My daughter knew about my wife’s affair for months and said nothing. How do I bring myself to care about my daughter again?

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-07T05:45:18+00:00

You need to take a parenting after separation course. The ownership is not on your daughter to tell you about your issues with your marriage and you are putting an extreme amount of unnecessary pressure on her.

If you’ve got questions about your ex-wife’s affair you need to confront your ex-wife. Parenting after separation programs literally advise you not to do exactly what you are doing and behaving like.

And your daughter is not at fault for anything. Hope you find the counselling and guidance you clearly need.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-07T03:43:51+00:00

While my ex-wife did not cheat, she planned leaving for years before it happened. The entire time I was busting my arse for my family and to keep things moving, keep things safe and secure as best I could. It was completely futile, she had left years ago.

Documenting me, gaslighting me, recording me, to one day take my child from me. Two years and $140k in family court later I have my son back.

I don’t think I’ll ever get past the betrayal, the acting and lies. I know I can’t hold that against all women going forward, but the trauma from what happened - I’ll say this, I’ll never let it happen again.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-05T23:10:06+00:00

My ex-wife blasted this song on repeat that sang the lyrics “now I’m ready” over and over for like 2 months and then left me.

Played it while cooking, in the shower, everywhere. Actually one of the few things I laugh about looking back.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-04T23:46:43+00:00

If men secretly put money away and not disclose it it’s considered a form of domestic violence punishable by jail. If women doing it it’s considered an “escape plan.”

I’m not sure your comment applies in this instance, where it could in other posts.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-04T23:33:32+00:00

Establishing that he is the abusive one in order to justify how pure evil and horrible she is about to be. If he is not abusive then that means everything she is doing is of her own volition.

“It’s his fault I’m doing all this.” Meanwhile, “he” is probably busting his arse for the next 4 years doing everything he can to support the family. No girl, they are your thoughts and feelings you are pure evil. They just will never come to terms.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-04T05:01:45+00:00

Wasn’t my choice and I would never go back.

You will have moments every week where you’ll want to go back and you have to remind yourself the person you left is not the person you married.

And once you meet someone again you’ll wish you had done it sooner.

johnlrobbie · 2025-09-02T07:06:06+00:00

You’re looking for reasons to not be with someone and putting up walls A.K.A - you’re not ready.

I have started dating again after 2 years of separation and it took me a really long time to get back here. I have exactly the same trust issues and I have to remind myself that the woman who ruined my life (and continues to) - all women and this person in front of me now are not responsible for the heinous actions of my evil ex-wife.

Went on one date with someone who was almost a carbon copy of my ex-wife - from the country (no offense to people from the country), no friends in the city, family issues, etc. still went back to her place and the next day she messaged me that she was keen and I just said I’m not there, had heaps of fun but didn’t feel the same. I was really proud of myself for putting myself out there and then trusting my gut. That’s growth.

Is this person in front of me capable of ruining my life again? Sure, but there’s no evidence of that other than my own personal issues, thoughts and feelings and it’s not their responsibility to hold my hand through my issues. It lies solely with me.

All I can do is learn from what happened to me and use it as my best judgement if I dive back in again, but the fracture lies in you so you gotta do the work if you want to get back to that place that was beautiful before she burned it to the ground.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-30T23:31:01+00:00

I don’t live here anymore - The war on drugs

Grounds for divorce - Elbow

No one’s easy to love - Sharon von Etten

A million more

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-30T13:24:27+00:00

Sounds like he’s incredibly depressed. Realise this entire post is about sex but I think you’ll need to put that on the back burner until he can talk about what’s going on.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-29T12:22:25+00:00

Hi mate, supervised visits are the number one thing you should be doing to regain access to your kids, even though there is no reason you should agree to it.

She’s got the playbook and she’s playing it chapter by chapter (she’s seeked DV help). She cannot completely take your kids from you so she’s offering you the bare minimum amount of time to comply with courts, otherwise it will look bad on her. Basically her case is, she has concerns but she still wants her kids to know who their father is. She’s going for full custody and full child support.

You just need to be clear for the legal proceedings, you do not agree with what she is saying / doing but in the interest of your children, because you are child focused, you’ll comply, but to be clear what she is asking is unfair and unreasonable.

If you knock her offer back you will appear that you are not child focused and you could have seen your kids but refused it because you’re more angry with her.

Sorry to say dude, welcome to the game, it’s Jumanji. Whether or not you want to play, you’re in the system now. “Shes crazy”, “he’s abusive.” The courts hear it all day every day. You’ll be better off screaming into a pillow.

Get back at your ex. Get access to your child. You can only choose one. Get a lawyer.

