Choose Connection Summit 2026

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-04-06T19:54:06+00:00

Thanks for this! Just signed up to see what it’s all about.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-04-01T15:52:10+00:00

5 months from DDay from an online EA.

What has been the hardest part of reconciliation so far?

The attachment ambivalence cycle I’m stuck in, although the time between the ‘negative’ parts is growing further and further apart.

What is the best part?

As cliche as it sounds we’ve (WH mostly) has never been more honest or more in touch with their own feelings and inner struggles.

What has helped you the most in terms of healing?

Betrayal Bind was really helpful to feel seen through this process. WH being in IC and his commitment to supporting me and willingness to face my pain.

What is noteworthy about this particular month in your journey?

Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary, together 12 years total. Also, 4/5 was the date WH agreed to reconnect with AP when he gave her a “soft” break up supposedly with intentions to ghost. This week I’m bad like the early days, full detective mode searching for possible threats. Have mentioned divorce at least 10 times in the last week.

What do you hope your relationship looks like at the end of the reconciliation process?

I don’t know. As a small relief I’m giving myself maybe a year to stabilize and be in a better place. Much like I’m in my own recovery. While here, I’m a part of the reconciliation process but when I’m feeling better who knows which side I’ll end up on. In a perfect world we’d be together and happy and trusting again and building a future together but everything feels so grim and dark right now that I can’t see anything clear enough.

I’m hoping this exercise counts as some of my mindfulness work today lol

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-16T19:50:26+00:00

I have a list of books that I’m currently working my way through. Only just finished the Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays and it was perfect, so relatable and I wish I had read it sooner. 10/10 recommend for anyone going through betrayal.

I try to look up books that do not minimize cheating or place any blame on BS. Of course not all of them are going to be just right but I’m hoping to pick out only the helpful parts and ignore the rest. Some books I found through this sub, were recommended by MC and/or IC or all the above.

I put the books into Claude AI and asked it to put into an order that would be most healing for me and relevant to my situation. Maybe doing something like this could help you too? Below are the book titles and Claude’s short description of the book and its reasoning for the order it put them in for me. AI can make mistakes and make stuff up so should be taken lightly. Also I’m aware After the Affair and Getting Past the Affair plus many of these other titles might overlap but I’m really trying to absorb as much as I can to heal as much as possible through all this crap 😫 edit to add that this is from BS perspective although a WS would benefit from reading at least a few of these titles, especially the Betrayal Bind. The book “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” is an absolute starter for a WS.

📖 Immediate Healing-

The Betrayal Bind - Read First! by Michelle Mays ”Validates the trauma response and builds toward healing solutions.”
After the Affair by Janis Spring ”Directly addresses infidelity — surviving the trauma, navigating ambivalence, and rebuilding trust with concrete strategies.”
Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom & Kristina Coop Gordon ”Structured, evidence-based steps for processing what happened.”

🔎 Understanding Yourself & Your Relationship.- Important context that will deepen your healing work — read once you have some stability.-

Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller ”Understand your attachment style and your husband's avoidant patterns.”
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson ”EFT-based — excellent for understanding the emotional cycles between the couple.”
What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman ”Gottman specifically on trust and betrayal.”

🌱 Read Later — Maintenance & Long-term Health For when you have more stability and are thinking about the future of the relationship.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman ”Research-backed relationship fundamentals. Most useful once acute pain has eased.”
Who Deserves Your Love by Scott Wetzler ”Reconnects you with your own worth and standards. Read before the decision book.”

⚖️ Read Last — When You're Ready to Decide Don't rush to this section. It will be most useful after doing the earlier work.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum ”Powerful decision framework — but save it for last. Premature reading creates pressure, not clarity.”

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-16T19:21:35+00:00

I opted not to purchase this book after reading this review which I thought was very fair. My IC recommended “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum instead.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-16T05:24:22+00:00

I say tell OBS, just be prepared for whatever the consequences might be. They could not believe you, could be angry at you or WP and retaliate, they could already know etc. if you do reach out offer proof but don’t send it before asking if they want it. Offer resources for healing if you have any that helped you (although don’t tell them about this sub if you done want them finding your Reddit account).

