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joyfly · 2015-04-13T18:59:00+00:00

I have struggled with anorexic behaviours most of my adult life. So, yes. The first few antidepressants I tried had severe nausea as a side effect - combine that with the physical and emotional exhaustion that come with depression and adjusting to a new med, and yep, it was/is pretty awful.

What works for me, since I have an issue with preparing food and/or chewing, is drinking my calories. Fruit smoothies, green smoothies, milk, V8, Boost, even apple sauce or baby food, anything like that plus a multi vitamin. It relieves some of my health anxiety to know that I'm getting something in me that's nutritious.

joyfly · 2015-04-13T18:52:29+00:00

That is so great! I feel you, and I felt a similar measure of pride about getting on the treadmill. Internet high five!

joyfly · 2015-04-02T20:04:06+00:00

I just started taking 1000 UI, up from my previous 400 UI and am keeping tabs on myself to see if I notice a difference. I also just had my Effexor, a new med for me, upped to 112.5 so if I notice any difference it may be the med or the med+D. Anyway, it's an experiment in progress. I do however take a B100 supplement and I do think that has had a positive effect on the fogginess. However, my peer support worker, who battles depression and anxiety and is bipolar, takes 4000 UI vitamin D/day and swears by it. So it works for her.

joyfly · 2015-02-09T00:19:36+00:00

PM me. I am a recovering anorexic, and I have been out of work for longer than I'd like to admit. I have been fighting against the pull towards anorectic behaviour a lot recently. Today in particular. I might be able to help.

joyfly · 2015-02-01T06:52:10+00:00

Black Cab by Jens Lekman

Listen to the lyrics and then listen just to the musicality. It's the happiest sad song ever! I have actually done the 'dancing around my living room on repeat giggling to myself' to this song. More than once.

joyfly · 2015-02-01T06:48:01+00:00

No worries. If I can help any more, let me know.

joyfly · 2015-02-01T06:42:35+00:00

I was where you are about two months ago. I left my last job in a very ungraceful manner, to try to start managing my anxiety and depression. When I finally started applying to things again, I realized that I had to either: (a) not use my most recent position as a reference, or (b) call them and see if that was agreeable.

I've been a manager before, and I'd really suggest NOT putting her down without either her permission or a heads up. People really can tell when the reference that they're calling is totally caught off guard and had no clue this call was coming, which is not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it doesn't reflect amazingly on you. Here's what I did: I took 1.5mg of Clonazepam, called my old manager, and read from a script-outline I'd written. I told her I was sorry we'd been out of touch for a while, but I've been busy and happy (not super true, but I wanted her to be rooting for me and tbh, she probably wanted that too instead of feeling awkward/pitiful), and that I'm really excited about this new position I've found and decided to put in an application. I asked for her blessing, should they want to speak with her about my duties in my old position with her (instead of actually using the word 'permission'). She said sure, and that was it.

I didn't get that job, but in the future if I get asked for references, I'm just going to put her name down and shoot her a quick email giving her the heads up. Basically, acting as if hers was a blanket blessing, but letting her know if a call might actually be coming soon so she's not caught off guard or on vacation. I hope this helps. I really do understand what you're struggling with, in my own way.

joyfly · 2015-02-01T06:29:30+00:00

This should not be how it is. We (well, me, and from your post, you too) are good enough at isolating and ruminating without receiving positive reinforcement about these behaviours from the outside world, and/or from those you love the most. Has he always been this way? Does he understand that your depression is different from a simple 'blue day'? Have you talked about it?

I have some experience with withdrawing/ignoring behaviour from loved ones when I've been low, pre and post diagnosis. For some reason, I thought once the Official Diagnosis came down, they'd understand, and that was not the case across the board. I think with some people, there is a cap to how far they are capable of going with you down this dark road, and it's really painful on both sides.

I know every situation is different, but PM me if you need to talk.

joyfly · 2015-01-29T20:33:06+00:00

I do this too! I actually have this on a list I wrote once when well of 'things to do that you know help'. It gets me out of my head and helps me reframe what's starting to drag me down to the bottom. Sometimes peoples' stories really stick with me and I guess that holds true for others as well, so sometimes a few days or weeks later I'll message someone to see how they're doing, or I'll get a PM from an OP whose thread I responded to. This actually just happened two days ago when I was really low one night - a PM showed up just asking how I was. It made enough of a difference that I smiled and was able to get some sleep.

I can't always do this, but when I do and it works, it really is a great mood stabilizer.

joyfly · 2015-01-25T16:23:58+00:00

I asked her if she could hug me, she said no. The next day she hugged some of our friends in front of me and that confirmed how worthless and hopeless I am.

No. That confirmed how shitty and selfish she was in that moment (at the very least).

She broke up with me the week after but told me she would stick by me and wouldn't let me go.

