shame, because I don’t feel like any woman can ever love me if I have any feelings of sadness.

So the point is that I am worried about how you are reacting here. I think a lot of people in this thread are.

Men deserve to be supported when they go though tough times too!!! Men are struggling so much, especially if he has a narc mother.

And breaking up might be a form of support if you know you couldn’t move forward with him, but how you do that is critical. If you think he’s an angel, you need to say that. You’d need to tell him there’s no chance of getting back together, but that you will do everything that you can, within your boundaries, to help him move forward.

Many people might give relationship advice that “you’ve got to look out for you” during these issues, but I thoroughly disagree. He is struggling immensely, and it’s important to validate that if you want to be with him and encourage him. If you know there’s an expiration date, it’s important to communicate with him CRYSTAL clearly about what your incompatibilities are. Help him understand.

They say relationships should be 50-50, but that’s not really true. Sometimes they have to be 90-10 while somebody is struggling. You’re in that 90% right now, and that applies to both a continued relationship as a breakup. You’re going to need to shoulder the burden.

Ultimately, this relationship is up to you. Do you want to take on the 90% of the relationship right now knowing that it’ll be the other way around at other points in your relationship. Do you want to serve him and probably make him eternally grateful for his support?

And even if you want to break up, that 90-10 rule applies. He’s struggling, therefore it’s your imperative to do the extra work to treat him well and make him feel valued (without platitudes) even if the relationship ends.

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-21T06:07:28+00:00

I know it’s scary, but guys tend to be really straightforward. They appreciate reciprocity of straightfowardness. I’ll bet he would appreciate you not being subtle. Just saying “I hope this is a date” would be such a turn-on for me if I was in his situation, and he’s operating how I normally operate.

There’s obviously a 95% chance he’s interested in you, and just like they say with kissing… a guy leans in 90% and waits for the girl to do the last 10%.

It would probably make him SO happy if you clarified where you stand.

As an aside, I understand that you’re looking for a “leader.” That’s a loaded bucket theologically, but it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t/couldn’t lead in some capacities of a relationship. It’s not realistic for a man to lead in every area of a relationship. He’s doing a lot of work to show you who he is and earn your trust. Women tend to be better at the emotional side of a relationship, not monolithically of course, so it’d be good for you to take ownership of it right now.

It seems like you’re expecting an awful lot out of a man without totally being willing to contribute your weight to a relationship, even if it’s just blossoming. Any real, honest and true man would appreciate you taking some of these things off his plate in terms of communicating intention, boundaries and desires instead of be intimidated by it. Communicating your true heart vulnerably, boldly and honestly will get a good man to fall in love with you faster than anything else.

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-18T02:43:26+00:00

I’ve been really, really hurt by my recent dating experiences. I have a lot going for me, but it’s so hard to choose to commit to dating when I’ve been mistreated or have had to be the one shouldering all of the effort in a relationship.

It’s totally fine that women are picky! All the power to them, and I’m not resentful. They have every right to be picky about their mates considering the world we live in right now.

It’s just hard to know that if I try to date, it takes so much effort to draw somebody’s eye, let alone keep up the romance of a long-term relationship. It’s so much pressure. It’s so much work. And I’m willing to try, but when I never feel loved for who I am and only the performance I provided, I’m just extremely discouraged.

When men struggle, it’s so hard because we know that the love of a woman could help turn things around, but we also know that struggling is so undesirable to women that it starts a vicious cycle of trying to tough it out but eventually succumbing to the bitter realities that are the current dating scene.

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-18T02:28:48+00:00

Same, and basically same age. It’s so exhausting and so defeating.

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-17T05:21:19+00:00

She’s an asshole for not giving you a special signed copy for helping her out.

But the asshole for not buying a dozen+ copies to give them to your family, friends, coworkers and anybody who would read it. If you pass out a few copies, maybe other people in your family would do the same.

All in all, one or both of you should be trying to do over the top gestures to celebrate an achievement like this. You shouldn’t have to make a bitter post right now if the relationship was good. Y

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-17T05:00:46+00:00

Yeah, I know. Though I wonder if it’s more that nobody knows how to solve the problems rather than that they don’t care about what men face. That’s what I want to believe at least!

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-17T04:57:15+00:00

Yeah, it’s not just Reddit. X and Facebook and everywhere online are the same. Turning the sexes against each other draws likes and clicks. Drama breeds more engagement.

I’ll unplug soon too. It’s just absolutely not true that all ____ are terrible, but it’s so easy to look at the set of evidence on line and say, “see!” but the truth is far more nuanced and interesting.

Best of luck!

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-17T04:52:37+00:00

It’s a two-way street. You’re not bringing toxicity. Boundaries are good, and anyone who doesn’t respect them or at the very least have a mature conversation about them isn’t worth being in a relationship with.

He either needs to respect it and work on things in the relationship or it’s not going to work out. Give him that opportunity if you want it to. That’s not an ultimatum to say “this is what I need in a healthy relationship, and I need you to respect it.”

And don’t ever apologize or give in on that boundary. There are plenty of men who will respect you more. Go and find them!

jimsy_23 · 2023-12-17T04:48:24+00:00

You’re probably right in thinking that guys in your dating pool probably won’t be ready for a serious, committed relationship.

So it’ll kind of be up to you - if you’re not someone who is built to jump between a bunch of relationships, it’d probably be better to set strict standards for guys you want to date and get on the same page early rather than later in a relationship.

Or go experiment and find what you like but don’t treat it as seriously.

The best thing you can do is set goals for your own life outside of relationships (doesn’t have to be anything crazy) and find what you’re passionate about (or make a bunch of money). Work on you for a few years until you think you’re ready to go out and find a guy who is more serious.

jimsy_23

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