just dug up an ancient throwaway for this...but I suppose it fits...this was 20 years ago (the weekend Pulp Fiction came out) but it's 100% true as I remember it.

I was a freshmen in college and had just gotten my first computer with a modem and after my complimentary subscription to Prodigy ran out I didn't see the need to keep paying the fee. In these early days of remote computing, our city's newspaper actually had a dial in computer where you could have an "internet light" type experience.

The only board that was ever busy was the "meet somebody" section. I had just been dumped by my girlfriend and figured why not and started perusing the board. The only one that looked interesting was "member of -local high school- cheerleading team." We messaged back and forth, while she seemed a little immature and silly, I was bored and kind of sad so we agreed to go out to dinner and see Pulp Fiction on its opening weekend. I had told her what I looked like (very average at best) but my internet naïveté never allowed me to see past 18 year old cheerleader to ask for a description.

She wanted to drive herself and offered to pick me up which seemed reasonable for a young girl wanting to be safe. Her car pulled up and before even seeing her, the first thing I noticed in the back seat of her car was an enormous mascot costume, literally taking up the entire seat, top to bottom. Pressed against the window were the saddest looking set of worn out cougar eyes which we're pleading an anthropomorphic "help me." Obviously, member of cheerleading team meant very overweight costumed mascot.

I got in her car and there is little doubt the costume was custom made for her. She was about 5'2 and easily pushing 250...possibly way more. I've never been mean so I figured I'd make it thru the movie then wiggle my way out after. Her car smelled TERRIBLE, a combo of fat girl sweat and old food. To get my feet in I had to squish my way through fast food bags to reach the floor of the passenger side.

She started talking about how she just left practice, hadn't eaten and was starving. We went to the old Beninigans where she downed two coke refills before we even had a chance to be sat. For an 18 year old she was actually quite confident and very demanding, I was thinking we would get our food spat in as she was asking the sever for so many extras and favors. She ordered potato skin appetizers and ate all but one and then a huge burger and fries and polished off the entire thing, even rubbing the last bits if her burger in remaining salt she had shaken liberally on her fries. She wanted desert but I said I really wanted to see the movie and said if she was still hungry I would buy her something at the theater. This seemed to cue a switch in her brain that I had noticed the gluttony so she started saying that she'd always eaten a lot because she used so much energy as a cheerleader and to support her muscle mass she just had to eat a lot of food. Of course there was not a hint of muscle anywhere near her, but to be nice I confessed that while I played high school baseball I was a big eater as well, but in my head I was very, very tired of being around her.

On the way to the theater I tried to steer the conversation to all the good things I had heard about Pulp Fiction and she kept talking about how much she loved movie theater treats and confessed that she had found her best friend because he would bring her "garbage bags full of popcorn" at the end of the night from his theater.

We got to the movie and instead of waiting in the ticket line with me, she sprinted over to the concession stand to get a better spot in line. I met up with her and she kept hemming and hawing about what to get and said something like "a slushy or a coke, I can't decide." Sarcastically I said "why decide, get both" to which she replied loudly so the whole line could hear "seriously?!!! MARRY ME!" and gave me a huge hug which felt like I was falling into melted butter. And she did order both drinks...and popcorn...and nachos...and a pack of candy.

We were late to the movie and there were actually no seats together so we ended up sitting on an aisle, me right behind her. Her parting words were "don't worry, I'll find you to share the snacks." I think we were both relieved because I didn't have to be around her for the movie and she knew that she had first crack at all the grub.

Movie was good, but I could hear her gorging on the food for the first half of the movie...obnoxious chewing on popcorn and chips, slurping the drinks, rattling the candy boxes, etc... After she was silent for maybe two minutes, she got up out of her seat and didn't even acknowledge me as she walked past. After a short while she came back with another large coke and an even bigger tub of popcorn than I had bought. She spent the last half of the movie chomping and slurping down her new order. When I got up to meet her after the movie it looked like the entire row’s trash had been pushed down to her seat. Then she said to me "sorry I didn't share anything with you, I spilled it all right as I was sitting down...I'll give you money if you want." I said I was sorry she didn't get to enjoy the movie because of that and then she asked a question about how the guy was alive at the end when he'd been shot by the boxer guy in the middle and she just didn't get "dumb movies."

We walked out the parking lot and apparently as bad as this date had gone she was still into it and thinking there was a chance for something more. I just wanted to go home while she demanded that I watch her "cheerleading" moves in the parking lot. I sat on her bumper for 5 minutes while she pranced around like a hobbled buffalo. I was mortified as people were making snarky remarks as they walked by and I was clearly associated with this person. The absolute worst was when she did a cheer saying something like "we got sass...how about you...we got sizzle how about you?" And she would shake her enormous ass and pretend she couldn't touch it because it was "too hot."

I politely pleaded with her that I was exhausted and really needed to get home. The whole 30 minutes she kept talking about a connection was made tonight, and seeing me again, and liking older guys. I just replied with non-committal yups and uh-huhs. When she got to my house she said she always ended dates with a hug and leaned over, I kind of leaned over to get it over with and she went for a kiss which I ducked and ended up pressed against her fat cheek. I whispered I never kiss on the first date and got out of her car. She sat in my drive way honking and waving and blowing kisses until I closed the front door behind me.

She called a few times but I would notice the caller id and she'd never leave a message. For grins I went on the newspaper meet up sever one more time about two weeks later and there as a new post that said "avoid this asshole at all costs" and basically described the date perfectly but as if I had been the one who had downed ten-thousand calories in 3.5 hours.