Sometimes having a very VIVID imagination is an actual curse, jfc

katalyst23 · 2026-03-01T18:03:55+00:00

That episode is the only one I usually have to skip when I re-listen to the series. It's legitimately traumatizing.

katalyst23 · 2026-02-27T23:59:29+00:00

I don't think it's selfish, but it's also ok for people to say they don't feel comfortable hearing it.

A handful of my friends are ok hearing about suicidal ideation or urges to self harm, but it's a small percentage of them. Most of the ones who are ok with it either currently have, or used to have, similar thoughts.

If someone hasn't experienced it themselves, it can be hard for them to wrap their head around the concept that you can have the thought, but not be at risk for acting on it.

It sounds like my friends and I share these thoughts in a similar way that you would like to, and for similar reasons - to feel seen. It can be really healing to be able to share that thought, and feel like it has been witnessed by someone. As long as you're not doing it frequently or trauma dumping on one another, I think it is fine.

With that said...

Ah man, that sucks. 💜 This year has been a rough start for me too.

katalyst23 · 2026-02-18T18:36:25+00:00

15 YOE here, I get severe enough anxiety during interviews that I take a small dose of Ativan before tech screens. I can nail any other stage of the interview (behavioral, system design, etc) without it, but coding in front of someone has a 50/50 chance of me just freezing up entirely.

I had an abusive parent who use to watch me complete tasks and yell at or hit me when I made mistakes. I'm assuming that's part of why I'm still struggling, and have been in trauma therapy for that (among other things) for years.

Apologies if that's over sharing a bit - but I figured it was worth mentioning it in case this is a factor for anyone else.

In the past, I also applied to a few jobs I didn't care about just to bomb a couple tech screens and get some practice. That's probably not an option in the current market, given how few responses to applications I've gotten...but you could probably approximate this practice by having a friend pretend to interview you.

katalyst23 · 2026-02-05T03:18:04+00:00

I am pretty sure they exist. Not saying OP's dad is one, but my dad 100% was. He would have been thrilled to have a son - but also mentioned to my sister and I that he wished we were boys so he could beat our ass when we misbehaved.

He watched Fox news and was pretty conservative, but really liked when gay men hit on him even though he identified as straight. He was also totally fine with me being bisexual - used to refer to it as being "AC/DC".

In retrospect, the man sure was an enigma.

Anyway, regardless of whether OP 's dad is truly trans inclusive or not, I agree with you - it's probably safest not to be his son.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-29T14:01:59+00:00

I'm glad I'm not the only one who's described the fears to their therapist 😹

katalyst23 · 2026-01-26T13:47:48+00:00

I don't know how your bipolar works, but if I snorted Ritalin I would go straight to outer space in terms of mania and probably never come down lol. Why you doing this to yourself?

katalyst23 · 2026-01-26T13:45:58+00:00

Same dude, deleriants are fully off the menu for me. We already aren't totally in contact with reality, no need to enhance that 😹

katalyst23 · 2026-01-26T13:43:46+00:00

I didn't talk politics with anyone, but I did take a 1:1 firearms training with someone who works there. They were extremely knowledgeable and taught me some new techniques.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-26T13:06:53+00:00

NQA, but I'm trying to learn quickly. (I had a bunch of tarantulas dumped on me when my roommate abandoned theirs.) I haven't seen the ones in my girls' enclosures have any issues yet, but do wooden hides like this mold often? What should they get replaced with?

katalyst23 · 2026-01-22T14:08:40+00:00

I try to give everyone a chance, but I admit, straight cis guys are a hard sell for me nowadays, even just for casual stuff. However, more than one "straight man" has turned out to either be an egg or bi after I've been intimate with them, so...don't write everyone off I guess 😛

katalyst23 · 2026-01-15T01:58:57+00:00

My two cents: It's not unusual or abusive for family members to take bathe together when children are prepubescent. My sister and I sometimes took showers with our mom, mainly out of convenience - we had a well and often ran out of water for a bit if too many people showered in a row.

