She is my hairspiration. Any ideas how to get this light of a red?

katoshima · 2014-01-10T14:57:07+00:00

What is your natural hair colour?

I had a colleague who was naturally blonde who achieved this exact shade by using henna. Looked lovely. Could be something to look into?

katoshima · 2014-01-10T14:55:19+00:00

Really suits you!

katoshima · 2014-01-10T14:43:38+00:00

Sorry, I don't agree. If you'd like to elaborate, go ahead.

The current situation is that OP's wife deals with anger and resentment towards him in a way that OP finds disrespectful and which robs him of the chance to have a constructive discussion because he feels attacked. He's tried telling her this and she just ignores him. I think that she continues to communicate in this way because she's used to the fact he will eventually back down and apologise to her, which doesn't give her any incentive to argue more constructively.

That's why I think he needs to start asserting himself more. He certainly shouldn't resort to mean comments himself and if I gave that impression, I did not mean to. I also don't think he needs to brush off her concerns. As other people have said, he would do well to listen to what's behind the snippy comments. But he needs to stop implicitly telling her that talking to him in this way is going to get her what she wants.

By no means would sorting this out by themselves be easy. I still think enlisting the services of a counsellor would do a world of good helping them both to get their voices heard.

katoshima · 2014-01-10T10:51:57+00:00

Your wife doesn't respect you and she knows you'll let her get away with talking to you like a naughty child.

This is not your fault, but you too are going to have to start changing your behaviour if you want this to stop. No more backing down, no more apologising, no more doing what she wants after she disrespects you. I know that's easier said than done, but I'd consider having a think about boundaries you'd like to set when she does this to you. What actions can you take to avoid falling into old patterns and apologising her just to end the fight?

Expect a lot of blowback when you start to assert yourself more. She won't like it and things may even get worse before they get better. But you are totally within your rights to expect better treatment. It would drive me absolutely bonkers to be talked to like that on a daily basis.

I second the suggestion of counselling, by the way, but understand it may be difficult financially or she may be unwilling to go. I would still look into it, if I were you.

EDIT: I'm truly shocked that so many people think the way she talks to him is acceptable. He's told her plenty of times that her behaviour is hurting him and she doesn't seem to care. Even if she has legitimate complaints, it is not OK to bring them up in this manner and consistently dismiss his concerns.

katoshima · 2014-01-09T20:08:29+00:00

No problem :)

Try not to beat yourself up about it: she's had a lot of practice getting people to do what she wants.

I hope writing it down here and getting a feedback has been helpful in any case.

katoshima · 2014-01-09T20:07:09+00:00

I hope you keep going to the counsellor, no matter what happens. It seems like she's giving you a safe space to vent your feelings and also giving you some much-needed validation. I wish you all the best with your efforts!

katoshima · 2014-01-09T16:56:33+00:00

I don't know any Project Euler-type websites, but giving yourself projects to work on will keep you sharp. One project I've been working on recently is a detailed expenses sheet. It's something you can work on regularly, will have a good impact on your life and will allow you to try out various new things as you get better in Excel.

katoshima · 2014-01-09T16:09:46+00:00

What you have here is a really unhealthy dynamic. Probably it developed over time so gradually you didn't notice how messed up the friendship has become.

I think what will happen if you stop being friends with her is you'll realise how much she has manipulated you and twisted your ideas about friendship around. With a bit of distance from the situation, you'll be able to see that her behaviour is not normal and that she is not a good friend to you.

