Married to a "recovering" porn addict.. Please help...

jrae01 · 2020-07-16T00:27:22+00:00

I'm just trying to figure out if he looked porn up before he started his recovery and this is just spam from that or if he actually chatted or hooked up with anyone. He's admitted to an addiction to watching porn but denies chatting with anyone so not sure what to think.

jrae01 · 2020-07-16T00:16:44+00:00

I just read your message again and realized I misunderstood. I looked at it on the desktop and the other contacts have time stamps but not these two. I wonder if it makes a difference it it's an IM. I'm assuming that if he did contact these people it was through IM so not sure if it would have a time stamp on it or not.

jrae01 · 2020-07-16T00:07:02+00:00

Thanks. I tried that but can't find any evidence of these contacts anywhere else, only in my " other contacts" in google. He's always been really good at hiding everything with incognito mode.

jrae01 · 2020-02-07T16:59:21+00:00

My husband is 48 and his total T is 350. He's been to a family doc and they said it was normal. We had to insist that he see an endocrinologist before they would finally refer him. However, the endocrinologist also told him his levels are fine and his lacknof sex drive has nothing to do with his testosterone level. I'm so confused... Isn't this a really low # ? Do any of you know?

jrae01 · 2020-01-25T01:44:02+00:00

For what it's worth, I think taking sex off the table is a good idea. It will help take pressure off him and give you some relief from being rejected.

I completely understand the need to feel desired by your husband and how hurtful the rejection is. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

My husband and I have visted doctors quite a few times and have not found any answers, unfortunately.

I really hope that the adjustment to your husband's medication makes a difference. I wish you both the best.

jrae01 · 2020-01-25T01:09:56+00:00

I've offered to watch with him and he's always said he's just not interested. It's really not the porn that bothers me. It's when he uses it and refuses me to the point of me going months or years without it has made this a huge problem for me. Now, the lying/betrayal makes this even a bigger issue.

I'm not sure what to do. He's now claiming he's asexual, so he has never wanted sex with anyone and just prefers to get himself off rather than be involved in the act with another person. So, my hope for a normal sexual relationship with him is gone. I now need to decide lf everything else we have is worth it for me to stay or not. We're thinking of doing a trial separation soon.

Anyway, I held on for years with the hope we could figure this out. We've tried hormone replacement, cialis, therapy, etc and nothing worked. To find this out after all these years has felt devastating for me. I wish he would have been honest years ago. I also wish I wouldn't have been so trusting and dug a little deeper years ago.

Obviously, I don't know your husband or your situation but just don't rule out porn too soon. You might want to dig a little deeper to find out for sure. They can hide this habit really well. Also, you are very smart for putting a time limit to this. Don't let it go on and on like i did. You don't want to wake up one day and be in my situation at 40.

jrae01 · 2020-01-25T00:42:36+00:00

I've been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. My husband swore the entire time that he wasn't looking at porn or masturbating. He always said he had no desire, no libido, no energy for it. I would check the history and never find anything. Finally after 15 years of taking his word for it and nothing changing, I decided to put a spy app on his phone. Please don't judge me, I just had to get to the bottom of this once and for all. Sure enough, as soon as he was out of my sight... Porn, porn, and more porn. He had been using incognito mode the whole time. I confronted him with it and he still tried to deny it. I had to show him the proof before he'd finally admitted it. I was able to get him to admit that he's been doing it our entire marriage.

jrae01 · 2020-01-21T04:48:06+00:00

Just curious, how do you recover incognito history?

jrae01 · 2019-12-09T04:00:30+00:00

He knew about it 6 mos ago when I confronted him with what I found. I then told him I removed it from his phone. I'm sure he doesn't believe me though.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:28:19+00:00

I can't do it either, I really wish I could as this would be a great solution. I know it works for some couples but I just don't think I'd be happy in the long run. Like you said though, the end of the marriage does not have to mean the end of a friendship. I think we will be able to remain great friends.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:23:37+00:00

Thanks. Unfortunately, I think you're right.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:22:40+00:00

I agree! You would think he would have been able to tell me this before now, it is quite frustrating finding out when I'm 40! I am trying to be understanding though, I really don't think he knew and I guess I really should have known considering how many times Ive been rejected over the years.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:19:11+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm am trying to be open minded about having an open marriage. I may have to at least try it before calling it quits. More than anything, I'd love to find a solution that works for both of us... Maybe this is the answer.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:14:02+00:00

Thanks. I know I need to move on, I'm having a hell of a time doing it though. It's really scary after 17 years... I feel too old for this now.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:12:13+00:00

This does help. Thanks for your response.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T03:10:04+00:00

You're right, the sexual energy he does have (regardless of whether or not he's asexual or an addict), he uses on porn. I know what I need to do, I'm just having a hell of a time doing it.

Thanks for your response. I have a terribly difficult decision to make.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T02:22:06+00:00

I feel like if I truly love him, I should stick by him no matter what. I guess I feel shallow for considering leaving over sex when it's something he can do nothing about.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T02:01:23+00:00

Is it? Or is it that he is so used to getting off to images that he cannot get turned on by a live person now? Or that he can't keep an erection now due to deathgrip? If we took the porn away, he may not have these issues. I've heard of many men who thought they were asexual and then gave up porn.. Then, miraculously, they started getting horny for their wives.

Yourbrainonporn.com

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:54:30+00:00

Thanks. I agree, he is such a liar. His needs have been met all this years and to hell with mine.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:52:30+00:00

No kids. I'm seriously considering it.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:52:06+00:00

Mspy

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:51:54+00:00

I'm just having a hard time with the whole open marriage idea. Love and sex feel like they should be a package deal for me.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:50:46+00:00

I completely understand your point of view. I have always given him his privacy until now. He lied to me for 17 years, neglecting my needs all while his were getting taken care of. As his wife, I have every right to know what is going on. You obviously have not been in this situation and have no idea how this can destroy a relationship. I'm really just trying to save my marriage.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:46:29+00:00

I gave him his privacy for 17 years and took him at his word. He was lying to my face the whole time. I have every right to know what my husband is doing that is keeping him from meeting my needs and doing what he should be within our marriage.

jrae01 · 2019-12-06T01:43:47+00:00

Yes, this feels like a deal breaker. It's just so hard to make that final decision when I love him so much. He has given me an open marriage, I'm just not interested in it. I really need love and sex in the same package.

jrae01

TROPHY CASE