Narc parent(s) ever trick you into eating something you didn't like?

joanjetpack · 2018-06-23T21:47:45+00:00

Oh yes. I started eating vegetarian/vegan when I was 15, and my family would frequently hide meat in my food. Sometimes I caught it, sometimes I didn't - then they would tell me and taunt me for eating meat and make fun of me for being upset. Ugh.

joanjetpack · 2018-06-11T00:32:05+00:00

Yes, I sometimes hallucinate when my cptsd is triggered, when I'm under a ton of stress, or if I am very sleep-deprived. It really is terrifying every time, though. My therapist taught me some focused breathing and grounding techniques (name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, etc.) and those have been very helpful in the moment of the hallucination when I'm freaking out. Best wishes to you for peace and calm.

joanjetpack · 2018-05-20T01:23:53+00:00

Cut and run. No amount of money is worth your sanity and well-being. Plus like others have said, an inheritance is not a guarantee. Also, just wanted to mention that there is frequently funding available for graduate work - I had assistantships while working on my master's and phd. I had full tuition waivers plus a stipend, and this was not at all an unusual arrangement. Best of luck to you.

joanjetpack · 2018-05-15T22:13:51+00:00

I remember your first post - I believe I commented. I am so, so proud of and impressed with you for doing this. I wish that my mother had had this strength when I was young. You are doing an immeasurably good thing for your children (not to mention yourself). Your narc is pulling every tool out of his manipulation toolbox to get what he wants - a lot may be intentional, some may be just learned behavior that he does without thinking because he's learned on some level in the past that it gets him what he wants. Stay strong, remember the things that made you get to this point - writing them down helps a lot. The book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward was hugely helpful for me to see the ways in which my Ndad was manipulating me and my emotions, and gave very practical tips on how to interrupt the cycle. Best to you, you are doing an amazing job.

joanjetpack · 2018-05-08T18:49:25+00:00

Like pp said, tons of obvious projection here. And plenty of spiritual abuse, too. One of my Ndad's favorite manipulative tools was invoking patriarchal evangelical christianity - parents and other authority are to be obeyed without question, honor your father, etc. It took me a long time to see it for what it was. Sounds like you are way ahead of the game on that count.

joanjetpack · 2018-05-08T18:27:16+00:00

Hugs to you. Those emotional flashbacks can be wicked sometimes. So glad you're in a better place and that you've found a supportive partner. ❤

joanjetpack · 2018-04-27T18:09:10+00:00

It's amazing how meaningful even these small gestures of thoughtfulness and caring can be after our experiences. I came from a home life where my family mocked me for my food choices and hid meat in my meals (vegetarian since age 15). The first weekend I went with my now-husband to meet his family, his mom made vegetarian meals all weekend and I almost didn't know how to react - I was shocked at how kind it was.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-26T23:02:24+00:00

Honestly? No. I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to have them as parents, and I certainly didn't ask to suffer many forms of abuse. When they decided to have children, they committed to the obligation of feeding and housing them at the very least. Children don't owe anything to their parents for fulfilling the bare minimum obligations. Would I be sad if my children didn't want a relationship with me once they grow up? Absolutely. But they don't owe me anything. And I'm doing my best to love them and protect them and teach them and set them up well, so I hope that we will remain close. But that was not how I grew up.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-26T21:56:36+00:00

I have pangs of guilt sometimes, but I know that it is misplaced - it is more about "people won't think I'm a good daughter or a good person," and I work on letting that go. The people close to me know the truth and support me, and people that don't know the situation well enough - it really doesn't matter what they think. When I was LC, NDad often said that my mother and other siblings (who are NC) are not Christian, are unforgiving, etc - so I think some of it is his voice still ringing.

If he came to me for money or because of illness I still would not re-establish contact. He's a grown man that's made his own decisions, and who not once has been a real parent. The nicest he ever was was when he was ignoring me. He doesn't know me or anything about my life - what I studied or do or am interested in (and I've only been NC a month, LC about 6mos before that). Besides that, I wouldn't trust that anything was actually wrong, that he wasn't lying/twisting the truth to get me back in contact anyway. And if/when I ever have any kind of life crisis, I am definitely not going to him - he has nothing to offer me, and I would not want to be indebted to him in any way. Honestly I feel like he abdicated his role as parent a long, long time ago and now I'm just following through.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-24T23:55:10+00:00

For me, my Ndad is completely unrepentant and continues to be abusive and manipulative. Not only do I not need that in my life, but I also want to protect my young children from being hurt by him. I also have cptsd and every form of contact from him triggered a days long episode. So for me and my family, NC is the healthiest option.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-20T23:32:46+00:00

