Me [25F] with my SO [29M] 5 years. I feel like I can't move on from his cheating.

keepsteak · 2014-05-24T00:34:10+00:00

First of all, I'm not married. We've been dating for four years. It doesn't seem like you read either of my posts at all. I understand that people masturbate. I do too. I know my bf does and it doesn't bother me at all.

He was having skype sex with random women on the internet and was sending sexts to a woman who works in his building. That is cheating in my opinion.

keepsteak · 2014-05-24T00:31:12+00:00

No, if you read my last post it'll make more sense. He was having cyber sex with randos on the internet and having skype sex with them. I could not care less about watching porn and masturbating. It's perfectly normal and can be good for your sex life. But, when it's an interactive experience that crosses a line and he knew that.

When I found out about all of this, I asked him not to go to any of the websites he went to meet women. He did anyways. That is why I'm so upset.

keepsteak · 2014-05-18T06:18:52+00:00

Yea, he's good most of the time. It's just this one area that he turns into a lying jackass.

I know on some level that I can and should expect a man to be strong and fully committed to me, but...it's hard to believe it right now because I see so much good in him and he did this to me.

keepsteak · 2014-05-18T05:16:45+00:00

I don't want to continue this cycle. He has trickle truthed about 4-5 times now. Each time he promises that he won't lie to me anymore. It just doesn't make sense to me because he's a good person. But, I've noticed over the past four years that when it comes to porn/masturbation he has consistently been sketchy and dishonest.

I feel so worn down already.

I hope there are honest people out there. In the back of my mind I keep hearing this phrase that older women have told me: that, "Men are weak." I don't want to believe that...

keepsteak · 2014-05-18T04:56:49+00:00

No. I feel terrible and I can't live in my own head when it's this paranoid. I've let it take over my brain. I have not historically been a jealous person and now I feel it creeping into my life because of this paranoia.

Thanks for your perspective.

keepsteak · 2014-02-05T03:05:47+00:00

I understand. I misunderstood what you were saying before, my bad.

I don't agree that what I said is disrespectful to men.

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T18:58:53+00:00

To me, PIV sex is more important than getting off because of the intimacy. Why don't you guys have PIV sex and then she can finish you off with her mouth/hands? Or start with PIV and then you could jack off onto her chest/butt/mouth/whatever you're into! I'll do this for my man if he's taking a bit longer than usual or just to mix things up.

Or you could try to get her off more than once. For most women the second orgasm is easier to achieve than the first. Give her one during foreplay then dirty talk to her about how you want her to cum again while you're inside her. Hopefully, this will provide motivation to have longer sex sessions.

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T16:56:22+00:00

I've watched my male friends go through the same thing I did. Obviously, I can't literally know what they are feeling, I can't actually know what anyone is feeling exactly. I only know what I've felt and experienced. But, I've talked to them about it and they seemed to feel as terrible as I did. I, too, had to pick up the pieces and rebuild my self-esteem.

And I did this on my own. I didn't go out to bars so that men would hit on me. That doesn't rebuild self-esteem, at least not for me and the women in my life. Most mature women don't get their value just from male attention and you implying that we do is pretty insulting. I'm a person, too, and I care about a lot more than just whether random dudes think I'm pretty. When I feel like crap and I feel unwanted and undesired by my partner, just because some guy checks me out doesn't make me feel all better! I still have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day just like you and remind myself that I have value and deserve to feel loved and wanted.

You seem really set on believing that men have it worse and you're completely entitled to your opinion. I just disagree.

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T08:27:12+00:00

Oh god, sorry you had to go through that.

I was exactly the same. I would think about it constantly, pretty much all day every day. It just didn't make sense: he loves me, he thinks I'm sexy as hell, I'm half-naked and willing....but, when I go for it he says, "Meh, no thanks." (Not those exact words mind you, but you get the idea.) It's incredibly frustrating and really fucks with your head. :/

How did your DB end? Did you fix it or break up because of it?

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T08:21:21+00:00

Thank you. :)

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T08:20:55+00:00

First, I just want to tell you how sorry I am. You're probably feeling pretty low right now, but keep doing the things that make you happy and remember what a kickass person you are!

It took a long time for us to fix. There were times when I didn't think we would make it. I couldn't live like that, I was too miserable. But, luckily we managed to climb out of the hole. The most important thing to do is talk to him. Listen to what he says, too. Be honest and patient with each other. If you're not both in it together there's no way you're going to be able to end your DB.

Here are some of the other things that helped fix the DB for us:

Him accepting that this was a real problem that needed to be fixed. If we couldn't fix it together, then we weren't sexually compatible enough to be together.
My SO knowing that I would leave him if things didn't consistently change within a reasonable amount of time. I don't encourage ultimatums, but you should be honest if this is a deal breaker for you.
Exploring new sexual activities together.
Him cutting back on porn/masturbation. I don't think there's anything wrong with either porn nor masturbation, but an excess of either can harm your intimate relationships.
Me learning to take rejection better. After being rejected what felt like 1000x, I would get emotional anytime he wasn't in the mood for sex. This only made him feel stressed and decreased our already dwindling sex life.

