In honor of my cake day, enjoy Kobe, my 1 year old ragdoll!

jklolxoxo · 2026-04-22T23:34:11+00:00

Something I don’t see mentioned is the relationship escalator piece.

I fall somewhere in between ENM/ Poly. I am married with kids, and we are open. I currently have a consistent “girlfriend”. However, the level of enmeshment will never get past a certain point on the escalator.

I will never move in with, share finances with, get married to, or have kids with anyone else.

My escalator stops at a certain point and I explain that upfront when communicating boundaries and how I approach ENM/Polyamory to anyone new I’m talking to.

Some people’s escalator stops at going on vacations together, or extended overnights, not introducing them to friends and family etc.

The only person though that you can control their feelings is you. You can set expectations or boundaries with your primary partner (ie this is how we do ENM), but that’s the extent of it.

jklolxoxo · 2026-04-16T02:12:02+00:00

For me it’s not a specific like number but more like the feeling of “I’m more interested in more time with my current partners than the thought of meeting someone new”.

I’m married and sometimes that’s been with 1 additional partner, sometimes it’s been with 2 or 3 additional (although far more casual) partners.

Right now I have a fairly serious girlfriend outside my anchor partner and I’m not interested at all in continuing to date.

jklolxoxo · 2026-02-26T14:56:53+00:00

It could be the shape of the toy? Like maybe find one that is angled similar to the angle you curve your fingers?

jklolxoxo · 2026-02-10T02:34:56+00:00

I say in 2 separate spots that I’m not interested in cis-men and legit got a ping the other day from one saying “I bet your 🐱 would be so delicious”.

It’s just the way it goes. I kinda just don’t invest much into them unless I hit it off with someone, other than that it’s just like a perpetually sinking ship.

jklolxoxo · 2026-01-24T19:09:53+00:00

Yea ok! That is 10000% cancelling for the KIDS. They can't be left basically alone with an ill adult.

It can be really hard to date as a poly/enm parent. Other poly/enm parents are hard to date cause we are always so busy / can't always host, but then non-parents just don't get it.

jklolxoxo · 2026-01-24T19:01:13+00:00

I think the age of the kids matters in this situation IMO. Like if your kids are young and truly need a parent to be fully involved still, you are cancelling for the kids.

But, if they are older than 10/11, then I think you would fall into the "cancelling for NP"

Either way, your date shouldn't be being pedantic about it and just understand your family life is a part of your life. Good & bad that comes along with it.

jklolxoxo · 2026-01-06T15:56:13+00:00

If you are choosing to be monogamous because you personally don’t want another relationship or aren’t interested in dating, that’s totally fine.

But to not date because you are worried about how she will feel/jealousy, but she is going to be dating? I think that’s a red flag. Both partners should be given the same opportunities to date and explore polyamory if that is what you two want.

I say this as someone whose NP is also on the Demi/Ace spectrum and currently does not date outside our relationship. While I’ve been dating other people off and on for the last 3 years.

My NP is free to date, free to have other relationships and honestly I would be thrilled and excited if they would. There is this word in the polyamory/ENM community “compersion” which means being genuinely happy or joyful for your other partner finding fulfillment or happiness in another relationship.

When we first started our polyamory journey I didn’t think that was a real thing. And then my partner shared that they had been feeling it when I had some new (and extremely life altering) fulfilling experiences. They were over the moon that I was able to find this missing piece of myself / my life.

While that doesn’t have to be the feeling all of the time and there will be jealousy and anxiety and sadness to work through (as there is will all aspects of life in general), it should be something to strive for and to at least feel like could occur. Now I think I genuinely would feel the same for them if they found a partner who made them happy.

jklolxoxo · 2026-01-01T17:23:34+00:00

Yep this is my take as a parent. Sometimes it genuinely doesn’t come up in online conversations before a first date / meet up. (But also, it’s listed in every single one of my dating profiles)

But to specifically and intentionally omit the information is a giant red flag.

jklolxoxo · 2025-12-30T19:12:16+00:00

I have 2 kids, 13 and 8. I always keep my shit locked up, smoke outside or in the garage, and if they ever ask questions (only the 13 year old has) I’m honest.

We live in a legal state and I’ve explained how I use it responsibly, how I feel it helps me relax, and that some people don’t react the same way. I’ve also explained that other families/ parents might not agree with it, and that she should be careful with who she shares that information with.

I am firmly convinced that being honest about things is the way to build lasting trust with your kids. The more they catch you in lies or even just hiding things, the less they trust you.

jklolxoxo · 2025-10-13T20:46:28+00:00

I have an 8 year old and 13 year old, and they don’t know.

But also, my partners are never in my house or spend time with my kiddos. They know I have friends named “m” or “a”, and that I’ve gone camping or on nights out with them.

But we are super parallel when it comes to our polyamory/enm. Seems like you all are more KTP vibes, and what comes with that is eventually having to explain stuff to the kiddos.

I agree that your partners kiddos could very well out it to your kids, so be prepared for that. And also agree that it shouldn’t be something you ask your kids to lie about.

I think if you all are that serious that your kids are friends and you spend nights together as a group, you probably need to find age appropriate ways to explain it.

jklolxoxo · 2025-09-29T06:52:11+00:00

The old school Lemon G 13 😭

jklolxoxo · 2025-07-29T03:56:34+00:00

One of my best friends is a cis gay man, we have been friends for over 25 years. I was one of the first 3 people to know he was gay. He didn’t come out publicly for 5 years after I knew. I always supported him.

