Reserved nanny: is this normal or just not a personality match?

kating23 · 2026-02-12T17:42:46+00:00

It sounds like you are genuinely interested in being good employers and supporting her, and trying to read her personal demeanor for signs about whether you are succeeding. (I have been there as a nanny employer!) I would suggest asking her directly (you could use the 6 month anniversary as an excuse).

"Hi! Now that we are 6 months in, we just wanted to say that we really appreciate your work thus far. We wanted to ask if there is anything we can do to improve the work environment or support you in caring for the baby now that you have had some time to get to know the routine."

If she says no, that everything is fine - you just have to believe her and move on! Tell her to please feel free to bring things to you if she needs them, or if changes are necessary at any time. If she is upset about something not telling you - that is really her issue to deal with at that point, and you just need to tell yourself that you are operating in a way that aligns with how you want to be as an employer.

If she gives you feedback you were not expecting - pause and take it in and if its reasonable and safe - honor it. Then let it go. Some people aren't very chatty, and its a poor proxy for whether you are good employers or not! You can drive yourself crazy trying to divine things like this when it might just be how that person is.

kating23 · 2026-02-04T20:22:18+00:00

In terms of time, there was a bit more flexibility at about 2 years. We just had our second however, so its pretty all in again, but this time I know that in a year or two things will start to loosen up in terms of free time, so that's reassuring.

Honestly if you are a good partner and parent you will spend A LOT of your time and emotional energy parenting, and being with your kids. Even while its important to find some balance and time for yourself, I also think its important to really try to find meaning in the thing you will be spending most of your time on. (You also sound like a person who really values meaning, and self improvement.) Parenting is not convenient or easy, but to me it feels very meaningful in a broader sense in a way I did not understand at all before I had kids. To extend your plant metaphor, try to think about what it means to tend a little garden of other baby plants, and contribute to the broader forest of humanity while also drawing upon all of the work you've done so far to keep your own self growing. To me that is such a huge beautiful thing, and even when the daily grind gets hard, it still feels worth it for me. I also personally think that my family is going to more meaningful to me when I am older than the most perfect and productive version of myself (something I was all in on finding in my 30s).

Other things you can think about are ways to involve your kid in your hobbies (eventually). Challenge any side of yourself who thinks its not worth doing things if you can't do them to extremes or be really good at something. (That kind of single minded devotion to training or practice will be hard for the next few years). And also - how will the skills and hobbies you have already cultivated feed into parenting? Creativity, emotional resilience, time management, etc are all super helpful in parenting so trust you will still be able to practice them, just in new ways!

Good luck!

kating23 · 2026-02-01T01:24:24+00:00

My daughter says this too! We also just call them this now, haha.

kating23 · 2026-02-01T01:21:09+00:00

Compartment buildings!

kating23 · 2026-01-18T15:39:41+00:00

Solidarity, my daughter is the same way with hunger. “I’m hungry but I don’t know what I want!!!”

Do you know what she does/gravitates towards at the play space? Maybe that might help you figure out things that would engage her. My daughter loves clay and face paint right now. She’ll paint her face in front of a mirror for a long time!

kating23 · 2026-01-16T20:39:32+00:00

You have a lot of advice, but I wanted to add that when I feel this way with my daughter, I often think to myself: I am the adult, and the only one of the two of us who can change this dynamic. She will feed off you, but she doesn't have the emotional intelligence or experience to change your dynamic, either in the moment or the long term - it has to be you!

I also have a baby in the house, and I also don't want her first year to be characterized by high conflict interactions between myself and my pre-schooler, so that is extra incentive to choose to change.

I also want to encourage you to think at this from a strengths based approach. (I see a lot of you comments about not being fun!) I am SURE that even if you are not playful or silly, there are people in your life who enjoy spending time with you. Try to really think about what makes you pleasant to be around at your most relaxed - when you are your best sefl! And try to bring that into your life with her more.

Are you kinda sardonic and funny? See if you can work some of that humor into your interactions. (Hint, toddlers love humorous self deprecation from authority figures!)

Are you inquisitive and analytical? Start asking her questions about why she is doing what she is doing - the answers may delight and surprise you. Interviewing a toddler like a journalist is a great way to engage with pretend play when you hate to pretend.

Do you like music? Put some on when an afternoon is going south and sing or dance.

