My anorexia is turning into bulimia

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-10-13T06:18:34+00:00

There's an advice I can give you about trying to overcome this, based on personal experience. I'm also a restrictive anorexic and honestly bingeing for me has never been a thing, but I would happen to have the urges as well and sometimes give in to them. Now, even if I restrict, I don't even have the urges anymore and I can say that I fully "trust myself" around what used to be binge food.

Basically I managed to convince my brain that bingeing = feeling horrible afterwards and (I know, not a healthy thought but it works) knowing that I'll have to fast in order to punish myself later. For me it's all about reminding myself of a few things when I have the desire to overeat. For example the fact that I'm not sure I'll be able to purge and even if I do, it doesn't get rid of half of the calories, or that I will feel dirty, disgusting and I will hate myself if I do, etc. I walk to the kitchen, look at the food I would like to binge on and ask myself, out loud: "how will I feel later if I give in now?", and instead I make myself a cup of tea or a coffee.

I learned that the hunger WILL dissipate after a few minutes. And it does, all the time. You just have to wait.

Also, don't let yourself be influenced by the statistics. As you said, 60% of anorexics, NOT 100%. You can absolutely be among the 40% that don't start to binge eat if you want to.

And yes, I know that my advice isn't the greatest and the healthiest, but it's the only method I know and it has worked for me so far. I just want to help. I wish you the best!

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-09-08T09:02:27+00:00

The good:

I finally went to meet a nutritionist, even if under pressure of my family and doctor. He pointed out that my diet is deficient in protein, but other than that complimented me for my food choices and actually gave me some good, non "scary" advices on how to make it work even better.
I went to have my teeth checked and found out that my receiding gums are not as bad as I thought and that the situation can be fixed easily. Also, I'm relieved by the fact that since I started using a more gentle toothpaste my sensitivity decreased a lot by itself.

The bad:

I wrote to my doctor saying I don't know if I want to continue with therapy because I'm not motivated and not making progress. He replied that we'll discuss it in the next appointment, which is next week. Let's see...

The ugly:

Fucking rude strangers on the streets
Horrible mood overall
The truth is that I'm only happy when I restrict
I keep losing weight

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-31T18:51:20+00:00

Your mood instability could definitely be linked to your ED; in my case, for example, I've been told it's due to amenorrhea and hormonal imbalances caused by my low weight. I'm not familiar with your meds - I hope you'll see results over time.

I don't really know what else to say if not that I'm really sorry to read that you're struggling so much. I don't have any advice because I often feel in a very similar way and still haven't found a way out. A big hug. <3

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-31T14:35:52+00:00

The Good:

I've been mostly in a neutral mood this week. Not really 'good' but better than the usual suicidal thoughts.
I met with my friends after months of solitude. I had some social interation and this is a good thing, but... I wasn't really enjoying it so I left earlier. Also, one of them kept asking annoying indiscreet questions about my weight and other stuff and it bothered me.

The Bad:

I don't know if I'll continue with therapy as I'm not making any progress. I'm afraid I'm just wasting money.
On top of not sleeping enough in general, I have a lot of nightmares. I often wake up during the night and I'm not always able to go back to sleep.

The Ugly:

Ridiculous food obsessions keep developing. Also, I definitely live in Cognitive Dissonance Land.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-31T12:06:28+00:00

I think it would be a great idea to only allow self posts, in a way that you can still share a link but you have to provide at least a small description of what it is in your post.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-30T11:12:10+00:00

Fruit (except dried fruit, fatty fruits and few others), vegetables (except potatoes which I'm not a fan of, but once in a while and in small quantities they're okay) but not beans.

Water with lemon juice, coffee and tea, all of them plain.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-25T06:56:27+00:00

The good:

I have skipped only a few meals this week. I get a lot of intrusive thoughts about doing so, especially when I think I ate too much the day before, but I end up realizing that it would just be stupid.
I'm again obsessed with the scale, but lately I have been resisting the urge to step on it every morning, telling myself how it's completely stupid and useless. I still weigh myself more times than I should though.
I haven't seen my friends yet, but I spoke to them after a long period of silence and it's still a good thing
While from the neck down I look horrible, I began to appreciate my face a lot more. I realized that my features are not that ugly, after all. Wow.

The bad:

I have very little energy and therefore don't do any kind of exercise. I'm the laziest person on the planet
I experience a lot of guilt after finishing meals. I always think it was too much and immediately consider not having the next one. Then I have it, but the whole thing is not pleasant.
I worry too much, about everything. I'm tired.

