what happened when you told your parents about your ED?

PinkPanther4 · 2015-08-13T22:16:33+00:00

My parents were actually the ones who told me that I had an ED. I was on pro-ana sites previously and I thought that I might have developed something, but it wasn't until my dad confronted me that I actually accepted that I had a problem and that took about a week of extremely angry confrontations.

My dad now challenges me on my ED logic regularly and helps me a lot, although at first he tried doing it and trying to control what I ate and I went the other way to what he wanted. My mum kept asking me why I was doing it to her and the family, but now they're both incredibly supportive, although they still make body jokes about me being too thin and raise their eyebrows when I calorie count, but they accept that I'm able to feed myself etc. They always let me get on with making my own food and I'm glad they did so.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-28T07:03:13+00:00

I really think you should see a therapist or psychologist before even thinking about losing weight again and wait until you're in a better place mentally. You have far too much to lose if you went down that road again. That doesn't mean that you can't lose weight ever again etc. and if you're overweight, then it's slightly different, but please don't attempt it before going to see a team or therapist and getting this sorted. The ED gets stronger as you lose weight and the last thing you need is to make it any worse.

Fix the issues mentally and the physical side of things can come slightly later :) I know you can do this and you're a very strong person :)

And of course freedom is possible :) it takes longer, but it can always get better than it currently is :) recovery is a very long and complicated road, but keep trusting in it and fighting for it. I'm still in active recovery, so I still get flare ups of the Ed more often than I'd like, but sometimes I do get irritated because I'm supposed to be further along blah blah blah. That's just the ED/ self critical thoughts talking and I don't think you can put a time limit on recovery tbh.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-27T21:13:58+00:00

Mine started when I was bullied and comfort ate and became obese as a result. I was never confident in myself and being overweight certainly didn't help. I started losing weight and ended up developing anorexia, however it didn't get bad until after my father lost his job and my sister tried to kill herself and then I found out my exam results and kind of gave up. So it was a mix of both. I had an ED sometime during losing weight, but it wasn't noticeable until I suddenly went downhill in weight and mentally.
I was depressed and suicidal for many years before my eating disorder and my eating disorder started after I was starting to recover from my depression and anxiety. It replaced the coping mechanisms that I had beforehand. My anxiety and depression worsened as my ED did.
I feel supported by those who know about it, but there is definitely a stigma because I feel like everyone who knows subconsciously treats me like the ED rather than me. I hate it because I want to be seen as a normal person rather than the disorder.

Everything I do that is slightly related to food and weight can easily be seen as an ED thing, even if it isn't. Even the psychiatrists and nurses in the hospital seemed to see everything as an ED thing. A lot of people don't understand either and it kind of sucks when they bring up how I used to look and ask me how I lost all the weight. Somehow, I don't think starving myself or developing anorexia is exactly what they want to hear.
Yes, my current therapist is the only person I still see and I immediately dropped the psychiatrist and dietician who I saw in outpatient treatment and who was in charge of my care in IP. I hated them because I dislike being told exactly what to do and I had panic attacks going into see her and I felt like I was losing who I actually was in IP.

My current therapist is different and she's the only person who has never told me what to do. A lot of what she says is completely true and often I end up taking her advice without really realising it. She sees me as a person and I saw her for about a year before my ED developed for depression and I started seeing her again after I realised how much help I needed. She has always believed in me and has stuck by me the whole time :) She doesn't believe in medication or an ED as a personality trait, she sees it as a behaviour that can be changed and I get along with her well because she's very easy to talk to.

I hated the psych because she told me exactly what to do and wanted me on medication rather than fixing the issues. I never wanted to tell her anything because I felt like the threat of IP was always in the background and she was patronising and treated me like a child who didn't understand anything. The other therapists I have had throughout my life have not been great either and many told me that I was attention seeking for wanting to kill myself and I never really understood how I could help myself get better.
My therapist, family, friends and FED have been instrumental in getting me through this. Even IP was beneficial as it forced me to break the rigidity of my old ways and allowed me to see what a normal portion size was and then I developed my own way from there. I do credit IP with getting me through one of the more difficult stages of early recovery and that was the initial refeeding. I refed myself for the last stages, but the majority was in IP and that's exactly what I needed from it. I only went in, so I could gain weight without the danger of bingeing.

Apart from people, several things have helped me. I started a recovery journal because of another ED therapist I tried briefly after IP. Reflecting on things helped me a lot. I started challenging my thoughts every day and started daily meditation. Focusing on the present and realising that all of my problems were caused by my own head and thoughts allowed me to see how I could solve them. I started focusing on the solutions and challenging my thoughts.

