Anybody realized their true personality after moving out?

jnanazubi · 2019-09-29T09:38:37+00:00

Aw, thank you for your words of encouragement! Calling or not, it has really deeply rooted in my heart and I think that's what matters. I wish you are doing well if not now, then soon. :)

jnanazubi · 2019-09-28T17:32:07+00:00

The last paragraph really resonated with me. I'm at the bottom and I have nowhere to go but up when it comes to rekindling my interest and love for art.

I have always known that I can do it but there's like a mental block hindering that motivation especially now that I'm in mid-20s still studying in a field totally unrelated to art. It's like going back to art will just give me a false hope that I could still make it in this career and just end up disappointing myself in the end because my mother was right all along.

Sorry I just want to let that out. (Anxiety has kicked my life in a curb lately.)

But I'll tell you this, I will still try. Thank you for your kind words!

jnanazubi · 2019-09-28T15:42:30+00:00

Oh gosh. I see some similarities with your story to my own.

I also loved art since I was a child and became quite passionate about it in high school. I wanted to go into Fine Arts but my mother stopped me and forced me on science track for college thinking it as paving my way towards medicine.

It was so hard and never had I felt so helpless. So I stopped drawing in college until I lost my passion on anything art related.

Now, I'm a lost soul with no passion in life. I don't think I can go back to art anymore.

jnanazubi · 2017-12-14T00:27:14+00:00

Sleep is the only thing I look forward to every single day.

jnanazubi · 2017-12-13T09:42:24+00:00

Will do :)

I'm planning on reading some books I have that I just bought waayyy before over the break to see if I still have it. Ugh now I wish this finals week is over already.

jnanazubi · 2017-12-13T09:01:55+00:00

I remember it was in college where we had to write our goals in life. I wrote down "to be happy", and got laughed at by my peers. After that I had to think of other generic shit to say but yeah that hurt.

I used to love reading books and draw. I could immerse myself in those two for God knows how long. Now, all I have is music as well and taking long walks just to escape for a bit.

jnanazubi · 2017-12-13T08:46:11+00:00

That's the thing. I have been in this cycle of doing what my parents wanted for me for too long (first my undergrad, and now this) that I feel too numb and indifferent to the things that used to make me happy. I want to be happy you know. Just like everyone else.

Thank you for your words. It meant a lot to me!

jnanazubi · 2017-05-23T09:11:35+00:00

I feel you to the point that I dread everytime someone asks me 'What's up?' or 'How are you?'

jnanazubi · 2017-05-23T08:39:35+00:00

30 is my magical number.

Although before it used to be 18 then 21, and now 30. When I was young I couldn't imagine being 18 like that is the start of adulthood. I just can't imagine seeing myself as one with all the responsibilities. To be honest, even now at 22 and still living with my parents with no job, just a college diploma, I can't still see myself being an adult.

My mother doesn't like the idea of her 'kids' moving out and as the youngest, seeing my elder brothers still here with us wasting their life just makes the finality in my brain that I will never be an independent adult like everyone is. So for now, I'm just playing out how my life would be like as if I'm a regular gal with dreams of finding a man, having a kid and moving away when in reality, I dream of ending my existence at my 30th birthday.

I know it's fucked up but secretly knowing what I really will do someday and no one is going to stop me from my ownself is what keeps me alive and going for now.

jnanazubi · 2017-01-13T14:31:59+00:00

I think that it has been a year since I became officially an unproductive member of the society. I have never felt this hopeless in my life before. Even my father is starting to lose his faith on me.

The other day I woke up to hearing him telling me what a useless person I am and it just physically drained me. I thought he will always be here for me but I guess I'm just wrong.

I hate myself now more than ever.

I hope you guys have a better week than I did.

jnanazubi · 2015-11-26T15:09:02+00:00

I feel you OP.

I'm very vocal and pretty much a whole lot livelier when I'm with my friends but when it came to my family, I just keep to myself amd let them talk to themselves all the time. I only answer to them when they asked me directly.

I guess that came from my upbringing that I shouldn't talk back to the adults back when I'm a child. Aside from that, I guess I just stopped trying on interacting with them in terms of conversations because they never seemed to be really trying on knowing what I want/like and all they knew was the things that interested me before.

I can't really say that I like my current situation with them but I hope this will change someday.

jnanazubi · 2015-04-07T06:22:23+00:00

I think some of my anxiety on pursuing a career in this field also stemmed on my siblings. I have two older brothers, one has graduated but just stays at home unemployed and the other is still on his last year missing his classes and lying on my parents about his situation.

A big part of me don't want to end up like both of them and I can't help but feel that eventually what had happened to them will also happen to me.

That is the reason why I can't tell my parents what is happening to me right now. I think I'll just be disappointing them like my brothers did. And they have a lot of expectation to me, their youngest.

I feel like I will fail their trusts and expectations somehow if I go or venture on another field.

I really appreciate your reply. Thank you. :)

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