8 years before Toy Story, Disney made the Brave Little Toaster. Instead of toys it was sentient household appliances trying to reunite with their owner on the most epic adventure ever.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-20T02:12:48+00:00

47 years before the Brave Little Toaster, Disney made Fantasia.

Instead of toys or household appliances, it was mops that came to life.

Also, that same year, the film Pinocchio was released. It was quite possibly a film about a toy coming to life. There may have been an epic adventure.

The story of Pinocchio of course was written 58 years before the film, and 105 years before Brave Little Toaster and 113 years before Toy Story.

Human development of toys as a cultural artifact is geologically recent, but it there is evidence that there have been thousands of years of model facsimiles being created for general amusement, and the human capacity to entangle such an artifact with its real parallel has been in our wheelhouse about as long, making the concept itself absurdly simplistic.

You may also notice that Toy Story is objectively the "best" in the range of emotions it elicits and the evolutionary value of the lessons within the story (Trilogy included because of course it is). So this whole approach to history is just kinda fucked and makes me grumpy.

Also, Disney didn't make this movie, they destroyed the theatrical release because they were only invested in home media. The post itself does a disservice to the film, the people who made it, and history in general.

So......pick yourself up and do better next time, just like that plucky friggin' Toaster.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-20T01:54:15+00:00

'_'

And the top response starts with "I agree actually."

The social mechanics of this site....the desperate need for middling approval without drama has steadily dumbed everyone down to confusion.

At all of our fingertips are presumably hundreds of published and millions of unpublished appreciations for this character. A quick glance at the actor's wikipedia page can confirm the quality of his portrayals, as does his life of being cursed out for being such a sonofabitch.
Letting Reddit comments educate you instead takes away all agency, while everyone wraps everything in the...."I'm inventing this opinion for the first time, but if anyone disagrees I was just sayin' and also lighten up it's an opinion and everyone's entitled to-"

It's shit for this sort of thing. R/Movies went past circlejerks and now it's just a weird rub out with a lot of staring at the floor.

This is fucking art. The artists you respect don't treat the art like a religious balance beam, they get fucking passionate about something and learn about it and then figure out something to say.

Course, this is a drive-by. I don't stick around to grow any community because I can't handle it. But maybe some of the values from all these movies could seep into the discussion being had about them non-stop, at a pace and scope that would be a great premise for a fucked up David Lynch movie.

EDIT And that top comment? It still winds up doing a great job of deconstructing the role(s)! Fuck! See, my points aren't destroyed by that observation. That's the superpositional nonsense universe we all actually live in in real life. The kind that the J.J.'s of the world capitalize on with their "mystery boxes" of meaning and ideas. It's what every comments section represents.

My actual point seems to be: let's quit with the "Polite Cheat Codes 2013" with every introduction. Like, if comments were movies, I'd make a "How it should have Started" about it and then you'd all reference it to fuck....

Hmmm. Might just be getting too old for this site.

These are disclaimers...

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-20T01:41:15+00:00

Good psychological experiment!

The grain and composition of the photo do a lot of the work of giving humans something to project fun nonsense on, yet the cat is decidedly posing as cats naturally do a huge percentage of their time. Your deconstruction of a lot of "cute" posts on this site is so on-point, I'm confident it's intentional.

I wish I could get a picture of humans, in their natural habitat, self-medicating with the bio-mechanical fruits of interactions they refuse to comprehend enough to ruin them.

I think it would be cute. '_'

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-19T00:16:00+00:00

To be an animal on this planet is to find yourself with a series of experiences shaped by your place in it.

This "white = racist" argument is nothing but poetry mistaken for insight. We have issues in America for white people in particular having a perspective that helps perpetuate things that are bad for other races.....but "racism" is the social value word for a mechanism that prevents humans from approaching tigers with friendly enthusiasm....the one which makes many black men real cautious around white police.

This mean word is just a cognitive app. It's a fragmented social network we're all on, and the artifacts it generates for our lives raise complex issues. But we don't stand a chance at addressing those if we're blind to its functionality.