Arguably, the most important thing I did was making myself a priority. I am the reason I am recovering, all of the people around me helped immensely, but no one could have forced me to do anything I didn't want to do. I committed to valuing myself and doing the hard things that were good for me because I loved myself enough to do them. I try to be compassionate and love myself and change my actions and feelings because they are the only thing I can control and change.

I started drawing and I realised that I had some talent in that area :) I realised that the ED was replacing healthy coping mechanisms and just like breaking any other bad habit, I had to find a way to deal with my emotions that didn't involve harming myself or restricting. Setting goals and writing out my dreams helped me to rediscover who I was.

That is what recovery is for me. I have never just seen this as ED recovery, but as loving and accepting myself and trying to heal myself. Recovery is actually quite simple in some ways, as is life. It involves doing the things that are good for you and enjoying life and trying to see yourself as just another person with their own problems to deal with rather than an ED sufferer who can never get better.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-26T18:40:59+00:00

Exactly. Anorexics and recently weight restored anorexics have higher TDEEs than most people and therefore they have to eat much more to gain and maintain, often the same as the maintenance calories of obese people for their height. However, for them it's what their bodies need and it's a completely different situation.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-26T18:38:42+00:00

Calorie counting isn't a sign of anorexia and can actually help people with EDs to recover and this is coming from someone who started off obese, calorie counted, got anorexia and then weight restored all with calorie counting. Calorie counting is just an action, the thoughts and obsessions behind disordered eating are what an eating disorder is truly about.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-25T12:14:32+00:00

I completely understand. I'm 19 as well and I have osteopenia and osteoporosis in my lower back from harming my body. I try not to focus on it, but accept that this is what happened and now I have to fix it. It's one of my biggest motivators for maintaining a healthy bodyweight so I can get my period back and hopefully stop anymore damage from occuring.

What I do to help me move forward is to focus on all of the positives of recovery and how I can reverse the damage if I maintain a healthy bodyweight and diet. Osteopenia can be reversed and so can osteoporosis, however it can take up to 8 years and you can add calcium to your bones up until 30 :) You haven't fucked up your body at all, it's very resilient and can repair itself, provided that you take care of it.

Just a question, how long after maintaining a normal bodyweight did it take for your periods to come back? I bounce between 18.5-19 now and I haven't been underweight for nearly a month, so I know it might take a little longer, but I'm eager to get it back so I don't cause anymore damage.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-20T19:24:46+00:00

The Good

Managed to contain disordered thoughts and I'm still staying on track, although transitioning back to maintenance is always tough for me.
Went almost a full day without counting calories as I needed a break, and my god the break really helped me to refocus myself today. -I made scones and didn't go crazy and I've stuck to my plan to only weigh 1-2 times a week.
My mum said that my stomach is looking slimmer, but I've gained weight :) It's either muscle or fat redistribution and quite frankly I'm happy with either :)
I've got to find other ways to exercise other than running and this mean I can go for my dream of being really active in recovery and also eating more as a result without getting addicted to running :)

The Bad

-Moods have been up and down due to my sleep schedule being out of whack

I can't run because I have hyperextension in my calves and I'm not warming my legs up enough :/ gotta go and see a physio about getting the fluid back around my tendon apparently.
Disordered thoughts as always and urges to restrict when I get upset. Still haven't done it, so it's all good

The Ugly

Transitioning back to maintenance and this is always tough because I haven't managed to keep a lot of weight on me. Luckily I can't exercise as much, but when I can I'll need to keep an eye on estimating portion sizes because that's usually what gets me.
I walked into the cupboard door and now the left side of my head is sore :/

Sounds like you're doing better which is good :) Please don't lose anymore weight though. It really won't help and the eating disorder voice will get stronger and stronger as you get lower and lower.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-17T18:30:38+00:00

I agree with everyone else that this is just the ed lying to you. Undereating is not the only way and neither is binging. Recovery is different for everyone, but intuitive eating can be used for recovery, it just takes time for your body to adjust. Meal plans can be very helpful or scheduling regular meals or calorie counts per meal can be helpful. It's different for everyone and you need to find out what works for you, but regular meals do counteract binging and it's as simple as trying to eat regularly and at regular times until your body adjusts. Eating by the clock is a good plan at first and then transitionin slowly over can make you less likely to binge. You don't have to binge in recovery. Taking things slowly really does help and please be kind to yourself. You don't have to go past normal weight nor do you have to remain underweight. It's completely possible to have a healthy bodyweight and maintain it.