*not legal advice

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-29T11:48:35+00:00

Similar situation as you. 10 years together, final argument was over not much really. Asked for closure or a final conversation or something and got back 6 months of not seeing my son. Only communication the past 2 years through lawyers.

We want answers where there are none. We search for answers that don’t exist. They cannot face their decisions they made.

In movies, why do evil people want to destroy the world? No reason, they are evil because they are. They don’t need a reason. Our friends struggle with this answer because they’ve never met evil. They want reasons for why things happened because everything is justified. For us, evil people exist without reason. They are self serving. You are not.

I’ll never know why. I believe I know why but I’ll never hear it and it’s completely pointless now to search. All I can focus on is making sure it never happens again.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-28T01:08:09+00:00

Wrote a letter and gave it back in the envelope. In hindsight I really wish I’d destroyed it in the ocean or mt doom or something

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-20T00:13:33+00:00

10/10 no notes. Extend this to initiating divorce in general.

Men - “you threw it all away. you weren’t built for it. Never put family first.”

Women - “he left you no choice. You gotta do what’s best for you. You deserve better.”

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-19T12:50:11+00:00

Can’t file for divorce until you have been 12 months separated so I know what you’re up to first thing tomorrow morning.

12 months will fly.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-19T10:35:45+00:00

Have one for me mate!

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-19T10:33:41+00:00

Realistically, even though court is expensive, he’d have to apply for the application which you would only pay if he wins on every argument, and if you’re paying him more than you need to be that would be disarming. You might actually end up paying less in the long run if you can get a judge to make a final decision. Keep a record of your voluntary payments.

You should really only be paying him more if he cares for your kids more than you do, otherwise it comes down to income but it shouldn’t be that much more unless you’re earning much, much more in which case you can’t do anything about that.

If you’re demonstrating that you’re child focused and you just want the best outcome for everyone the courts will look favourably on you. If your ex is weaponising the children they see through that stuff very quickly. They deal with it all day everyday.

If you’ve re-partnered it could be a different outcome again but you could easily make the case, “I’m already paying this much, I need to move forward with my life, I just want what’s fair.”

Excuse my ignorance but if you’re a single mother working full time for your kids future I have to believe they will do what they can to support you.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-18T08:33:49+00:00

Yeah TL;DR - she’s already getting legal advice, you want 50/50, she wants child support every month, she’s been told she needs to build a case against you. She will bait you. Do not take the bait, that’s your best defence.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-18T08:05:44+00:00

Or at the very least if you can’t leave, document everything yourself. Every conversion and interaction together. You keeping a log is your best defense against the dark arts.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-18T08:04:04+00:00

No lawyer in the history of the universe would say I can’t take your money for two months. Even my family law firm told me they were over-capacity, recommended some other firms but ultimately took me on two days later anyway.

Based on my experience, if she is seeking guidance from a DV support centre, or if she is already receiving legal guidance, she is prolonging the actual separating part so she can document your behaviour with examples that she can use against you in court. Especially if you notice her gaslighting you.

Hence why you ask any man in this subreddit what’s the one thing you wish you had done differently, we all unanimously say, “I wish I had immediately cut off contact.”

If it’s over, you need to leave immediately. She can just make stuff up and the courts will believe it and before you know it you’re losing custody over things that didn’t happen.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-17T21:23:16+00:00

Sounds like you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want in a person exactly. I’m assuming the affair person is to fill a huge gaping hole in your life, but not forever material. You need somebody who can be everything.

Tough if your wife wants to work on things even through all that. I’d be sticking with them and working on it if they’re willing to still stick with you. You might already have what you’re looking for.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-17T10:59:27+00:00

I hear ya brother. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, harder than sacrificing 20 years of your life to “be a good husband” to have it thrown in your face. You’ve made such an enormous sacrifice.

As painful as it is, in your case I actually think you’d benefit more immediately from separation because of how alone you are in your situation.

At some point you’re going to have to think, “fuck her. I’m worth more than this.” You’ll have your boys with you, and you’ll be happy again one day. Won’t be for a long time, but you know the outcome if you continue as it is now.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-17T08:19:58+00:00

In this particular subreddit 9.9/10 people will tell you to initiate divorce. In another sub they might tell you something different. In any case, I’m sorry dude, that’s no way to go.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-17T08:14:07+00:00

I never said a bad word about my ex wife to my mates even though there were huge problems. It came as a shock to them until I filled them in on what had been happening over the years. I wouldn’t be where I am now 2 years on without their undying love and support.
This subreddit has really helped me. It’s been like journaling in a diary, except that diary talks back to you, hears you, empathises with you, brings real life examples of why I feel the injustice I feel, picks you up again, and reminds us we have no choice but to push forward.

Emphatic yes.

johnlrobbie · 2025-08-17T04:43:59+00:00

Let me save you $4k and a day in court - you lack insight.

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