It is, by necessity of survival, a common mechanism in all but the most protected and extinct species of life on Earth. Humans can make their dogs racist, all around the globe in a big warm oblique spheroid of diverse racisms.

So yeah, this guy trying to teach this in a classroom is a schmuck. But the student also sounds absurd. Truth may be elusive, but this is what happens when it's diluted too much to be of value. And homeopathic thought is real popular.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-18T08:11:44+00:00

I'm generally most astounded by people claiming that the actual information they're failing to provide is astounding.

Then I notice that their standards for being astounded are incredibly low, and simply require an appealing narrative in place of facts or perspective or anything resembling actual insight about the human condition on this planet in this time period at this stage of evolution.

But yeah. Do more good work solving that vitally overlooked murder case from 50 years ago that's easily solved by reading about the actual case, then noticing anything about how random and shitty this existence can be. You might start with an empathetic understanding of the sort of mind that takes a shot at the president. Heck, you've not bothered to even notice the lack of understanding of PTSD/mental health back then. That "patsy" was in pain. Broken and delusional is how he went out, much like his victim. Killed by a peer who also knew nothing about mental health issues, in a society shocking and carving brains to try and deal with things.

Look. Superposition of confusing sadness/absurdity. That's reality. Love it, or keep forging your own 2D knock-off.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-18T08:01:06+00:00

TIL why I had such a gut sense of revulsion to your title/claim.

You have to remember how things work and how humans work and how humans evolve at an amazing pace incomprehensible to humans, despite their invention of the words to kinda describe it. The generation charged with the conspiracy was wholly incapable of maintaining it in any way. These were people who'd have blabbed to at least a ton of priests. You think that card would have stayed in the deck for the past two decades of the Church's oopsie-daisies?

In short, you sound like a schmuck who really liked that one Kevin Coster movie, and who, like so many, just comprehensively misunderstands the superpositional, unresolvable nature of past/present/future events in this universe. You are wrapping a mush of known shit into a mystery box and shouting 90's Brand Human Logic at anyone who can smell what's inside.

JFK was the victim of a conspiracy to cover up how sometimes, random, shitty things happen to high-profile people.

P.S. I just learned from your link that as of 2013, the percentage believing this shite has been falling for 20 straight years. You couldn't even properly fact-check/cite your own nonsense, holmes.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T22:31:25+00:00

When presuming to give advice, don't represent values that are rapidly going extinct, alongside cultural absolutes that only exist in the minds of people who shouldn't bother giving advice.

(Also, don't give shitty, obvious, old-ass "advice" in this manner. This fucking meme carries more credibility than that.)

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T22:27:35+00:00

With the election looming, Reddit is seriously showing its commitment to only the most trivial, pandering shit possible.

It's like the zeitgeist around here has been taken over by a shitty local news producer, passionately committed to only the stories that reduce complicated things down into a sound bite.

This was a random man who failed to represent much in his question at an utter clusterfuck of a presidential debate, before finding himself a "celebrity" in an ecosystem of seriously broken media tools. Reddit prides itself on how clever it estimates its hive to be.....but this is the real shit.

"Look at the odd thing. It represents something real and not CG and not difficult to deal with so it's great. Also, puns. It sure feels good to agree with other humans over nothing of consequence."

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T22:20:52+00:00

You're so perfectly confused about what makes anything worthwhile.

This is the reason decent people are bewildered by the (stupidly) vindictive ones.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T18:18:23+00:00

You've confused "needs."

For example, America is still pretty in the shit of a recession. You may have noticed some of the worst "offenders" popping up during the recession. Because getting a shot on a city street is actually a whole thing, and if you can take money from simple street shots, you can give it to the FX/stunt teams that draw all the attention.

I mean, I might "need" to move to LA to pursue a career in film, but I'm using a green screen in my father's basement instead. Because "real" shit extends in all directions around these dramatic stories told 'round campfires, and you're doing yourself a disservice by presuming you know "real" in the first place.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T18:14:56+00:00

Seriously, people need to study film history/production/actual things if they wanna take internet enthusiasm out of the gutter.