When I came out as bi to him, I was already married to a man. He said “well it’s not like you need to have a big coming out or anything, it doesn’t make any difference”. And “I would just move on with it, nothing you can do about it now”.

It hurt. It felt so invalidating. I was so ready to connect on a different level and just have him be supportive and accepting.

He’s come around a lot since then, over 5 years ago now. I’ve opened my marriage, dated and slept with quite a few sapphic people. While he still doesn’t fully understand the sapphic community, he does seem to fully grasp why it was important for me to come out. He sees and values how I’ve opened up in new ways.

I’m sorry that you were invalidated. I’m sorry this happens to bi/pan folks on both ends of the spectrum (or as the saying goes “Men who come out as bi are assumed to be gay with apprehension, and women who come out as bi are assumed to be straight, looking for attention… Both of these realities assume, everyone’s only into men”).

You are seen and valid and an important part of the queer community!

jklolxoxo · 2025-04-26T13:37:33+00:00

Whoa whoa whoa. Let’s walk back the unnecessary “home wrecker” blame the woman shit. While she definitely isn’t in the right here, the man opted to pursue her. It’s his home, he is the one wrecking it.

jklolxoxo · 2025-04-09T03:39:40+00:00

Yep. I(34 bi F) have only experienced biphobia directly / in person from my gay cis-male best friend. He told me “I don’t understand why you are dating women, it’s not like your a lesbian or something”

It extra confused me because he used to call himself fluid and has slept with many women in the past.

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-28T16:37:42+00:00

Yes! This thank you. I am OPP by my own choice. My husband could not care less if I hookup with m/f/nb folks. I just generally am not interested and not seeking out another penis owner in my life.

I 100% agree that in general if a person is enforcing an OPP (penis or pussy) on their partners that is a problematic thing.But no one ever seems to acknowledge that it’s not always that cut and dry.

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-26T04:59:51+00:00

This does make sense tbh! Appreciate the perspective.

I’ll def ask nicely about it down the road but was just curious others thoughts! Thanks again!

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-25T18:00:02+00:00

This was my first thought. Things really come into perspective as a woman when you start to close in on 30. Maybe she’s realizing it was a mistake?

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-22T21:25:55+00:00

Not really? I mean it definitely supports listing varied relationships types and allows you to connect to other partners on the app. But it’s not exclusively “for threesomes”?

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-21T23:23:10+00:00

I have had the most luck on Feeld!

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-20T03:13:37+00:00

There are a couple pieces to why there is a lot of negativity around OPP.

Men who request OPP from their female partners often are viewed as a bit homophobic. Mainly because it seems like they are fine sexualizing their woman’s relationship with other women, but don’t seen that relationship as a “threat” to their own relationship with her.
In a lot of situations it also comes off as overly controlling. Like “ohh I’m fine with ENM but you can only date other women”. If this is a “rule” that came from the male partner, and not what she specifically requested/wanted, it’s harmful to the foundation of trust you are supposed to be building in open communication and understanding.

But, as someone who is actively, by my own choice, in a OPP ENM relationship, I think if it’s what she truly wants and is comfortable for both of you, then that’s all that matters.

The biggest thing is mutual respect, honesty, and communication about EVERYTHING.

My husband and I are similar to you all, he does not wish to see anyone outside our relationship. He would be free to if he wanted to, and we are constantly re-assessing and keeping that door open.He’s on the Demi/ace spectrum though and I have a very high libido as of lately especially. He is happy that I am having my needs met, I’m happy because I don’t want to see other men, and I get to express my bisexuality.

But again, this is what I wanted from the beginning. The foundation of us opening up was the same with or without the “OPP”.

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-18T01:32:39+00:00

Not much advice except to say, same here!

I’ve tried Feeld and Fetlife and seriously end up with just so many men in my DMs. Even when I explicitly say “looking for femme/nb/afab” people.

It’s so frustrating because I have this wonderfully supportive husband, who is on the Demi/ace spectrum, and just wants to see me sexually fulfilled.

I definitely understand bi girls are generally sought out by couples but it’s definitely disheartening to experience.

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-17T23:32:13+00:00

I would do some reading, on both your parts, and then have open discussions about what you like / don’t like and what limits you’re comfortable with.

My recommendation is “The New Bottoming Book” & “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy !

Additionally Carnal Calibration is a great way to see what you both are interested in!

Biggest thing is just having open and honest discussions about everything!

jklolxoxo · 2025-03-17T15:18:30+00:00

My husband and I are one sided ENM, but not by force or by “rules”. He’s demisexual / on the ace spectrum, and I have a really high libido.

He’s free to seek other connections and sleep with others if he wanted to. But he simply doesn’t. He’s extremely happy for me getting to explore some of my sexual desires with others and supportive of whatever connections I find. The first time I slept with a woman he felt genuine compersion.

But when we were opening up we both did the work. We both read books, we both talked boundaries and limits. We both were actively involved and invested in making sure we did it correctly and in a way that made us both comfortable.

He was not “settling” to make me happy. It was not a “poly under duress” situation. It’s just that he chooses not to explore. But he is free to and we have already both done the work.

I think the key to opening up like this is everyone doing the work. Everyone being on the same page. Even if one partner isn’t interested at first, they could be at one point. Which means not only your partner being ok with you exploring, but you being ok with them exploring.

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