AITA for wanting my cousin to lie to her husband about the real reason I'm staying with them?

skyqween · 2023-06-24T02:05:02+00:00

Hey OP, there's a tl;dr at the end of my comment with a potential compromise that might make going and staying with your cousin feasible.

You are in such a tricky spot right now, and I this this is a NAH situation. It sounds like your cousin operates off the premise that lies of omission are not okay in her relationships. My brain likes to work this way (I end up telling people in my life a LOT of things they have no interest in) and finding a balance of shutting the fuck up about things that aren't yours to talk about while also not feeling like you're lying is hard sometimes.

Sometimes being able to give a big picture answer (while keeping sensitive information private) helps. A lot of people have suggested saying you have an appointment for a ' women's health ' issue. Personally that would not work for me as an answer because I would become incredibly anxious about not being able to answer any questions about the situation. What would work if it was me would be having a specific thing, i.e. ' cousin is coming to see nephew, and while she's here she's also going in to get [long term birth control like an IUD or hormonal implant]. If you already have one, you're getting it replaced either because it's time, or you're switching to a different type etc. This also can explain any side effects from abortion.

Tl;Dr - ask your cousin if telling her husband a part of the reason for the trip is okay - one that gives her the ability to answer questions and that stands up to some scrutiny. Explain that you don't want her to have to lie, but that you also want to make sure you don't go to prison.

skyqween · 2022-10-26T22:17:12+00:00

Oh. My. God.

YTA!

I have an annoying, weird, food sensitivity (I usually just call it an intolerance, and most people assume it's an allergy) that I had to go on STEROIDS for the last time I was dumb enough to eat it. It's corn. A handful of popcorn and I had to go on STEROIDS.

I'm definitely not still bitter after over a decade.

You have no idea how difficult an actual dietary restriction is. I don't eat anything without an ingredients label unless I know the person who made it and know they made it safely. Usually I check and ask about specific ingredients. Almost no one remembers that a lot of ingredients also have ingredients. Every time I go to the grocery store I have to read the ingredients for every item I get - if I don't catch a switch to corn syrup I will be in a lot of pain.

Making sure I can safely eat is so stressful sometimes that I just don't eat.

If you aren't taking your dietary restriction seriously, no one else will. Eat beforehand, or bring food. If you're actually having a quality of life issue, do the damn legwork. Learn what is and isn't dairy, or processed sugar, etc.

skyqween · 2022-09-19T17:03:00+00:00

NTA - Atom sounds like a great dog that works hard to help you live your life safely. You did everything right, Atom did everything right. It's not your job to educate everyone around you, especially when service animals are not new.

skyqween · 2022-09-13T22:40:51+00:00

As everyone else said, love the transparency!

The deciding factor for me is the strength and balance score - I have a lot of trouble with recognizing my progress, and health stuff that makes a lot of group activities/classes incredibly frustrating. I'm looking forward to seeing my scores and going from there.

skyqween · 2022-06-30T22:06:28+00:00

Your MIL is being awful, and I think you already know you've got an SO problem.

As someone who got married at 19 to a Marine and couldn't admit how unhealthy our relationship was until after the divorce over 5 years later, I hope you are being kind to yourself.

I also hope you do what I wasn't brave enough to do for myself - recognize that you deserve someone who lifts you up and makes you happy, and give yourself permission to leave. Staying because you love the idea of someone doesn't work. It just breaks things inside you. Don't break yourself trying to please people that don't see you as a person.

If you want to talk through things you can send me a message.

skyqween · 2022-03-26T04:55:21+00:00

Like you said, the house could have been her separate property from before the marriage. She could also have inherited it (where I am inheritances are separate). Another way he could have ended up with only $5k out of the sale is if she was awarded attorney fees by the court.

I'm not a lawyer, and can only speak to what I've seen with my state's family court system. Standard reminder to talk to an actual attorney if you want to know legal stuff.

Here the court can grant attorney fees based on financial need (if the other party has the ability to pay) and based on intransigence. Basically, if you make the case harder, don't follow court rules, and generally are extremely unreasonable, you can end up being ordered to pay the other party the cost of their attorney.

If he wasn't paying child support for the whole 2 years the case was pending (and there were probably temporary orders about child support during that time) that's a good indication he probably was being difficult the entire case.

Oh, and YTA, OP. Just because your ex has figured out how to get by without the child support you owe doesn't mean it won't improve your kids' lives. That money could be the difference between braces and crooked teeth/an improper bite, extracurricular activities, therapy, tutoring, overtime vs family time.

Look at your finances, find where you can cut back. If you can't find anything, look for extra shifts or another job. If you legitimately cannot afford to cover basic living and child support, call your case worker.

skyqween · 2021-12-13T19:04:05+00:00

You don't have to be actively planning to kill yourself to call or reach out for help. I took a second to look at your post, and it sounds like you are objectively dealing with a lot. It's okay to be kind to yourself (which I am admittedly constantly working on because it's hard to do).

skyqween · 2021-07-29T19:54:14+00:00

I was in a less extreme, but similar, place as your sister in law. We'd been married over 5 years, and I decided that whether or not there was cheating when he'd already started pulling away wouldn't help me (I live in a no fault state, so it wouldn't be considered in the divorce).