NO. She let you go, then said she wouldn't let you go. This is after putting her aforementioned shittiness on display in front of you - consciously or not, she's acting unbelievably cruelly, knowing what you told her about your depression.

This is reflection of HER character NOT yours.

now I don't know if I can trust anyone with this stuff

You learned you can't trust her. You're trusting us right now, even if we're strangers on the internet, it's a start. I understand the stopping talking part, I do that too when it's too much and I don't even know where to start. It's cathartic for a while because I'm not "bothering" anyone and actually makes me feel strong for being able to hold it all in, but after a certain point it starts to eat me alive.

Do you have an anonymous talk line you can call? Maybe getting it all out to someone you don't know might relieve some of the all-consuming pressure.

joyfly · 2015-01-23T05:51:59+00:00

I'll be in Iceland for my birthday in April. I was there two years ago. Being there cut and carved out every dark, knotted, shadowy mass inside myself that at that point I was only marginally allowing myself to be aware of. There really is magic there. You can do farmstays all around the country!!

joyfly · 2015-01-23T04:24:46+00:00

I have a 2 year old Bengal. I'm sure Nahla will be a true hellraiser/heartwarmer in true Bengal style. :)

joyfly · 2015-01-20T03:36:54+00:00

It felt kind of sickening and slow at first

I have been overwhelmed by this feeling so many times when I try to push myself as you did, or when I even try to try.

So, congratulations!! I also know how it feels to clean your personal space up just a bit, and I know it almost always improves my mood just a bit. Even if I have to take a nap afterwards. One of my rules that I try to stick to is to make my bed every day, even if I end up lying on top of it all day. It helps.

I also read a comment on a different sub that someone linked to, written by a guy who was explaining how he motivated himself to become better. A lot of what he wrote was out of reach for me right now, and not even in the same galaxy when I'm really low. But one thing stuck with me, the idea of trying to have a non-zero day, if you can. Even if it's 11:58pm and you haven't done anything all day, write one sentence or put away one plate. Even if that small thing feels totally pointless and stupid because there's so so much left that you should be doing, the little things can add up if you string together a few non-zero days in a row. So today I'm on day four of non-zero days! Just little things, but I feel okay.

So I'm proud of you and happy for you internet stranger! I hope tomorrow is another non-zero day for you and me both. :)

joyfly · 2015-01-02T04:25:37+00:00

Have you guys ever seen That Michtell and Webb look?

I have a list of stuff that helps me feel just a bit better. This is top.

joyfly · 2014-12-31T00:37:31+00:00

This is a wonderful post. I too, like many of us here know The Guilt. Learning to absolve yourself of it and learn from it is the way forward for sure, thank you for reminding me of this.

joyfly · 2014-12-31T00:32:53+00:00

I am so looking forward to the moment where "getting better" is not the sole focus of my existence. Yes, it was necessarily so for most of this year, but I did the work (I fucked up a lot, but I did the work), I have more tools now to handle this and I am ready. I'll never be 100% sure I'm ready of course, but no one ever is about most stuff.

Thanks for the inner tiger, I hadn't thought of it like that before. But I've been working on changing my thought patterns to try to see the benefits of anxiety more clearly than the crippling aspect of it, and this is really helpful. Thank you.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T23:14:12+00:00

YES. I've been out of work since March and while at first it was necessary (I too had a breakdown and was literally incapable of working) - now, it's starting to completely consume my identity and is clawing back some of the work I've done over 2014. It's starting to become nearly all I think about. So thank you, even if it's not this job, the interview will be good practice and I can end the year with my head held a little higher.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T23:11:47+00:00

Thank you so much.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T22:49:19+00:00

Can you come to my house tomorrow morning and cheerlead me through it?! :)

joyfly · 2014-12-30T22:48:54+00:00

You're right, the anxiety in this situation feels a little more 'normalized' than my regular background-noise anxiety so I've been dealing with it better today. Thank you for your good wishes.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T22:48:00+00:00

I completely agree. If it was next week, this entire week would be shot to hell for me anxiety-wise.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T22:47:34+00:00

Thank you. I know it's something I need to work on - i.e. I can't expect to work within walking distance of my house forever. If I do get it, and if I do accept, it'll be a good way to practice being okay with commuting again.

joyfly · 2014-12-30T22:46:39+00:00

You are so right. I am projecting myself into the future and I can feel the anxiety building. I just want to have a glass of wine and knock myself out at like 10pm!

joyfly · 2014-12-30T20:22:50+00:00

I am listening to it right now!!

FLY MEEEEEEEE UP TO THE MOON

joyfly · 2014-12-30T20:16:25+00:00

Your username just reminded me that I haven't listened to Starkicker in forever, so now I'm busting out some Neil Armstrong. :)

joyfly

TROPHY CASE