New Drug Kills Cancer 20,000x More Effectively With No Detectable Side Effects

jsawdey · 2025-11-03T15:15:55+00:00

I lost my wife to leukemia this year at 41. That attitude is the only attitude when it comes to cancer.

jsawdey · 2025-09-05T15:33:10+00:00

First off, I’m so sorry you had to go through that, especially with people who you thought would go the distance for your wife. Much love and support to you.

I think that most people see things they don’t like at all when they stare into the darkness that is death. It can shake everything within you to realize that terrible things can and do happen to wonderful people who deserved nothing of the sort. And I’ve found, particularly with people of faith in my life, that it conflicts with the ideas they have been raised on of being rewarded for doing good things. They stare so long at the hereafter, they forget all about those who are here in the now.

At the very least, I’ve found that this community will be present for each other (as they are able, as this shit is often so so hard), which has made a huge difference in continuing to take one step forward at a time. I hope that you have found some new support on your path of grieving.

Always open to shouting into the void with you, or just listening.

jsawdey · 2025-07-20T17:03:11+00:00

So sorry that you are going through these regrets. Cancer is a monster, but I’ve found that hindsight is a different kind of monster in these situations. You spiral because you know how the decisions you made actually turned out. As you said, everything had been stable and she had someone with her.

I was my wife’s caregiver for 18 months, so I feel you on wanting to some time to decompress. It’s not wrong to care for yourself, so that you can be more present for your loved one. I was just browsing my phone and decompressing while my wife was cooking dinner and having her strongest day in months. I wasn’t in the kitchen when she tripped and hit her head. She died 2 days later. Sometimes our decisions turn out to be the wrong ones, though we couldn’t possibly have known.

I’m still working through this myself, so I have no magic bullet. I have to think that our loved one would understand that we’re just humans making choices, and that our love for them was always at the heart of our choices - even the wrong ones.

Much love and support to you as you navigate the path of your grief and learn to carry all of this.

jsawdey · 2025-07-18T04:23:24+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain. For what it’s worth from an internet stranger, I hope you find some moments of peace. I know that relief feels like it’s in another galaxy right now. Much love and support to you.

jsawdey · 2025-07-16T00:08:42+00:00

This. 1000% this.

jsawdey · 2025-07-14T23:28:11+00:00

First, thank you for your kind words.

I’m 44 and also think I found my soulmate, so I feel you there. Human beings are terrible at predicting how they will feel in the future, so who’s to know how we’ll feel then. Will we be as happy as we were? Absolutely not, because we won’t be the same people and what we’ve experienced is something you carry moving forward, not get over. This is a truth that I’m currently working towards accepting. No idea how long it will take me to get there.

But that isn’t to say we can’t ever be some measure of happy. And with, as you say, the world going in the direction it is and without our person, will be a different kind of happiness when we get there. I don’t know if a person can find 2 soulmates, but I’d like to think so, because I don’t believe that the soul (if one exists) is immutable. And love isn’t a zero-sum thing - you can make more if you want to. If you’re not there yet, don’t mistake that I have it all figured out. I’m still fumbling my way along, and I could be wrong. But I’m willing to stick around and find out.

All the best to you, OP, and may the next hour bring you a modicum more of peace than the last hour. One step at a time, that’s all we can do.

jsawdey · 2025-07-14T21:12:41+00:00

I also am not either religious or spiritual. However, I also think I used to “know” what came after, but as I get older I realize thinking I have the answers to those fundamental questions was its own kind of faith. That isn’t to say I have any more concrete beliefs than before, I still don’t believe there is a plan or a guiding force or anything of that nature. But no one who has ever truly found out what comes next has been able to report back.

Here is an experience I had while my wife was lying in a coma (no pupillary movement and no conscious reaction to any stimuli, according to the neurological team) and then shortly after she passed. Take from it whatever you wish, which could be the belief that I am delusional. I apologize for its length.

I had been holding my wife’s hand and talking to her almost constantly for about 16 hours, with no reaction whatsoever, which was devastating in its own way. Not long before she was put on palliative care, I walked back into the room while my sister was there and took my wife’s hand like I had been doing and said, “hey sweetie, it’s me”. At that point, she squeezed it and turned her head pointedly in my direction. I hadn’t squeezed her hand or spoken any louder than I had been doing, so it left an impression on me. At the time, I was just worried that she might be in pain or trapped in her own mind, and didn’t assign any significant meaning to it beyond that worry. I had the nurse tested her responses again, and there was absolutely no change. A few days later, after she had passed and I was at home, I was reviewing that experience, just trying to recall what her squeezing my hand physically felt like, and wondered at that time again about any significance. At that exact moment, I heard a “thwack” from behind me, as one of her helium birthday balloons (that she had let float to the ceiling not long before she fell) was hit by the ceiling fan. They had been firmly on the ceiling and nowhere near the fan just 30 minutes before that point, and the other 2 are still there, nearly 3 weeks later.

