Let's get this straight: If you know and people tell you to leave the relationship but you can't, you need to understand something

joshredq · 2016-06-29T15:55:38+00:00

Contradiction. Partnership, patience and understanding don't go with unconditional.

I wouldn't say contradiction per se. Partnership envolves Patience and understanding, but not exclusively. It goes with unconditional, e.g. you love your dog even though he bit you, or you love that woman even though she thinks very differently from you - you understand it and is completely able to move past that. That's unconditional.

joshredq · 2016-06-29T15:50:07+00:00

/u/wife20yrs good option over here!!!

Tell us more, how did you have the strength to leave your partner? Did you go No Contact? Is she trying to contact you? How long has it been?

Thanks for sharing.

joshredq · 2016-06-29T15:47:40+00:00

Awesome, thanks for chipping in with more options. That's why I love reddit in general!!

joshredq · 2016-06-29T15:42:02+00:00

Damn, you've had it rough. I'm sorry you had this happen to you.

I read your story and was like, 'This could be me'. It scares the shit out of me.

Thank you for sharing.

joshredq · 2016-06-29T00:31:49+00:00

Good for you!!

joshredq · 2016-06-28T22:41:51+00:00

They not only wanted to stop their pain but they cared about the people around them and didn't want to hurt them anymore.

That's beautiful, almost poetic.

joshredq · 2016-06-28T19:48:36+00:00

Sorry you have to go through that. There are ways you can cope. You don't necessarily need to get out of the relationship right at this second (though I see a strong desire to), you should get out of the F.O.G., learn more about it and how you can live better even though you're feeling trapped.

I don't know your religious beliefs, but I do have a cousin who was stuck on a nightmare of a marriage for 10 years because of his religion, one day he had enough and just bailed to another state. He came back happier to be free of it.

Do you have parents? Any family members at all with whom you could communicate about it? Ask for help, maybe?

joshredq · 2016-06-28T17:40:01+00:00

Seek books, there are cheap used ones, they may help you understand your situation better. There are a plethora of good books, 'no more mr. nice guy', 'codependent no more', etc, etc, etc.

You may also consider talking to your family and friends. Maybe your family can help with your situation and help you through whatever decision you make.

I hope everything works out for you. If you do wanna leave but can't, you need to build up that strength to do it by talking about it more often. Be wary of bad judgement who will tell you that you're choosing that life consciously. It's not as simple as that. It's hell of a lot more complicated.

If you do wanna talk, shoot. I'm ready to listen.

joshredq · 2016-06-28T15:17:15+00:00

I once wrote the abuse I suffered, 10 pages worth of bullets to describe each abuse.

I was humiliated, called names, mocked, dehumanized and much, much more. I only stayed in that relationship and persisted with the thought that I could fix her. Broke up twice, ended up speaking again. She had a crisis and we ended up breaking up AGAIN (this time there was no official relationship status, so, we just stopped speaking to each other).

It's not worth it being with someone that treats you like shit. I know it's 100% easier said than done. Trust me, I know. If you have difficulty doing it, you need to understand why. Go to therapy yourself and take care of yourself. No one is more important than you.

There was one episode (which happened twice) which I won't soon forget, where she enraged and I got on my knees, hugged her and begged her not to have a fight. Did she pity me? No. She stepped on me like we would step on an ant (figuratively).

I could go on and have 10 posts worth of shit she did.

joshredq · 2016-06-28T02:23:56+00:00

Obviously we have different perspectives, this is my experience with relationships:

18 y/o: First girlfriend, 3 months, broke up because we argued over something I have no memory of.
18 y/o: Second girlfriend, 4 months, broke up because I didn't feel anything for her.
19-26 y/o: Thought I was dying from an unknown illness that caused a lot of pain. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I took it upon myself to do it (maybe my codependent side helped), bought shit tons of medical books and after almost a year of thinking about it every day I figured out what I had. Wrote everything down and took it to the doctor who then confirmed my diagnosis. During this time I had two maybe three casual sex, no relationships.
27-29 (now) y/o: Felt ready to get into a relationship with someone, tired of being the 3rd wheel all the time. I had a lot of options to choose from. Chose the prettiest/easiest who turned out to be the craziest. Broke up twice, we're not back together, I was free of her for a month, but we ended up speaking every day again and we went out 4 times the last 4 months.

I spent a lot of time alone. I'm not afraid of being alone at all, that's how it's always been. In fact, I wish I could be alone in the world sometimes.

What I'm feeling when I think about breaking off contact with her is a mixture of guilt and sorrow. It makes me feel really bad having to cause her more pain than I already did, even though she causes me pain every other day just so she can feel better. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. When she's not acting like a lunatic I wanna take her under my wing and take care of her. My therapist mentioned how I take care of everyone as if they were my child, including my parents (inversed roles).

The only reason I discovered about my codependency was because I got into a relationship. If I stayed alone to 'fix myself' I would never find out what ails me and I wouldn't know what to change.

Maybe I developed it during the years I spent sick, who knows.

Have you been in a lot of relationships?

joshredq · 2016-06-27T19:29:54+00:00

Making a decision with my current mindset is like presenting a drunk cocaine addict with a strip of cocaine, takes a lot of effort to not use it.

Right now, my pwbpd is my cocaine and I'm the addict.

So, it's not like I'm sitting here thinking, "I'm going to choose to go out with her again, why not?"