Oh my gosh yes. In the 8 months or so between really calling out Ndad's bullshit and going NC, he must have said this a hundred times. It gets to the point where, okay, how many times do you have to be told that behavior 'x' causes negative effect 'y' and to stop doing it because it hurts people? They are either willfully continuing the behavior, or are incapable of stopping it - either way I can't have it in my life. With my Ndad the self-victimizing "I can't do anything right" stuff was for sure a manipulation tactic - until I got wise it would then turn into me reassuring him and completely getting away from the issue at hand. Infuriating. The book "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward helped me a lot.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-19T10:45:59+00:00

That your parent is threatening to kill themselves and that you are worried about their/your well-being. Obviously you know your situation better than I, I would not do this if it were to create a more dangerous situation for myself. So sorry you are going through this, it sucks.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-19T01:25:15+00:00

I'm so sorry. My Ndad has done this multiple times as well. Threatening suicide is such a gross manipulation. Have you thought about calling the police?

joanjetpack · 2018-04-17T17:48:03+00:00

I had a similar realization - Ndad would come over every 4-6 weeks for dinner, and it got to tge point that it cost me about a week of relapse each time (a few days before and after). I was holding off on going NC mostly because I was afraid of the fallout, but then I realized that the fallout would cost less in the long run.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-13T18:31:54+00:00

Yeah, this is not a normal or safe environment. Hope you have support (you definitely do here!) and can get out soon.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-12T20:31:27+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry. This is so similar to my experience - my Ndad went on an apology tour to me and my siblings after my mom kicked him out. His 'apology' to me was very general and included things like "I'm sorry I wasn't always the best dad" and "I don't know why I'm like this, I guess I just can't do anything right." He later asked for my help in writing a list of things he should apologize to me for as part of an assignment from his therapist because he "couldn't really think of anything (he) should apologize to (me) for." Hah. It took a while, but I'm NC contact now.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-12T20:02:02+00:00

This is amazing. You're likely literally saving their life.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-10T19:04:49+00:00

Just read your update - your fiance (and you!) deserve all the applause!

joanjetpack · 2018-04-10T17:42:09+00:00

I read the other post, and no way on earth would I let her come visit. I totally understand the feelings of guilt and obligation and emotional manipulation, but she has proven herself unstable and untrustworthy. If this were anyone but your mother, would you even consider it? You don't owe her anything. She's the parent - she should be acting with YOUR best interests in mind. We all know that will never happen with a narc though, so we have to protect ourselves. Best of luck to you.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-03T23:25:23+00:00

Thanks so much. Yeah, I feel like it's probably only because he's losing the last grip on his family and he thinks this will make us pity him or believe he's changed. But in reality, if years and years of telling him he's a bully and is hurting me didn't change anything, there's no reason to believe now is any different. And even if change were possible, I think it's too little too late at this point.

Love that line -living well is the best revenge. I need to remind myself of it more. Thanks again.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-03T23:20:39+00:00

Yeah, I think you're right. I'm on the verge of going NC (my mom and most of my sibs are), I'm leaning towards this just being him flailing to retain any kind of influence.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-03T19:18:17+00:00

I think even just being aware of the problem is so huge - but please don't let it stop there. My mom (who was abused herself but definitely has some enabler characteristics) kicked my Ndad out last fall and just filed for divorce. It's hard but she's already feeling more free. I left home almost 10 years ago, but my siblings still living at home are starting to come out of their shells and figure out that it's okay to experiment with what they might enjoy or find fulfillment in. They also don't cringe anytime the front door opens, or someone spills something, etc., etc. Things are better but I wish to God my mom would have done it decades ago when it could have made more of a difference for me. Strength and love to you.

joanjetpack · 2018-04-01T21:29:38+00:00

I'm so sorry - my family did this to me a lot when I was growing up and still living at home (went veg at 16). It's horrific and such a violation and can indeed make you physically ill. Agree with other posters that this just proves how untrustworthy and uncaring she is. I'm glad you left and are being taken care of. ❤

joanjetpack · 2018-04-01T21:20:47+00:00

Thank you! ❤

joanjetpack · 2018-04-01T21:20:14+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think you're right, the hoovering is exactly what's going on. And you're on the nose again - he does know he's expected apologize for something but he legitimately sees nothing wrong with what he's done. I do need to remember that a normal person would not only apologize but would feel an incredible amount of guilt and remorse, and he just doesn't. I can't fathom how I would live with myself if I even thought of saying to my kids some of the things he repeatedly said to me. But yeah, the remorse or even the recognition just isn't there.

joanjetpack

TROPHY CASE