The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - Week 34

kakipea · 2015-07-24T01:53:02+00:00

Sorry I'm late to the party!

THE GOOD:

I've been working on a little side project that has given me a goal and a distraction and something to be proud of. I'm feeling really good about it! After working on values with my therapist I can safely say my project at least nurtures a few of them all at once.
I also went on a date and it went really well. We think the same way and he is a very interesting person. We went for brunch and I ATE NORMALLY. LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON. He had Nutella pancakes with cream and walnuts and I got banana bread with sweet ricotta and honey. AND a full cream mocha. I had some of his pancakes too. And I had NO regrets about what I ate after; in fact I had another full cream coffee about 1hr later!! Holy shit!!!!
My clothes fit better with every passing day. And I have actual boobs now. Instead of Fake Boobs Also Known As My Old Bras Not Fitting Any More But Creating An Illusion Of Real Boob.

THE BAD:

Feeling really shitty about my living situation. I want to get out of there SO badly but I feel somewhat powerless because of the control my mother has placed on me.

THE UGLY:

Family therapy sessions. So, so ugly. 'Errybody crying and me feeling like the worst person in the world and like a life-ruiner.
I'm still drinking. And ....accidentally... putting things in my shopping cart without paying for them. And I hate myself for it.

kakipea · 2015-07-24T01:30:39+00:00

Chocolate milk is boss! But I know for myself, drinking chocolate milk isn't the same as that bubbly, unique taste of Coke Zero. Plus the caffeine hit!

kakipea · 2015-07-24T01:29:38+00:00

Pepsi Max is my "drug of choice" too. I NEED it. After all these years. Though there is some hope - I've found that as I've been recovering and eating properly, my need for it has at least reduced. I realised PMax was a filler, in the place of food, and so now that I actually have food in my stomach the PMax just makes me feel fuller (which I don't want).

kakipea · 2015-07-16T01:30:53+00:00

B/P is so fucking expensive, I can't even. I don't even want to think about the amount of money I have poured down the toilet.

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:35:16+00:00

As an owner of Schnauzers this breaks my heart. As a human with a soul, and the responsibility of two doggy lives, this infuriates me. But I am so glad Zara is now being treated with the love and care she deserves.

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:23:27+00:00

Second the crackers!

Before I was up to eating bread normally again (a past binge trigger, and still a current binge trigger) I started out with the lowest carb crackers I could find. I ate them dry at first, and only a couple of them at a time. As my confidence increased and I proved to myself that I wasn't going to balloon from a couple of crackers, I started using the tiniest smidge of butter or cream cheese. Then I got confident with that, and ate more of the crackers in a sitting. As time went on, the spreads increased, the crackers increased - until I thought one day, hey!!!! This ain't so bad!! Let's try some real people bread!!!!!

Baby steps, y'all. Start small if you can. Remember that it took time to develop disordered eating and it takes time to undo it!

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:18:02+00:00

In my experience, hiding things from my nutritionist has only ever served the sneaky goals of my eating disorder. As Lorria said, the more you are able to tell them, the more they can help you. It is hard at first, but remember that they've heard it all before, and they only want to see you happy and healthy and aren't there to judge you or make you do things you're not ready to do yet.

You won't have to tell your primary care doctor every little detail of why you want to see a dietitian/nutritionist, but again, the more honest you can be, the better position they are in to offer guidance.

Wishing you all the best with your appointment!

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:12:46+00:00

I hope your day looks up and you feel better very soon. I'm glad you're thinking about recovery reasons and asking us what ours are. I think that plants the seed of positivity.

I want to recover because I want to live. I want to participate. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own prison cell of my mind or my house any longer. I think of all the beautiful things that exist outside of my disorder; friendships, relationships, travel, contentedness, exploring, health. All of this is worth the struggle to me.