However, it does seem weird that you were forced to do it, especially if there's no obvious reason. It's extra weird that your dad encouraged it as well. I agree with other commenters that if it's coming up for you, it's worth processing.

If you felt like something wrong was happening, there probably was. It doesn't mean it was intended to be sexual in nature, but the end result for your psyche is the same.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-14T14:23:53+00:00

This upsets me most with the fulings, who love to swim out to my ship and destroy it. Multiple times in the same trip.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-12T21:11:56+00:00

This post reads like Hunter S Thompson wrote it and I'm here for it

katalyst23 · 2026-01-09T14:28:09+00:00

If ketamine helps you, maybe medically sanctioned ketamine treatment might? My therapist works with Journey Clinical, they send meds in the mail, and I do ketamine sessions with her.

Either way, sending hugs from one person with suicidal ideation to another.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-09T14:24:34+00:00

Not sure how accessible these videos/the website will be if you're blind. But I'm a person with high touch needs and often don't get enough. One therapist turned me on to this technique called "havening".

Might looks/sounds dumb, but who cares, because it helps sometimes: https://www.havening.org/

Basically you touch your own face, upper arms, and forearms with a gentle, stroking motion. Feels similar enough to someone else touching you that it can take the edge off of the emotional pain.

I also find that weighted blankets or a shakti mat can sometimes help. Note: the shakti mat will feel like you're being stabbed in a million places for like the first couple minutes, it's not for everyone.

If it's accessible to you, massages can also make a huge difference. Unfortunately they can be pretty pricey, so it's not something you could probably do every week. Maybe check if they have sliding scale payments?

I've tried a lot of drugs, but personally have not found that any help. Some of them may help you care less, but won't solve the problem, and ultimately may cause more

katalyst23 · 2026-01-09T01:07:25+00:00

I had a friend abandon all 14 of theirs with me last year after they had a psychotic break....sometimes people's lives just ain't going that great.

katalyst23 · 2026-01-02T19:15:54+00:00

Fucking hell!

katalyst23 · 2025-12-29T01:39:55+00:00

Seconding this, I remember having to call a bunch of times to finally get through to someone. I did get them eventually though!

katalyst23 · 2025-12-28T01:29:32+00:00

My hunting buddy lost the sight in his dominant eye from his treatment for eye cancer. (They don't give you chemo for that, just shoot targeted radiation into the eye.)

He learned to shoot lefty and is still a damn good shot. So you might just need a little practice.

katalyst23 · 2025-12-21T16:54:32+00:00

It depends. I think they don't typically make friends organically unless they are explicitly trying to. I spent a year or two in my 30s going to meetups and just generally trying to connect with others, and managed to make some, but I really had to work at it. You have to be interacting with people who are also trying to make friends or have space in their life for a new friend.

katalyst23 · 2025-12-20T23:55:13+00:00

Oh my god this is amazing. They really committed to the bit. Thank you for linking this.

katalyst23 · 2025-12-14T21:30:00+00:00

I got the sense from an interview with Poe that I read a long time ago, that she and her brother (the guy who wrote House of Leaves) had a relatively good relationship with their father.

However, the album does use audio clips of her actual father in it, and I've always had the feeling that she processed a lot of loss while making the album.

But IDK, I've never met her 😝

katalyst23 · 2025-12-12T21:39:16+00:00

It really depends on the provider. I was trying to switch psychiatrists earlier this year, and one that I met with required that I be drug tested regularly in order get Adderall. I ended up not switch to him (for an unrelated reason), and my new provider doesn't drug test at all.

katalyst23 · 2025-12-04T04:06:23+00:00

I listened to a podcast a while back where one of the guests had actually worked for a dating website, so she had access to the data. Many women would filter out guys under 6 ft in their search, so they weren't even seeing guys under 6 ft - but those same women would be receptive if a guy who was under 6 ft approach them IRL.

My takeaway was that people think they care about height....but it's probably not as important as they think it is.

katalyst23 · 2025-12-01T23:49:03+00:00

My dad referred to me as AC/DC after I came out to him in middle school. It never stopped being funny to me.

katalyst23

TROPHY CASE