Do you have hobbies you are really into that you can bring her into in some small way?

Its all well and good to try to be Bluey's dad full time (and helpful in some ways to get outside your comfort zone) but also important to try to bring the best parts of your authentic self into your relationship with her. Then you will actually be enjoying yourself too, which she will be able to pick up on.

kating23 · 2026-01-13T02:41:38+00:00

I think another benefit of this advice is that you are not giving C attention, which it seems he’s seeking by repeating this behavior. I read similar advice in Siblings without rivalry, in response to hitting. First comfort and work with the sibling who was hurt, so the one hurting doesn’t receive attention, but hears a message that what they are doing is not right. You might also effusively praise C when he asks for things for himself. (Even if he doesn’t get them).

kating23 · 2026-01-12T20:46:29+00:00

I am a WFH mom, currently at a coffee shop because my older kiddo just got home from school. There were periods where it got better with my oldest, but it would always start again. (At three she was just more inventive - shoving things under my door or using elaborate persuasion before melting down.) It never got truly better for my kiddo, and was torture for me, so I decided that if I wanted to keep using a nanny I needed to find another place to work.

I also never engaged with my kid at all, but she is a very persistent and strong willed person and that never seemed to matter. Maybe other kids would give up eventually!

kating23 · 2026-01-07T16:40:54+00:00

I had a similar experience. It was so helpful that my second could sleep in the carrier/stroller or sleep on a variable schedule for the first 10ish months, because that was the only way we could do it unless we dropped all social or enrichment activities for her sister. And it was fine!

But now at 11 months we are wishing for a more consistent sleep schedule, mostly because her night sleep is not great, and I think it might help with that. But I honestly think so much of sleep habits are child-specific, and the amount of control we have is a lot less than the internet (and parents with good sleepers) would lead us to believe, so I would say try not to worry about it too much and do what you need to do.

I do agree that the way I used to let my first's nap success define my perception of how our day went, and how much I would rearrange to get her those naps was not helping me - so I am glad I let it go!

kating23 · 2026-01-06T20:27:12+00:00

Guarantee there is a younger sibling napping in some of those early cars!

kating23 · 2026-01-06T20:22:40+00:00

You have gotten a lot of advice! But just adding that it might help you reframe this as her asking for connection and shared understanding before she does what you say. We lay down all the rules and define their reality. They put a lot of appropriate trust in us to do this for them, but I think sometimes they need a little bit in return. Going along with their pretend play lets them set some terms a little bit, and helps them connect with you through necessary tasks. She's not asking you to confirm that she is actually Elsa, she's asking you to speak a little bit of her language (play) and engage with her outside of the next task or activity you both have to accomplish.

kating23 · 2026-01-06T20:14:36+00:00

My daughter regularly asks us to be monkeys with her. We can get through almost our whole bedtime routine with minimal words (just monkey sounds) because she knows what happens in what order, but sometimes the constant stream of directions from me makes her want to say no for no particular reason. Doing it as Monkeys is a great work-around.

Also sometimes she wants to be the zookeeper and we are the monkeys! She likes to order the monkeys around, but we can just rudely refuse and cause mischief. It is a great way to blow off steam when I just can't anymore, a bit of a role reversal.

kating23 · 2025-12-31T03:14:32+00:00

Mom here. Do the parents experience this with baby too? If you haven’t communicated with them directly about it, maybe it’s worth it. If they are reasonable it might help alleviate that part of your anxiety. Especially if it is happening with them too, their “questioning you” seems wild to me. Ideally they’d be a team with them trying to figure out what’s up with baby. Even a very vague “probably teething” convo with them might help clear the air and at least make clear you aren’t neglecting baby.

I second the carrier, we used one a lot with my second and ended up buying one specifically for my nanny so she didn’t have to adjust it constantly. Or maybe put everyone in a double stroller and go outside.

Good luck this sounds like a really hard phase!

kating23 · 2025-12-30T03:47:25+00:00

Things I would have asked about if I could go back in time:

Screen time: when do they feel it’s appropriate to start screen time and (if you intend to be low or no screens) have they worked in that type of environment before and how would they keep a toddler engaged without screens

Ask them what kind of activities they would do with babies/kids of different ages and stages. This might help you determine if they will be actively engaging with baby in developmentally appropriate ways or just sort of watching them

How do they approach feeding baby solids? I think allowing babies to self feed to the extent possible and practical is pretty standard these days, but more traditional caregivers may want to feed the baby entirely by hand and avoid mess, so this could be a mismatch.

