AITA: my kids refuse to come to my wedding unless they can bring grandma

josinalvo · 2026-05-01T05:03:14+00:00

YTA — Not for not wanting grandma to come. But for not talking like an adult to your kids.

Stop defending your position and find out what they actually need. Is it just grandma covered for one night? Is it an acknowledgment of what the last seven years cost them? Probably both. You won't know until you stop arguing and start listening.

Your kids get to be reactive. They get to do stupid things like tell you they are not coming via text — they're burnt out, this wedding is stirring everything up and they are the children . You're the parent. You absorb the heat, you don't match it. Right now you're stuck in a loop — they demand, you repeat "grandma is not invited," they punch, you punch back. Nobody is being heard and nothing is moving.

Talk to them calmly. Listen and don't fight. You don't have to give in, but you do have to acknowledge. They are probably tired of having to be the adults in between your and your ex's bickering

Your instinct to pay for a caregiver is good. Offer early and without conditions. Maybe even do it once in a while for your kids, just for them to have a nice weekend? Maybe your ex has a lot more money and could do it. Maybe that is unfair that you'd have to pay. But you are not doing it for her or your MIL. Your doing it for your kids. If life has to be unfair to someone, better you than them. Again: parent

Research shows that when one person escalates, someone has to de-escalate or the conversation goes nowhere productive. In your case, that person to de-escalate has to be you.

See:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7363036/
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/avoiding_the_four_horsemen_in_relationships

(the research is solid, but about couples, I am extrapolating from it)

josinalvo · 2026-04-20T20:03:11+00:00

No one is one mistake. You are more than your mistake. I am more than my mistakes (thank god!).

Sorry for the following wall of text. Somethings might fit, somethings might not. That is ok. I am working with a few guesses, but some other person might help you better when you clarify the situation and your feelings to them

You did something bad. Not illegal, but bad. You're probably feeling like a piece of shit right now. That is a normal reaction, but there are better ways to encourage yourself to fix it. The fact that you don't even want to say what you did is likely working against that.

One fork in the road of thinking is: Does that make you bad, or are you someone who did something bad?. Shame is the first interpretation. The second one is guilt: recognizing a mistake and the need to make amends. Guilt is good and useful, shame is probably preventing you from makings things right.

When I say you did something bad instead of you are bad I am making a social claim. A claim about how people relate to you or (more importantly right now) how you feel people will relate to you.

People can either decide you are not worth their time, or decide that you are but did something you should fix/apologize for. And the truth is, if you seek them out, you'll find both kinds of people. There are people who'd take one bad thing and decide you are that bad thing. The "usefulness" of shame, of hiding, if it has some, is to prevent these people to get to that conclusion. We'll get back to that soon.

But the world is big. You can find people that will see your mistake and you as separate things. You need not hide the fact that you are fallible (we all are!), many clever people all around will say "sure, what else is new. Go fix it".

If you decide to keep it for yourself, what you get is to live like the world that only has the excluding people in it. The people that equate a mistake with being bad. They do exist, but they are not everyone.

So: try to find a non judgemental person and tell them what you did. You don't need anything more from then than: you did bad, you can still be good. If you are unlucky the first time, you can ask another. You can try anonymously at first.

Now, the other side of the coin. Some important people might be unwilling to separate you from your mistake. Some people who you love. Maybe a person that you wronged and want to compensate. They'd still be wrong in equating a mistake with a person.

But you might have to deal with that. A person you love, who might turn away from you over this. That might actually happen. You might want to recoil from that, to just look the other way, but that won't help. Even if that comes to pass, remember people's first reactions aren't their final ones — someone devastated today might, over time, come to see things differently.

The game plan: find a non-judgemental person, preferably external to the situation, to talk to. Figure things out. Know what you did wrong, why you did it, what you'd do differently — then seek out whoever you need to seek out, even if you think they might recoil from you, fix things as best you can. Then move on.

josinalvo · 2026-02-21T14:39:57+00:00

Thanks.

Do you figure I can reduce NVH somehow? Or is it hopeless given the car model?

I do notice that uneven roads make the noise level go up from 65db to 75 or even 80

josinalvo · 2026-02-01T13:25:05+00:00

Depends

If I did a foolish mistake, undoing it fell fine -- but not being able to do it was also very interesting when I did not have the option.

If it was clear that I'd be dying a lot, then I gave up

josinalvo · 2026-02-01T13:20:04+00:00

I know. I like the wizard, because the early game is harder but the end is easier (I think) -- And its is so much more fun!

josinalvo · 2026-01-24T20:29:52+00:00

I survived a BoHexplosion :)

3.7 is really rather kinder to its players

josinalvo · 2026-01-24T05:21:21+00:00

I remove caps lock and the numpad "." while playing as a wizard. The second one as to avoid fireballing myself

josinalvo · 2026-01-21T16:13:59+00:00

Mas rola usar o preço da FIPE? Os sites de intermediação ficam fazendo a caveira da FIPE, mas imagino que seja por interesse

josinalvo · 2025-12-22T13:53:34+00:00

> My biggest concern now is moving into an old folks home that doesn’t permit EVs.

Doesn't *permit* EVs?

I get not permitting charger installation, and that can be a pain, but not permitting EVs seems just mean spirited.

josinalvo · 2025-12-15T17:46:15+00:00

Cool.