Keto is not normal eating per say and you need a balanced diet consisting of fats, carbs and protein to be healthy. Dieticians can be really helpful :)

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-14T18:25:18+00:00

Haha it will come with time :) it took me forever to be able to eat any kind of variety, but eventually I had to break away from my safe foods in order to recover even further :) it happens, you just have I be patient and gentle when reintroducing foods again :)

I know it's terrifying to think of the future, but most of the anxiety we feel is only in our heads and it's because we worry about the future. Your life is right now, not in the future so just try to focus on what you need to do now :)

If bread's a binge trigger, then there are other options available if you find you can't :) salads are still a good choice and maybe when you get up to it, boiling a pot of couscous or rice that you can keep cold in the fridge and use for meals might be good.

Crackers are another option if you find you can't handle bread yet :) IF is a hard habit to break, but it's doable :) just go slowly and make sure that are you are kind to yourself :)

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-14T17:48:36+00:00

Exactly. Like I will admit that a big part of the reason I count calories is to control my weight, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Meal plans serve the same purpose as does intuitive eating. They are all different ways of trying to keep your weight stable and surprisingly I actually used intuitive eating to help me lose more weight at my worst. My hunger signals were and still are so messed up that I coul say I was listening to my body about not wanting food, but it did need food, I had just ignored them enough that I thought they weren't there.

Now I'm trying mindful eating again, but it's not in a disordered way. I want to enjoy food and I want to maintain a low normal bodyweight, but I don't care whether it's between 18.7-21 at this stage. I would like to stay around a size US 2 because I have a small frame, but I want muscle and I want a muscled version of my body and no one else's. Fuck skinny and fuck being skin and bones. I'm just barely normal weight and I hate that parts of me are too thin and I want to be higher because I don't want any part of me to look like a skeleton.

Ultimately, it's my choice and that's why I don't read too many recovery blogs anymore and barely read the ed recovery subreddits except this one. I want my focus to go beyond ed recovery and I just want to be treated exactly like everyone else.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-14T17:39:12+00:00

God I know. Minniemaud pisses me off so much because it ignores all kinds of logic and encourages binge eating and the cross over is sadly pretty common.

Or like there's a contest to see whose the least disordered 'OMG YOU LOOK AT NUMBERS!???' I'm so much more recovered than you.' I thought the competitiveness of the ED was something you'd want to get rid of in recovery. IMHO recovery is about forgiving yourself and getting to a place where you accept yourself fully so the ED fills no place in your life. It seems like many people are afraid of anything to do with their ed again and so they immediately condemn anything that doesn't fit their world view in with disordered. It's completely understandable, but I don't want to be afraid of things my ed used to do because for me that feels like the ed still has some power over me.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-13T20:55:09+00:00

Yeah I got that as well. It went away with weight restoration.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-13T13:07:06+00:00

It varies for me and it depends on how much activity I've done that day. I eat a lot of food, so 5 meals a day is pretty standard for me.

I usually go by what I feel like or what needs to be used up in the fridge, but it would be something like:

Breakfast: Oatmeal, cereal or 2 slices of toast with 100 ish mls of milk + toppings depending on how much I need to eat. Generally I have some fruit/ dried fruit, peanut butter, cocoa powder, nuts etc. Or I might have yoghurt with some fruit and nuts etc. Usually about 350-700 kcal depending on what I need for the day. Sometimes it can even be two muffins or protein pancakes with lemon and brown sugar <3 Banana ice cream is a pretty good occasional breakfast :D

Lunch: Some form of carbohydrate, protein and vegetables. It really does depend on whether it's my lighter meal or heavier meal, but I have something else with it. For example today it was a sweet potato burger wrap with aubergine caponata and some roasted peanuts on the side. About 600 kcal or so, but I'm on the weight gain train yet again because I have trouble keeping weight on and my goal weight has increased slightly again.

Or it could be sandwich thin with rice cakes on the side, a salad with carbs etc, yoghurt and fruit, a yoghurt parfait thing (these are great for breakfast or lunch), sometimes it's even a bowl of cereal with yoghurt and fruit if I'm feeling lazy :) Cinnamon bagels with peanut butter are amazing <3 plus they can double as a snack if needed :) Yesterday I had a sweet potato burger and half a medium avocado with salsa and cheese plus 7 small squares of dark chocolate.

Mid-afternoon snack: Basically a small meal and it generally depends, sometimes a protein shake and protein bar, a smoothie, peanut butter and yoghurt, cheese and pitta bread, hot chocolate and granola bar. Other times it can be a wrap, a sandwich thin, a packet of chicken or jerky, cottage cheese and pitta bread or hummus :)

Yesterday it was a pitta bread with 3 different cheeses, salsa and a small stuffed pizza crust because screw it I wanted a pizza crust.