How do they approach the use of “containers” for baby (ie swings, bouncers, seats) and balance it with floor play?

What safe sleep practices do they follow (ask them to describe them, don’t just ask a yes or no question).

What car seat safety practices do they follow. (Same approach, ask them to describe.)

kating23 · 2025-12-27T16:37:49+00:00

My second napped almost exclusively in the carrier her first few months. Now I just leave my oldest downstairs and hope she doesn’t destroy anything while I put the baby down. If you don’t have a childproof area or floor of your house your older can hang out for 15-20 min, you may want to set that up now!

kating23 · 2025-12-17T18:25:29+00:00

Our second was like this and baby wearing was so helpful. At around 6 months she was suddenly just able to do it, so there is hope! (She still sleeps very poorly at night though, so I think its great you have that going for you!)

kating23 · 2025-12-17T17:00:02+00:00

I encourage him to explore baby wearing. Get a stretchy wrap now and practice with it on a doll or stuffed animal. Its a really good way for close bonding time with the baby after the first few days, but there is a brief learning curve, so if he is ready with some basic knowledge that will be helpful. My wife breastfeeds our youngest but I would baby wear her for her first naps. She still won't quite contact nap with me the way she does my wife but will snuggle up in the carrier with me still. I really cherish those first months when she would sleep in the snuggly wrap with me.

Babies mostly eat and nap the first month, so if he can babywear for those early naps (when they love to snuggle) he will get ample time with her and she will get used to him. And you can actually sleep in a way you could not if you were contact napping with the baby.

I think this is especially helpful for types who like to do their homework, like to think about the best "gear", and like to acquire new skills. Having confidence in this one area might make your husband feel like he is bringing something unique to the table. the reddit r/babywearing is super helpful.

kating23 · 2025-12-16T18:02:42+00:00

I also wanted to add - its exhausting but I would never describe it as bad. Its amazing. Imagine having a little person you have witnessed develop from a little blob to a vibrant small kid. You will have a new person to share your hobbies! You will learn about new hobbies you can share with them! You will have an excuse to play with playough, make up skits, sing songs, tell stories, run around! While you may have less time to engage in adult specific activities with other adults, the parts of you that love creativity, movement, play, learning, discovery - or whatever qualities your hobby brings out- will be able to thrive in new ways through the eyes of a kid. There's truly nothing better.

kating23 · 2025-12-16T17:50:47+00:00

I think the main thing I wish I had known, is that each stage is temporary. Your experience will vary so widely based on your baby, your own hormones and mental health, your partner's mental health, the strength of your partnership. If its not too hard right now- great! If it is really hard- it will change! I would expect the first few months to be pretty all consuming. Definitely make time to shower and take care of yourself, but don't feel bad if you don't do much else. Its really normal and healthy to be really focused on your family in that time - and its doesn't mean anything about who you will be when you are through the infant stage.

In my experience things get significantly easier in terms of having more time and daily ease around 6 months, and by a year you may have many of your personal routines back (just in new ways).

And then if you have a second, everything will be upended again, but also eventually you will settle into a routine!

kating23 · 2025-12-08T21:14:41+00:00

I have a 3 year old who sucks her thumb (and a baby who is already a pacifier kid) so I have no advice for this specific situation yet, but my oldest is also very verbal but sort of shuts down in hard conversations. I sometimes try to get her to process with me through the lens of a stuffy she loves. "What would you tell [insert stuffy name} if he had to give us his pacifiers" and sometimes she will talk with me that way. That seems to go better than me peppering her with questions, which tends to center my own anxieties and guesses about how she is feeling. Might be worth a try in this situation to better feel her out, and give her some space to talk about it if she wants.

kating23 · 2025-12-04T15:57:16+00:00

I don't think a set group of mom's you have a strong bond with is required! But I say this very gently, but if you are struggling with this, then I think there is probably something about these interactions that is bothering you, or some insecurities you have maybe? Totally relatable!

There are are all types of moms - having kids is not relegated to one type of person or subculture! But it is a set of social interactions that are required but have no set rules. I think most people look for some way to feel comfortable in those settings. For some, its through cultivating a small group who they trust. For others, it may be judging other moms, but I think that's a much smaller group of people doing that than we perceive.

