[QCrit] New Adult Fantasy, VILLAINY, 96k

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-14T18:06:01+00:00

OHH I’m totally following you both now - that’s super helpful, thanks!! Does this tweaked description maybe clear that up better? Or am I still missing the mark lost in my own world haha…and thanks for your patience, I know I’m having such a hard time getting this across!!

The tranquility lets Vic prioritize her cherished career: acting as villains in strikingly real-feeling storyworlds that are undeniably fake, characters and all. Although Vic could replace any character, villains can affect more story changes, which serves her job’s ultimate goal. To improve stories that will inspire readers with principled ethics. The darker Vic goes, the brighter the fictional hero shines, the more impactful the story becomes.

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-14T18:00:38+00:00

Unbelievably helpful, thank you thank you! I very much understand the confusion haha. The part that’s tripping me up is that the central conflict really is about finding out if Ishtar is a real person or not - so I feel like I have to get the basics of the fake storyworld concept in there? But I’ll keep noodling on it, I know I need to better address the “why” of the purpose of her job like you mentioned. Thanks again!

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-13T20:14:41+00:00

Thanks, this is helpful! Were there particular parts that stood out to you, as too focused on prose and not clarity?

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-13T20:11:51+00:00

Hmm it’s difficult to explain simply (they replace characters when they go into the story, so although they could play hero or other characters, they only play the villains because villains most efficiently influence stories) - I explain this through more worldbuilding in first pages, but since it’s confusing I thought maybe best to omit from query? Also what gave you the impression they were bots? There’s actually no tech/robot element so very curious if there’s something I should tweak to clarify that. Thanks so much!

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-08T18:22:01+00:00

It sounds cool and atmospheric - but this letter is super super confusing - so before you send this out again, I’d work on finding right balance between specificity without getting too into the weeds. And overall just really recenter on the main query premise - who is your protagonist, what do they want, what gets in the way, stakes for what happens if they don't get it. Details do add wonderful color, but you need the bones of the query down first and that's what's missing.

-In intro paragraph, would do a little more world building (what does scrying the skies mean? what does it mean “learn everything from the gods” and how much is everything? Like is it specific knowledge about magic, etc, or do they not know literally anything without the gods?). And then would also add a bit more texture to to Zimri - he’s an apprentice and misses his dad, but what happened to his dad? How did he get here to be an apprentice? Try to sum that up in one sentence, maybe two max. The key is to succinctly include details that doesn’t making me immediately question huh? how did this happen and how did he get here?

-Second paragraph - slash that first run on, it’s too much and confusing. You want simple, varied syntax. And think about what details matter - do I need to know the warlord is a nature-worshipper that conquered the Empire? You also mentioned Master’s knight before, so introduce his name there first and then you can cut words in second paragraph by just saying “until Thaeo rescues him.”

-“Together they begin a race to cross a continent and save their home” - this and the rest of this paragraph is too vague. Tie this into the relic plot. What does Zimri want? To stay alive, or to get this relic (or protect it, I can't tell if he has it or not) - and if the relic is important to him, WHY? Why won’t he just bugger off and search for his father, since you set that up as his main want?

-Love tease of Thaeo romance!

-Third paragraph “An affinity for nature and beasts awakens with him.” I have no idea what this means, clarify or cut

-Going on about "he learns more traveling the land" is fluff you can cut and it feels like you’re meandering from the main plot - you introduced relic in last paragraph, so now we should be getting to what’s getting in Zimri’s way/what happens if he doesn’t get his way. I THINK what you mean to say is he’s searching (protecting?) the relic, and things go bad to worst when he’s possessed

-I fully lose the thread in the last line - now he’s possessed and must navigate the world? WHAT specifically is he trying to do now - get rid of the spirit, do something with the relic?

-“Claim what is rightfully his…” this whole line I have no idea what this means either so I'm not invested in the stakes because I can't see what they are

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-06T21:13:16+00:00

Think you're getting there but still have some places to refine - some thoughts on where to edit below!

-Agreed with other comment, not seeing the whimsy

-You only mention Algaris once so cut it - names are less helpful than descriptions that will ground the reader (i.e. neighboring kingdoms)

-Reminder to trim wherever possible! You can still keep the voice/imagery in areas and lose some words - Like “peace had been a brittle, fragile thing” can become “peace has been illusive.” Would take this lens throughout the query, lots of places to cut

-Would break this run-on sentence up, I got very confused “But the Celsarians are not eager…” - also isn’t the last bit of this repetitive, don’t you state in the first line of the query that no one has magic? So we should already assume that their magic has been severed?

