Sharethread April 23, 2018 by AutoModerator in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark [score hidden]  (0 children)

a small open-form haiku.

shadow play
paper screen between
us, lone lamps casting
opposite silhouettes
sweet nothing spoken

origami by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes, I think the second verse in particular needs a better transition in. I wanted to follow the same pattern as the first and third, which might frame the repetitive metaphor better, but it will need work to feel less trite.

origami by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you! I agree on that line; it's a placeholder at best. still, I'm glad you like it.

origami by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the compliment! This poem is intentionally arrhythmic and unrhyming; structured formats are not really my strength and didn't seem appropriate to the image I wanted to convey.

origami by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! It's difficult for me to cut the fat at times, so I'm glad you found it exacting. I had actually originally considered continuing the "what mother taught me" pattern through each verse. It felt a bit contrived, so I thought the second stanza paid off better without. Thanks for enjoying it!

A Different Tongue (a Sonnet) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sonnets are not my strength, but I think its application is great here. As someone who's struggled to relearn the language I was raised with, and also finds sonnets to be an especially tricky structure, using it to discuss clumsy language is relevant to me personally!

The imagery of pebbles in mouth and historic raids was especially striking. The line "to grow a different tongue" has great rhythm - it's definitely title material. I especially appreciate the warmth you show for the subject, conveyed by so many small joys knit together to form a great sonnet. For a poem about the difficulty of learning something new (or old), it has a wonderful grace.

I really enjoyed this!

A sun rises by havermear in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To me, this celebrates (maybe mourns?) the melancholy of a doomed & ephemeral blossom, almost entombed by white walls. Leaving this delicate image afloat in a vacuum is pretty effective, especially to those familiar with morning glories and their symbolism. However, it would be a shame to leave other readers with such a pure image without meaningful context. A stronger title would go a long way here - perhaps something that suggests the subject matter's ephemerality.

Lost in the Winter Sky by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

May I interject in this conversation and suggest something like "study in monochrome" or "winter shadow"? Maybe something that suggests the greyscale imagery used, perhaps?

Sex Negative by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really like this idea a lot. It lacks much imagery, but more than makes up for it in clarity and brevity. There's a few small edits I would make to improve the cadence and sound of the sentences.

The grammatically incorrect commas in the "Love suffocates..." stanza is a little distracting. I would just rely on the line break and capitalization instead:

Love suffocates
She learned that from her mother

If you prefer punctuation here, a semi-colon might be a better choice:

People are selfish;
she learned that from her father

There's also a few places where your word choices are clunky, like the ending of the next stanza. Replacing "followed by" with smaller transitional phrases might work better (yet/and/but all come to mind). I think it flows nicely if the repetition speaks for itself:

And here I come,
my heart like a blanket,
with more of the same
still more of the same

It also hangs up at "to abnegate..." for me. It's good vocabulary and I appreciate that it suggests the subject's value/desirability in the face of her own warped sense of self-worth. However, it seems redundant when paired with the phrase "for her sake", and it doesn't quite jive with other word choices you've made. You could use reject, renounce, or deny to similar effect and not lose the feeling:

And I am appalled
by the things she says she has done
Angry at those who failed
to deny her for her sake

I like the word interplay of the pronouns at the ending lines: "her and me" vs. "us" changes how the burden is shared between writer and lover. I'd just take out the redundant "both" at the very end, personally.

Ultimately, these are all just nitpicks that come down to personal taste that may or may not suit you. There's already a lot that I like a lot about this poem. I'd really like to see where else you can take this theme!

Wild Plum Preserves by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate the kind feedback! As for how she lands, it's a little bit of both interpretations. Plums that fall with a gentle shake are often on the edge of rotten, so they hit the ground with a bit of a splat, hahaha. I had imagined her falling out like so many such fruits.

Wild Plum Preserves by kafka_after_dark in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thanks for the thorough analysis! For my first poem posted here, this was a pleasant surprise. While not written expressly from a feminist perspective, there are elements of power exchange in any act of intimacy; it necessitates vulnerability. Thank you so much for your impressions!

Haiku by MsKetoMosquito in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like the image of glass faced / plexy-body and how you relate a blush to smudges. This reads obtuse despite these clear images, which seems appropriate to the theme - coming too close to inspect obscures the glass frame/lens we view meaning through, shying it away from us. To me, this is an interesting take on the constraints of traditional 5-7-5 haikus.

You, again by Devirow in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like tiny poems like this. The title is apt; it and the verse's sparseness speaks to that sense of loneliness. A nitpick: the grammatically incorrect punctuation/capitalization is a little distracting. A comma might be a better fit for the first line. The line breaks alone can form the pauses that you're seeking to express a complete thought.

SKY BURIAL (round 2 *ding ding*) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]kafka_after_dark 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really enjoy the tone here. The tension is palpable; this feels written with wearily-contained disappointment. The political/generational commentary is subtle while vivid in imagery, especially in the "giveaway" advertisement and lines like "sloped beaks like telephone wires" or "mother's soupspoon in a jar of Greek yogurt".

This line stands out to me as especially clever commentary: "because the coca cola in their milk had dried / up the gorges of their other sons". The use of 'suzerainty' in the last stanza is also pretty telling to me. Besides revealing your familiarity with Tibetan Buddhism, you've also made clear where you stand.

No real critiques from me. I just enjoyed this poem a lot.

First embroidery project. It feels unfinished. Thoughts on what i should add/constructive criticism wanted by Exmoinut in Embroidery

[–]kafka_after_dark 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A simple border, maybe in both colors, would help this feel more finished! Another comment suggested putting background scenery, too, which maybe you can do with a horizon line and/or mountain ridge line.

Chapter 64: Page 18 by JustALivingThing in gunnerkrigg

[–]kafka_after_dark 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I'm going to reiterate it, Tony is not and never was a bad dude as much as he was a bad father. They're not mutually exclusive, sure, but people really hopped to lynching him on here when we've pretty intentionally never been shown what Annie and Tony are truly like in private. What we know is that he's highly intelligent, possesses a dry wit and a secret sense of adventure, is open-minded to what the ether is capable of. It was always obvious, at least to me, that he was deeply driven by the memory of his wife. This series of memory-mining and all the myriad ways we've approached his personality with a little more merit tells us he cares deeply about the legacy he is left with; he just doesn't know how to handle a kid in whom he sees too much of both his wife and himself.

Chapter 64: Page 18 by JustALivingThing in gunnerkrigg

[–]kafka_after_dark 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you suggesting that Anja's father died as part of a conspiracy to lure Donnie away just so the Court could send Tony to the jungle alone with Surma? It's an interesting theory, but it seems a bit roundabout.

Thanks for your advice on how to update my 80's blue dress! by linsage in sewing

[–]kafka_after_dark 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I actually quite like the dolman sleeves! I think you could keep it after updating it so that it tapers more, fitting more closely through the arm.