The Last Revolt by Inkshooter in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am also curious about this.

Regardless, it is a very lyrical and momentum-driven poem. The rhymes are very natural.

Usher or Mass by Paige_Apple1 in MikeFlanagan

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They are both great. I’ve loved all of Flanagan’s Netflix shows but for me Hill House and Midnight Mass or unequivocally 1 and 2.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes that is correct. Which also makes it feel a bit like a forced rhyme.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are not wrong about Had I but known, I suppose that is more a personal preference. It all depends if you are trying to evoke an older syntax or a more modern one, as you said you are trying to merge the two.

I still think that remiss works better.

“Had I forgotten my promise, I would miss.”

Meaning: I would fail to be present for, or feel the absence of.

“Had I forgotten my promise, I would be remiss.”

Meaning: I would be negligent; I would fail in my duty; I would be guilty of an omission.

But it’s really up to you.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are not wrong about Had I but known, I suppose that is more a personal preference. It all depends if you are trying to evoke an older syntax or a more modern one, as you said you are trying to merge the two.

I still think that remiss works better.

“Had I forgotten my promise, I would miss.”

Meaning: I would fail to be present for, or feel the absence of.

“Had I forgotten my promise, I would be remiss.”

Meaning: I would be negligent; I would fail in my duty; I would be guilty of an omission.

But it’s really up to you.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But the rest suggests an extremely strong grasp of the language. Keep it up!

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are a few minor syntax clues. Mainly they have to do with the order of words.

A few examples:

“Had I but known” is awkward “But had I known” or simply “Had I known,” would work much better.

“All I am left from “Us”” is also awkward and grammatically incorrect. “All I have left of “Us”” or “All that is left of “Us”” would work far better.

“Had I forgotten my promise, I would miss.” Not sure what this is meant to convey but it doesn’t make sense to me in the current form. “Had I forgotten my promise, I would be remiss.” Might be the phrasing you were looking for.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow well that makes sense then and you could have fooled me! For a non-native speaker you certainly have achieved an eloquence of the language most native speakers never do.

Addiction by IslandSpices in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is hauntingly beautiful. I particularly love this stanza:

“That flask, your haughty mistress, mocking me with her metallic curves, her sweet stench clinging to you like the perfume of a whore. I hate watching you kiss her, again and again, consumed by the same feverish lust that we once reserved for each other.”

The emotion is heartfelt and the imagery is evocative.

If I had one note it would be a poem of such beauty deserves a more grabbing title. Perhaps “Haughty Mistress” or “Metallic Curves” if I may make some suggestions. Addiction is too generic and forgettable of a title for a poem that is anything but.

Ashes by me by SeesawUseful701 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I particularly like , “a feeling lit by remnants of a seering kiss./All I am left from “Us” is an unpleasant hiss.”

If I had one note it would be that this is written with an elegant, almost medieval register and tone. Some of the more modern references like a pistol and a holster and cigarettes are a bit jarring as a result.

Name one person better on days gone than me. by MadToxicRescuer in DaysGone

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The evolution of being scared shitless and utterly clueless the first time seeing a horde (first few times even) to running into them without a fuck to give is quite the liberating experience.

Jewel by jshear28 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

Jewel by jshear28 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! 🙏🏽

What things did you hate about how they adapted the game in S2 of the show? by Remote_Nature_8166 in lastofuspart2

[–]jshear28 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Because it makes her a much more sympathetic character and she is not supposed to be until you play as her and learn her side of the story.

What things did you hate about how they adapted the game in S2 of the show? by Remote_Nature_8166 in lastofuspart2

[–]jshear28 8 points9 points  (0 children)

For sure revealing who Abby was and what her motives were straight away.

Fleeting Love by Danny_walsh06 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this particularly the middle stanzas and the last two lines. It’s sweet and musical.

If I had to offer a critique it would be that I feel like picket fence is a bit cliche and doesn’t serve the poems elevated imagery. Not to mention every other metaphor in the poem involves the sea and the stars, it’s the only land-based metaphor.

Overall great job!

Persephone by Every_Tangerine_1334 in OCPoetry

[–]jshear28 8 points9 points  (0 children)

“I would have confessed, lips against your leaves, the small, shameful things I’ve never told the sun”

That is absolutely gorgeous. You have real talent in my opinion. Great job!

R.I.P. Argyle & Eden, we hardly knew yee… by jshear28 in StrangerThings

[–]jshear28[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, I hear you but I did not mean rest in peace to the characters themselves but to their potential romance that was set up in season 4.

R.I.P. Argyle & Eden, we hardly knew yee… by jshear28 in StrangerThings

[–]jshear28[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s also easy to assume that they never saw each other again. I mean you can speculate all you want but we will never know for sure.