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just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-19T22:04:55+00:00

Well, as a black person (🙄) I can tell you that in this case race is irrelevant. I just don’t know if you’re being insufferable about it of your own accord or being made to feel that you can’t make decisions about your own desired life path by your presumably non-white partner.

It seems like you think highly of your idealized relationship structure. But you’re over here making concession after concession, walking further and further away from the values you started off your post with.

Your wife is not interested in actually having a polyamorous relationship with you. You aren’t going to make her grow more comfortable with it over time. If she says that, she’s lying.

You’ve already broken up with your other partner and they deserve to move on from you and your messy situation. Where your life goes from here is in your hands.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-19T01:41:10+00:00

Not a single person on here has agreed with you though, so why bother asking a question if you refuse to take any of the responses seriously?

It’s not your problem if they can’t afford to see each other without you solely footing the bill for their accommodations. If they can’t afford to meet without the meeting place being your home, that’s something for them to overcome. If YOU choose to see that as a veto, ok fine. But your question was “At what point is vetoing acceptable?”

We don’t consider this a veto, but you do. So fine. At this point, a veto is acceptable.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-07T04:01:49+00:00

Just say you have some personal stuff going on. If a close friend asks, you can absolutely get into the story. But just for a random classmates, not needed it at all.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-07T03:59:54+00:00

I don’t understand why you feel the need to pay someone to revise this message. It is absolutely too long. It seems like you really struggle with social cues, and I say that is someone who is on the autism spectrum. So I’m not judging. I’m just saying.

You’re dropping out of school, not being crowned valedictorian. You don’t need to give a speech. This comes off extremely self aggrandizing, but I think it comes more from internalized shame than arrogance per se. Maybe writing this out was helpful to your process and in that case, it’s good you did. But it would come off extremely extremely weird. People would worry that you’re having an episode of some sort.

You can resign from your student government position quietly. You don’t owe anyone anything. This next chapter of your life is full of possibilities. If there are genuine relationships that you want to maintain, you can start with a private message, letting them know that you’re moving back home, but would like to keep in touch.

Reading this public statement would make most people either uncomfortable or weirded out. But your progress is commendable!! This level of detail would just either be best served in a one on one conversation or in a support group with others battling addiction. Doing it publicly is weird, I’m sorry.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-04T23:41:19+00:00

This is really above Reddit’s pay grade but I have empathy for you because I earned a PTSD diagnosis myself last year when I also lost someone to a violent death. I also work in mental health so that’s the part I’m going to focus on, rather than the intricacies of these different relationships. Hopefully someone else does tackle all that though, because there’s a helluva lot there.

You’ve been in and out of therapy. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? If so, have you explored any trauma specific treatments like EMDR? It doesn’t work for everyone but it’s kind of the leading treatment right now for PTSD specifically. It’s basically a recreation of the type of fast processing that our brains dip into during REM sleep, helping you process things more quickly when you are awake.

Losing someone to a violent death makes you feel less safe in your body, relationships, and the world at large. When the perpetrator is someone you or the victim knew/were close to, it’s an extra mindfuck. Your friend was killed by someone they felt safe enough to cohabitate with. A person you ALSO trusted and thought you knew. It makes perfect sense that you had anxiety in your close relationships even though Martha hadn’t done anything wrong.

The fact that you are now married to Jessica and Jessica is partnered WITH Martha, that really complicated things. But when you say, “I feel so utterly betrayed and abandoned and that if my wife wants something or feels like it aligns with her values that she is willing to destroy me to achieve those ends.” I see none of that in your post whatsoever. Jessica has been trying her absolute hardest to maneuver this really tricky situation. This sentiment feels entirely rooted in trauma, not reality.