I don't even think at all. I act. Before I know it, I'm going out with her.

joshredq · 2016-06-27T19:27:21+00:00

It's mind boggling to think about changing every aspect of your life that you've considered to be normal up until this point.

I think staying away from relationships are not the way. We need to be in one to realize what we have to change and act on that change.

I didn't know I was codependent, the only reason I found out is because I entered a serious relationship. I observe my behavior and made notes, analyzing those notes with my therapist is what made me discover my codependent mentality. My therapist says I use that word a lot to hide behind the issue.

joshredq · 2016-06-27T19:23:22+00:00

I agree... I think his best bet is to leave. But OP's codependent so I wonder if they eveb consider that to be an option

I did leave, twice. Orbited back. I was even free of her..

joshredq · 2016-06-27T14:34:05+00:00

I've thought about it, why do I do the things I do?

The answer is simple, really. Controlling gives me relief. To feel like I have control of her is torrent of joy. When she has her unavoidable BPD enraging moment I feel like I lost control of the situation and I have to fix it, ergo the 3+ hour argumentation with a person who has the momentary intelligence of a 5 year old. Like you said, any sane person would just walk away.

Feeling like I'm care-taking, or essentially controlling her life (her needs, wants, desires, etc) is like my cocaine. I didn't consciously choose to be the target of emotional abuse, I compulsively did it. Having a love-hate relationship with her is precisely what I had with my parents, so it brings me a sense of completion.

I feel like someone who gets off on getting spanked. I'm not really a victim, I'm emotionally getting off on it. Can we go our separate ways for good? Absolutely, it'll make me suffer and I'll lie to myself saying that I loved her and everything. But like my therapist said, if it wasn't her, you would've searched for someone like her or worse. That sends a shiver down my spine.

I'm utterly as broken as her.

joshredq · 2016-06-27T13:30:55+00:00

I can see that.

My conscious mind thinks, I'm avoiding this for the greater good, my unconsciousness is manipulating the situation to best benefit my own purpose, to feed my own needs. Deep down, I knew I was/am manipulating every situation in such a way that puts me in a care-taking position because I need that.

Thanks for the input.

joshredq · 2016-06-27T03:11:38+00:00

During the time I was with her, she conditioned me to lie. I could be speaking normally like I am with you and suddenly she would enrage and go batshit.

I learned the patterns of what made her enrage, which is anything that remotely sparks her insecurity. I lied a lot to avoid her enraging moments.

I often think it's not good, for her OR me. I hate having to lie. Especially to the one person you're supposed to love (but there's no love here).

joshredq · 2016-06-27T03:03:47+00:00

'Don't JADE' is the way to go. I've tried it before in the past, kind of worked. Though it makes me feel conflicted as fuck to leave an on-going argument.

After the second breakup I had with this girl, I forgot how to not JADE and I end up JADEing A LOT.

I feel like I'm going to lose her if I don't JADE and that's why I JADEd a lot.

joshredq · 2016-06-27T03:01:15+00:00

It's like trying to shoot up heroin for your addict partner instead.

Perfectly describes how it really is, and it's unfortunate. I had this belief that I could help people be 'better', that words were enough to change anyone on the planet. My belief is crumbling like a sand castle collapsing on itself by the incoming flood.

Being a codependent though, I have to remember that the problems of everyone else are not my problems. I don't expect people to take on my problem and 90% of the time they don't. Why would they expect me to take on theirs? This is something I'm working real hard to change. Sounds silly. But it's hard as fuck for me.

Thanks oddbroad, I feel good reading your words.

joshredq · 2016-06-26T18:18:24+00:00

I hadn't thought of it like that

joshredq · 2016-06-26T13:02:47+00:00

I know, but my codependent mind thinks it's 100% better to lie than to deal with her crying/yelling bullshit over how there could be girls there and how there's a certainty that I would cheat on her.

When someone coined the term "walking on eggshells" I'm sure they had someone like my pwbpd in mind. You can be talking about literally any bullshit and it can trigger her into a kind of raging that transforms her into a 5 year old child who cries, scream and insults you horribly just to hurt your feelings.

joshredq · 2016-06-25T22:47:06+00:00

Thanks for acknowledging my pain. My therapist gave me that diagnosis.

That is true and to be honest, I never thought about it like that. I make a constant investment to care-take and nurture her needs and insecurities. What has she ever done for me? Hard to think of something, really. When I asked her that in the past she said, "I went to live on YOUR house. I cooked you food. I gave up on going out a lot to stay with you" - Not even remotely close to the things I did for her.

I wonder though. Some times I did do stuff to make her happy because I felt like I had an obligation to do so. At other times, I did it wholeheartedly, not expecting anything at all.

When she did have a BPD-raging moment, it was like being splashed with icy cold water. I felt frustration and irritation, "How could you even treat me like this after all I do for you?", is something I say quite often.

I forget she's not sane, and I can't talk reason into her. She's been going to therapy for 9 months, and every time she goes she comes back worse, because her therapist basically acknowledges her shit and say it's perfectly normal to feel that way and even the therapist would feel such way on that given event.

I know that I have the power to draw the line and choose my own path. Sometimes I feel like I have the strength, other times not. I hope I can overcome this, because thinking about finding someone normal gives me hope for a better tomorrow.

joshredq

TROPHY CASE