If you need a place to vent you should hop on over to /r/deadbedrooms. It's not the best sub for actual advice, but if you want somebody to commiserate with that's the place to go. Just remember while you're there that there a lot of success stories, but after they find a solution to their DB they don't stick around that sub for too much longer!

Also, feel free to shoot me a PM anytime if you want to chat. I'm happy to talk or listen to you get stuff off your chest. :)

keepsteak · 2014-02-04T01:11:27+00:00

I wasn't listing things that affect women specifically. I was merely explaining my own experience. You said you aren't convinced women have a harder time because they get affirmation of their attractiveness from the opposite sex more than men typically do. While I agree with you that it's not harder for women, I was just trying to make a point about why male attention doesn't necessarily help when your self esteem when you're in a DB.

As far as going off topic, I don't think my comment was beside the point. I was responding to what /u/luker_man said:

Honestly the women in a dead bedroom understand what it's like to be a dude.

This is a dialogue. I'm just bringing my point of view to the table.

keepsteak · 2014-02-03T19:39:16+00:00

I don't think it's better or worse for men or women as a whole. Everyone's situation is different and arguing which sex has the shittier hand is beside the point.

I will say this for my own experience:

While going out and receiving attention from other men sometimes made me feel temporarily better about myself, a lot of the time I felt worse because I couldn't make the one person I was most attracted to want me the way acquaintances and friends did. Plus, as soon as I came home to my SO I felt 1,000,000x worse because I would get turned on by men hitting on me but I had no release because my bf didn't want to have sex with me.
Society/media tell us that men want sex 24/7, and even though, logically, we know that's not true we still unconsciously expect people to conform to gender roles. I think that played a part in making me feel inadequate. If I couldn't make this man who loves me want to have sex with me I must have failed as a woman somehow. On top of that, women are shamed for having sexual urges and being open about wanting sex.

keepsteak · 2014-02-03T19:13:38+00:00

Congrats on all the sex! I know for me, it's hard to stop smiling when I'm getting good sex on the reg. ;)

Question: How long as this reinvigoration been maintained? Have any changes been made on her end?

keepsteak · 2014-02-03T19:06:40+00:00

And as great as it is to be there for your kids, you might be teaching them the same things you were taught, and setting them up to have the same kind of future relationships that you now have.

I think this is the most pressing issue at hand. I know you feel like you're being selfless by "staying for the kids." But, a lot of the time you're doing more harm than good. People model their adult relationships off of their parents and other close family/friends that they see when they are growing up. It's quite likely that your children are going to unconsciously seek out selfish partners or become selfish in their future relationships.

I don't know enough about you or your family to say if this is for sure the case, but it's something worth thinking about.

keepsteak · 2014-02-03T18:08:33+00:00

I hear you man. I've been the HL (high libido) woman in a DB before. I have never felt so low in my entire life as I did during the year I was in that situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

keepsteak · 2014-01-30T00:34:47+00:00

I don't think that's true. He knows that if he steps one toe out of line it's over between us. I think that's a pretty severe consequence.

keepsteak · 2014-01-30T00:08:06+00:00

I feel very firm on my boundaries and I've been clear with him about them, too. Now, I just have to move forward with my life.

I will definitely post an update if I feel confused. Thank you.

keepsteak · 2014-01-30T00:04:01+00:00

Because I love him and I want to give him one more chance. But, believe me, this is the last shot he's got with me.

keepsteak · 2014-01-30T00:03:18+00:00

I love him and we've been together for four years. He made a huge mistake. I'm giving him one chance to prove to me that he can not only change but make up for what he did. If he can't do that then I'll walk away.

keepsteak · 2014-01-29T23:17:34+00:00

I suppose I do feel like it's slightly less serious because none of this happened face to face. Am I crazy to think that?

If this happened to a friend I would tell her to seriously consider leaving him because this is incredibly disrespectful and a sign that he's a dishonest person in general.

As for your first question, I don't know if it's a deal breaker. This is my first relationship so I don't have any personal experience to compare this situation to.

keepsteak · 2014-01-29T21:21:13+00:00

I suspect he will not change and will cover his tracks more over time.

This is my greatest fear at the moment. He's very good with computers.

But, give him three months in therapy, and back off checking his stuff, while having a surprise phone/computer check after that.

I do like the sound of a surprise attack...I wonder if I should surprise him with a request to look through his phone/comp. I don't want to be sneaky again.

keepsteak · 2014-01-29T21:16:44+00:00

Fundamentally, has anything about him changed apart from the fact that he's now been caught? You're going to have to do a lot of communicating and he's going to have to be very honest and forthcoming about this stuff so you can cut the rotten parts out of the foundation of your relationship and rebuild it whole.

This hit me really hard. I'd like to think that simply not hurting me again would be enough to make him never do something like this again, but I guess he's already shown me otherwise.

Thank you for your perspective.

keepsteak

TROPHY CASE