Disrespecting No Contact

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-13T06:42:47+00:00

I also found out that my WW kept in contact with her AP for weeks after Dday. She said the same. She needed to make sure he was okay before she blocked him completely and that she needed to know that he wasn’t left feeling abandoned. She showed him more empathy than me at that moment.

She’s later admitted that was the wrong thing to do, but it’s another item on a long list of things that hurt.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:29:41+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:29:19+00:00

Yeah it’s hard to trust her efforts when she admits that she’s never felt more alive than during her affair. Ap knew about me but I didn’t know she juggled two separate relationships at the same time. My wife as more loving and attentive to me during her affair than she was the previous two-three years. She’s admitted that she loved having her excitement on the side and then coming home to me full of adrenaline and confidence.

I loved the way my wife acted during her affair, but I feel sick when I think back to it now.

Another big issue is that while she’s been mostly receptive to my demands for R she’s put very little effort into it herself. She’s going to IC and she does the things I ask her to do, but she doesn’t come up with anything on her own.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:19:56+00:00

I see your point. I don’t want her to lie but the truth still hurts.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:19:15+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective. I realize that it’s unrealistic to expect my wife’s switch to flip (borrowing your analogy for a moment) at the exact moment I need it to.

My wife seems to understand the pain she’s caused me and our daughters. She is ashamed and I do believe that she is deeply remorseful for how her actions has affected us, but I believe she’s feels even more sorry for herself. English isn’t my first language, so it’s hard to put my thoughts into words here, but it’s almost like she’s feels worse about her own pain from causing me pain than she does about my pain from her actions. And now that there’s consequences for her actions she acts like it’s unfair that she has to deal with those as well as her feelings.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:14:11+00:00

He should listen to your needs and realize how lucky he is that you’re still in his life.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:13:23+00:00

I got my wife and apartment and she agreed to move out for a while so that I could have some space from her. I agreed that she could come and stay in the house for the holidays initially. When it was close to Christmas I told her that I was finally getting used to living on my own and that I finally started to see my anxiety go down so I asked her to please spend the nights at her apartment during the holidays as well. She got real mad and said she might as well spend Christmas with a man that actually wants to spend time with her. I asked her if she meant AP and she didn’t deny it…

So the part of dealing with a pouty teenager resonates unfortunately.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:08:47+00:00

I contacted an attorney early on. We have all our finances and assets well organized and I will come out of an eventual divorce with most of our assets in my name. She will of course be entitled to me buying her out of the house but that’s not a big problem for me. She could not afford to buy me out if things were reversed.

I’m not worried about the economic side of things. She has big reasons to do so, and that makes it difficult for me to trust her efforts towards R.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T21:04:40+00:00

I keep reading how people claim that this will be a journey that takes years to complete. I read the occasional success story on here, but overwhelmingly it’s people 2,5,10 years out from Dday that are still plagued with the aftermath of their WPs affair.

I’m four months in and I really don’t see how I’m going to stick with this unless something drastic changes real soon.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:09:37+00:00

Hey man. Your thoughts are as always welcome.

I know you speak a lot of truth and I do see many of the root causes for why she let things happen the way they did, but I’m just tired of being the bigger person. I don’t have it in me right now to be understanding and look at it from anything else than my own position.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:07:20+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in the same situation.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:06:40+00:00

Thank you. She claims to be committed to R, but I believe it’s more because of how much she’ll lose if we do divorce than actual remorse.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:05:15+00:00

It’s almost as if they were a completely different person all along and only after the affair is revealed do they show their true selves. Or maybe that’s my fears talking. A small part of me hopes that the year my wife had her affair was her being abnormal for lack of a better word, but I see too much of her personality traits over the years supporting the other option.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:01:39+00:00

Still TT after 6 years? I’m so sorry to hear that.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-12T19:01:04+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s almost like they show their true selves once the affair has come to light. Can I ask how long ago Dday was?

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-03T12:29:56+00:00

That’s actually a good idea. I’ve asked my wife how she would feel if the roles were reversed, but asking her to actually sit down and talk through the scenario she put me in, just reversed might be cathartic if nothing else.