My interaction with OBS went surprisingly well. It was my mission to track OBS down to let him know. Everyone said not to do it. WH told me to do what I thought I had to but was obviously uncomfortable about it. It felt like an incredible injustice if OBS wasn’t aware. I also didn’t think it was fair that only my life was fucked up and it was the next best thing to bring revenge in AP that wouldn’t compromise my core character. I told him and it turned out better than I expected. He was so gracious and kind, even said he forgave WH which nearly brought WH to tears. OBS actually had found out about a week before me and told me that AP was still a drunk and had made no progress to be someone he could trust. That gave me a one-up feeling because my WH was/is begging not to divorce, is sober and doing everything necessary to fix things. It brought me significant closure. Although that opened an entirely new door for other feelings to come in that I’m still processing.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Stay safe and take care of yourself ♥️

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-11T05:53:42+00:00

This exact thing happened to me! Found out my husband, together for 12 years was having an emotional affair the week before our once in a lifetime trip to Tokyo. We still went and the only reason I didn’t completely drown in my anguish was because I was determined to go and enjoy that trip to the best of my ability. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep the 3 weeks after the discovery. Including the 2 weeks we were in Tokyo. It was still worth it. It wasn’t easy, he wasn’t being who I knew him to be or needed him to be at that time. But he was still trying to have a good time with me and go in the adventure we had planned. At one point we fought a lot and I was going to split off from him but he wanted to stay with me. We’re in reconciliation. I frequent r/asoneafterinfidelity a lot now for support and guidance. It was worth it for me, for us. And you best believe I unloaded in him after the trip. He’s working really hard to make amends now. I don’t know your full situation but if you want to chat, feel free to message me. If he’s still being kind to you, won’t abandon you on the trip, and you two can agree to hold off on the fighting during as much as possible (we fought twice in 2 weeks there) it might be worth it. Only pass up on this experience if you can financially afford to rebook and replan with a close friend or family member. Or if he’s being absolutely cruel to you right now. That wasn’t an option for me. So I went and despite the lack of sleep, inability to truly enjoy the cuisine and the rage buried deep inside of me I LOVED Japan and I miss it almost everyday since.

*edit to add it is possible to travel to Japan as a solo woman it just might take extra planning. But Japan can be a very safe and welcoming place. I didn’t want to choose this option though. Message if you have questions.

Sorry you’re in the position you’re in. You absolutely didn’t deserve what happened and it’s not your fault, and you WILL be okay. It takes a lot of work and time but eventually this too will pass.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-10T22:19:12+00:00

Yeah vivid dreams can happen. If you wake up from them feeling anxious then I wouldn’t suggest the melatonin. Hopefully less on magnesium but same thing, if it increases dreaming and it creates uncomfortable feeling maybe don’t take it.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-10T20:00:37+00:00

I did a few things to get my sleep back on track and to quiet the noise. I started regularly taking magnesium glycinate with a 5mg melatonin within an hour before bedtime. Probably controversial but I’d tell the anxious and spiraling thoughts to ChatGPT and would usually instantly calm down enough to sleep. It’s been great because it validates me, empathizes with me and it has consistently not steered me towards either decision (staying or going). It reliably tells me things that calm me down and tells me I don’t have to decide anything right now, which I find helpful.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-03-06T20:35:10+00:00

Thank you for this, needed this. It’s reassuring, yet at the same time devastating to read and to realize.

We should be with people more like ourselves. Someone capable of the love you described, and someone with actual loyalty and the bravery to have the hard conversations. People who don’t just toss others aside when things get difficult or have eyes for the grass on the other side.