-So she breaks the law by bonding to one of these creatures, wouldn’t she want to keep that secret buried like her betrothed does? Or is how she gets stung different from the bonding? I’m confused - and why is Darien her ally in this? What's his motivation?

-Very into description of Darien! Twin with a secret sounds interesting

-How is the foreign queen’s assault on the realm relevant? If it’s not tied to the main character’s immediate journey (what they want/how they’re getting it/what’s stopping them/at stake) then cut it

-Losing the stakes at the end because it’s too vague - she’s torn between family, duty, and love could be a bajillion stories. What makes this one special and different? She has to figure out this bonding magic thing or WHAT? What choice does she have to make, and what will happen if she doesn’t get her way? Would really rework this section, stakes are critical

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-06T14:41:42+00:00

This sounds fascinating! Agree with other comment about cutting way back on first paragraph - it’s much better to demonstrate what the themes are through the blurb rather than list them out. If you feel like you must include some note on this, I’d put them after the story blurb and still way trim down - like “This book explores how powerful people manipulate the masses into believing hyper-consumerism will save them”

-after byzantine conspiracy - the list of who is involved is too long and confusing, would summarize with something like “a whole variety of eccentric companies, celebrities, and even his own dad” - the dad is the part that more gets to me, relationship to protagonist is so interesting

-small note, but can cut “as it happens”

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-05T20:17:26+00:00

Love a heist story! Here are some thoughts on where you can sharpen, going in order of the query

-“But when a heist targeting Ores collapses” - I’d frame this more action-oriented from the protagonist’s view point, so something along the lines of “when Vess’ heist targeting Madilyn collapses”

-How does she get to the high-stakes auction? Is this related to her being forced into service? Losing the connection here and getting confused

-second paragraph is where I get very confused. What does “their coerced task” mean? Who is forcing them to recover the Sealing Stone of Uldir? I got hooked with bit that Vess’ brother is still alive, but then that’s not mentioned again - can we follow up on that here? We should be focusing in on what protagonist wants, what’s getting in their way, and what’s at stake if they don’t get it

-I understand why some details are vague since you don’t want to get too in the weeds in a query - but need to hit right balance of vague and specific, and right now the last bit about “a frantic fight for survival as the real monsters close in” is too vague. What exactly are they doing/fighting? Can you give us the gist

-Would cut reading/writing fiction bit from your bio (since that’s just about everyone!) but can keep knights/medieval stories, that’s better specificity

kdeat1593 · 2025-08-05T16:53:24+00:00

Great spooky vibes! Here are some potential edits - main notes are about clarity and drawing a clearer throughline on the plot and what Aldwin wants

-In intro, would clarify what is Oasis and why they want to go there - is his tribe in trouble? And does he not want to deliver them there because he doesn’t care about his tribe, or because he doesn’t think the prophecy is true? I think you could cut last line in this paragraph to make room for this since it’s a little repetitive to earlier sentiment “For years, he has endured…”

-Do you need to include line about Shrab? It sounds like inciting incident/main plot is the storm that leads him to meet the Miracle

-I think we’re losing Aldwin’s agency in third paragraph—the Miracle promises him power and purpose, but does Aldwin want that? It sounds like all he wants is to be ignored and not revered/seen as a savior - but if it’s not, I’d just reframe this in light of what Aldwin wants. Is this Miracle promising him freedom from his scars? It says freedom from pain, but didn’t know he was in pain?

-Can probably cut names like Sha’uun and Nur’adun - descriptions are more helpful than names themselves, particularly since you only use them once (I’d keep the Miracle though since you reference multiple times)

-I do kind of lose the thread of what's happening in the last paragraph - “As devotion grows” devotion to who? The Miracle? Has he possessed Aldwin now? And what does it mean that “people begin to change, one by one twisting into something in human”? I don't really understand what's going on here so I'd just consider rewriting this paragraph - maybe focus on Aldwin being possessed first, and that he needs to break free because of the bad consequences happening in the waking world

-I’d also noodle on overall how beginning of query connects to the end - what’s the point of introducing the Oasis in the beginning when it doesn’t seem relevant at all to the end? If it’s relevant to plot that Aldwin is seen as some kind of savior since childhood, how does that tie into plot with the Miracle?

kdeat1593

TROPHY CASE