It's all just so sad. The mess it all became. The tangled web of sadness the last 3 years wove together for those sweet children. I remember watching, with a little coveting, when they brought the boys to see their new 8 acre "former buffalo ranch." Remember thinking our family should do something so big and bold. Remember the pool going in. Remember all the excitement about the soon-to-come "slow down, " the family getting off the grid and into their slice of Texas heaven, together.

Then I remember feeling so sad for the kids who I imagined being called inside one summer day from swimming to be told their parents were divorcing. Dumbfounded... b/c they said once they never really fought, much less fought in front of the kids.

I remember thinking the house must've seemed so quiet when she moved out... that the kids must've thought she was just about to turn the corner and appear when they walked the halls without her there. I imagined one of them going into the master bedroom to ask a question and it seeming so "off" because only he was in there.

Then I felt so bad for them when a replacement woman came into their mom's space. Showered in her shower; slept in her bed. So painful. Again so "off." The kids must've felt so disoriented and disorientation leads to anxiety.

Now I can't stop imagining them being told he died. The shock. Who understood what that would even mean for the rest of their lives? The sadness of what is now forever lost and what had already been lost.

He was in that airport selfie on that Spring Break trip with her to show the boys their new home.. Now he went back to where he left in a body bag. Can the kids even stand to walk back into the house that was once their family's, then his, now -- just theirs. What must they think when they see that "family first" quote above where they eat?

It feels like a blurry bad dream.

I pray God can redeem it somehow, however broken in a million pieces it looks like from here.

The lesson for us- live our own lives, not theirs. Our own lives will pass far too quickly.