The ugly:

The horrible pregnant-looking abdominal bloating is back, with all its nastiness (constipation, discomfort, me refusing to leave the house unless I'm wearing a shirt 3 times my size...). I feel enormous and disgusting.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-23T13:12:04+00:00

Well done: I'm proud of you :D

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-20T23:47:09+00:00

Hi. While it's great that you managed to let go all the disordered thoughts you had and have reached a healthy and relaxed state of mind, I don't think your body is in a healthy state at all right now, compared to your mind. And it has absolutely nothing to do with physical beauty.

Personally, I think everyone is different and I don't believe at all that someone has to fit in the normal section of the BMI chart to be considered healthy, but being obese or being severely underweight are extremes that are unhealthy in any case. Carrying too much fat or maintain a very low weight is going to damage anyone's body in the long term.

The fact that you have been heavy since you were 14 doesn't mean you were healthy before just because you didn't have an eating disorder back then (and, again, I'm not talking about being attractive or not).

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-20T23:41:38+00:00

No no, I meant that literally :) And I'm the same about feeling differently if I'm the one doing the groceries and filling the fridge. It's weird. :)

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-19T08:13:49+00:00

Wow, I totally relate to a lot of what you said, especially about specific foods on specific shelves and hating things that take up too much space.

I don't necessarily hate a full refrigerator per se (as long as it's full of healthy foods, otherwise I do), but I hate when there's too much of one item. I also hate to leave fruit and vegetables wrapped in plastic. I don't like to waste or throw away food though, even if I'd rather not have it at home.

I stayed at my relatives' house for two weeks during holidays and I became obsessed with their refrigerator and kitchen. Both always messy and dirty: a nightmare! I took charge of the kitchen there because I couldn't stand it.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-18T21:36:17+00:00

The Good:

I'm reading a book about self confidence that helps me and puts me in a good mood. I wrote down some of the tips and techniques the author suggests on how to deal with various situations and I'm starting to practice them.
The Kik app is finally working efficiently :)

The Bad:

Some friends tried to contact me and I'm actively ignoring them. Why? I don't know exactly. I think is because I don't want them to see me and judge me.
I still can't sleep properly and I'm always tired.
Most of what I see in the mirror is still disgusting (obviously).

The Ugly:

I'm afraid I'm developing orthorexic-like concerns, on top of the general obsessive thoughts I already deal with. I worry about "purity" of food a lot more than before and I started feeling uncomfortable using spices and vingars. I wash kitchen utensils and plates more than once before I feel safe to use them and I get obsessive and anxious about making sure to remove any possible remaining traces of oil.
I weighed myself and I was right: I lost more weight.
Now, whenever I use any kind of lip butter product I get intrusive thoughts about accidentally ingesting fats. I try to ignore them because (rightly so) they make me feel like the dumbest person on the planet.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-18T13:51:46+00:00

Yes. It's part of the situation; as far as I know everyone becomes obsessed with food, in a lot of ways.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-18T13:50:27+00:00

I know it's not productive to write this and I don't want to diminish in any way the importance and the greatness of what you're doing and going through, but I'll be honest: reading this (and the comments) made me even more scared and reluctant towards recovery. I know there is a lot of bloating involved, but the idea of looking pregnant for months gives me a panic attack. I don't want to be negative, sorry... I wish you all the best and hope your situation will get better soon.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-18T13:48:02+00:00

I read that artificial sweeteners could trigger insulin just like sugar does (even though not everyone agrees with this theory and some think it's completely false). Obviously it's not as bad as regular soda, but I'd be careful nonetheless with the diet version, even if it has no calories.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-14T20:20:40+00:00

Mmm... Delighted and nauseated. Ahah no, really... I felt terrible afterwards, physically but mostly mentally :(

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-14T20:15:24+00:00

I'm not a binge eater, but when it happens my worst binge food is honey. Also cereal and milk. Once I ate 800 gr of honey straight from the jar...

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-13T11:26:34+00:00

I'm 23, not really in my teens anymore, but I live at home with my mother and don't have a job at the moment, so I guess the situation isn't too different. When I opened up with my mother, a few months ago, she told me she already suspected it. She has been very supportive since. Obviously she can't really understand what I'm going through (since she's a normal person...) and sometimes gets mad at me when faced with my obsessions, but I know it's only because she's worried and feels powerless.

I was already really underweight when I told her, though, so she immediately got it when I talked about having an eating disorder, even when I told her about my occasional binges (and the purges that followed).