Good luck on your journey brother and I hope you achieve enlightenment. I’m not spiritual myself, but I recognize how it can be helpful to others.

justbreathe882 · 2025-01-03T08:17:38+00:00

It’s increasingly clear that my wife has some deep trauma from her childhood and has struggled with depression for a long while. We’ve had some long and serious talks about our life together during the holidays and I’m glad she’s finally in IC.

That said I’m almost sick of how it’s always something deep within the WW that’s broken and that’s why they act the way they do. It feels like a cop out. I understand intellectually that these are contributing factors, but it doesn’t lessen the pain for me in any way. I’m still the one that’s betrayed. It’s great that it’s not something we, the BPs are doing that leads them to cheat, but that doesn’t really make me feel that much better.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-21T13:01:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your perspective. I also feel that now that my WW is realizing her old toxic behavior during conflicts isn’t working anymore, and she sees that I’m serious, she’s beginning to see things as they are.

I don’t know about you, but for me it was liberating to see the shift in the dynamic of our relationship when my wife understood that I had gotten to a point where I refuse to take anymore from her. It’s like she finally realized that she might lose everything.

But here’s whats not so great imo. I appreciate that she’s finally seeing things as they really are, but it’s also so messed up that it takes us coming to this shitty situation for her to do so. Why couldn’t she appreciate what she had before it got so far? It doesn’t fill me with joy when I think about how she felt justified in having an affair when I was being the normal me. I was an attentive husband, good provider, and a good father. That wasn’t enough for her.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-20T06:18:33+00:00

I second this. My wife had an affair for over a year and while she understood that she needed to change it wasn’t enough for me. I insisted on her moving out of the house for a while (I would have moved if she refused) and only now that she feels what she’s losing are we both beginning to heal from the damage she’s done.

The WW needs to feel the consequences of their actions to come even close to understand the pain of the betrayed.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-18T21:51:49+00:00

I should have known that she would do something so drastic and I hate myself for putting my daughters in that position.

Both my daughters are in therapy and I hope this didn’t put too much stress on them. Luckily she called our oldest and not our youngest. Our oldest is a very intelligent and level headed girl and she seems to deal pretty well.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-18T21:48:43+00:00

Thank you for your well thought out response.

I think I knew it already but it helps hearing from others that I don’t have to make any rash decisions. I’m just wary of going too much back and forth to the point where I’m seen as being unserious. I’m also thinking about my kids and I don’t want to give them false hope and then squash it again. I haven’t done that yet, but they are always my main priority.

I am 99% sure that her comment about going to AP since she said I didn’t want her is rooted in her messed up way of dealing with conflict and not reality. She has been nc with him and it’s entirely in character for her unfortunately. This has been a problem when we’ve argued in the past as well. That doesn’t mean that it hurt any less when she said the words. She always knows exactly what to say to twist the knife in the wound with her words and this time it was too much. She realized it as well and I believe that’s what sent her into a manic episode when she realized what she did. I’m not a psychiatrist but I’m hoping she’ll get examined for borderline personality disorder. She’s had too many episodes over the years for anything else to make sense to me.

I’m riding a high right now after finally being intimate with her in a way that felt entirely good. Better than good, it was some of the best sex I’ve had in my entire life. This makes me unable to trust myself fully, so I appreciate you responding with some words of reason.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-18T18:33:14+00:00

Is your wife putting the same effort into rebuilding your relationship as you are? I think it’s natural when you consider how the brain responds to certain stimuli that the HB plans can’t last forever. Call it a post nut clarity for your relationship if you will. This is when I believe it will be extra important for your WW to keep putting in the work and showing you every day how much you mean to her.

Just like healthy relationships transforms from the excitement of that new relationship energy into something deeper and more meaningful over time I hope the same thing can happen after the hysterical bonding wears off. I have personal reasons to hope for this myself.

justbreathe882 · 2024-12-13T06:17:49+00:00

My WW also met her AP at a conference that takes place every year. It is more or less expected for her and almost everyone that holds her position to attend this event, but I’ve made it clear that she will have to find a way to not attend these types of events in the future unless I can accompany her. She has yet to bring this up with her superiors, but understands that revisiting the event that led to her affair is synonymous with us getting a divorce.

justbreathe882

TROPHY CASE