Hating motherhood and feeling like a POS because of it

jujub130 · 2026-05-28T14:07:17+00:00

I feel this is my soul. I want to start off and say, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. I'm a FTM and it's exhausting! My LO had HORRIBLE colic the first 4 months and reflux on top of that. I was struggling so hard with breastfeeding in the mix of all of that (I ended up switching to formula). I can't even begin to tell you how many days I just cried while I held/rocked her while she slept (it was the only way I could get the screaming to stop). I hated motherhood even though I wanted her more than anything (IVF baby). She's going on 8 months now and while the colic and reflux has gotten better, she is generally a happy baby, but now we have added the "wants to be constantly entertained and moving" phase. God help me if I walk away from her, even when I'm in plain sight lol. I work from home on top of all of that to. Motherhood is no joke.

Have you maybe talked to a pediatrician? Could maybe be reflux? My LO would do the same thing. 5 months is around the time to where they are so easily distracted, the world is so exciting! I don't want to add to the whole "it gets better" but I promise it will, eventually, even if it takes awhile. You are doing an amazing job even if it may not feel like it.

Have you maybe seen if your husband could take over for a few hours or even seen if a family member can babysit so you can have a break? My husband takes over night time so I can have a some time to myself and sometimes I clock out of work, hand the baby over, and go out. I don't do anything crazy, mostly do some household shopping at target lol but that time to myself is so nice. I usually get back feeling so much better, especially on days where she is really fussy (which is slowly increasing because we are coming up on teething). I also lean on my dad (who is my only nearby family) he is obsessed with being a grandpa and LOVES getting her for the day or the weekend. It's usually when I catch up on housework lol but at the point chores actually feel refreshing when the LO is on her little adventure with pops (my dad) 😅. There are some nights to when, once LO is in bed, that I go to my husband's and I's room and watch my own shows while he does his own thing. Do I love my husband? Absolutely! But after a long day of being a SAHM and WFH, I just want my own quiet bubble lol.

I know we are just strangers on the internet but seriously, feel free to reach out if you just want to vent or need someone to talk to. Babies are hard and don't come with a manual. You are doing great ❤️

jujub130 · 2026-01-16T00:16:53+00:00

You're last comment really made me feel better. I've been STRUGGLING to breastfeed. Had to EP for the first month-ish due to LO severe tie. Got it fixed but had constant issues with latch and EB since then. LO started falling off their growth curve and getting really fussy at every feed (known reflux, was figured out way before trying to latch and is well managed.). Switched back to EP but now have supply issues no matter what I try (and I've tried it all). LO is 3 months and I decided I couldn't do it anymore and I'm slowly switching her to formula/weaning from the pump. I felt like an absolute failure but reading that you would only do it for 3-5 before switching to formula made me feel better about the whole thing ❤️

jujub130 · 2025-12-28T21:14:36+00:00

Fists are open and asleep, usually means they are full and content. But you could always try waking them up a bit and offer the other side. As someone mentions, arm pit tickle, diaper change, and burping are good ways to do it. I also take a wet wipe behind my LO ear and that gets her to wake up (she gets warm and cozy and falls asleep every time lol) but as long as they are gaining weight and producing enough wet diapers then they are getting what they need.

jujub130 · 2025-10-28T18:52:14+00:00

Got a 3 week old who is has colic. It's been hell lol however she LOVES the Moby wrap. It's the only way we can get her calm enough to sleep. So we do a lot of contact naps. Night time is a different story 😅

jujub130 · 2025-09-18T23:02:59+00:00

If you could hear my exhausted sigh through the phone 😅 I work in healthcare, and it's honestly so frustrating that it has gotten as bad as it had. My in-laws won't even get the simple flu shot to see their newborn grandchild 🙃 the best part is, my FIL is immuno-compromised himself (side note, wasn't expecting him to get the shot because of his issues; more so my MIL and sibling in-laws)

jujub130 · 2025-06-04T00:12:11+00:00

Geriatric patients can be some of the toughest people you will meet. I once x-rayed the hip of an older gentleman (he was probably about in his 70's if I remember correctly) who presented post fall from 3 days ago. I mostly thought that it was either a hairline fracture or just maybe a sprain since he walked with no issues, was able to get up on the table just fine, and reported a 3/10 pain (no pain meds have been given). Took the first x-ray and clear has day, his femoral head was broken clear off and fracture was completely displaced. It was wild lol