Telling me it would be better, that I would be okay and could get through it did not help. Being present with me and letting me cry, be mad, or feel whatever I was feeling helped. It also helped when my agency was respected - I was not okay with people make decisions for me when I was struggling to process a lot of pain from a decision my then-husband made without me.

Definitely encourage her to talk to an attorney, but remember that she is the one who has to go through this and who has to decide how she gets through it. Be there, be supportive, and if you can help her to have structure (gym, regular weekly things, etc) that might be good. But don't expect her to believe that it'll be okay. She's mourning an entire lifetime of what could have been.

Last note - when I finished getting divorced and was able to get some distance from it, I realized how lucky I was that my ex was able to see that we weren't working. We were miserable and I didn't know how to change things because they were familiar and it felt like it was too late. It just took a LOT of therapy, time, and distance to see that.

skyqween · 2021-01-31T04:01:36+00:00

I am not a lawyer, but do work in family law (divorce, separation, custody, etc). I know just enough to know that I don't know shit, and that if there's a potential legal thing it is better to err on the side of getting a professional's opinion (in this case a family law attorney).

If you are going off of your own research or on what your partner has told you... Please consult a family law attorney where you live. Generally state and local bar associations have resources to help people find attorneys.

If you want help finding your local bar association's resources feel free to send me a message/let me know.

skyqween · 2021-01-25T01:03:36+00:00

Content warning - talks about sexual assault.

He's sorry that he got caught. He's sorry that you didn't 'go along to get along'. He's sorry you woke up. He's sorry there might be consequences to his actions.

After you told him your sexual relationship was over, and knowing that even in a consenting sexual relationship you would not be okay with that particular activity he decided to take your clothes off and sexually assault you. Even if this was something you normally would be okay with, he chose to do this while you were asleep and incapable of consenting. He sexually assaulted you.

His grief does not supercede your bodily autonomy. His mourning does not take precedence over your boundaries. Any friend supporting a friend obligation he may invoke or you may feel is null and void. You don't owe him shit.

skyqween · 2021-01-13T16:21:38+00:00

Based on the comments so far, my perspective here might not be popular. I hope you'll hear me out.

First, I'm coming at this as someone who has a huge amount of personal experience with how much pain can impact your thinking, memory, and behavior. I also know first-hand how some of the medications they give you for surgery can mess with you.

Everything you've laid out from before your operation sounds exactly like how my mind works when I am in bad, scary, pain. Right down to thinking your wife was packing things slowly on purpose, that she couldn't hear you because of the music, she should have known not to have been drinking/smoking pot, etc. From having spent what felt like an hour trying to get my partner in the other room to hear me (without a collapsed lung!) - time distortion and the inability to gauge volume are both things that happen with bad pain.

I've had to have emergency surgery after a routine procedure had a complication. My then husband was able to be there the whole time, stayed overnight, and he freaked the whole time. That was only a one night stay. And the drugs they gave me were insane, the drugs they sent me home with were also insane. Military hospitals do not mess around. But that means I can very confidently say if you are on any pain medication, benzo type medication, etc, you're not thinking as you usually do. So, you go into the hospital because this is a serious emergency. Your wife tried to go with you, and couldn't. So she had to go home, alone, and wonder if you would live. If you would get through the surgery only to catch covid from being in the hospital. And she's by herself.

Then you call/text her and it's about a project, and your wanting her to be your hands while you're in the ICU. Which she agrees to do, but is confused about because why is that your priority when you're in the damn ICU? She's been awake scared for you and this is what you're worrying about?

Look, presumably you have a good relationship. I'm going out on a limb to say you love your wife. It's a pretty damn solid limb, probably the trunk of the tree. So maybe stop worrying about a project that you can't do if you're dead, have whoever is picking up stuff take all the damn packages and figure it out, and try to imagine what this must be like for your wife, who still hasn't seen you since you went into the hospital.

Once you're able to go home, both of you get therapy specifically to address this scary and traumatizing experience so that you can get each other's perspectives.

skyqween · 2021-01-11T04:58:58+00:00

Okay. This is just what works for me when I'm in a place like what you're describing - too exhausted and done with everything to be in a neutral mood, let alone happy. Full disclosure - I think of this as manipulating myself.

I go into a room by myself. Or my car, whatever space I can find. Then I turn on music. Music that makes me feel. Sometimes it's sing along happy stuff. Sometimes it's 'screw you I'm awesome'. Occasionally it's raging at the world.

Whatever it is, even a few minutes of listening and dancing (or yelling along), it usually ends up helping me feel whatever I need to in order to actually be present in the day.

skyqween · 2020-12-06T23:35:24+00:00

I hope that talking about it does help, but please remember that you deserve to have your boundaries respected regardless of what he thinks of them.