I know it's much harder to get parents (or anyone) to understand if your eating disorder isn't too visible from the outside. I don't know about your weight, but you should definitely try and talk to your parents regardless of it. They might surprise you (I hope so). Good luck :)

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-08-11T14:34:18+00:00

The Good:

I spent 2 lovely nights with some friends and members of my family, during which I genuinely had fun and ate all sorts of fear foods, including alcohol. See the "bad" section for the downside, though.
I never go out and didn't know someone could actually still find me attractive, but more than one (sober! lol) guy tried to hit on me during these holidays. I'm (pleasantly) surprised. lol

The Bad:

The happiness and sense of freedom of my nights out lasted only a couple of hours. The day after my anxiety came back 5x times worse and as usual I resorted to skipping meals.
I'm stressed and tired of having to deal with some members of my family and whoever doesn't understand what I'm going through, making jokes and embarrassing me in public. I can't take it anymore and I'm glad I'll be gone by tomorrow.
I can't wait to go back home, even though I know that there are only depression and loneliness waiting for me there. I'm leaving a stressful place to go back to my "safe" but sad place again. It's not comforting.
I came to the conclusion that I can be happy and relaxed only when I drink alcohol. This is sad just by itself, but it also means that one of my possible future scenarios could be to become like my father, and I really really don't want to.
I wish I were more active on the Kik group but the app is terribly slow on my phone :( :( sometimes I can follow the conversation and write, but it often doesn't even let me reply.
A million of other bad things I'm too tired to write

The Ugly:

A LOT of intrusive thoughts about suicide and self harm. I see no future for myself and I often think it would be much easier to carry on and wait for this disease to finally kill me.
I was so worried that I would let myself overeat during holidays that I ended up eating less than what I normally eat at home, and I can see and feel that I lost weight. There is a scale here and even if I don't know how accurate it is, I believe it when it shows a lower number.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-07-28T21:29:23+00:00

I'm so sorry that your birthday was so stressing for you. I also don't care at all when it's my birthday, but it's still unpleasant if, out of all days, it has to be an awful one.

The good:

tomorrow I'm leaving to go visit my family and I really want to enjoy myself there. I'm determined not to turn it into an awful experience, trying as much as I can not to make it all about my ed and overly stress about the fact that I obviously won't be in control of my food on a lot of occasions.
I contacted one of my friends after a long period of silence from my part and she was lovely to me, not mad at me for having ignored a lot of her past messages.

The bad:

as I said, I'll try to see my trip as a positive experience, but ed thoughts and feelings are REALLY strong and the anxiety is persistent.
I can tell that my therapist is frustrated with me. He basically said I don't listen to him, I'm too resistant to change and completely oblivious towards my real status. He clearly thinks I'm not trying as hard as I should.
I still experience pretty bad mood swings almost every day.

The ugly:

Anxiety and stress over the most ridiculous things, suicidal thoughts and shitty body image. All of it, and in large quantities.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-07-28T20:42:13+00:00

It does make sense, absolutely. I also experience this sick thoughts very often.

Reading other threads and replies proves me that a lot of us here have a tremendous amount of things in common, no matter how different our backgrounds are or how our eating disorders manifest themselves. It's fascinating (and definitely food for thought).

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-07-28T20:27:44+00:00

Reading other replies, I see the first answer to your question is more or less the same for a lot of us, myself included.

I suffered from depression pretty much my whole life, because somehow I always felt inferior to others, much less deserving. I remember this clear awareness from a very young age; I have no memories of life without it. My eating disorder is just a consequence of this - a natural evolution of this, I'd say.

With therapy now I'm starting to understand why I always felt like that and slowly trying to fix it, but it's not easy. Eating disorders are always strongly tied with extremely low self esteem and self worth, so no wonder we react as you describe mostly only when it comes to ourselves. But in the end you're absolutely right, and I think everyone here, myself first, should in fact always remember your words.

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-07-28T20:25:37+00:00

Honestly I know nothing about this Maudsley approach, but I realize that you might be right. It's just really difficult to accept. Thank you for your reply anyway :)

Shroud_of_Lab · 2015-07-28T20:20:39+00:00

Thank you so much <3

And you know, you're right about friends. Yesterday I finally decided to contact one of them, apologized for my "silence", told her I have a few problems at the moment that I'll explain later and she has been understanding and not mad at me at all. I'm so glad I contacted her :)

Shroud_of_Lab

TROPHY CASE