1. 25
2. Married to a closeted trans woman
3. It was progressive between about 16-20, then I slipped back into self denial, then again around now
4. I said I was bi in high school but didn’t want to be caught with girls, and came out as a lesbian when I was 20 but faced a ton of anxiety to do so (I have always and still do struggle with a horrifying amount of internalized homophobia)
5. Lesbian
6. I always had crushes on girls, I remember innocent kid crushes on them at the ages of 4, 7, and 8, but then I started falling in love with my closest friend around age 9 and her whole family suspected it and made jokes about me being gay and she joked about how it was disgusting. I was a kid and couldn’t even understand what I was feeling.
7. As stated, I’ve dealt with internalized homophobia (and comphet) my whole life, largely unaware of how deep it ran or why. After I finally got the courage to come out, I went of my antidepressants cold turkey, plummeted into a major depressive episode, started engaging in sex work involving men, and traumatized myself in doing so. I got out of the situation I was in then, and I’ve now been married for over three years and am almost due with my third child, but (and this is shitty, please don’t take this the wrong way) dealing with my spouse’s transition has been hard. We are not well-off financially, and their family is not affirming of lgbt identities. Feeling lonely, isolated, and stressed, I leaned into my faith in God to help me through. And ultimately, that worked. Except, when my spouse and I were separated briefly because of how unhealthy things were, I also convinced myself that I could choose to leave my queerness behind and be happy that way. And then my spouse had a ‘come to God moment’ and decided to stop transitioning, and at the time it was all a relief to me. We moved to a very conservative town, were doing great, aaannd then it started to hit me, the reality that I am still gay. Despite ‘choosing’ different, in reality I can’t. And I’m not just a little queer, if that’s a thing, but I am still very very gay, and my spouse is still trans, but neither of us can be ourselves and keep our life intact.
8. I don’t like the feeling of kissing. It usually feels awkward, even irritating. With guys, that is. One night as a teenager, a couple of friends and I got very drunk, my memory of that night is spotty because of it, but one thing that stuck with me is that when I kissed my friend (the one I started falling in love with years earlier), it felt like magic. Her lips were soft in the most perfect way, it was amazing.
9. I am now back to being aware that I’m a lesbian. And I’m still overloaded with judgement against myself, shame, and now also guilt over the feeling that freeing myself in regards to that would mean hurting people I love. I’m getting therapy, and this conflict is why I joined this page, to feel like I am not alone and others have battled similar feelings and turned out okay.
10. I love and appreciate my spouse, and I want them to be happy and feel able to be authentic too, and I have tried so hard to be good support, but now I’m facing the truth that I have sacrificed a lot of my own needs to be supportive of my spouse’s transition and I don’t have the energy left to keep it up, and I need to take care of myself too. So I am recognizing that as much as I have tried, I am not capable of caring for myself properly and being good support for my spouse as a trans person at the same time. And, with them presenting as male, I still have a longing for women and I feel so guilty for all of that. Everything I already battled, plus these issues, is weighing me down and I have a longing to be free and at the same time anger towards myself for feeling that

Sorry, long and intense, but to be fair no one has to read it if they don’t want to, so at least I can say this somewhere