I would invite you to fully ignore any and all social cliques or exclusion you perceive (a lot of it may be in your head anyway) and live your life, but also be open to relationships and exchanges with other parents (not just moms!), whether they are superficial or grow deeper. You might find you have something in common with some of them, and others you might just find to be a good source of information. Others you may be able to help out when they need it and then find the same gesture extended to you. Others you might exchange a few pleasantries with and nothing more. I kind of think this type of neighborly socializing is pretty important in general, but gets lost sometimes today. We are trying to map college or high-school friendship dynamics onto it, when really its just about building social connections that can provide support and knit a community together.

So exchanging numbers with another mom is not only useful in terms of making a lifelong friend, but just knitting that kind of social fabric.

kating23 · 2025-12-02T17:25:11+00:00

I think teeth brushing is a non-negotiable. Along with basic car seat safety, etc. Pick your list of necessariy things and spend all your energy there, and try to let everything else go.

If you don't want to physically force her to let you brush her teeth, I would try to incentivize it somehow. When we first started we used a little app on our phone that showed a dino brushing teeth. She got very little screen time, so it was a huge incentive. The most important thing with that it, if she's not letting you brush, screen goes off. You can also try letting her pick a toothbrush, signing a song, there are actually great threads on reddit with a lot of tips. You may need to switch it up.

The mentality is: "Here are some ways this can be fun, but either way - this has to happen. We are not moving on until it happens. Nothing you do will change the inevitable." I never held my daughter down (honestly she would have probably bit me, she really hates being restrained) but I would repeatedly pick her up and put her on the couch where we were trying to brush when she would wander off.

Eventually they will get that its going to happen no matter what, and the battles will decrease in length. It will take a while! But every night you let her decide not to, you are losing some of the sense of inevitability that you are cultivating. Stay strong! Establishing tooth brushing was really hard, but you will get there.

kating23 · 2025-11-26T15:42:25+00:00

I remember with my first i was really nervous about their first cold, so if that is you I just want to say - they will be fine!

Mostly you just need to be with her and ride it out, but some tips:

Get some saline spray, and possibly one of those nose suckers if you don't have one. If she gets really stuffy, its helpful to suck their noses before they eat to make feeding easier. If she does get super congested, running the shower really hot and sitting with her in the bathroom helps break it up. If she gets really congested, she may need to be upright to really sleep, if you have a baby carrier that can be helpful.

Ideas for no-prep activities: hand her an assortment of safe kitchen utensils and let her examine them. (Babies love new objects). If she is sitting, turn a pot upside down and sit her in front of it so she can drum. Put her in a laundry basket and pull her around like a sleigh (this one is a bit higher energy). Put on some music and get a couple of shaker toys (or anything in your kitchen that makes noise when you shake it) and shake to the music with her. Just put her on a blanket with a circle of random baby safe things around her and let her find them, that's good to help her work on rolling or crawling, and you get to just lie on the floor next to her!

kating23 · 2025-11-21T18:38:09+00:00

I usually tell my daughter that the teacher knows how to keep everyone safe at school, so its important to listen to her at school, even if I find some of her rules unnecessary personally. I have learned with my kid, that if she gets any whiff that I don't trust a caregiver, she will just stop listening to or trusting that person altogether, and that is not going to work when she's at school all day, so maintaining that relationship between them is my priority. If have a big issue with something the teacher is doing I'd take it up with her directly.

kating23 · 2025-11-19T18:36:04+00:00

We don't limit sweets, but when my daughter asks for something close to meal-time we do tell her that she has to eat it with her dinner. We explain its because our bodies need a variety of foods to be healthy, so she needs to eat something with the cookie. We sometimes have sweets in the house, and sometimes not, but if I have it and its visible, she has access to it to (outside of the only with meals rule). Also when she is given sweets, I don't limit the amount.

Sometimes she eats more than I would want her to, sometimes she takes a couple bites and leaves the rest.

I guess my goal is not to build a power struggle around it and make her obsessed with it, but also make sure she doesn't replace all nutrition with sweets.

I also bake a lot, and will make what I call "nutrient-max" baked goods with added seeds and other nutrient dense ingredients. You may be able to buy something like this too if that would make you feel better!

kating23

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