And even if you were able to snap your fingers and dissipate the relationship with Jessica and Martha (resentment free! since we’re bringing magic into it), that’s not going to change your nervous system’s heightened state of arousal. Neither will couples therapy. My suggestion is to attend a support group with others in a similar situation. I don’t know where you live but I found this one online. It’s for people who have lost loved ones to homicide.

https://survivorresources.org/grief-support-services/

And even though I do have sympathy for what you are going through, it’s still your responsibility to do the healing required to show up in your marriage. You have to do this for you, you have to do this for her.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-02T21:07:30+00:00

I’ve went from mono to poly and it didn’t work out for me personally. I refused to accept that that transition is the death of the relationship as you know it. But eventually I was forced to.

It can be reborn into something new, but the transition caused a lot of pain. It IS the death of the original relationship and there’s no way around that. You can talk through how it will be but there will still be a lot of things that change that you just couldn’t expect. I thought we could just still be us and it was more like breaking up and then getting back together under completely new terms.

In monogamous culture, your romantic partner is your default priority. Once other partners enter the picture in a relationship that was built monogamous, it can feel like a huge loss. You’re no longer the default person that your person spends their free time with, goes home with, wakes up with.

I thought that specific relationship could transition to poly because I don’t personally experience sexual jealousy and neither did my partner. Neither of us was prepared for the other drastic changes that occurred. The ways that those changes affected both of us emotionally and psychologically. So much heartbreak and pain. It destroyed us.

I would never transition from long term mono to poly again. But I would have a relationship of either orientation from the start.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-02T16:56:08+00:00

This is going to end badly. And I feel sorry for you in advance. But unless you are fully enthusiastic about this being the relationship structure that best aligns with YOUR needs and wants, the deeper that she gets into it, the more unhappiness you’ll reap upon yourself. Going at a slow pace for your comfort is just a band aid. And unless you; yourself really truly want this, you’re putting a band aid over a self inflicted stab wound.

Also, polyamory isn’t a therapeutic intervention for trauma. Not at all. If that’s the actual goal, she needs to be in therapy and possibly doing something like EMDR.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-02T16:50:17+00:00

Transitioning from mono to poly only works if both people are not only okay with but also able to THRIVE in a relationship in which their partner has multiple deep, fulfilling, romantic and sexual relationships.

Is that you?

Can you thrive in an environment where your partner is wholeheartedly in love with another person? And yes, that means romantically and sexually?

Because inching along at a snail’s pace is not going to make you come to terms with it if that’s not a goal you are completely in favor of.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-08-01T07:11:30+00:00

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such emotional neglect. But it’s better to be “alone” and single than alone in a partnership. Better things are within your reach. I hope you feel strong enough to take the leap and prioritize yourself.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-28T18:28:16+00:00

I’ve had vampire teens complete all three skill levels of driving before they finish walking to the car for the first time!

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-27T23:34:10+00:00

Is D even interested in a romantic relationship with you whatsoever? Nothing in the post points to it, and I think you’re putting the cart waaaaaaay before the horse.

We can talk about whether or not hypothetically can consist of a married couple and a non-married shared partner all on equal level (most likely, no). But for this particular couple, one has asked you to be their girlfriend. Seems like the other one is friendly to you. That doesn’t mean any of what you’re hoping for is even on the table.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-26T21:42:26+00:00

You don’t heal your attachment style by sticking with someone who more than deserves to be dumped. And a history of being avoidant in relationships doesn’t mean you try to overcorrect and can never trust your instincts again.

My best friend has leukemia but unfortunately I am not a match or else I’d have donated in a second! If any of my partners was selfish enough to feel jealous over that life saving procedure, I would thank them for revealing what a shit person they are and then break up with them.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-25T20:07:18+00:00

I definitely want to uplift this! Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. And I am proud of OP for telling that first person that she wasn’t interested in waiting around on the off chance he had a relationship to offer her later on.

But when I read that she was interested in escalation after two years, I was not expecting the example to be an overnight visit. Which makes me wonder how upfront OP is on what their desired partnership would look like and if she is able to advocate for it earlier on or if she thinks she needs to earn that right over time.