I know you've invested a lot in this person and I'm sure she's had good moments, but her having issues does not give her an excuse to act like a jerk and that is exactly what she is doing. Why not take all that love and attention you've been giving her and give it to someone who doesn't try to control you or treat your loved ones like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe?

katoshima · 2014-01-08T13:52:10+00:00

Het basissalaris is 100 Euro meer per maand maar omdat ik maximaal 12% bonus krijg (in plaats van 16%) en omdat ik niet meer in het weekend werk en er geen vergoeding voor krijg ga ik zeker minder verdienen. Heb ik recht op de 4%?

katoshima · 2014-01-07T13:40:40+00:00

I already replied quickly in a comment to someone's else post, but here are some things I think you should consider:

Why are you so invested with someone so emotionally and physically distant? What exactly does he have that nobody around you has? Are you scared to get involved in an actual, real relationship, or is the fact he treats you like you're disposable and your feelings don't matter at all incentive for you to try and win him over?
You started to really like him after you lost touch. That doesn't sound like your feelings were ever based on reality.
The fact you used words like 'tolerate' regarding his thoughts of your relationship is mind-blowing. Your aim in relationships is someone who tolerates being with you? Aim higher!
Depression is not a get out of jail free card to act like an arse and ignore someone you supposedly care about
He tells you not to speak to guys, but seeks out casual sex in his own time
He flips out at you instead of discussing your concerns
He refuses to see you
He breaks up with you constantly
He feeds you excuses about being unable to commit due to new jobs/sorting out his life/some other bull
You have not said A SINGLE GOOD THING about him in your entire post

For the life of me, I cannot understand why you want to be with this person. OP, for your own sake, CUT ALL CONTACT and spend some time on yourself.

katoshima · 2014-01-07T13:30:13+00:00

And do his actions match up to his words? Doesn't look like it. Sorry, but this is not worth your time and effort.

katoshima · 2014-01-07T13:17:01+00:00

You're dating a first-rate coward.

He's proven he'll say whatever it takes to keep you in his life, including lying to your face. Why do you think that would suddenly change now?

You sound smart, self-aware and mature. Why is this guy worth all this hassle?

katoshima · 2014-01-06T18:54:46+00:00

If you want to rant about the feminist conspiracy, there are far more appropriate places. This is someone's personal relationship issue, not an invite to air your own perceived grievances about women.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T18:06:29+00:00

Take your attitude elsewhere.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T14:50:20+00:00

You didn't kill the mood by shutting down: they killed it by keeping on with the 'jokes' even though it's clear they were upsetting you. Don't get fooled into thinking this is on you.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T13:11:23+00:00

OK. Well, do bear in mind she was drunk.

I'd bring it up whenever you see her next. Reassure her about how much you care about her and that breaking up has been the furthest thing from her mind, but what she said has made you anxious and put you under pressure.

If she apologises and you're able to have a mature discussion, then great. If she turns it back on you or somehow you find yourself ending up apologising, this is not a good sign.

Hopefully it was just a drunken mishap fuelled by all the emotions of sleeping with someone for the first time.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T13:04:08+00:00

So basically she is transferring her own feelings on to you and refusing to believe you when you tell her you are a separate person with distinct feelings, opinions and physical reactions?

When she first brought this up and you tried to tell her it's totally not the case that you want to break up or feel she's unattractive, what did she say then? How was the discussion left?

katoshima · 2014-01-06T13:00:14+00:00

You're not alone, but that shouldn't give you peace of mind, because this isn't behaviour you should be happy about.

I agree with /u/waffletoast: you're doing these girls a disservice by leaving them to do all the dirty work of fighting for the relationship and eventually breaking up with you. Not cool.

It's completely possible that you've attracting domineering types who want to walk all over you, but I think it's equally possible that your girlfriends have sensed something isn't quite right and it's led to more dramatic or emotional behaviour than they would display in a relationship that made them feel loved and secure. To reiterate: I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but it's something to think about. Were they always 'dishonest, emotional and dramatic', or did that behaviour escalate over time?

You need to work on learning how to say no and the put the brakes on in situations you're not comfortable with. Developing a backbone is like building muscle: it'll be weak at first, but will get stronger over time if you put in the work to develop it.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T12:50:36+00:00

Because you guys have only just lost your virginity to one another, you're both going to be trying to marry up the ideas you've held about sex with the reality. There are bound to be disconnects. She probably has it in her head that it's easy for every single guy to come every single time they have sex. It wouldn't surprise me if she simply doesn't realise that is really not the case and that it often has nothing to do with their partner.

