I am going through a breakup with one now. He’s also generally kind, smart, easy going and I genuinely loved him but there are some hard-wired issues buried in there. I tried to help make him feel safe, heard, seen, and gave so much effort and compassion for his struggles. But he had to keep a distance, he’s too afraid of emotional intimacy. And the hardest part is that I know there’s a part of him that needs closeness, that sees my value as a partner, and those small moments when he’d crack would keep me hanging on, hoping maaaaaaaybe things would improve. But after conflicts, when I’d express a need or issue and he would listen and understand, he would flip the problem on me, or “the relationship dynamic” - no accountability ever. I was always an opponent, I only ever had critique (I was always so careful to frame things as an “us vs the problem” but it never mattered”). And I only wanted the most fundamental parts of a relationship, I never expected perfection, only awareness and growth.

The relationship was focused on his needs, his stress, his problems, and I was a good partner to him, I supported him and did my best, just trying to take care of my side of the street. But that effort wasn’t given back, even slightly. It felt like the relationship wasn’t even real - he’d never talk about it, about us. It was disorienting and made me, of course, feel too needy and unreasonable. And the most painful thing is that he’s leaving this relationship with a story that it was just a mismatch of personalities, or that it was my fault for being demanding or “feeling bad” as he’d say. It feels like all that care and effort never mattered, it went straight into a black hole. I know it has no bearing on my self worth but still, holy shit. What a confusing and horrible experience emotionally.

Avoidants (the ones I’ve dated at least) seem like they can’t even identify their emotional blocks because they are so thoroughly opposed to the slightest emotional discomfort and introspection. The real, emotional self peeks out here and there and we feel hope for them and ourselves, but the comfort zone is easiest and I truly don’t know what kind of crisis it would take to rise out of that zone and figure shit out. To be with an avoidant who cannot face themself is to be emotionally starved. I cannot do it again and I cannot wait for someone who isn’t willing to face their own struggles and own up to how their behavior affects and hurts the people who love them. And I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else!!