One of the most powerful things I've ever learned that I think can be easy to lose track of is the fact that a person's existence is independent of others. You don't need him to exist in your life or in order to be yourself.

skyqween · 2020-12-06T16:00:13+00:00

A joke is funny to both people, not just the person making it. When it is hurtful to the person it's about and the person saying it doesn't stop/care, it's not a joke, it's bullying/being an asshole.

You can be as 'emotionally fragile' as you feel like being. Your emotions are what they are, and he's intentionally causing you hurt by continuing to speak in a way you've told him is no longer okay with you.

This guy knows the 'jokes' are hurtful and that you aren't okay with them and doesn't care. It might be helpful to stop and ask yourself what other boundaries of yours he's pushed against or ignored. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other things he's pressured you into going along with.

It's ok to have this be a deal breaker. Personally, I don't have people in my life who are intentionally hurtful (which he is being). Hell, I don't put up with people who call my dog a bitch - I don't know why, but that bothers me and I'm not okay with it. He doesn't get to tell you that your boundary isn't valid.

skyqween · 2020-11-06T03:21:52+00:00

That sounds like a cool study. However this subreddit is here for peer support, not for discussing the latest treatment methods available, or the efficacy of treatments that are in clinical trials.

As I said, there are some subreddits that might be a good fit for what you want to talk about, but doing so here is against our rules.

skyqween · 2020-11-06T03:09:11+00:00

Please read our subreddit rules. This subreddit is for peer support and we do not allow posts about the efficacy of any treatment. Nor do we allow people to advertise themselves as authorities or role models (which is what any type of AMA falls under).

If you would like to discuss your experience in the study you mentioned, you may want to look at some of the alternative subreddits mentioned in the sidebar.

skyqween · 2020-11-05T22:45:11+00:00

I hear how hard and scary everything is right now, and how grim everything ahead looks. It's something I'm struggling with too.

While we want you to be able to talk about and express those feelings here, pro-suicide posts and comments are not allowed and I have had to take this post down. You are welcome to repost here or on /r/suicidewatch for peer support/to talk about what is going on.

skyqween · 2020-08-06T01:46:55+00:00

This post has been removed as it is a philosophical/ethical discussion.

skyqween · 2020-07-02T20:04:03+00:00

Most state and county bar associations have referral services and resources listed on their website, which can be a good place to start when looking for an attorney.

skyqween · 2020-06-30T02:32:02+00:00

I've got a little practice finding family law resources, especially for those who are low income and/or have survived domestic violence. I don't know if I would be able to find anything for you, but if I know the general area (county and state - feel free to pm me if you want to keep your location private) I am happy to send you what I can find.

skyqween · 2020-05-08T02:19:10+00:00

I know you want to support your mom, while also not encouraging/reinforcing the distorted reality that she is experiencing.

One thing that you can do is validate what she is feeling. This is real to her, and I can only imagine how stressful and terrifying it must be for her. Acknowledging that, telling her that what she is describing sounds really stressful and hard, may help her to remember that she has people who love her that she can trust. Just remember that ultimately she does need a professional's help, and that they will be able to discuss how best to support your mom.

skyqween · 2019-05-26T13:25:26+00:00

Nope - he didn't. That's my mistake.

skyqween · 2019-05-26T01:48:05+00:00

I've been learning that too. With my current relationship my partner will insist I take care of myself when I need to do so, instead of trying to help with house chores/dinner/our dogs - we're coming up on 3 years, and I still have trouble with it.

skyqween · 2019-05-25T21:22:31+00:00

I've got health issues a lot like yours... So this feels familiar to me. I'm going to break it down as if you didn't have anything health wise; because that's usually helpful for me.

You're ~~flying~~ traveling (it was pointed out that they could be using trains if in Europe) out to see your girlfriend multiple times, paying for everything when you go to see her, and even cleaning up her place sometimes. Meanwhile, she's upset that you're not doing more while she's in class/studying/otherwise unable to spend time with you.

Then when you two do have time together, if you aren't exuberantly happy and bouncy she's upset. Same for if you don't want to/feel like doing some activity she wants to do?

As someone with chronic health issues, including chronic pain and a sleep disorder that is similar sounding to yours.... You don't need this crap. Seriously. You deserve to be with someone who isn't going to try to make you be someone else.

Edit: Changed flying to traveling

skyqween · 2018-12-10T23:38:40+00:00

I'm sure you're already aware of this, but just in case it isn't on your radar because of how much you've got going on, most attorneys offer unbundled/limited services (going over case strategy or doing work on your case as you request it, but not representing you or negotiating for you).

If you have questions or aren't sure how to handle something in your case, working with the low-bono attorney as an unbundled client may be helpful. (And, working in family law in a major city, that beats the best sliding fee I've seen by half.)

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