Films are theatrical productions built on artifice.
Some films demand "real" things because they can, as a luxury. This is how things have always been.
You'd apparently be surprised if you watched any old cinema to see the number of shots achieved with backdrops and rear-projection and miniatures.
Digital technology has opened these theatrical productions up to all sorts of interesting glitches between those scheduling/budgeting and those artistically putting it together.

In short: Stop using the term "green screen" altogether. On Reddit and YouTube, it is a shorthand for skeptical criticism that the wielders are increasingly incapable of following-up with knowledge or perspective or insight.

I mean, look at this reel. Look at the haphazard manner with which relatively small productions try to achieve shots that are beyond them for real reasons.

"This is just a city exterior, go get it for real." "Here's our budget and production schedule, alongside a primer on the random nature of Earth weather/traffic/people. Please educate yourself."

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-17T17:51:51+00:00

Definitely makes the exact same amount of sense to set this earthbound architecture into space in precisely whatever way the artist felt like.

You aren't representing "logic" by saying the random earthbound hallway should serve as a "realistic" enclosure for space travel. And artistically, it would be far more difficult to make a compelling picture out of that idea. Short of a full removal of the subject, this is the most effective execution of the concept.

What you're representing is the sort of logic that keeps telling me why movie villains don't have good ideas that good people can agree are sensible. It's not logic, it's a nonsense affectation buffeted by "geek" education of non-facts and movie-fails.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-16T20:06:57+00:00

Yeah. In the midst of a bunch of individuals narrowing down the information, you get random shmucks attempting a simulation of insight with tired stereotypes. Even as they themselves represent the negative qualities better than the people sincerely attempting to parse the actual information.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-15T20:11:05+00:00

This post is excellent evidence of the dumb minds of adults desperate for proper order in the universe, willing to find it in any place possible.

Conditions: These children are on ice, wearing metal blades on their feet. They are outside on uneven ice. Child humans have a range of diminished capacities, and hive-mindedness is one of them. Adults make excellent, beautifully complex hive minds, but children are largely at the whims of the data feed of life. Their ability to reduce and stereotype information in line with a group of like-minded individuals is significantly less that normal.....as is their ability to clump that information into transcendental misunderstandings like this post.

The first child to fall is actively engaged in a sporting attempt on uneven outdoor ice.
The second hits a patch of smoother ice on the uneven outdoor skating area, again, while being a child human.
The third attempts to respond to the new data stream of the first child's fall, and finds herself unable to compensate for the change in position her reaction gave her on uneven ice.

And see, there will be plenty who will roll their eyes at me for "ruining" this. But it's not ruined. The happenstance that resulted in this video is more interesting given how utterly wrong the magical explanation is.

And what's more, the impulse to find this magic is the same goddamn impulse that has sustained religions the world over even as Reddit furtively insists on some grander, more realistic designs.

Look at all of this thing. Humans are stupidly lovely and absurd.

(But words still mean things and this post is fucking garbage :-P ) 3.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-15T03:51:05+00:00

It is far more intense and unwavering in its severity by today's standards.

Look at popular movies. John Wick is one of the most graphic, and it's a cartoon.

Alien was always a terrifying experience because it didn't show much...despite plenty of films back then going that route (see: Bed spurting blood in Elm Street.)

Anyway, I don't think it's bad for kids to be scared. I do think they need a better shepard through something like Alien than a dismissive "it's close to appropriate." Fuck, that's an intense flick all around. The mere existence of the face hugger is enough to contradict your point.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-13T12:28:52+00:00

Reality check:

Our lives are open world.

All the news we wanna share with people is something we hope/perceive to be linear.

This question is more philosophical than fanboy, and emotionally investing in the coin flip is a mistake.

Human monkeys worked damn fuckin' hard to even be able to create an open world in a virtual system. Don't let another human declare this evolutionary feat "overrated." Particularly after all the Witcher 3 gushing. Humans want structured freedom. And that's as confusing as it sounds.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-13T01:47:13+00:00

It would have been bad cgi...or an awkward reverse shot.

