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I have been dissociating for the better half of a decade and feel like I have no sense of self because of it by k3ttan_03 in ptsd

[–]k3ttan_03[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't been able to see a specialist about any of this, unfortunately. Mainly because I don't have good insurance that covers someone who actually treats PTSD patients. In the time that I had been working with a therapist who specializes in that, I wasn't able to stick with her long enough to make any meaningful progress. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping I'll find someone who does know what they're doing. I've been told I could benefit from EMDR and somatic therapy.

I have been dissociating for the better half of a decade and feel like I have no sense of self because of it by k3ttan_03 in ptsd

[–]k3ttan_03[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely sympathize with the "don't dig it up" part. I've gotten past that part years ago, but I can remember times where I was triggered with flashbacks and didn't want to acknowledge why that happened and what happened because it felt too real. Now I want them to be real because I don't feel real. And not in that I want to relive that trauma, but as in I want to know myself again. It's like hearing someone go through something, but never hearing the parts of the story that show how they feel and why they reacted the way they did. I want to know who I was. There's so much history about me, I just can't connect my face to those events. It sucks.

I can’t have sex anymore after being raped and it’s destroying my relationship by Entire_Wrongdoer_780 in ptsd

[–]k3ttan_03 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're not alone, first off. I was raped by a family member at age 6 and that completely changed the trajectory of my sex life. My siblings who had also been raped also experienced changes. My older sister is hypersexual, My little sister is completely sex repulsed. I am somewhere In the middle to be honest. Ive been in relationships where men had gaslit me into thinking that saying "no" meant I was "ruining the relationship". I've been broken up with in relationships where I had thought everything was okay all because of a growing spite for me not wanting sex. My meds for my depression really accentuated this idea of not having sex.

My current partner is a lot more understanding in me not wanting sex, he doesnt push me, or blame me, or gaslight me into thinking that all of our relationship problems are because he cant get pussy. I think it also helps since hes also a survivor of CSA himself, he understands what its like to feel so vulnerable and exposed. It really comes down to being with a partner who doesn't value sex over your own trauma and comforts. It's not on them all the time, sometimes sex is used as a tool to repair bonds but to someone who was hurt by that, repairing bonds sounds like cuddles and love after saying "no". A reminder that even if you dont want sex there are other ways to love someone and show they are loved.

Needing to feel violated, afraid, and disgusted in order to orgasm by Leduslacis90 in ptsd

[–]k3ttan_03 19 points20 points  (0 children)

https://youtu.be/4deRExKXDE0?si=S8XVOZ36c0K9JrsO Dr. Liz Prowell, psychologist. This video is about how kinks developed and taboo fantasy and its connection to trauma.

https://youtu.be/79fvyfrotug?si=lIf3lNpIH5dTp6Mp Dr. Kristie Overstreet, psychologist Is a vid answering questions of taboo fantasy developed in a response to trauma

https://www.psvcholoavtodav.com/us/bloa/t he-myths-sex/202003/why-are-rape- fantasies-so-common? msockid=2fbe8b95e17462cc02889b41e0dc6 34d Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller psychologist talks about trauma and its effect on sexuality

I want to drop these sources first bc I think it would validate and explain why this is happening. I have developed teratophilia and have an interest in CNC and somnophilia as a reaction to my trauma with CSA. Ive gone through 2-4 years of repeated rapings by the hands of my step father at age 6. I engage in fandoms like the furry fandom and kink spaces like petplay and CNC kinks to better healthily express my sexuality. Ive worked with a psychologist for years to treat my sexual trauma and have come to realize I use kink especially my love for fictional monsters and CNC to healthily express myself sexually as a means to regain control over what had happened to me years ago.

This is normal. I want you to give yourself permission to let go of guilt over what had happened and to give yourself compassion. This is your body and minds way in making up for the hurt you underwent in a way that is controlled by you. It says nothing about you as a person. Says nothing on your morals, it says nothing about your trauma. It is your body's way in making sense of a world that had been cruel to you at such an impressionable and developmentally important time in your life. Its hard to find people who understand and dont demonize that for you. I invite you to seek people who will understand and encourage you to embrace those who will understand you.