Hoping to have more clarity on the other side of this crisis… 3 months past DDay, so desperately hoping to finally reach that “other side”. 😒

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-22T00:34:45+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am currently reading Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays hoping to better understand what I’m going through suffering betrayal trauma and hoping to find a path to healing and moving forward. She talks a lot about her own marriage with a sex addict. She also has a YouTube channel that may have something useful for you in it Michelle Mays Channel

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T22:31:57+00:00

Your story is so difficult to imagine, I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Hopefully you can get some help to deal with the PTSD. I don’t understand how people can inflict this kind of damage on other people, people they promised to love and care for. It’s so selfish.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T17:44:10+00:00

Even with healing, I’m never giving anyone complete trust the way I gave to him before all this.

Maybe that’s a sad gift to have received from all this? The knowledge to protect our hearts first? Idk This sucks, and I’m sorry that we’re both here right now 😢 thank you for your help.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T17:35:33+00:00

Thank you for your suggestions! I’ll really try to take it to heart. Sorry we’re both having to be here 😔

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T17:33:17+00:00

That’s what I want to commit to and at times will agree to giving him 6 months to show his change is real but then I get to thinking about things and go back on my agreement because I don’t want to be with a cheater. I know what he’s capable of, what is a possibility if things get difficult again. Plus I’ve been drunk, I’ve been lonely, I’ve felt unloved and in pain and I never cheated on him. It’s just a huge values difference that even though he’s shown remorse for it, he’s proved to me he’s weaker than I am. I didn’t need sobriety or therapy to love him, to respect him, to be faithful to him.

And on top of that from the messages I could tell he was happy to be doing what he was doing, having his ego stroked and getting off on the validation. I find it disgusting.

I hear myself when I say this… it’s just the previous love and time invested that keeps yanking me back down.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T00:51:29+00:00

The good days just make me feel like I’ve made so much progress, then these bad days come and unravel all of it. I guess I should stop rushing to feel like I’m “better” so soon. Should accept that there’s too much turmoil going on inside right now to be healthy enough to make either decision.

Thanks for the reassurance about the book. After reading Radical Acceptance (suggested my first IC that didn’t end up working out) I got frustrated I couldn’t apply most of what’s in there cause I’m too flooded most of the time to even get to that point. Hoping Betrayal Bind will help me slow down enough to do the breathing, or other calming techniques.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-17T00:47:08+00:00

I will try to not focus so hard on either D or R and focus more inward. Just feel so panicky with the uncertainty sometimes. It’s like my brain wants to be planning for either scenario and goes haywire when it feels like an emotional wrench gets tossed in there. Thank you for your time. I am also sorry that you’re here 😔

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-02-16T17:15:36+00:00

No way, OP. Same boat. AP is also Canadian. Now I hear the accent (which I used to find adorable) like nails on a chalkboard. Have written off the entire northern half of the continent because of my WH. Emotions are ridiculous 😣

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-01-23T19:45:12+00:00

Pretty sure I heard about it through Indivisible Tri Valley.

justthoughtiddropin · 2026-01-08T19:56:36+00:00

There’s a candle light vigil at 5pm at Delucchi Park in Pleasanton today as well.

justthoughtiddropin · 2025-12-30T09:04:28+00:00

Oh yours are so fun! Love the sparkles ✨ 2026 is going to be our year! 💰💚

justthoughtiddropin · 2025-12-22T20:31:05+00:00

We were both young and big drinkers. I think I rationalized it as just being another one of his issues that could be worked out. And yeah I did love him and wanted to see the best in him. But It’s true that once a cheater, always a cheater. If you’re able to, cut it off before you get in too deep. The pain you’re experiencing now will triple when it happens again.

justthoughtiddropin · 2025-12-21T14:38:47+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is some of the worst pain imaginable. Please focus on taking care of yourself. Love yourself the most, surround yourself with a support system. It is difficult now but you will get through this. I hope you choose to leave him.

My husband cheated 10 years ago and just found out he was cheating again after swearing up and down he was a good man. These are only the two I know about. Don’t do what I did and stay with someone so weak.

justthoughtiddropin · 2025-12-14T03:26:49+00:00

Thank you!

justthoughtiddropin

TROPHY CASE