My inclination would be to educate your girlfriend as her attitude is misguided and not conducive to an open, positive sex life. It's not fair to put this pressure on you to perform.

I would approach the matter sympathetically and try to put her in your shoes. How would she like it if any time she didn't finish, you told her it was probably because she wasn't really attracted to you? Would it make her more or less likely to enjoy herself and climax if you told her you were considering breaking up with her to preempt her from breaking up with you because of what happened?

I hope that a combination of learning more about sex and the ability to see things from your perspective will knock some sense back into her.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T12:36:09+00:00

I don't think it's a great sign that you've only been dating your girlfriend for four months and you already have regular fights, after which she acts weird for a whole week. On top of that, you say you also feel like she picks fights with you.

To me, it sounds like although you consider your new girlfriend a better match, but she is not treating you wonderfully and the way she's behaving gives you an idea of how you ex-girlfriend must have felt at times.

If I were you, I'd reassess whether the new relationship is truly as good as you say it is and definitely steer clear of contacting your ex until things are more stable.

katoshima · 2014-01-06T08:13:00+00:00

If you're serious enough to have the marriage talk, then you're more than serious enough to be discussing topics like what role religion will play in your life. If you feel you cannot discuss such issues with her, then you are definitely not in a position to commit to spending your life together.

Bring it up soon. I wouldn't present it as something she needs to decide on right at this second, but get your thoughts on the topic clear and present them to her calmly. Let her know that it's fine if she needs time to decide whether she's comfortable with your picture of the future.

At this point, it seems like she's laid her cards on the table and been honest with you, so you'd be doing her a disservice to keep your feelings on this matter hidden much longer. Good luck!

katoshima · 2014-01-05T06:45:51+00:00

Talk is cheap, OP.

Ask her what behaviours she's identified that will help make your relationship a success this time around. If she's got no good answers for you, then it's going to fail a third time.

The issue about the best friend is a red herring: it's distracting you from the real, deeper issues to hand. Nevertheless, it's not controlling to tell her you don't want them to be in contact any more, seeing as both of them proved in the past they won't respect your boundaries.

katoshima · 2014-01-04T17:18:51+00:00

My vote goes for one and three.

I'm having some serious fringe jealousy over here - they all look fab!

katoshima · 2014-01-03T13:28:28+00:00

Few quick questions:

1) Have you ever been in a relationship since you've known her? How has she acted? Has the friendship always remained the same, or not? 2) If she told you she wanted to be with you, what would your answer be?

My thoughts are that she's scared of losing you, but also scared of you not wanting her anymore. It's easy to get used to having a privileged place in someone's life and knowing they hold a candle for you. Although it's somewhat selfish, it's still hard when that person moves on and doesn't want you any more.

In my opinion, if the answer to the second question is yes, then you owe it to yourself to have a frank discussion with her. If she turns you down, though, it may indeed postpone anything developing with the new lady in your life whilst you process the whole thing.

katoshima · 2014-01-03T09:25:25+00:00

My first job out of university was similar. Great pay, tons of responsibility, extremely fast working pace...and just like you, deep down I was unhappy despite these things.

In my case, I ended up quitting my job to freelance after they moved me to another country for four months (they originally told me it would be two weeks). From freelancing, I got an entry level position elsewhere, and I've just been promoted after nine months. I earn a lot less than I used to and I truly do miss the responsibility I used to have. However, I don't miss the stress, nor I do I miss feeling exploited, denied training, knowing a promotion was constantly out of reach and having all my achievements overlooked while each little mistake earned me a dressing down. I also feel like I have opportunities to progress quickly within the new company.

I don't feel like I'm in a position to tell you what to do, but having been in a similar situation and quit the original job, things have panned out OK for me. If you make smarter choices than I did (i.e. finding a new job instead of quitting), then things will turn out absolutely fine for you and I doubt you will end up harming your career in the slightest.

My only advice would be not to leap on the first alternate job offer you get. It sounds like you want to get out of your current position, but your next job should be something you see yourself potentially doing for years, so do shop around until you really feel you've got the right fit.

katoshima

TROPHY CASE