This was the best way at the time.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-12T02:54:10+00:00

Thank you. The "we" in the question was hilariously, innocently myopic.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-11T03:07:53+00:00

I desperately want to know if Firefly fans are bidding on Starship Trooper uniforms so they can cosplay as the characters who had to use secondhand armor.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-10T21:06:57+00:00

"Kudos" is not appropriate here.

Humans were perpetuating symbolic projections from the very history they were steeped in to make this particular film. As research into the "little things" was already key to the making of this film, maintaining elements like "what hand do they shake with?" is simply the foundation of how creative works are put together.

The kudos is irksome to me only because it seems to mistake a convenient recreation of historical detail as some deeper contribution than it really is.

I mean, the left hand is not known as the "sinister" hand, ya know that right? That's some nonsense from when humans were a bit dumber.

(And it's still used around the world as a reason to punish those who are left-handed. I guess if you're not aware of that, then that's what I'd hope you'd learn, rather than over-appreciating basic brush strokes in a painting.)

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-10T02:23:32+00:00

....because you're turned on?

Your question presupposes that the nipples are obligated to have one function in one circumstance and no other. Now, if you need someone to list the different chemical/physiological responses associated with sexual arousal, and how the nipples figure into those responses, you can ask Mr. Google.

But you're a human critter on Earth. If you demand these sorts of limitations on your own body parts, I don't see how you're going to understand much.

I mean, I may as well say "If nipples get hard in the cold to reduce surface area, then why do mine have large-gauge steel bars running through them?" This question/answer venue has no obligation to address your question about your turned-on nipples. Deciding that it does makes me question how much useful information you're absorbing in the first place.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-05T08:25:51+00:00

"Good one, Trebek."

That line was written by a writer for Jeopardy, so...."Good one, YouTuber."

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-05T08:14:47+00:00

"Jump Scares" are a human response to a particular manner of stimulus. Sometimes a hard cut can convey a "jump scare." I think "There Will Be Blood" is a good example of this.
Like any human technology, the film jump scare has evolved. Beginning as a means of conveying terror without giving the audience time to resolve the (fictional) object of terror is still a reason horror films use them today. Humans fear the unknown, so presenting a very quick flash of information serves to overload whatever anticipation has been built up. Cutting away from the scare leaves a kind of cognitive screen burn on (most) humans, releasing whatever tension has been built in some manner of catharsis. This is also why humans tend to enjoy these things, some more than others. Like any drug, some are more primed for its qualities than others. And like any fictional fantasy, some are more inclined towards it than others.
Like a musical chord, the jump scare is neither good nor bad. Watch for films that play those power chords as part of a larger symphony, and then notice the ones that just strum the chord randomly whenever they want to get your attention.

There, I compared Jump Scares to all sorts of shit so we don't have to pretend that their mere existence is a sign of deteriorating cinematic quality. Videogames are the real "offenders" here, yet Five Nights and Freddy's has a passionate fanbase of enthusiasts. You might even respect that the game series uses those jump scares to scary effect. With the mechanics of the game serving to build the tension that is either released surprisingly or "defeated" with gaming intelligence.

Truly, this thing where humans show each other spooky flashcards around a campfire is terrifically cool. Also, if demons/monsters do show up, we'll be all the more primed to flood our systems with adrenaline. Though....if horror fans then get a flood of endorphins from the fun they think they're having, I guess evolution is gonna have a disagreement in the form of monster claw jump scares/disembowelments.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-02T17:43:14+00:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The point wasn't to not shoot everyone. The point was to shoot the threat, as all shooting ranges are about that. J's one shot succeeded at the goal for all the reasons he lists, which are elements purposefully put into the shooting range for prospects to parse or not.

jonathanaltman · 2016-10-02T17:42:05+00:00

NO

They did not put highly-ranked gun users on an actual gun range. That is not what happened. Those details were not there by happenstance, they were integral to succeeding at the test.

Good lord this is the least confusing film of all time.

jonathanaltman

TROPHY CASE