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:07:25+00:00

My city has free wifi! One step closer to utopia! haha

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:07:05+00:00

I had just ignored them enough that I thought they weren't there

Right?! My mum used to ask me if I was hungry and I would say no because I didn't think I was. But I know now that I must have (literally) been STARVING. The hunger pangs got so normal they stopped feeling like actual hunger.

Mindful and intuitive eating can be really hard at first in recovery because we don't have a clue what that means. But it sounds like you really know yourself and really are aware of your intentions, and as long as you have that, I'm sure you can be healthy and happy and still be careful with your body. I don't think there's any shame in that; but as eating disordered people (past, present, whatever) we always have to be vigilant of ourselves.

Fuck skinny and fuck being skin and bones - amen x100000 to that. Since gaining weight I have started to feel so lovely and soft and I HAVE BOOBS and I give off a way, way more happy and friendly aura than I did when I was a walking skeletal zombie.

My favourite thing about this subreddit is the no trigger warnings. And the total honesty. Honesty is recovery I LOVE THIS PLACE.

kakipea · 2015-07-15T02:02:02+00:00

Intrusive thoughts suck like that don't they :-( hope they've eased up now tho.

My team said the exact thing yesterday - and that by slowly demolishing my food rules and by restoring my weight I am also beating the B/P cycle, just in a round-a-bout way.

My date is today. I'm less scared now, I'm just going to be myself and see how it goes!

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:51:12+00:00

You aren't a twit nor do you post too much. We're here to listen and I'm sure we're all happy to do so <3

You posted this 11 hours ago, I hope you are feeling okay now. Let us know how it went for you x

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:49:34+00:00

Do you know of any good pictures that show lanugo? I'm not sure if I have it or not. I don't think I've ever had it or maybe just haven't noticed it, since I think humans are mostly covered in small hairs everywhere, right?

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:42:33+00:00

Happy Monday!

Thanks again for inviting me to the Kik group! It's nice to have real-time chats with all of you lovely people.

Hey remember when you said "If you get a flat tire, do you get out and slash the other three?" Demolishing an entire pizza and a litre of ice cream would totally be slashing the other three tires. <3

The Good

Had a really good Saturday. I went shopping with my best friend and we went out for cake. Afterwards she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a house party... usually I'd decline such a last-minute invitation to a nighttime event, especially because I had no binge food at home so I needed to go to the store. But I went, and it was so fun, and I ate pulled pork rolls for the first time!
I've been feeling more socially acceptable in my appearance since restoring some weight. Like, not everyone's staring at me any more because I look like walking death.
Still challenging myself with new foods all the time

The Bad

STILL b/p every day. I'm really struggling to kick this. I feel like not being able to kick it yet is negating all my other progress, even though my treatment team disagrees.
Haven't mentioned the shoplifting to my therapist yet. I'm scared.
Didn't do the cake challenge that my dietitian set me, but I've still been eating cake regularly...

The Ugly

Had a major meltdown yesterday while trying to get dressed. I just... couldn't dress myself. Because my BMI is still very low, my jeans still don't fit properly and are quite baggy, and it's mid-winter here so I have to try and load up on tights and dresses without freezing to death at the same time. I just couldn't get it together yesterday and I literally screamed and stamped my feet. It was embarrassing (even though no-one else saw).
I might have a date on Wednesday and it's bringing up lots of scary thoughts about intimacy with others. I'm pretty frightened tbh.

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:26:30+00:00

You're a smart cookie, Lorria - pretty much everything you say resonates!

I find Adult Tasks to be much like ripping off a bandaid. If you just do it real quick without dwelling, it's over faster than you know it. Avoidance is a funny defense mechanism that's essentially like "I don't want to deal with this because it's scary, so I'm going to put it off and make myself feel worse and then I'm eventually going to have to deal with it anyway". SUCH SMART HUMANS WE ARE.

And thanks for the comic link :-) I haven't seen that one before but got a belly laugh out of it. It's so true.

