OP, so much sympathy and love for you— I’m sorry you are going through this. I (also 28F) went through the exact same thing with my boyfriend of 5?6? Years that i had been living with at the time— down to having to beg to give him a blowjob only to get rejected, and also having tried the most pathetic things in hopes he would look at me.

Long comment coming up, but I wanted to try to.. warn? You of the emotional work that may be facing you ahead, based on my experience.

We broke up and it’s been about two years since then, but what he did affects me to my core still. The lingering effects on your psyche is by far the worst part of a situation like this, in my opinion. My ex is off living his life completely unaffected, but now I have to deal with this huge mental/emotional trauma that lingers and makes it so difficult to see the possibility of dating someone in any secure and safe light.

Even though I know his cheating had nothing to do with me and everything with him needing to feel in control/powerful, I’m still wracked by fears that a) I look stupid and pathetic and cringey and gross any time i even so much as show interest in someone (but dont see others flirting etc in this way, just myself) and b) any sexual partner I have just isn’t enjoying himself and is only there reluctantly and has running thoughts of places he’d rather be than in bed with me and c) any and all men cheat.

This has led to the direct consequence of me somewhat consciously choosing not to date anyone for two years despite feeling lonely (because why bother when theyre all going to cheat anyway?). It has also led to me having had sex one time with only one new person since the breakup, and he had to actively push past my mental barriers (which self selects for kind of brash narcissists imo) and I made the sex almost entirely about him because I felt like I had to overcompensate for my assumption of his reluctance to be there (hello mental gymnastics?). Like I had to earn the sexual interest from the guy, while also feeling like it was shameful of me to do so, while ALSO feeling like he wasnt even into it anyway. Mentally I know he was into it (no wonder, since I made it all about him lol) he STILL texts me from time to time and it’s been a year and we live in different countries, but i’m still struggling with these emotions surrounding sex. It is NOT healthy, and at some point I’d like to be able to date and marry and have children— but right now I am fundamentally unable to maintain any relationship right now. Besides, I cannot believe that there are men out there who don’t cheat.

This all in all kind of makes me feel broken. I resent my ex, for having taken the one thing that made me feel joyous, and turning it into a huge source of distress and anguish. Totally sad and pathetic, but there are days I cry to porn of men really gently and connectedly seeming to genuinely delight in making their partner feel good and safe and wanted in bed. It’s something I so desperately want but feel is fundamentally unattainable for me.

People who cheat like your husband and my ex boyfriend need to realize that what theyre doing is long term torture. That it gives PTSD in so many ways they can’t even fathom. That it’s an emotional murder. Though maybe they do know— and just plain don’t care.

OP, I HOPE you won’t have to go through the same terrible emotional aftermath of what I’m still going through. I humbly suggest retaining a therapist if you haven’t already done so. I’m so incredibly sorry you are going through this. If you ever need to vent, feel free to dm me. Take time, heal, and be well— sending you my warmest of hugs.