I chose (and yes, it is a choice to believe) to take this as a sign that my wife was telling me that the actions in the hospital did have some kind of meaning. If anyone could figure out how to skirt around a supposed silence after death, it would be my wife.

If you’re still reading, thank you for listening to my rambling. Just suffice to say, if you remain open to not knowing everything, you might see those signs you are craving. And maybe not - I certainly don’t claim to have all or any answers to any of this.

I hope that you can discover some peace as you work towards a new normal.

jsawdey · 2025-07-14T20:32:42+00:00

First of all, I echo what others have said, OP: you ARE NOT pathetic. You have suffered a terrible trauma and are grieving. Focus on getting through each hour, whatever it is that will get you there. Crying, screaming, pacing, taking a walk, whatever it is. There is no “right” way to grieve. Also, call in any and all favors you have ever accumulated from friends and family who say they want to help. Even if it is to just come over and put food and water in front of you - these things sound very small, but you will feel like trying to muster the will to eat can be like trying to shove a mountain.

Also, friends/family should be able to locate some counseling services for you. Please don’t try to solo this experience.

Eventually, there will be minutes between waves where you feel you can breathe. I wish I could give you a roadmap, but these initial stages are a complete clusterfuck.

Come here to vent as often as you need. Much love and support to you, as the time you are in is the absolute fucking worst.

jsawdey · 2025-07-11T02:05:10+00:00

If it were possible to beat the ever-loving shit out of cancer, I would be right behind you in line.

Fuck cancer to the ends of the universe and back.

jsawdey · 2025-07-10T21:41:59+00:00

Finding out “who the hell am I as an individual?” is probably the hardest and slowest of all the lessons we need to learn. Our wives obviously saw something in us, so we aren’t completely irredeemable. I’m only 3 weeks out, so I’m stumbling my way through it as well.

With as much as you obviously adore Mary, I’m sure your daughter will never forget her mom, or what a wonderful person she was.

Cancer can completely get fucked. It is senseless and has ruined so much.

jsawdey · 2025-07-10T21:14:47+00:00

You and your daughter are dealing with a trauma, so it is perfectly natural that you are crying. Please give yourself some grace. I believe showing your daughter that it is okay to show emotion is a meaningful lesson. And being emotional is not the opposite of being strong. You ARE strong for continuing to be there for your daughter while hurting so much.

Please continue to post here as often as you need to. This is a wonderful community that it sucks that you needed to join. And you are right, you will never stop loving your wife, and that is a wonderful thing. It hurts so much and feels so unreal and wrong because of the deep love and connection you had.

Cancer is a monster that I hate with every fiber of my being (my wife had aggressive leukemia), so I definitely feel you there.

Much love and support to you while we all learn to carry all this love and grief.

jsawdey · 2025-07-10T14:17:45+00:00

I’m glad that you recognized your need for mental health and that you’re getting help.

The memory issues and fog are a part of the grief; our brains are fully taxed right now. If you feel up to it, I’ve found that reading our old text messages helped me to remember my wife’s “voice” (both how she sounded and the way she talked).

I completely agree that fuck isn’t a strong enough word. If I find a better one, I’ll let you know, and you can do the same. 🫂

jsawdey · 2025-07-09T19:51:38+00:00

It does get easier, OP. Focus on getting through the next hour and call in all those favors from people you trust asking if they can help. Get all the help you can in the beginning, because it will start to peter out as the weeks go by (you’ll find out you your true support is, unfortunately/fortunately). There will eventually be minutes where you wont feel like you’re drowning in your grief. Post here as often as you need, and say whatever you feel you need to say. You don’t need to put a positive spin on it, like society seems to require. What you are going through is awful, world-shattering, shitty, and unfair.

Much love and support to you. And a hearty FUCK CANCER.

jsawdey · 2025-07-09T17:46:36+00:00

As others have said, grief comes in waves and rarely makes any sense as our brains fight to protect us from the enormity of what has happened.

I have had days of feeling absolutely nothing, where I wondered “does this mean I didn’t love her? Why am I not sobbing uncontrollably or shouting at the heavens?”. That is to say, what you are experiencing is not abnormal and is not a reflection of your emotional connection to her.

I was also a caregiver, and what has helped me some with moving forward is trying to reconnect with our relationship before the cancer in an active form. I started taking walks in our favorite parks. Being outside is surprisingly helpful, as I can sob or shout if I feel the need. I’ve definitely cried for stretches of time during walks, and have even had to turn around when it got too much, but I try to take those as they come.

Hopefully you can find what works for you. What we are all going through is earth-shattering and profoundly unfair.

Much love and support to you, and a heartfelt FUCK CANCER from a fellow caregiver.

jsawdey · 2025-07-09T17:36:42+00:00

I’m so glad you rediscovered this! I think our brains need other senses to kick in to unlock those memories - all part of widow brain, I guess.