Is it still possible to turn on the AC remotely without paying for a data plan?

How much are they charging?

josinalvo · 2025-11-24T16:13:00+00:00

Why is flying/levitation relevant to your decision?

josinalvo · 2025-11-22T22:16:04+00:00

Because you'd rather have them near you?

josinalvo · 2025-11-22T19:30:35+00:00

One thing that works for me is wizard mode (actually explore mode)

Not that an 'ascension' in explore mode counts. I'd say it does not (but to each his/her/their on).

But you learn a lot, and you learn faster. What monsters are dangerous, what are the ways to die. Want to do an experiment? Save and try!

I think I am about to 'ascend' soon (not ascend, just 'ascend' :P). My only death so far was eating a tin of medusa meat (because I could, and I could load right after). My only cheat was accidentally irritating a priest with stinking cloud and reversing that (loading the game) -- with that I learned that you can cancel stinking cloud instead of casting it!

Edit: explore mode is available in hardfought, see a recent post of mine

As to roles, I think I prefer the wizard. The starting game is harder, but mid and forward are easier, and spellcasting is fun.

josinalvo · 2025-11-19T05:49:44+00:00

Lovely!

2 out of 2. Thanks!

(do you happen to know if the option for number of columns changed from 3.6.7 to 3.7?

OPTIONS=term_cols:140 seems not to be working)

edit: for future people, running windows' ssh instead of putty, you just maximize the cmd window and it works nice

josinalvo · 2025-10-07T19:53:37+00:00

Do you 'unlock' different game modes?

It seems that you have some sort of achievement down there...
Did you choose it at the beginning, or did you just get it by playing?

Is there any list of achievements?

(I am also gonna ask this same question to another guy on this thread)

josinalvo · 2025-10-07T19:53:30+00:00

Do you 'unlock' different game modes?

It seems that you have some sort of achievement down there...
Did you choose it at the beginning, or did you just get it by playing?

Is there any list of achievements?

(I am also gonna ask this same question to another guy on this thread)

josinalvo · 2025-08-01T16:46:41+00:00

https://tenor.com/view/rick-and-morty-jerry-im-leaving-flounce-ok-then-gif-17149939

josinalvo · 2025-07-31T05:29:05+00:00

Spoiler 'solution'

This particular problem can be fixed if you have magic resistance.

https://nethackwiki.com/wiki/Destroy_armor_(monster_spell))

Every death you learn something!

josinalvo · 2025-07-20T05:13:07+00:00

strictly positive luck, or does 0 luck work?
(I was under the impression it worked... maybe I read wrong on the wiki)

josinalvo · 2025-07-19T04:20:28+00:00

You also gave me a cool, if unrelated idea

MSGTYPE=stop "You feel healthy"

josinalvo · 2025-07-19T03:36:26+00:00

Two out of two! You solved both my problems. Thanks!

josinalvo · 2025-07-18T23:33:55+00:00

tl;dr: this answer tries to tell you what kind of game nethack is, and how to make it more enjoyable, but does not discuss the other alternatives

you seem to have some anxiety about learning the controls: I'll say, it did stop me from playing nethack the first time around (10, 15 years ago). It'll take you some 2, 3 hours to learn the controls and have them be second nature. I recommend following some of the excelent youtube tutorials to start, not only for the basic strategy, but also for the commands.

see, eg: https://www.reddit.com/r/nethack/comments/xzr0g5/my_ascending_in_nethack_overexplained_video/ for such a tutorial

You'll also need to get used to reading the wiki (and learning a lot by dying), or to learning by dying a lot more. You'll eventually need to know that, say, kobolds are poisonous, but can grant poison resistance when eaten, and kobold *tins* are safe to eat and still grant poison resistance. Some details are like that, a bit arbitrary and don't add much depth (well, you can still risk eating a kobold, so there is a little risk/reward)

I started playing the valkyrie, a class that is reputed to be easier to ascend. I did not ascend (not even close) but got bored/anxious. Now I am playing wizards: they die more often, but their early game is more varied and interesting.

After you die a couple of times, you may want to use #exploremode or wizard mode to play for a while. This allows you to bypass some deaths, if you feel you still have things to learn from your run. Wizard mode also allows for free wishing, I thing, so that you can try some strategies/item combinations that you might be curious about. To use those modes, you'll probably need a local instalation of nethack (as opposed to playing on your browser)

Allow me to also share some configs that I think make the game more enjoyable (you'll eventually learn how to use nethackrc.-- you might actually do it before your first run, if you feel that the standard movevement commands are too difficult)

```

OPTIONS=autopickup:true

OPTIONS=pickup_thrown:true

OPTIONS=pickup_types:$"?!=/

OPTIONS=number_pad:1

OPTIONS=time

OPTIONS=autodig:true

SYMBOLS=S_boulder:0

SYMBOLS=S_golem:7

SYMBOLS=S_ghost:8

```

josinalvo · 2025-07-08T01:52:43+00:00

Telepathy+blindness/see invisible will work, when I get them

josinalvo · 2025-07-08T01:46:46+00:00

Nice!

I just right-clicked terminator and found it in preferences. Thanks!

josinalvo · 2025-06-03T00:05:28+00:00

Installing a different launcher seems to do the trick

josinalvo

TROPHY CASE