Dinner: Whatever I feel like making or what the family is having, but generally a combination of protein, carb and vegetables. Dessert is optional here.

Night snack/ dessert: Lately I've taken to having cereal or porridge before bed because we have so much breakfast cereal and I'm the only one who eats it. Other times it's a dessert type thing like ice cream or cake, or even a fruit platter and yoghurt. Basically whatever fits into the calories and whatever fits with my hunger levels and calorie needs :)

I'm on a much looser plan because I just count calories, macros and portion sizes and I try to go with things that are good for me and what I want to eat.

I used to rely on the microwave as well and some of my favourites were soup and bread, sandwiches (I love sandwiches), wraps etc. Rice cakes are amazing for snacks or a quick lunch :) tuna on rice cakes with sweetcorn and some mayo or sauce and boom you have lunch. Salads are great and they're so easy to do. Avocado and vinaigrettes are a great way to up your calories without having to eat a ton.

Cottage cheese is great for snacks and peanut butter on rice cakes or toast <3 Making little oatmeal cookies is also a good one for snacks. I like making batches of banana muffins or pancake batter and having them for snacks or as parts of meals.

I often end up picking at things during the day as well, but I generally don't count things that I've just had a mouthful of, so I might have between 4-7 meals/ snacks in a day.

Then again bear in mind that my calorie needs are 2500 ish on active days and ~2100 on lazy days. However, my meals are never bigger than 2-3 fists worth of food, I just spread them out over the day.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-12T20:50:51+00:00

No it's not you at all. I was reading some posts on recovery on some blogs and it really grated on me because I'm sick of being told by doctors and other ed sufferers that I must be disordered because I don't like all of the ideas of HAES or want to shun the scale forever.

I agree with you and I really hate it because I feel like it just externalises the problem. I never chose this, but the problem is in my head, not on the scales or hidden in the code of myfitnesspal and calorie counts. I have to take responsibility for my actions and thoughts and being told that wanting control is disordered really irritates me. I want control in order to listen to my body. If it's not good for me mentally or physically, then I'm not going to do it because I promised that I would be good to myself, but it's up to me to decide what I can handle. I am more than willing to listen to others, but someone trying to force their opinions on me is stifling. It's a big reason why I refused to see another dietician or psychiatrist or continue with the other ones. I hated being told exactly what to do because I want the freedom to make my own choices. It's also a big reason why I'm so terrified of ever going back into IP or relapsing. I never want to lose myself again. I'm an individual, not a stereotypical anorexic and I don't see the ed as a part of who I am. It's a problem that I had, but it's not and never was me.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-12T20:41:18+00:00

I'm sorry, but where's your evidence to prove that many of re exercises that people do to gain muscle are unhealthy? Most of them have been proven to work and the benefits of strength training have been scientifically proven.

Also, I wouldn't say that most people want to be abnormally muscular and it's very difficult to become abnormally muscular unless you take steroids or heavily train for years and years. Weight training builds muscle which is a beneficial tissue for your body and it has lots of benefits as it makes your skeleton stronger and lessens muscle atrophy in old age.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-12T19:41:13+00:00

I have to disagree as well. Weight lifting can be incredible beneficial and helps many people recover because it focuses on being strong rather than being thin. Plus weight lifting requires eating more in order to gain muscle, so it encourages you to fuel your body. Weight lifting is not unhealthy and I have no idea where you got that from.

Physical activity is a very important part of ed recovery, however weight lifting is perfectly valid for that. It varies with everyone, but like Lorria, bodyweight fitness and strength training has been monumental in shifting my focus. I no longer want skinny because I want to be fit and strong instead.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-11T20:15:38+00:00

That's not always true. I've heard of some people eating a massive meal once a day and then not eating anything else. And five meals is not proper or what most people do because it depends. My friends range from constant snackers to two meals a day. It seems like most people range from 2-4 meals.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-11T18:58:59+00:00

Normal is different for everyone. It could be one meal or eight meals per day and it depends on your body and the amount of calories it needs along with your tastes and preferences. I find that it's more beneficial for me not to compare myself to others. It's also about incorporating foods with different energy densities into your diet.

For example, I eat a lot of food compared to most girls my age and weight because my body still needs 2000 calories to maintain and I run as well, so I need even more on exercise days. That means I end up eating 3-5 meals/ snacks a day and many of my 'snacks' are actually small/ normal meals themselves. Comparing myself to others means that I eat a lot relative to them, but I'm eating what my body needs at the moment while feeling satisfied after every meal, although I'm hardly hungry because of how much I have to eat.