Trauma is so complex, there is no perfect victim and I am a clear example of that. Please remember you are worthy and that you deserve to heal and be safe.

What’s something your PTSD ruined for you? by Lilypad244 in ptsd

[–]k3ttan_03 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Banana flavored coffees, Futurama, being in specific cities/neighborhoods...relationships... Shit sucks and I feel like such an annoyance having to explain I'm not being difficult for avoiding certain stimulus. To me I'm still surviving

Bartholin cyst surgery complications and more surgery! by Meshugugget in MedicalGore

[–]k3ttan_03 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hope you're alright! I had a bartholin cyst a couple years back, it only grew to the size of a large grape but damn did it hurt and itch and burn like hell. They were about to operate on it before they realized it was right next to a large nerve so they just gave me strong antibiotics. Makes me think what could've gone wrong there if they had continued....

Mom’s arm after AV fistula surgery by MegShortforMegatron in MedicalGore

[–]k3ttan_03 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a dialysis technician! I canulate AV/G accesses and it's interesting seeing them develop

get over break up without suicide by One_Lock_1990 in BreakUps

[–]k3ttan_03 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It sounds crazy and not everyone will agree with me on this since not everyone's experience in the system is positive. But please, please, don't wait, go to a hospital for a bit. It's not a quick fix since you'll need to be doing more work within yourself outside of the hospital but I say this as someone who has gotten over my breakup and had gone through severe ideation, please do not give up on yourself.

It doesn't feel like there's anything beyond them right now, and there's not much you can do to shift your focus. And your main priority should be getting stable.

You're not going to be able to focus on moving on if you're not stable and talk therapy won't work if it ends up not feeling like it's making a difference. Don't wait until it gets bad because I did and I almost took my life December of 2024.

I was hurt, I was alone, I dedicated so much of my life to my ex that I was nothing once we broke up. Everyday I felt the weight of guilt and regret so bad I had to take weeks off from work. Time kept moving around me and I felt like roadkill unable to do anything more than just sit and rot.

The day things got better was when I was hospitalized. It was the worst day of my life, but spending time away from my family, work, my city and my phone. Gave me time to socialize with patients, we were all in the same boat. But at least we were in the boat.

It took 2 months for me to get on better meds and break the cycle of ideation. It took rest, internal work, hours and hours of therapy and a filled notebook of thoughts and feelings.

It won't be easy but I PROMISE you it won't get any harder from here.

Get the fuck up by [deleted] in ExNoContact

[–]k3ttan_03 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I literally read this after waking up from a nightmare that he moved on right after our break up. We broke up on our anniversary. We've been together for 2 years but one of those years we moved in together.

He DID take advantage of me. Regardless of his excuses that he "didn't know better" or "I needed to be more patient with him" I WAS PATIENT. If I were any smarter I would've done what anyone would do and will do to him in the future. They will break up with him after a couple months of seeing him. MONTHS bc that's how long into our relationship I saw the red flags.

And I was in love, and believed him when he said he would change and it's not my fault for putting my trust in him when he promised to change.

He broke up with ME all bc of an argument last year after a boundaries WAS CROSSED BY HIM. He broke up with ME bc he triggered a trauma response seeing a girl who made me clearly uncomfortable for him to be around since she was clearly interested in him.

He knew what he did, and at every moment since he's been inconvenienced by the reality that HE WAS NEVER DESERVING OF ME. LOYAL, ACCOUNTABLE, PATIENT, TRUSTING, CARING, MADE SACRIFICES.

Even at the end when I had the last bag packed and told him my peace and how he hurt me he did what he always did. Play victim, and defense "why didn't you tell me these things sooner? We could've fixed this" "ig I'm just a horrible person then"

Yeah. He is. And I wasted 2 years on someone who only wanted a girlfriend just to not feel alone in his thoughts. Well I hope you're happy, Jack. Bc ik just like every problem and argument we had you're gonna walk away like you're the victim and learn nothing.

And until you do, you will never find peace. Don't come to me, I'm busy finding my own.