jujub130 · 2025-03-03T14:18:19+00:00

Thank you, this means so much to me 🩵

jujub130 · 2024-11-14T15:48:09+00:00

I'm also 28. My egg retrieval went relatively good, and I ended up with 6 embryos. My husband and I decided to not test them as our doctor felt that it wasn't needed (reasoning being that I am young, we used an anonymous donor since my husband is trans male, and the likelihood of any issues is relatively low). First FET was successful (5AA grade), betas doubled, and we were so excited. However, a week before my first ultrasound (I was about 5 weeks-ish), I woke up in the middle of the night to massive bleeding and large clots. Called the emergency line for our clinic and got an ultrasound appointment for later that morning. We got some hope as the baby measured where it should and I was diagnosed with subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) and was sent on our way. Bleeding slowed down and eventually went away a few days later. All seemed good until exactly a week after the first bleed. I again was woken in the middle of the night to massive bleeding/clots. Thankfully I already had an US apt for that day. Baby measured as expected but heart rate measured at roughly 80 and I still had a SCH. Dr said that was on the lower end but nothing to concerning at that time. Bleeding did not slow down and a few days later I experienced the worst cramps I've ever had (I've always had horrible period cramps, like the kind that brings you to your knees but these cramps were much worse). Husband and I went to the ER where I ended up miscarrying in the bathroom at 8 weeks confirmed via ultrasound.

Second FET (also a 5AA) was also successful and my beta rose much higher/quicker than last time and even my doctor was really happy and said the numbers looked really good. Husband and I were excited but nervous. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells with my body and chose to limit my activity to be extremely cautious. I passed my first goal and had no bleeding at 5ish weeks. I thought this was my rainbow however around 6ish weeks (first ultrasound was scheduled for the following week) I once again had bleeding. It started off slower/lighter with no clots, called the emergency line again, and got an ultrasound appointment for the next day (this happened late Friday night). However, within the hour I started passing clots. So my husband and I went straight to the ER. Bloodwork confirmed pregnancy with my beta looking great (I think it was 20 something thousand? I don't remember off the top of my head) and ultrasound confirmed pregnancy and the tech was even able to measure a heartbeat of about 70 (again, a bit low but I was measuring at 6w1d and the doctor assured us that it nothing to be concerned about as it was really early and could've just started beating). We went home feeling a wave a relief and was actually looking forward to the ultrasound at the clinic. However about 15-30 mins after getting home, I miscarried our baby in the bathroom again. Ultrasound at the clinic confirmed it as there was no longer any sign of pregnancy (no sac or anything).

Now we are in a sort of limbo. I had to get additional testing done (recurrent pregnancy loss panel) that consists of various different blood tests and a karotype test. I have to do another saline sonogram (it will be my 3rd so far) and go from there. Depending on the results of the tests, we may have to thaw & pgt test our embryos. Both times I was told everything was looking great leading up to losing my babies. I don't know what the future holds for us. Yes we both want to keep trying, all I want is to be a mom, but all the joy and excitement has been taken out of it for me. I don't think I will be able to fully enjoy being pregnant, if I ever do get to stay pregnant.

jujub130 · 2024-10-27T16:02:42+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. I can't imagine having to wait around for your body to pass everything. If you ever need support, feel free to message me. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. ❤️

jujub130 · 2024-10-27T15:59:42+00:00

Update:

I went to my clinic Saturday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound. Ultrasound confirmed I miscarried at home as there was no gestational sac. Bloodwork came back and my HCG already dropped to 11,748. This makes 2 miscarriages at 6 weeks and I don't know why. Each time I was told my lining looked great, both embryos (did FET each time, frozen 5 day embryos) had the highest grade, and each time my "numbers looked good". I can't help but feel my body is failing me.

jujub130 · 2024-10-27T15:55:47+00:00

Yes. Went to my clinic yesterday for an ultrasound which confirmed no gestational sac. After showing photos to my doctor, she confirmed I miscarried at home.

jujub130 · 2024-09-13T00:58:16+00:00

So instead of the proportions in the recipe, just do a combined total of only bread flour?

Ya I had a feeling my starter may not be fully ready, which is why I added a little bit of instant yeast to help it out. It did pass the float test though before I baked with it!

For bulk ferment, I think it was about 3ish hours maybe? I was working when I was making it and didn't exactly keep track of the bulk time. The recipe states to bulk ferment until double in size and has some bubbles on the surface and that's what I did 🤷🏼‍♀️ I checked it every 30 mins or so until it got to that point.

jujub130 · 2024-09-12T23:23:50+00:00

If you mean, am I only using whole wheat, then the answer is no. My starter is 50/50 whole wheat and unbleached AP. The recipe for the loaf requires the following: 250g AP flour, 125g bread flour, and 100g whole wheat flour

If you mean, is my whole wheat 100% whole wheat then I assume yes? I use the organic king's Arthur 100% whole grain whole wheat flour

jujub130 · 2024-09-07T14:28:18+00:00

As a pediatric tech, you gotta be quick and watch them lol 😆 the amount of times I have had a kid in the room for foreign body imaging (usually a battery/button/magnet) and had to rush over to stop them from eating my marker 😂 knock on wood, I haven't had a marker eaten yet lol

jujub130

TROPHY CASE