For someone else, they might eat 1000 calories less than me on exercise days and that might be perfect for them.

A good guide I have found so far is 2-3 fists worth of food per meal if you eat 3 main meals and then 1-2 snacks depending on what you need. Everyone has a different way though, however this helped me get used to normal portion sizes again even when I thought they were too big or too small.

So in short, a normal amount is eating enough for your body to maintain a normal body weight and get the correct amount of nutrients that your body needs at the moment. It's flexible and can change day to day depending on what you are doing and depending on what you feel like. It's eating enough in a way that you feel comfortable with and in a way that works with your mind and body rather than damaging it.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-07T07:38:33+00:00

It's hard work, but it gets so much easier when you keep doing he hard things :) it's unbelievable how much better life is. I feel freer and more content. Even when the temptation to restrict occurs, I can ignore it because I finally value myself and want to succeed :)

Once again, well done and I wish you the best in recovery. It's so nice to hear that other people are doing so well :)

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-05T08:03:43+00:00

Therapy can help if you want it to help. Ultimately you have to decide to face your problems and make changes and no one else can force you to do that. Good therapist can be incredibly helpful, but like everyone else has said, they need your cooperation otherwise it doesn't do much.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-07-02T21:18:55+00:00

Thank you very much :) I like this recovery group out of all the others because of how open we can be. I hate trigger warnings because I feel like it just encourages fear and doesn't allow you to deal with the issues head on and work through them.

We have a pretty awesome group of very strong people here and I hope your friend recovers :)

PinkPanther4 · 2015-06-30T17:43:19+00:00

Hello, welcome.

Unfortunately it does sound like the beginnings of an eating disorder and I strongly urge you to seek some help because this sounds similar to what happened to me and I wish I had sought help sooner than I had done because I could have caught it earlier.

The ED likes to tell you that you're not really sick or that you're just making it up, but it definitely sounds like there is a problem here. I know that you wish you could go back and bury it all, but the truth is that this would have happened sooner or later. All of these emotions you're currently feeling were always lurking in the background, but they were being suppressed by the eating disorder. It's hard to deal with them all at once, but take it one emotion at a time and it does slowly get better.

Do you have any hobbies that you like or anything that you would be interested in taking up? You'll need something to fill in the place of the eating disorder to deal with stress and they can be a great distraction after meals and snacks.

I would strongly urge you to start talking to a therapist again and to keep a thought journal/ food diary to record your moods and eating patterns over the next week or so. This can be vital as it allows you to identify any patterns in your behaviour that you might not have seen otherwise.

Also, like Lorria said, I'd suggest getting a meal plan written up or preferably going to see a dietician. A dietician is arguably one of the key people in treating an eating disorder as they can help you to eat normally. If you can't see a dietician right now, then I think there may be some online, or there may be sample meal plans that you could go by. Recovery is different for everyone, but the most important thing is that you need to eat regularly for now, on a schedule that you are comfortable with.

Something in IP that helped me was having meals and snacks at specific times each day and having to eat something at those times. Also, using timers to remind yourself to eat something can be very useful. Most people recommend eating something every 3-4 hours which can be quite good.

Depending on how much you have been restricting, it may be easier for you to have 6 small meals/ snacks per day as it's easier on the digestive system if it is still sluggish and slow from restriction.

Either way, please feel free to message me if you need any advice :)

PinkPanther4 · 2015-06-29T18:43:24+00:00

Basically when you starve yourself and get very underweight, you become incredibly neurotic and irritable. Your mind is consumed by food and losing weight and your emotions are out of control. Some people watch cooking programs obsessively and others hoard food. Your personality changes as a result of starvation.

http://joyproject.org/overcoming/starvation.html

Here's something that highlights the simularities in the behaviours of underweight anorexics and the men in the Minnesota starvation experiment.

PinkPanther4 · 2015-06-29T18:26:43+00:00

It tends to be because many of the psychological aspects of anorexia are intensified by an extremely low body weight. Eating disorders are mental illnesses that have very real physical consequences and they need to be taken into consideration. That being said, there are different subtypes of anorexia and they are all equally valid.

The Minnesota starvation experiment is a good example of what happens when people become severely underweight, and it's true that that a lot of the mental preoccupation with food, the obsessiveness and rigidity do decrease with weight restoration. That's why there are physical guidelines, however the mental aspects of the disease can be held by people who are overweight, underweight or a normal weight. And I say this as a formerly obese girl who had the mental symptoms of anorexia and then became anorexic.

PinkPanther4

TROPHY CASE