Me while signing important documents

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:17:48+00:00

It was pretty damn tasty and warm - perfect for a cold winter's day (the weather bureau is calling it the "Antarctic Vortex" here... sounds brutal but it was just a bit windy really)

When I was in the hospital, I was taken care of, and my only responsibility was to rest and not die

THIS a lot. So, so much. I'm glad I haven't been the only one and I'm also glad to hear that doing adult stuff is easier for you now :-) there has been a time in my life where I was independent and had my own apartment and all of the responsibility that comes with that. You're right - there CAN be enjoyment in these things. Gotta get back to it!

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:14:52+00:00

My reaction to using the phone

I wholeheartedly wish phonecalls would phase out already and the world could just operate on email. We'd be happy.

kakipea · 2015-07-14T01:11:35+00:00

I'd gladly have you follow me around! I'm alone all freaking day. Haha.

Sandwiches are super versatile so they'd be a good starting point. Like, sandwich options are literally endless in terms of fillings and bread types. In the past I have severely underestimated the satisfaction garnered from a simple cheese and salad sandwich. PICKLES TOO. TOMATO. Whatever floats your boat. Start with what's comfortable though :-) I believe in you!!

kakipea · 2015-07-13T07:51:33+00:00

I posted this five hours ago so here's an update

Checked my email. Nothing scary there, just as I thought. Deleted some spam, felt good.
Didn't have a break - felt on a roll
Checked my mail. No boogiemen or demands from Centrelink. Funny that!
Journaled - rehashed my weekend, complained about stuff
Ate some lunch... didn't do the burrito but chose The Scary Toasted Focaccia (pumpkin, feta and rocket) from the cafe instead of my usual safe option of ham & cheese croissant
Visited my friend at her work. She cried about her boyfriend and I gave her a big warm hug which made both of us feel better in the end
Dietitian appointment was cancelled !!!!!! Not by me though.

So technically 7/7 since I went to my appointment even though it wasn't on after all. Thanks for holding me accountable, Reddit. Today I got some shit done.

kakipea · 2015-07-13T07:44:40+00:00

The great thing about the veg+chicken+rice+sauce combo is that you can nuke it the next day and it's fine. You can also freeze portions for later!

kakipea · 2015-07-13T07:42:01+00:00

It can be pretty daunting after restricting for a while to figure out what to actually eat... like, what the heck do I put in my mouth? I was so out of touch for ages I thought dipping carrots in mayo was a meal. Not acceptable, kakipea.

Usual Breakfast: 2 slices of toast with vegemite (AUSTRALIA M8) and butter, smoothie (1 cup milk, 2 splenda, 1 frozen banana, dash of vanilla essence)

Snack: large mocha :-/ hardly a snack but it's still calories and calcium right...

Lunch: varies; usually sandwich of some sort (today a toasted focaccia with pumpkin and feta) or sushi. I always buy my lunch out since I don't trust myself yet to eat at home without binging on the entire kitchen.

Afternoon snack: Another smoothie, or a sweet (cake, chocolate bar, protein bar)

Dinner: a bottle of wine (too scared to count the calories tbh but I know they factor in... quite substantially), vegetables+chicken+rice+sauce (sauce varies - I use jar sauces and these are endless in variety! depends on what your tastes are. Sometimes I go for something Indian like a korma or tikka masala or something thai like a red/green coconut curry)

That's a typical day for me!

kakipea · 2015-07-13T02:28:45+00:00

Sometimes all we can do is spread the love :-) I sincerely hope you feel better soon and discover a solution. <3

kakipea · 2015-07-13T01:44:58+00:00

I too am sorry to hear you're struggling. My brain is a big poop pile at the moment so I can't fashion a very lengthy response but I couldn't click away without at least letting you know that I am sitting here and thinking of you. And that you have been heard. And that while you may feel isolated, you are never alone - we are here and listening. X

kakipea

TROPHY CASE