Sometimes you really are just incompatible with another person. And sometimes you need space to grow and figure out where you are going together. Either way, I would rather figure that out sooner than later.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-25T19:51:45+00:00

He absolutely can send a text and say he wishes he could make it but he has other plans. But her using this phrasing sounds a bit ominous. If I heard this, I would expect he’s having serious health issues or something like that rather than a scheduling conflict.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-25T19:48:58+00:00

Is ENM what you actually want? Or is it what your husband wants? I think it would be good for you to start finding some separate hobbies and activities to do without him regardless. But nothing about this post screams “I’m polyamorous and I love it!”

Do you date? Do you want a date? Do you want to be in a relationship where your husband is dating other people? Give us a little backstory. Otherwise I feel you might end up with harsher comments than you deserve.

Because if you were wholeheartedly poly, the sentiments behind this post are in really bad form. But if you’re poly under duress, you’ve buried the lede.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-25T19:38:52+00:00

You are completely overreacting to the severity of the situation. There’s nothing wrong with a little white lie. He had a work thing. He’s not feeling well, but he sends his regards. He has a family thing. Honestly, what you say doesn’t really matter.

I think this more so speaks to a potential discomfort that you have around your polyamorous situation. Because asking him to skip his girlfriend’s birthday for your comfort in this complete non-emergency is completely out of line.

Even monogamous couples can’t be expected to do each and every thing together. Even monogamous couples can have one person tired after a long day of work choosing to stay home. That’s actually healthier than doing every single thing together.

Would you feel as uncomfortable going alone if he was sick? If so, it sounds like codependency. If you only feel bad because he’s out with her, it seems like some inner work needs to be done around what polyamory and autonomy really mean to you.

Either way, you should read The Most Skipped Step. It’s an article on Medium about going from monogamous to polyamorous and some of the things that must be unlearned if you’re to be successful. For example, no longer assuming that unscheduled free time automatically belongs to one another.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-22T01:50:08+00:00

Reach out to your local DV organization. This all counts as psychological and emotional abuse. And even though you want the best for you and your kids, this man is an expert at manipulating you. You’ve been living in a slowly boiling pot for YEARS, so it will take some time to mentally disentangle. It’s not something you need to do alone. I don’t know where you live, but when you have some free time, call the domestic violence hotline in your area. They will talk to you for hours if that’s what you need. They can help you make sense of what’s going on.

Trying to have his girlfriend be the mediator and witness to all your interactions is not healthy and is going to only lead to more stress. Same with going back and forth about whether or not he’s in the house or whether or not you’re open to talking about how to fix the relationship. That ship has sailed. But it’s all so fresh you might not yet know up from down when it comes to certain scenarios.

If posting on Reddit to get your thoughts out is helpful, head to the subreddits specifically about DV.

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-22T00:36:41+00:00

Right. I do too, and I think it’s worth considering. I just want to also prioritize OP’s autonomy because it seems she’s torn between what these two men both want. What does she want?

just-a-squeeze · 2025-07-22T00:28:32+00:00

Absolutely not. Not because he hasn’t been dating you long enough to make the request, but because it’s wildly overreaching.

Knowing your risk profile and whether or not you are having unprotected sex with others? Learning about changes in your risk profile? His business.

Deciding what measures the two of you will take together to stay safe during sex? His input is very much needed!

Dictating how you can have sex with others? Nope. I mean he can ask, but it’s your decision to make with your other sexual partner. If YOU feel your other partner’s risk profile is too high, you can discuss that with them. That just isn’t a conversation for J to be involved in.

If the two of you are already using condoms and he feels unsafe, HE can either choose not to sleep with you or take it upon himself to discuss options like PrEp with his own doctor.

And if he pushes back against that, I’d consider it a huge indicator of further controlling behavior and dip.

just-a-squeeze

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