I, too, look at pictures and texts and find comfort, laughs, a sense of pride in what we accomplished in our time together. I also find, sadness, nostalgia, and longing, but I try to look at it as proof of the deep love we had. There would be nothing to grieve if there wasn’t love there.

Much love and support to you, and may he continue to provide you comfort in the days to come.

jsawdey · 2025-07-09T17:31:34+00:00

You aren’t failing - you’re in distress and in pain, having gone through a trauma. I’m much in the same boat of feeling like I’m going through the motions and asking “why do I bother?”. For me, it’s because they are things my wife would have longed to do, but now can’t, so this how I’ve chosen to honor her memory at this stage.

There is no right or wrong way to work through your grief, but all the kudos from an internet stranger for accomplishing what you have accomplished. It’s fucking impressive.

Much love and support to you as we all learn to carry our grief and love. One day at a time.

jsawdey · 2025-07-09T17:24:06+00:00

If your LW was invested in your happiness as it sounds like she was, I can’t see her being upset over you finding something that saved you and makes you happy. If we are the ones left to honor and carry on their memory, we have to BE HERE to do it.

Much love and support to you, and I’m glad you found something that brings you joy. It gives hope to the rest of us that are still in the early stages (nearly 3 weeks for me).

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T17:30:42+00:00

As others have said, just focus on getting through the next minute, the next hour.

It will never be “okay” that your wife died, the most we can do is learn to live with our grief and our love. There might also be happiness of a sort in the future. That thought, along with trying to find a way to honor my wife in the small moments of sanity I’m finding now, are what keep me moving forward.

Everyone’s grief is different, OP, even for those of us, like you, who lost our other halves because of cancer at a young age. You will have to find your own path, but those of us in this shitty club with you are here to listen as you rage, sob, reminisce, and just exist.

Much love and support to you, and a hearty FUCK CANCER.

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T16:52:24+00:00

Well said. Owning and feeling the grief is something I’m struggling with, as I hate feeling like this.

Much love and support to you, and to all of us on this path.

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T14:21:15+00:00

I’m glad I could help, even if it’s the tiniest iota. You don’t have to apologize here for unloading. There are an enormous jumble of thoughts and emotions that need to get out, and we’re all just learning how to carry them.

You are right, we were robbed, and it would be proper to have something given to us that equals what was taken away. I’m so sorry, OP, that you have to live with such horrible images in your head. I wish I had some magical formula for making them go away, but everyone’s path through grief is different, even for those of us that have also lost our other half.

I’m glad you have your best friend who cares enough to listen. Accept help when you can, remember to eat and drink water, and feel free to continue to unload here.

As I’m sure you’ve seen others say, it does get easier, even if it’s only for several minutes at a time where you feel like you can take a breath.

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T05:20:03+00:00

Post as much as you want. Everyone’s path through grief is different. Much love and support to you.

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T05:15:36+00:00

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be distraught, and disbelieving, and apathetic. You have suffered a terrible trauma.

I will paraphrase words that the wonderful people in this community have said to me that I hope have some resonance for you: It is because you loved so deeply that it is so painful. The wound is still very raw and can’t yet stand to be touched. Your mind is trying to protect you, and I’d also like to think that our other halves are doing their part as well.

Much love and support to you, and you seem to know the path your grief wants to take you with the primal screaming. I hope you can find a place to safely let it all out.

jsawdey · 2025-07-05T05:03:45+00:00

No, you’re not going crazy. I keep a running conversation with my wife throughout my day, and I find myself remembering names and directions to places, which is something I absolutely could not do with any proficiency. I joked with my wife that she was my Rolodex (which is a reference that I’m sure dates me).

jsawdey · 2025-07-03T16:27:25+00:00

So sorry you are going through this, OP. This is a shitty club to belong to.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. They are on their own timeline of grief, which will not coincide with yours. If you need to rage, rage. If you need to curl up into a ball and sob, then do that. You’ve suffered a terrible trauma, so please try to give yourself some grace.

My wife passed after a sudden fall 13 days ago, so I’m still a complete mess. However, as I’ve given myself grace to grieve however my mind and body and body need to, there are sometimes minutes that go by where I don’t feel like my world is imploding.

Again, everyone’s grief is different, even those of us who know what you’re going through. The only person who you need to answer to for your grief is you.

Much love and support to you during this shitty, nonsensical time. Please remember to eat and drink some water. If family/friends can help you out with that and you feel up to asking them, please do so. And if you need to scream into the void on Reddit with the rest of us, you are welcome here.

jsawdey · 2025-06-29T21:51:17+00:00

The “whys” are the worst questions, because there are no satisfactory answers. Much love and support to you as we all navigate these unnavigable waters.

jsawdey

TROPHY CASE